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In the Name of God بسم الله

I've Sinned but My Heart Feels Dead - Help

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Guest DepressedBeing

Hullo Shiachat,

I'm normally a practicing individual, but to my surprise, I committed a sin yesterday that I never expected myself to commit. It's crazy how Shaitan can trick one and slowly build up one's level of transgression. I did not see this coming, my soul was screaming at me and yet I committed the sin. 

Now, I feel like all my previous worship and recommended acts of worship I used to do have gone to waste. I feel that I am back to level zero. I feel shattered. I feel very saddened because I was maintaing a very clean slate before this sin and I was even doing several mustahab acts even though I did not feel any spiritual enlightenment, but instead felt dull. 

Eventually, my desires failed to stay caged and I just couldn't take it anymore, and then I knowingly committed a sin. I knowingly disobeyed the creator. And now I have dropped profoundly in my own eyes. I have dropped to a new level of low which I enver dropped to before. I have lost a lot of respect for myself.

I feel bad but at the same time, I feel that I don't feel as devasted as I should. I feel bad I sinned but at the same time I feel like that I am struggling to feel the guilt that I should be feeling, and I also feel like I'm struggling feel the due remorse and sincerity while repenting. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Has my faith weakened? Has my love for God in my heart weakened? Should I re-visit the books of Islamic doctrine to strengthen my beliefs again? I don't know what to do with myself. What scares me is that despite my ugly act, I feel calm, I feel cool, I feel like returning to my normal activities like nothing happened, and I feel like escaping to my entertainment outlets like everything is normal.

Have I become a filthy animal who cares not for his creator or his religion? Do I have some split personality mental health disorder? I feel too damn calm typing this message...

I did repent soon after the sin, but I do not know if it was truly sincere, I couln't even squeeze out a tear, I felt like I just simply uttered the words. 

Has my heart become a rock? Has my heart died? 

Also, I should mention, I have noticed that in the last couple of years my faith and religiousity had become too focused on the logic and reasoning side of things and had become empty of emotions, feelings of the heart, and any kind of "spiritual high/enlightenment". I was always adament about holding on to religion but surprisingly I never felt too much emotion in my religious practice. Also, I was very perplexed at the sight of many of the people around me with the same shia muslim label as me who lacked any adequate religious understanding or even adherance to religious law, but instead would be very cultural muslims but who would cry away in the majalises and would be full of emotion when doing the few religous acts they did. In many of the majalises I attended, rarely did I cry or feel deep emotions. Instead, I would look at others around me who did actually cry and have these negative thoughts entering my mind...

I will be thankful if any of you provide any useful insights, guidance, help, or anything else for this sinful, hypocritical, heart-dead, emotionless, and void-of-due-guilt being.

Exploring this website, @Abu Hadi, you seem to be provide great advice. Would love to hear from you.

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Posted (edited)
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Now, I feel like all my previous worship and recommended acts of worship I used to do have gone to waste. I feel that I am back to level zero. I feel shattered. I feel very saddened because I was maintaing a very clean slate before this sin and I was even doing several mustahab acts even though I did not feel any spiritual enlightenment, but instead felt dull. 

No it is not, God loves you because you want to fix this issue and go back to Him (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and He wants you to be more mindful to Him. We have a narration from our Imam (as):

He said: Abul Qasim Ja'far ibn Muhammad reported to me from his father, from Sa'd ibn Abdillah, from Ahmad ibn Muhammad ibn Isa, from al-Husayn ibn Saeed, from Muhammad ibn Abu Umair from al-Harith ibn Behram, from Amru ibn Jamee' that:

Abu Abdillah, Ja'far ibn Muhammad, peace be upon him told me: "Whoever comes to us seeking Fiqh, Qur'an and its exegesis, let him in. And whoever comes to reveal such secret (fault of the others) which Allah (in His Mercy) has concealed, discard him!" Someone said: "May I be your ransom, may I mention my present situation?" He said: "(Yes), if you so wish." He said: "By Allah, I am persistent upon sin since long time, and I intend to transform myself, but I cannot." He said: "If what you say is true, then Allah loves you, and He does not prevent your transformation except that you may fear him (more by being mindful, and not conceited)."

There are many people who come with similar issue, but I see that this narration is so powerful to help anyone who repents and want to seek God love, that God loves them already without their realization.

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In many of the majalises I attended, rarely did I cry or feel deep emotions. Instead, I would look at others around me who did actually cry and have these negative thoughts entering my mind...

This is fine, just take time to Remember Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) often by different a'mals and read supplications and praise Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) by his name and understand His names and insha'Allah you will start to feel them in awe and cry.

Edited by Abu Nur
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3 hours ago, Guest DepressedBeing said:

I feel very saddened because I was maintaing a very clean slate before this sin

You are not alone. We have all stumbled. Many times we try and fail. 

 

2 hours ago, Abu Nur said:

God loves you because you want to fix this issue and go back to Him

This is true. 

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Salam,

Three main enemies that will attack us,

1. Enemies of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).  Such as person, media outlets that are controlled by enemies, leaders who against Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). And many more.

2. Our own self (nafs).

3.  Syaitans.

As for #1, associate ourself with the accompany of people who are pious.

For #2.  Don't trust the self, put trust in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).  Imam Ali said "the best action is then one that you forced on yourself to do it".  Ignore your own logic and justification when trying to be with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)..  Sincerely force yourself to follow Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) commands (one step at a time), and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will reveal to you the logic to why you trust Him will be better to the self.  The heart will become better in seeing and understanding the goodness of Islamic deeds.  With that new understanding, the self can be controlled, not by you but by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)   Because your understanding is derived from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will control the self that within us, little by little. It may takes years.  Time should not be a factor, having a relationship with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is the most important thing, even the string is so tiny because of our sins.  Don't break it, even though we have sinned lots.

For #3, Remember Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), Prophet and Imams. Syaitans cannot get close to those who are having relationship with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and His Chosen Slaves.  Read lots of salawats.  In the wordings of salawat...it contains our relationship with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), Muhammad and Aale Muhammad.

One way build the relationship with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is before you start any actions or activities such putting clothes, eating, watching, tv, taking shower...we have thousands of activities in a day, read

1.  Aauuzibillahi minas Syaitanni rajeem (i seek refuge through Allahbswt directly from the Cursed Syaitans in the activity that i am about to perform.

2.  Bismillahi Rahmani Raheem.  The reading means that "i begin this activity under the Names of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

3. Read salawat.

If any muslim begins  his daily activities with the above, there will no issues that we are not guided.  Majority of us are ghaflaat...careless.

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Posted (edited)

Bismillah Rahman Raheem . Pray Namazeh Imam Ali which is a 2 separate sets of 2 rakats . After each time saying Surah Fatiha - you will recite Surah Ikhlas 50 times . If it's hard to count for you , just count from fraction of sets of 10 which is easier and you can use your finger parts to count as like you would with a tally mark but in this case in your head. If you pray namazeh Imam Ali according to our doctorine inshAllah all your sins will be forgiven for lifetime but you must seek forgiveness after for everything you have done that you don't know and not able to remember and send salawat on Prophet Muhammad and Imam Ali . Here's a link to the prayer http://www.duas.org/namazofmasoomeen.htm . If for whatever reason you aren't able to do this which you should make dua to Allah to enabilize you than just pray a 2 normal 2 rakat namaz Istighfar . Say Ya Afuw ( The Pardoner ) , Ya Ghaffar ( The forgiver ) a lot . Also you should read Surah Yaseen everyday to wipe away your sins . Just start reading the Holy Quran and all hadith a lot everyday and stay away from all music , filthy thoughts related to carnal desires , tv , movies , and spend your time in the worship and remembrance of Allah . Try your best to get up for tahajjud and make sure you pray 5 times a day on time . Also you can try praying Dua Mashlool which you can google it - that is a dua someone who habitually abused his father the boy had recited this after being paraylzed and he was forgiven and cured . Try if you can to give charity to those in Lebanon or if you have no cash just go to a pond and feed birds. Make a firm conviction that you never sin for the rest of your life and ask Allah for safety from sinning . Say this dua , " My lord , separate me far from my sins as the same distance you separated east and west " . Also here's list of hadith concerning forgiveness that Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) has said which does contain a few extraordinary duas https://sunnah.com/riyadussaliheen/19 . Just keep asking Allah for complete safety from sinning and especially seek forgiveness before sunrise and sunset and tahajjud time . Remember to very importantly seek forgiveness in your heart silently as Imam Reza (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) it's mandatory . And try investing in your life for the money to go for hajj , umrah , or ziyraat to one of the shrines and you will be forgiven

Edited by Strong Foundation
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7 hours ago, Guest DepressedBeing said:

Hullo Shiachat,

Salam,

7 hours ago, Guest DepressedBeing said:

I'm normally a practicing individual, but to my surprise, I committed a sin yesterday that I never expected myself to commit. It's crazy how Shaitan can trick one and slowly build up one's level of transgression. I did not see this coming, my soul was screaming at me and yet I committed the sin. 

Perhaps God wants to teach us humility.  We thought we "own such and such positive trait" but God want sto teach us that He alone is the owner of all positive traits.  And He will humiliate us until we admit and acknowledge this.

Instead of: "How could I have committed a sin, I thought I was beyond that sin, I am better than that, or so I thought!"

Try:

"Yes, subhanallah, God is All-Merciful (Rahman) and I am the one who is always in need of mercy (Marhum) , who can show mercy to the one in need of mercy except for the All-Merciful?  There is no need to feel guilt, but there is a need to acknowledge and be conscious of who you are and who God is.  What is required is not guilt, but consciousness.  What is required is not a subjective or emotional feeling and a judgement, but a mere noticing of the facts in an objective manner.  God doesn't need your guilt, and nor does He want you to be guilty.   Having said this, it is however better to feel guilty (be in a state of nafs lawwama) than to be completely unaware of what wrong you did (to be in a state of nafs al-ammara bis-su).  

 

7 hours ago, Guest DepressedBeing said:

Now, I feel like all my previous worship and recommended acts of worship I used to do have gone to waste. I feel that I am back to level zero. I feel shattered. I feel very saddened because I was maintaing a very clean slate before this sin and I was even doing several mustahab acts even though I did not feel any spiritual enlightenment, but instead felt dull. 

 

 

 

7 hours ago, Guest DepressedBeing said:

Eventually, my desires failed to stay caged and I just couldn't take it anymore, and then I knowingly committed a sin. I knowingly disobeyed the creator. And now I have dropped profoundly in my own eyes. I have dropped to a new level of low which I enver dropped to before. I have lost a lot of respect for myself.

I feel bad but at the same time, I feel that I don't feel as devasted as I should. I feel bad I sinned but at the same time I feel like that I am struggling to feel the guilt that I should be feeling, and I also feel like I'm struggling feel the due remorse and sincerity while repenting. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Has my faith weakened? Has my love for God in my heart weakened? Should I re-visit the books of Islamic doctrine to strengthen my beliefs again? I don't know what to do with myself. What scares me is that despite my ugly act, I feel calm, I feel cool, I feel like returning to my normal activities like nothing happened, and I feel like escaping to my entertainment outlets like everything is normal.

Have I become a filthy animal who cares not for his creator or his religion? Do I have some split personality mental health disorder? I feel too damn calm typing this message...

I did repent soon after the sin, but I do not know if it was truly sincere, I couln't even squeeze out a tear, I felt like I just simply uttered the words. 

Has my heart become a rock? Has my heart died? 

Also, I should mention, I have noticed that in the last couple of years my faith and religiousity had become too focused on the logic and reasoning side of things and had become empty of emotions, feelings of the heart, and any kind of "spiritual high/enlightenment". I was always adament about holding on to religion but surprisingly I never felt too much emotion in my religious practice. Also, I was very perplexed at the sight of many of the people around me with the same shia muslim label as me who lacked any adequate religious understanding or even adherance to religious law, but instead would be very cultural muslims but who would cry away in the majalises and would be full of emotion when doing the few religous acts they did. In many of the majalises I attended, rarely did I cry or feel deep emotions. Instead, I would look at others around me who did actually cry and have these negative thoughts entering my mind...

I will be thankful if any of you provide any useful insights, guidance, help, or anything else for this sinful, hypocritical, heart-dead, emotionless, and void-of-due-guilt being.

 

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