Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله

Not getting along with my sister's boyfriend.

Rate this topic


Recommended Posts

  • Advanced Member

I'm a revert my little sisters non-religious and dates in the western way. I respect her right as a grown woman to live differently than me by dating, but her boyfriend is a little off putting. He completely ignores me when I speak directly to him. I came in the living room once and found her sitting in his lap (we both live with our parents), he actually told me he had an erection I just walked away. I'm not sure what his problem is I haven't tried to stand in the way of there relationship and am polite and respectful. I think getting angry will back fire and damage my relationship with my sister weather I'm right to be angry or not. so I'm taking a lot of crap from both of them. How do I gently get it across to her that I deserve more respect than that. My parents aren't doing anything about it. I feel like he treated my baby sister like a loose woman in front of me and disrespected her and our whole family and that she also disrespected herself and our family by getting sexual with a man right in front of us. I would like just to talk to my sister and resolve the problem politely but I don't think it's going to happen.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Veteran Member

Salam,

You probably have three options:

1 - Reason with your sister

2 - Threaten her boyfriend

3 - Keep out of their way and try to ignore them

Honestly, the third option is probably your best bet even though it unfortunately doesn't resolve the problem.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Advanced Member
14 minutes ago, Ali_Hussain said:

Salam,

You probably have three options:

1 - Reason with your sister

2 - Threaten her boyfriend

3 - Keep out of their way and try to ignore them

Honestly, the third option is probably your best bet even though it unfortunately doesn't resolve the problem.

Salam, number 3 is what I'll probably do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Advanced Member

Salam, 

Congrats!. 

Firstly, you should sit down with your family and talk to them about your new islamic identity, and the various guidelines that come with this way of life. Your family may not be familiar with Islam, and just require some education. Develop some basic guidelines , and make your concerns made fully aware. Your family may take some time to adjust as their normal day to day life will require some adjusting for your needs. Remember, at the end of the day your family is accommodating you for your beliefs, and you really can't force anything upon them since they themselves aren't practicing muslims. 

If your relationship with your sister is positive, just be honest with her. Explain to her your religious beliefs around dating, and that you would like them to take it out of the house, or at least when you are not home. If she respects these guidelines great!, if she doesn't then you will have to somehow work around this. 

Anyways, the boyfriend probably has some issues. He might feel threatened by you, or just purely annoying you since he's dating your sister and knows it'll get under your skin due to you being muslim. Don't give him the attention. Talk to your sister and ask her why he treats you with such disrespect. Or, you can confront him, and ask him why he's treating you so poorly. Don't get into a fist fight, but just ask. And if he doesn't stop, then just treat him nicely, and with respect. Your kindness isn't a sign of weakness. 

Also, you really can't force your sister to stop dating. As you stated she isn't religious, and this is part of her normal life. You can talk to her about it, but I doubt she'll change her ways. Just leave it to Allah , and pray for her guidance. 

Anyways good luck! Many bumps ahead , but you'll get a good piece of the reward later on in this dunya, and heaven. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Advanced Member
5 hours ago, YoungSkiekh313 said:

Salam, 

Congrats!. 

Firstly, you should sit down with your family and talk to them about your new islamic identity, and the various guidelines that come with this way of life. Your family may not be familiar with Islam, and just require some education. Develop some basic guidelines , and make your concerns made fully aware. Your family may take some time to adjust as their normal day to day life will require some adjusting for your needs. Remember, at the end of the day your family is accommodating you for your beliefs, and you really can't force anything upon them since they themselves aren't practicing muslims. 

If your relationship with your sister is positive, just be honest with her. Explain to her your religious beliefs around dating, and that you would like them to take it out of the house, or at least when you are not home. If she respects these guidelines great!, if she doesn't then you will have to somehow work around this. 

Anyways, the boyfriend probably has some issues. He might feel threatened by you, or just purely annoying you since he's dating your sister and knows it'll get under your skin due to you being muslim. Don't give him the attention. Talk to your sister and ask her why he treats you with such disrespect. Or, you can confront him, and ask him why he's treating you so poorly. Don't get into a fist fight, but just ask. And if he doesn't stop, then just treat him nicely, and with respect. Your kindness isn't a sign of weakness. 

Also, you really can't force your sister to stop dating. As you stated she isn't religious, and this is part of her normal life. You can talk to her about it, but I doubt she'll change her ways. Just leave it to Allah , and pray for her guidance. 

 

Anyways good luck! Many bumps ahead , but you'll get a good piece of the reward later on in this dunya, and heaven. 

 

 

salam

I actually have gone into some of my beliefs about dating with them when I was asked. I understand there not muslim and do things differently than me. I have ask to go out with them not as a chaperone but just to get to know him and have taken no for an answer. I just didn't like the fact that my sister being sexual was shoved in my face, especially in such a rude way. what happened was intentionally rude at least on his part buy christian and non-religious standards. It's not normal to get that sexual in front of family.

Edited by musa shakr
forgot to say salam
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Advanced Member (With Brothers Forum Membership)

My dear brother in Islam, you are a role model in what it means to be a true Muslim. I admire your patience in such a trying circumstance and will keep you in my sincerest of prayers, the strength you carry is remarkable and the resilience you are showing is outstanding. As much as I want to say bash his skull with your fists and break every bone in his body, I think that it is best to avoid both of them to the best of your ability and leave him treading on his path of indecency, heathens like that don't last long.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Molana Laddan

Salute to your patience.

Even by any western, cultural, and society standards, he ought not to be sexual with your sister in front of you, or any of your family. Talk to your parents, they being non-Muslim doesn’t mean your parents allow your home to be like a brothel. Put some basic human decency in their heads.

How old is she? how old is he? 

Depending on what age they are, sometimes you just leave it to them, let them burn in their own hell. They know what’s right and what’s wrong. You just keep doing your dawa with your actions and words where needed. That being said, Islam teaches dignity and honor. Don’t let anybody trample on your honor and self respect.

Islam is not about peace. 

Islam is about justice. Real peace is a derivative of that justice. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Forum Administrators
1 hour ago, musa shakr said:

salam

I actually have gone into some of my beliefs about dating with them when I was asked. I understand there not muslim and do things differently than me. I have ask to go out with them not as a chaperone but just to get to know him and have taken no for an answer. I just didn't like the fact that my sister being sexual was shoved in my face, especially in such a rude way. what happened was intentionally rude at least on his part buy christian and non-religious standards. It's not normal to get that sexual in front of family.

Salam. Since they know Muslims don't agree with dating and he refuses to let you go out with them, just leave it alone. If she eventually marries him, he will be your brother-in-law and you don't want to have negative issues with your little sister or with him. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Advanced Member
12 hours ago, musa shakr said:

her boyfriend is a little off putting. He completely ignores me when I speak directly to him. I came in the living room once and found her sitting in his lap (we both live with our parents), he actually told me he had an erection I just walked away.

What a despicable creature. Forget adhering to any religion, this man has clearly lost his natural sense of respect, manners, and good ettiquete. My blood boils just reading your post.

Brother, as a man, you're naturally gonna have this sense of gheera (however, no offense, many non-muslim men seem to suppress or become desensitized to this innate feeling though unfortunately) and so it's your right to feel this sense of anger and disturbance within. 

My prayers are with you, may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) better your situation inshaAllah. 

As for actual advice, right now I can't really advise you much as this is a kind of a delicate situation and so it's important to act with strategy and wisdom, so consider the above advices from the other members.

However, one thing I will say is, when you're with your family, try and win them with great akhaq...They'll be more likely to listen to you then...

Edited by AStruggler
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Moderators
On 9/10/2020 at 2:09 AM, musa shakr said:

I'm a revert my little sisters non-religious and dates in the western way. I respect her right as a grown woman to live differently than me by dating, but her boyfriend is a little off putting. He completely ignores me when I speak directly to him. I came in the living room once and found her sitting in his lap (we both live with our parents), he actually told me he had an erection I just walked away. I'm not sure what his problem is I haven't tried to stand in the way of there relationship and am polite and respectful. I think getting angry will back fire and damage my relationship with my sister weather I'm right to be angry or not. so I'm taking a lot of crap from both of them. How do I gently get it across to her that I deserve more respect than that. My parents aren't doing anything about it. I feel like he treated my baby sister like a loose woman in front of me and disrespected her and our whole family and that she also disrespected herself and our family by getting sexual with a man right in front of us. I would like just to talk to my sister and resolve the problem politely but I don't think it's going to happen.

Salam. This is a difficult situation. I have a younger sister myself. I can tell you what you should do in that situation, based on teaching of Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام)), and I can tell you what I would probably do in that situation, and they would be different things, unless Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) gave me the patience.

The teachings of the Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام)) on this is that you should not ignore the situation, but you should do Amr Bil Maroof wa Nahiya Al Munkhar as much as you have the ability. The least of this is that you should speak up, at least to your sister and say that what she is doing is not in keeping with our family values and traditions, and you were not raised like this. Even non muslims have a sense of shame when they are doing something that they know is not decent or right. You should appeal to that sense of shame as much as you can, by speaking up. 

I don't think you should say anything to the 'boyfriend'. It is obvious that his objective is to turn this into a 'pissing contest' where he is trying to establish dominance over you by doing something that he knows you obviously wouldn't like to see how you would react. He is, as they say in the US 'calling you out'. That part of it, I would suggest you ignore, though I know it is really difficult to ignore. He is exploiting the fact that your sister is trying to establish herself as an independent women from her family for his personal benefit. He may not regret this, but she will regret someday doing it in this way. This guy sounds like a piece of garbage, to acknowledge his existence would be excessive in kindness,  and once the 'fairy dust' wears off, your sister will probably see him for what he truly is, hopefully she would still have a relationship with her family at that point. When you see him, picture his as a dirty, empty plastic bag in the gutter. You see it, you know it's there, but you walk by it as if it doesn't exist, because it's too much effort to even think about it for a second, i.e. the plastic bag doesn't deserve even one second of your thoughts. 

وَمَن تَابَ وَعَمِلَ صَالِحًا فَإِنَّهُ يَتُوبُ إِلَى اللَّهِ مَتَابًا

وَالَّذِينَ لَا يَشْهَدُونَ الزُّورَ وَإِذَا مَرُّوا بِاللَّغْوِ مَرُّوا كِرَامًا

and seeing that he who repents and [thereafter] does what is right has truly turned unto God by [this very act of] repentance . And [know that true servants of God are only] those who never bear witness to what is false,  and [who], whenever they pass by [people engaged in] frivolity, pass on with dignity.

Holy Quran 25:71-72

 

To summarize, ignore him and try to advise your sister as much as she will listen to you. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) give you sabr, and may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) never put me in this situation. 

Edited by Abu Hadi
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
  • Advanced Member
On 9/17/2020 at 6:43 AM, Abu Hadi said:

To summarize, ignore him and try to advise your sister as much as she will listen to you. May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) give you sabr, and may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) never put me in this situation. 

This is how I actually handled it. thank you

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...