Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله

Women approaching men for marriage. Thoughts?

Rate this topic


Recommended Posts

Guest Syed Mumtaz Ali
1 hour ago, Annonymousss said:

Salam alaykom respected brothers and sisters. I pray that you’re all doing very well.

 

I have a question about the matter of Shia sisters approaching Shia brothers (online) for the purpose of marriage. When I say approach, I mean, interested in getting to know them on a personal level and if there is potential then going for permanent marriage. Personally, although I’ve come across some respected brothers in the past (online) whose *character* interested me, I didn’t make it noticeable that I’m interested because I didn’t think it’s a good idea to approach myself for the fact that as a woman, i would expect a man himself to approach me if he is interested as I don’t want to come across as desperate and the whole idea of what if I’m rejected etc. I think you understand what I mean. I’m sure many sisters can relate to this as well. I’ve also discussed this with a few of my friends and they had the same issue of they’ve been interested in some brothers but “wait” for the guy to approach. 

However, lately I’ve been thinking of the concept of free-will related to this. As in, the Imams (عليه السلام) from memory say that once an opportunity comes and you don’t take it, it becomes someone else’s opportunity. So what if God has been answering my prayers of coming across a pious man that could be befitting for me and I have chosen to reject it because of the whole “I expect him to approach”. Wouldn’t this then be my fault that for example my marriage is delayed etc?

 

I’m interested in seeing both the brothers and sisters perspectives. What do the respected brothers think about this matter?

Have any of the respected sisters been in a position like this? If so, how did it go and how did you approach it?

 

May Allah reward you for taking the time to respond. 

I think there is no harm to a woman to invite for a permanent or short term marriage (ur intention is concern)as in nikah the woman wakeel starts eijab and man's wakeel reply qabool rest u can ask any Alim.Rgds syed Mumtaz Ali

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Demon King

و عليكن اسلام Respected Sister !!

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) reward you for raising this question and May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) reward us in our grief for Imam Hussain (عليه السلام).

We can find the answer to the question in Holy Prophet's (SAWA) life wherein Sayyeda Khadija (SA) (May all the creation be a heap of dust under her feet) was the one who proposed Holy Prophet (SAWA) for marriage and I'm sure you you're aware of Her (SA) significance in the message of Holy Prophet (SAWA) and His (SAWA) love for her.

2 hours ago, Annonymousss said:

So what if God has been answering my prayers of coming across a pious man that could be befitting for me and I have chosen to reject it because of the whole “I expect him to approach”.

Well if this thought is influenced culturally, then this is a societal ego of "Man should propose" / "Woman should wait for Proposal" which has indeed been infused for many years. Ironic it is that in the Seeghas of Nikah (Zawwajtu Nikah - Permanent Marriage) the women proposes and the man accepts.
https://en.wikishia.net/view/Marriage_formula
 

Rest assured I haven't read any Hadith in our Shie'e literature that prohibits or even looks down about women proposing men for marriage. And as our belief in Amr Bayn Al-Amrayn, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will certainly guide you to grasp/take decision about that opportunity which would be beneficial for you. 

And regarding the possibility of rejection, well its a life lesson ought to be learned, Thus, don't be disheartened and keep blind trust over the mercy of Allah (leap of faith) and nobility of Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام)

Ma' As Salaam

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Basic Members
2 hours ago, Guest Demon King said:

Well if this thought is influenced culturally, then this is a societal ego of "Man should propose" / "Woman should wait for Proposal" which has indeed been infused for many years. Ironic it is that in the Seeghas of Nikah (Zawwajtu Nikah - Permanent Marriage) the women proposes and the man accepts.
https://en.wikishia.net/view/Marriage_formula
 

Rest assured I haven't read any Hadith in our Shie'e literature that prohibits or even looks down about women proposing men for marriage. And as our belief in Amr Bayn Al-Amrayn, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will certainly guide you to grasp/take decision about that opportunity which would be beneficial for you. 

And regarding the possibility of rejection, well its a life lesson ought to be learned, Thus, don't be disheartened and keep blind trust over the mercy of Allah (leap of faith) and nobility of Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام)

Ma' As Salaam

May Allah bless you immensely brother. My concern isn't what religion says about the matter since i already know its permissible. My concern is how do the brothers view a girl approaching them for the sake of interest? As in, do they find it strange? Does the girl seem cheap or desperate etc?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Basic Members
1 hour ago, Abu Hadi said:

There is nothing wrong with it. A simple proof is that Sayyid Khadijah((عليه السلام)) approached Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) thru her cousin who brought the proposal. The main reason women don't do it is not because there is anything wrong with it, Islamically, if done in the right way and with the proper intention. They don't do it because they are afraid of rejection. Most brothers I know, including myself, have been rejected more than once for marriage in our journey to ultimately find a wife. It is difficult to deal with, emotionally, and especially if you are rejected with bad aklaq / publically, and there is always a risk of that since there are many sisters (unfortunately) who are immature and have bad aklaq and are severely lacking in empathy. This is most common amoung the younger sisters, and especially those who come from upper middle class / wealthy families. I think if sisters had to go thru this, at least once, maybe it would build some empathy in them for what their brothers have to face. 

That's why I always advise brothers, and this would apply to sisters as well, 'Send the proposal, make your intention clear, and ask directly before you get involved emotionally'. If you get turned down, cross this person off this list (for marriage), and move on to the next. Most brothers and sisters unfortunately do it the opposite way. They talk, chat, flirt, for months or sometimes years, get heavily emotionally invested, then after all that, they directly get to the question and then (some of the time) find out that the other person didn't have that intention at all and they were just playing around. That is so devastating that many never recover, emotionally and psychologically. 

That's very unfortunate brother. Inshallah you find the right person, if you have not already. I completely understand the whole story of Lady Khadijah (عليه السلام) approaching the Holy Prophet (saws) and its a beautiful one. However, lets be honest most of the brothers today are not the same as the Holy Prophet and the way he took the proposal from a woman (and of course, the women today are not the same as lady khadija). I guess, if we want to be a bit bias, brothers being rejected for a proposal is not something new. I understand it can be very difficult to take in but would you not agree that a sister approaching and getting rejected weighs on her differently? 

That's a great advice that you have given your fellow brothers. Unfortunately and this isn't to throw any shade on the respected brothers but I really do find that many Shia brothers become almost like cowards (and i say this with all due respect to you and any shia males reading this) when it comes to it being serious. Not only from personal experience but many sisters i've spoken to also hold the same view. I would say its not as common to find very straight-forward, confident Shia brothers who get to the point about their intentions and that's also part of my concern. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Demon King
2 hours ago, Annonymousss said:

My concern is how do the brothers view a girl approaching them for the sake of interest? As in, do they find it strange? Does the girl seem cheap or desperate etc?

Respected Sister,

I cannot say about the society as a whole as it has been inflicted with various social sins (diseases), although there are believing brothers & sisters out there who break the cultural norms & only adopt those cultural aspects / acts which doesn't hamper the boundaries of religion and prevent from following its teachings.

As I can only speak for my insignificant self, I don't have a frown to display when I get a proposal from a believing sister (Although it doesn't mean I discount the principle taught by Holy Prophet (SAWA) of finding a potential spouse being religious & possessing religious knowledge and accept that proposal) nor I would consider a person desperate.

I'm sorry sister (with all due respect) but this mindset has brought various bigger evils in a shie'e society whose hadd is very terrible (if it was imposed in this world) but not as terrible as the punishment in Hereafter and Wallahi us being the lovers of Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام) don't posess license to do any kind of sins & be absolved of it although we seek forgiveness of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)

If you have came across this experience, its very saddening that we shias claim to be open-hearted and yet we replicate the opposite. This is just the tip of the iceberg and there are lots of various problems.

I just wish that you find the right spouse whose gonna help you build your Hereafter and may you two by the union endeavor in cultivating this earth for His Last Hujjat's (عجّل الله تعالى فرجه الشريف) reappearance and may you make the Beloved Imam (عجّل الله تعالى فرجه الشريف) proud.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

Salam sis,

I don't see anything wrong with it. People thinking that a girl is desperate etc if they approach a guy is just immature and not islamic. Any guy that shares that view has a boy's mentality and isn't a proper man. Everyone has given the obvious example of the beloved Prophet's (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) wife Khadijah (عليه السلام) so I don't think I need to repeat it.

I would say though be weary of doing such online. It's harder to keep things halal if there isn't a mahram or a third party present. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

My opinion is I don't think there is anything wrong with it. However perhaps get their view on this matter and see what they think and why would think such way. Then analyse their responses.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Advanced Member

Depending on the countries, the male may not approach the woman he may have interest because of fear, surrounding or they seen, false accusation gets created in some countries so therefore is little opportunity for men/women to find or meet someone they might be interested. 

So its can be hard for men as well.  Even in community gathering its hard :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 8/22/2020 at 4:09 AM, Annonymousss said:

Salam alaykom respected brothers and sisters. I pray that you’re all doing very well.

 

I have a question about the matter of Shia sisters approaching Shia brothers (online) for the purpose of marriage. When I say approach, I mean, interested in getting to know them on a personal level and if there is potential then going for permanent marriage. Personally, although I’ve come across some respected brothers in the past (online) whose *character* interested me, I didn’t make it noticeable that I’m interested because I didn’t think it’s a good idea to approach myself for the fact that as a woman, i would expect a man himself to approach me if he is interested as I don’t want to come across as desperate and the whole idea of what if I’m rejected etc. I think you understand what I mean. I’m sure many sisters can relate to this as well. I’ve also discussed this with a few of my friends and they had the same issue of they’ve been interested in some brothers but “wait” for the guy to approach. 

However, lately I’ve been thinking of the concept of free-will related to this. As in, the Imams (عليه السلام) from memory say that once an opportunity comes and you don’t take it, it becomes someone else’s opportunity. So what if God has been answering my prayers of coming across a pious man that could be befitting for me and I have chosen to reject it because of the whole “I expect him to approach”. Wouldn’t this then be my fault that for example my marriage is delayed etc?

 

I’m interested in seeing both the brothers and sisters perspectives. What do the respected brothers think about this matter?

Have any of the respected sisters been in a position like this? If so, how did it go and how did you approach it?

 

May Allah reward you for taking the time to respond. 

Its a stigma, made in the minds of women. I wouldn't blame them for it ti be honest because us men have ours too. But there is no issue with you wanting to do halal and potentially initiating it. Inshallah you find a good pious man.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Basic Members
16 hours ago, Guest Phylo said:

Its a stigma, made in the minds of women. I wouldn't blame them for it ti be honest because us men have ours too. But there is no issue with you wanting to do halal and potentially initiating it. Inshallah you find a good pious man.

Interesting, thank you for your in-put and duaa. May Allah bless you with likewise, a good pious spouse if you do not already have one.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest Molana Laddan

Of course there is absolutely no harm in women asking the men. 

I’ve one suggestion though. 

Before you ask him anything, please prepare the proverbial stage.
 

In other words tell him that you would want to talk to him about a matter of importance. And once you would tell him, you want him to think about it. Also tell him that the matter you want to discuss must remain between you and him, and that he would promise you to never disclose it to anyone. Also ask him to not judge you for the matter that you would discuss with him and to not make opinions about you, neither would you both share it with anybody, whatever his own thoughts would be regarding your issue. 
 

Once he says yes (he would be deeply curious by now as what you want to ask him anyway, and may not be even thinking about being proposed - poor guy lol), and once he promises to stick to those basic rules of Akhlaq of secrecy, then and only then proceed. 
 

... and when you decide to tell him, please don’t send him an email or a text. Basically nothing written that could be God forbid used against you even without your knowing. This would have long term implications for you if he ever chose to get rouge on you. People change and even the seemingly most pious people, even women, have threatened (attempted blackmailed) their previous suitors or ex-spouses. 
 

A better method would be, invite him in a public place, library, coffee shop etc., visibly turn your phone off and politely ask him to do so too (excuse could be so there are no potential distractions), and say it in one simple sentence, something like, “I admire your religious leaning and Akhlaq and I was wondering if you would like to propose me (this keeps your female head high). In the name of our grandmother Khadija AS, just give it a serious thought and let me know by calling on my number later.”
 

Then, after a brief pause, Thank him for coming and listening. 
 

Say Salam, and walk away. Khalas. 
 

Again no texts. 
(It’s the month of grief, so you don’t want to make it a fanfare anyway). 

w’salam

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Basic Members
On 9/1/2020 at 12:41 AM, Guest Molana Laddan said:

Of course there is absolutely no harm in women asking the men. 

I’ve one suggestion though. 

Before you ask him anything, please prepare the proverbial stage.
 

In other words tell him that you would want to talk to him about a matter of importance. And once you would tell him, you want him to think about it. Also tell him that the matter you want to discuss must remain between you and him, and that he would promise you to never disclose it to anyone. Also ask him to not judge you for the matter that you would discuss with him and to not make opinions about you, neither would you both share it with anybody, whatever his own thoughts would be regarding your issue. 
 

Once he says yes (he would be deeply curious by now as what you want to ask him anyway, and may not be even thinking about being proposed - poor guy lol), and once he promises to stick to those basic rules of Akhlaq of secrecy, then and only then proceed. 
 

... and when you decide to tell him, please don’t send him an email or a text. Basically nothing written that could be God forbid used against you even without your knowing. This would have long term implications for you if he ever chose to get rouge on you. People change and even the seemingly most pious people, even women, have threatened (attempted blackmailed) their previous suitors or ex-spouses. 
 

A better method would be, invite him in a public place, library, coffee shop etc., visibly turn your phone off and politely ask him to do so too (excuse could be so there are no potential distractions), and say it in one simple sentence, something like, “I admire your religious leaning and Akhlaq and I was wondering if you would like to propose me (this keeps your female head high). In the name of our grandmother Khadija AS, just give it a serious thought and let me know by calling on my number later.”
 

Then, after a brief pause, Thank him for coming and listening. 
 

Say Salam, and walk away. Khalas. 
 

Again no texts. 
(It’s the month of grief, so you don’t want to make it a fanfare anyway). 

w’salam

Thank you for that comment brother. It was really insightful to get advice that is completely new to me. Haven't actually thought of these suggestions. I don't have anyone in mind just yet to drop my "pride" for and propose to because i've never thought of "proposing" to a guy but i think its good to get some insight and perspective from brothers on this question because i dont know what will happen in the future, i might need the advice. May Allah bless you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...