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In the Name of God بسم الله

Marriage pressure

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Guest Anoni
8 hours ago, AStruggler said:

Which part?:

He simply suggested to not completely discount the idea.

Nobody is saying to prioritise marrying those people, go ahead and prioritise marrying people of whatever culture you identify with, but completely closing them off as options may not be good either. You may actually be doing yourself a disservice by limiting yourself like that.

Do you not feel embarrassed writing this? 

Clearly you failed to grasp brother @Mohammad313Ali's well-articulated words. The brother was sincere and gave you well thought out and valuable advices. It's sad you were unable to appreciate them.

I 100% agree with the above. Forget marrige, but such rock-lick rigidity and stubborness will not do you good in any domain of human experience.

This is what you call being "ziddi" in Urdu, mature up Sis. 

I don't feel embarrassed writing that when someone is clearly shaming me, calling me arrogant and racist. I'm not completely closing it off, but my mom will never find an educated one from her area because they all moved to other cities and countries to work there. And even if she finds - which I doubt - he still has to move to my country, learn the language, adapt to the culture and leave behind his family and friends. The language spoken in my country is very hard to learn so he'll have to be jobless for years. After he learned the language he has to get some education for a job. I've seen many men from that region come here and after 20 years they are still jobless, I'm not saying all those men would be, but it's hard to find a job here if you don't speak the language, and it's even harder if you did have a proper education and you have to do work that is below what you've studied for.

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Guest Demon King

"يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ إِنَّا خَلَقۡنَٰكُم مِّن ذَكَرٖ وَأُنثَىٰ وَجَعَلۡنَٰكُمۡ شُعُوبٗا وَقَبَآئِلَ لِتَعَارَفُوٓاْۚ إِنَّ أَكۡرَمَكُمۡ عِندَ ٱللَّهِ أَتۡقَىٰكُمۡۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٞ"

(Hujrat 49:13)

Translation:- "O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted."
 

On 7/31/2020 at 4:23 AM, Guest anoni said:

Im a female and now that I’m 20 my mum brings up the topic about marriage quite often. She preferably wants me to marry someone from back home, but I think I can convince her to let me marry someone from another race/ethnicity living in this country. Anyway, that’s not my biggest problem right now. The thing is I have no shias around me so how am I going to find a spouse here? There a lot of muslims living here but most of them are sunni. We dont have any shia mosques near us as well. Im afraid that by the time I’m 25 I still haven’t found anyone and that I have to marry someone from back home, and honestly the thought of it makes me suffocated and sick. I’d rather stay single than marry someone from my parents country. Does anyone have advice for me?

Salaam Alaikum Respected Sister,

Hope you're doing good. As said by brother @AStruggler, brother @Mohammad313Ali was indeed advising you with utmost sincerity and based on the best interests for a believing mo'minah. However as you were born with the right of choosing what you want and parents too cannot force you to take a specific individual to be your spouse as that Nikah would be considered invalid in the eyes of God without your agreement, but before taking a step forward towards getting married, I'd humbly request / advice / recommend you to read about Marriage in Shia Islam, its significance, your rights, your husband's rights, the way of Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام) etc as it will give you a crystal clear horizon to think about.

On 8/3/2020 at 2:58 PM, Guest anoni said:

Again, you're a man, you won't understand. And pleaseeeeeeee don't tell me girls are better of than boys in our culture? Please, don't lie to yourself like that. If a man loses his virginity before marriage, no biggy, but if a woman loses it the whole family is shamed. And there are more examples.

Loosing virginity in an illegal way is one of a Kabaer sin which is surely applicable to every person irrespective of gender and if it was Allah's government prevailing, its Hadd would also be applicable to both the genders, everyone who commits should be ashamed and seek forgiveness.

On 8/2/2020 at 1:49 AM, Guest anoni said:

why? because I know what I want? Sorry I’m not going to marry someone who grew up in a different environment with a different mentality. He probably thinks “i’m too westernized” and then other problems will be there. It’s not a matter of unhealthy thinking it’s a matter of knowing what I want and seeing what happened to other people. Why do women always need to settle for less than what they want? 

 I humbly request you to broaden your perspective and look beyond the preconceived notion and presumptions and pretty sure it will be a pleasant experience in the end of learning a new culture and new language for both the parties. And let me assure you, there's more to it than it meets the eye with whatever you have seen as you've said regarding couples from back home and there's no guarantee of you experiencing the same bad experience just like others which you have referenced .

The following hadith warns us of the consequences of rejecting a good proposal
The Prophet has said, “When a man whose religion and character pleases you comes to you [with a proposition], then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be chaos and a great corruption in the world.”

On 8/3/2020 at 2:06 AM, Guest anoni said:

Yeah, and it's even more disheartening that men from here are shaming me just because I know what I want

It is not shaming, it is giving the right advice, right being that which Islam has ordained to be so which unfortunately you aren't wanting to hear. Its Amr bil Maroof and Nahi Anel Munkar.

Lastly, I'd suggest you to get Married for the Hereafter !!

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Guest anoni
2 hours ago, Guest Demon King said:

 

The following hadith warns us of the consequences of rejecting a good proposal
The Prophet has said, “When a man whose religion and character pleases you comes to you [with a proposition], then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be chaos and a great corruption in the world.”

 

but what if im not attracted to the person i don't want to be unhappy in my marriage just because the person was good in theory

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4 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

but what if im not attracted to the person i don't want to be unhappy in my marriage just because the person was good in theory

Then don't marry him. There has to be some potential for attraction with the person you are agreeing to spend the rest of your life with.

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Guest Demon King
1 hour ago, Guest anoni said:

but what if im not attracted to the person i don't want to be unhappy in my marriage just because the person was good in theory

I'm certain as a rock this hadith is applicable not in just theory but also real time. I will never doubt the words of Holy Prophet (SAWA) (Nauzobillahi min Zaalik) and no one said to not consider compatibility and attraction. Please also do read Tahzeebul Islam by Allamah Baqer Majlisi ((رضي الله عنه))

As you have responded with a question let me reciprocate with a similar question

Will you marry a person solely based on attractive looks who is 'westernised' (euphemism for liberal prohibitory acts) and involved in debauchery, all the haram acts etc who is a contradiction to the aforementioned example in the above hadith ?

This is a question for you to ask your conscience and you are indeed the decision taker and you're the one to traverse through whatever the path you choose. However, I'd advice you to prioritize religiosity, nobility before check-marking attractiveness and these are applicable to an individual of any color, culture, country etc.

Lastly, before jumping on the marriage bandwagon do read about marriage, morals and way of Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام).

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On 8/1/2020 at 7:33 PM, rkazmi33 said:

Sister! You are so right. All this is emotional blackmailing , but never submit to the pressure. Focus on your career and try to become independent. And don't marry anyone just to please your parents or other people. Don't settle.

I agree. I think it's important to know what you want, and to have high expectations. Marriage is a big commitment, so you shouldn't settle. I also think it's important to marry someone who has similar values as you. Prayers for you as you navigate this difficult situation. God has a good plan for you!

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Posted (edited)

People keep talking about not refusing to marry a pious man. Forcing or pressurizing someone to marry you is not considered moral or ethical in any culture. I would never want to pressurize or emotionally blackmail someone into marrying me, no matter how much I like that person. Forget about a pious momin, I think such a person is not even a decent human being. Think about it: if you go to buy something, and the salesman pushes you to buy something without giving you the chance to think about it, do you think it's ethical or honest? Marriage is a decision for whole life, especially for women, since it's nearly impossible for them to get a divorce. How can you justify emotional blackmailing and forcing someone to make such a decision.

I am also dealing with so much pressure. There have been some incidents of American women going to Pakistan and getting married to uneducated, poor men there. I am suspicious that those men have used black magic, otherwise there's no logical explanation for the actions of those women. And now Pakistani men have new argument that if American women can get married to men from those countries, why cannot Pakistani women living in west do it? Stupid argument!!!!!

Edited by rkazmi33
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Posted (edited)
On 8/1/2020 at 4:19 PM, Guest anoni said:

why? because I know what I want? Sorry I’m not going to marry someone who grew up in a different environment with a different mentality. He probably thinks “i’m too westernized” and then other problems will be there. It’s not a matter of unhealthy thinking it’s a matter of knowing what I want and seeing what happened to other people. Why do women always need to settle for less than what they want? 

Everyone has 'red lines' when it comes to marriage. You know yourself better than anyone except Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). You know what you can accept and not accept. I don't blame you for thinking this way. What I would say is look for someone that you prefer, but keep an open mind. You never know what tomorrow will bring. You may meet someone who, for example grew up in Afghanistan as a child, but also lived in the West for a number of years, so they will have a different perspective, culturally. 

As Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) said, 'If a man comes to you and asks for marriage, and you are satisfied with his Deen and Aklaq, then marry him....'

Now, Deen is straitforward, he does the wajib, and avoids that haram as much as possible. He believes in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h), and since you are looking for a Shia guy, accepts the Wilayat and Imamate of Amir Al Mumineen((عليه السلام)) and Imams of Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام)). That is the straightforward part. There are millions of guys, both in Afghanistan / Pakistan, and in the West who would qualify on this criteria. The other part is Aklaq, that part is not as straightforward. There are some parts of Aklaq that are straitforward, like being kind to parents, being kind to people in general, treating you and your family with respect, being honest. Those are the important parts of Aklaq. There are other parts that are cultural. How someone has a conversation, how they get their point across, how they negotiate the relationship with you, how they communicate. These are also parts of aklaq, but not the most important parts. Yet, if you are not satisfied with these parts, then you are not satisfied with your husbands Aklaq, and this could present problems in the marriage. That is why the hadith said specifically, you are satisfied with his Aklaq. Of course, I don't think any women is 100% satisfied with her husband's aklaq in every situation, but you should try to find someone that you are satisfied with, in general, most of the time. 

Aklaq is often translated in English as 'manners', but that is a bad translation. You could be satisfied with someones 'manners', i.e. how they greet you, how the eat at the table, whether they use the proper fork for salad, but not be satisfied with their Aklaq. I would say a better translation of Alkaq is 'the way that you communicate and interact with people'. Aklaq is a large subject in Islam and most of the religious speeches given by Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) and Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام)) were about Aklaq, not about Deen. Alot of communication and interaction is cultural. I will give you a funny example

When I first became muslim (I am a revert to Islam who was raised in a Christian house in the US, in California), I spent alot of time around Arabs, and specifically Lebanese, because this was the community I 'reverted' into. So, as many of you know, the Arabs have a particular way of 'summoning' someone. Like if you are standing across the room from someone and they want you to come over to where the are, they will make this gesture with their hand, palm facing down, and move their four fingers toward them in a sweeping motion. They will also make this 'clicking' sound with their teeth at the same time. Well as some of you who were raised in the West, particularly in the US, know, this is a common way to call an animal, specifically a dog or a horse, you would never call a person in this way. When you want to call a person ,you swing your arm up from the elbow, with your palm facing toward yourself. So when someone first did this to me, I got so upset I wanted to fight them. Then a brother who was at the gathering figured out what was going on and explained to me that this was a common way for Arabs to call someone, a person, over. 

So the point is that if your potential husband is constantly doing cultural, Aklaqi things that are making you upset and you don't feel that you could 'get over it', then definitely don't marry them and look for someone else. If it happens once in a while, that's different from it constantly happening, like multiple times a day. This is part of being satisfied with his 'aklaq'. Hope that helped. Salam and I wish you luck in finding someone. 

 

Edited by Abu Hadi
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Guest anoni
On 8/14/2020 at 5:50 AM, rkazmi33 said:

People keep talking about not refusing to marry a pious man. Forcing or pressurizing someone to marry you is not considered moral or ethical in any culture. I would never want to pressurize or emotionally blackmail someone into marrying me, no matter how much I like that person. Forget about a pious momin, I think such a person is not even a decent human being. Think about it: if you go to buy something, and the salesman pushes you to buy something without giving you the chance to think about it, do you think it's ethical or honest? Marriage is a decision for whole life, especially for women, since it's nearly impossible for them to get a divorce. How can you justify emotional blackmailing and forcing someone to make such a decision.

I am also dealing with so much pressure. There have been some incidents of American women going to Pakistan and getting married to uneducated, poor men there. I am suspicious that those men have used black magic, otherwise there's no logical explanation for the actions of those women. And now Pakistani men have new argument that if American women can get married to men from those countries, why cannot Pakistani women living in west do it? Stupid argument!!!!!

Black magic? Ya Allah is this true? and if this is please protect me from this. How do they do this, do they use a photo from social media because if so im going to delete my photos. Black magic is so scary 

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Guest Just someone
On 8/4/2020 at 5:11 AM, Ali_Hussain said:

..... people marrying their illiterate cousin from the village who has never been 10 miles from the spot where he was born.

Or she was born. 

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