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In the Name of God بسم الله

Marriage pressure

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Guest anoni

Im a female and now that I’m 20 my mum brings up the topic about marriage quite often. She preferably wants me to marry someone from back home, but I think I can convince her to let me marry someone from another race/ethnicity living in this country. Anyway, that’s not my biggest problem right now. The thing is I have no shias around me so how am I going to find a spouse here? There a lot of muslims living here but most of them are sunni. We dont have any shia mosques near us as well. Im afraid that by the time I’m 25 I still haven’t found anyone and that I have to marry someone from back home, and honestly the thought of it makes me suffocated and sick. I’d rather stay single than marry someone from my parents country. Does anyone have advice for me?

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Guest anoni
19 hours ago, AStruggler said:

What country do you currently live in? 

And where's "back home"?

i live in europe not uk tho

and my mum wants me to marry an afghan or a specific ethinicty that lives in afghanistan but also pakistan

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Salam sister, although you have the right to your own preferences pertaining to a potential spouse I would advise to not completely discount the idea of marrying someone back home or an individual of afghan/paki ethnicity respectively. Each country has its own diverse groups and I must say that from the Afghan/Pakistan community there are some of the most well-mannered, educated, and beautiful men around. 

In the end it is imperative to never lose sight of the mercy of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), share with your mother your idea of an ideal spouse who you will be satisfied to live your life with and Insha'Allah such specifications will better help both you and your mother in identifying a suitor. Again I truly think that it is unnecessary to say that you don't want someone who is from Afghanistan or Pakistan, because I can confidently assure you whatever qualities you seek, be they physical, spiritual, etc. You will be able to find them Insha'Allah within those respective communities as well. 

As for finding Shias within your own vicinity, I believe it is natural for such problems of scarcity to arise, due to the demographic in the west being minority Muslim and Shias being a minority of a minority, however, this does not necessarily mean that there is no hope - after all only one good gentleman will suffice for life. Try your best to respectfully introduce a reasonable case to your mother and in the meantime focus on improving yourself in the qualities that will aid you in becoming a better spouse and mother, I assure you it will remedy your sickness and loosen the grip that is suffocating you.

 

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If your parents feel that they can find a compatible spouse for you from your region (where you're living) or a similar society, give them the chance to bring forward some potential matches so that you may at least consider them.

Marriage is an important part of our religion so if you have the opportunity to do so then I recommend to readily take this great blessing. 

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Guest anoni
3 hours ago, Mohammad313Ali said:

Salam sister, although you have the right to your own preferences pertaining to a potential spouse I would advise to not completely discount the idea of marrying someone back home or an individual of afghan/paki ethnicity respectively. Each country has its own diverse groups and I must say that from the Afghan/Pakistan community there are some of the most well-mannered, educated, and beautiful men around. 

In the end it is imperative to never lose sight of the mercy of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), share with your mother your idea of an ideal spouse who you will be satisfied to live your life with and Insha'Allah such specifications will better help both you and your mother in identifying a suitor. Again I truly think that it is unnecessary to say that you don't want someone who is from Afghanistan or Pakistan, because I can confidently assure you whatever qualities you seek, be they physical, spiritual, etc. You will be able to find them Insha'Allah within those respective communities as well. 

As for finding Shias within your own vicinity, I believe it is natural for such problems of scarcity to arise, due to the demographic in the west being minority Muslim and Shias being a minority of a minority, however, this does not necessarily mean that there is no hope - after all only one good gentleman will suffice for life. Try your best to respectfully introduce a reasonable case to your mother and in the meantime focus on improving yourself in the qualities that will aid you in becoming a better spouse and mother, I assure you it will remedy your sickness and loosen the grip that is suffocating you.

 

It’s not that I don’t want marry an Afghan or Pakistani, sure I do but only if they’re born here or grew up here. I’ve seen how unhappy some relatives are who even grew ip back home and married someone from there let alone me. The mentality is different and I could never marry someone from there. 

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Guest anoni
40 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

If your parents feel that they can find a compatible spouse for you from your region (where you're living) or a similar society, give them the chance to bring forward some potential matches so that you may at least consider them.

Marriage is an important part of our religion so if you have the opportunity to do so then I recommend to readily take this great blessing. 

no they dont know anyone from here. They only know ppl from their own homeland and I don’t want that I’d rather stay single the rest of my life than marry someone from there sorry.

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7 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

I’d rather stay single the rest of my life than marry someone from there sorry.

I recommend working on this unhealthy thinking before looking for a spouse. 

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Guest anoni
4 hours ago, Mohammad313Ali said:

I recommend working on this unhealthy thinking before looking for a spouse. 

why? because I know what I want? Sorry I’m not going to marry someone who grew up in a different environment with a different mentality. He probably thinks “i’m too westernized” and then other problems will be there. It’s not a matter of unhealthy thinking it’s a matter of knowing what I want and seeing what happened to other people. Why do women always need to settle for less than what they want? 

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3 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

why? because I know what I want? Sorry I’m not going to marry someone who grew up in a different environment with a different mentality. He probably thinks “i’m too westernized” and then other problems will be there. It’s not a matter of unhealthy thinking it’s a matter of knowing what I want and seeing what happened to other people. Why do women always need to settle for less than what they want? 

Sister! You are so right. All this is emotional blackmailing , but never submit to the pressure. Focus on your career and try to become independent. And don't marry anyone just to please your parents or other people. Don't settle. All the people back home, who are telling you to settle, they are only interested in you because you live in west. They can take their own advice and settle with someone in their own city. 

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3 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

I’m not going to marry someone who grew up in a different environment with a different mentality.

People in that environment aren't some savages, I advise you to reevaluate your prejudices.

3 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

He probably thinks “i’m too westernized”

This is what I am referring to, having preconceived ideas is unhealthy. As for being 'westernized' I don't know what you mean by that? after all, it is reasonable to want a wife who seeks to maintain proper Islamic guidelines.

3 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

Why do women always need to settle for less than what they want? 

Very arrogant of you to assume you are better than anyone from 'back home' 

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Guest anoni
20 hours ago, Mohammad313Ali said:

People in that environment aren't some savages, I advise you to reevaluate your prejudices.

This is what I am referring to, having preconceived ideas is unhealthy. As for being 'westernized' I don't know what you mean by that? after all, it is reasonable to want a wife who seeks to maintain proper Islamic guidelines.

Very arrogant of you to assume you are better than anyone from 'back home' 

I'm not saying they're savages, I'm only saying they have different views on different topics so that would definitely clash. 

Why are you saying I have preconceived ideas? These are my experiences and you can't know because you're a man (who, unfortunately, have more freedom and are treated differentely, dont deny). So now you're saying I don't practice islam correctly? 

And where exactly did I say im better than anyone from back home? They can be better persons, they can be better muslims. All I'm saying is that it WILL clash, especially because I've not been raised with their culture a lot because I don't have relatives here. 

So please, you are just another man who is silencing me.

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Guest anoni
20 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

Sister! You are so right. All this is emotional blackmailing , but never submit to the pressure. Focus on your career and try to become independent. And don't marry anyone just to please your parents or other people. Don't settle. All the people back home, who are telling you to settle, they are only interested in you because you live in west. They can take their own advice and settle with someone in their own city. 

Yeah, and it's even more disheartening that men from here are shaming me just because I know what I want. And trust me, I'm fully focused on my career, i've seen other women and never ever in my life will I become dependent on a man. 

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Guest Molana Laddan

Having lived in West, I have, just like you may have seen so many couples where the wives are from here (are native of EU, Au, UK, CA, US)  and the men are from overseas who moved here for college or immigrated later. Many are living happily and without any issues. 
 

I’m not discounting the hurdles of such marriages but when convert women can do that, why you a born Muslim woman can’t? 
 

I believe most of the marriages are liveable and most men and women are compatible as long as they both are generally sane people. Ask your parents to find someone sane, honorable, hardworking, and honest man from back home and marry. It would work, I can guarantee it, as long as you give him chance to live with you without hurting his ego. 
 

Yes, do work on your career, and try only be dependent on Allah, and nobody else, and then take your marriage as an icing on the cake. 
 

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7 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

I'm only saying they have different views on different topics so that would definitely clash. 

That is what I am referring to, as you can see assuming that everyone from back home will clash with you, due to their differing ideas is a preconceived notion.

7 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

who, unfortunately, have more freedom and are treated differentely, dont deny

This is toxic thinking, I see feminism has done well to poison your outlook towards men. 

7 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

So please, you are just another man who is silencing me.

How am I silencing you exactly, by telling you to reevaluate your thinking and prejudices? 

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

it's even more disheartening that men from here are shaming me just because I know what I want

Sometimes what we want is inconsistent with what is right, right being that which Islam has ordained to be so. When you ask for advice you need to be ready for whatever comes your way, saying that I am a man so I cannot possibly conceptualize your plight as a woman is really echoing to me an insecurity to look at things from other perspectives and hold oneself accountable. I am not telling you what you want to hear, I am telling you what you need to hear.  

The only person who has done the shaming here is you, and for that I pray that Allah forgives you and illuminates your heart.

7 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

never ever in my life will I become dependent on a man. 

Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's not how things work. Women have certain rights over men and likewise men have rights over women, both are to work in union and both are subject to the Islamic laws which differentiate between them and the guidelines that are set to give men their specific rights over women and women their rights over men.

Your prejudices towards men are a product of feminism and your racism towards those who come from an indo/pak culture is a product of the liberal society you live in which has influenced your hatred towards such cultures through the writings/teachings of orientalists. 

Remember that your own bad personal experiences with men and people from that beautiful and dignified culture, do not mean that all men are out to get you, or everyone who is raised in such a culture holds 'backward views'.

7 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

you are just another man who is silencing me.

What a sad mentality to have, I wonder if my name was feminine what would your response be then? would you consider reevaluating your racism, hatred, and internalised prejudices that stem from an insignificant portion of bad anecdotal experiences, or would you simply result to other means of playing the victim or displaying your hatred. I highly doubt you would even acquiesce to anything contrary to what you already have in mind. So really is it advice you seek, or just another person telling you what you want to hear so you can feel right? 

Edited by Mohammad313Ali
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Posted (edited)

hello darling sister,

 

I am so sorry for the struggles you're undergoing. My best advice to you is to remain patient. Do not worry about what your parents are doing, they are just being the loving and caring parents that they seem. Just be polite with them and let them know in a kind way that you're busy studying or working and you are not ready. 

Stay focused on your studies, you're still young. Sooner or later you will come across a shia family (man), and God willing find the one to settle down with. I am 25 and studying, we are all on a boat sailing to the same destination (grave) so we should be patient, humble, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) plans and His plans are the best. 

I do apologise if anyone misunderstood or said anything to hurt your feelings, you're going through a tough time at your age. I hope you find peace soon inshallah.

Allah knows best. 

Edited by Anisa Bandeh Khoda
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11 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

So please, you are just another man who is silencing me.

Salam Sister,

I don't think the brother is trying to silence you, he is simply giving advice.

On 8/1/2020 at 2:52 PM, Mohammad313Ali said:

Salam sister, although you have the right to your own preferences pertaining to a potential spouse I would advise to not completely discount the idea of marrying someone back home or an individual of afghan/paki ethnicity respectively. Each country has its own diverse groups and I must say that from the Afghan/Pakistan community there are some of the most well-mannered, educated, and beautiful men around. 

He is just trying to say not to completely abandon marrying people that are raised up somewhere else, you have the choice to marry whom you want but it isn't a problem marrying someone raised somewhere else. No one is trying to force anything on you.

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Guest anoni
5 hours ago, Guest Molana Laddan said:

Having lived in West, I have, just like you may have seen so many couples where the wives are from here (are native of EU, Au, UK, CA, US)  and the men are from overseas who moved here for college or immigrated later. Many are living happily and without any issues. 
 

I’m not discounting the hurdles of such marriages but when convert women can do that, why you a born Muslim woman can’t? 
 

I believe most of the marriages are liveable and most men and women are compatible as long as they both are generally sane people. Ask your parents to find someone sane, honorable, hardworking, and honest man from back home and marry. It would work, I can guarantee it, as long as you give him chance to live with you without hurting his ego. 
 

Yes, do work on your career, and try only be dependent on Allah, and nobody else, and then take your marriage as an icing on the cake. 
 

well that is easier because their language is English and almost everyone knows English. In my country we dont speak English and I can't speak my mother tongue that well. 

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Guest anoni
5 hours ago, Mohammad313Ali said:

That is what I am referring to, as you can see assuming that everyone from back home will clash with you, due to their differing ideas is a preconceived notion.

This is toxic thinking, I see feminism has done well to poison your outlook towards men. 

How am I silencing you exactly, by telling you to reevaluate your thinking and prejudices? 

I'm everything but a feminist. 

5 hours ago, Mohammad313Ali said:

Sometimes what we want is inconsistent with what is right, right being that which Islam has ordained to be so. When you ask for advice you need to be ready for whatever comes your way, saying that I am a man so I cannot possibly conceptualize your plight as a woman is really echoing to me an insecurity to look at things from other perspectives and hold oneself accountable. I am not telling you what you want to hear, I am telling you what you need to hear.  

The only person who has done the shaming here is you, and for that I pray that Allah forgives you and illuminates your heart.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's not how things work. Women have certain rights over men and likewise men have rights over women, both are to work in union and both are subject to the Islamic laws which differentiate between them and the guidelines that are set to give men their specific rights over women and women their rights over men.

Your prejudices towards men are a product of feminism and your racism towards those who come from an indo/pak culture is a product of the liberal society you live in which has influenced your hatred towards such cultures through the writings/teachings of orientalists. 

Remember that your own bad personal experiences with men and people from that beautiful and dignified culture, do not mean that all men are out to get you, or everyone who is raised in such a culture holds 'backward views'.

What a sad mentality to have, I wonder if my name was feminine what would your response be then? would you consider reevaluating your racism, hatred, and internalised prejudices that stem from an insignificant portion of bad anecdotal experiences, or would you simply result to other means of playing the victim or displaying your hatred. I highly doubt you would even acquiesce to anything contrary to what you already have in mind. So really is it advice you seek, or just another person telling you what you want to hear so you can feel right? 

I'm sorry where did I shame anyone? Astagfirullah who are you to tell me that Allah needs to forgive me for this, that's a bit arrogant, dont you think? And I know women and men have certain rights over each other, but I will never become dependent on a man for money or other things, no thank you, I've seen how that works with other people. And for the second time, I'm not a feminist? Not being dependent on a man is a good thing, that has nothing to do with being a feminist.

How can I be racist towards my own kind, please tell me? I'm not racist, where did I ever deny someone because of their race??? I only said I don't want to marry from back home because there are a lot of differences, I never said I don't want them because they're south asian. I don't hate everything from their (my) culture, but yes some parts of it I do hate. 

Again, you're a man, you won't understand. And pleaseeeeeeee don't tell me girls are better of than boys in our culture? Please, don't lie to yourself like that. If a man loses his virginity before marriage, no biggy, but if a woman loses it the whole family is shamed. And there are more examples. 

Anyway, you're at this point just making things up to make me feel bad, I wonder if it's not you who had bad experiences and are now projecting your insecurities on me. Alhamdullilah I don't have any experience, I simply sit and observe what happened/happens to other women. The only thing I ever said was that I don't want to marry from back home because I've been raised differently than them and it would simply clash, even if they're the nicest person alive. I really think that I'm arguing with a 15 year old who just doesn't get what I'm saying. 

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Guest anoni
1 hour ago, ShiaofAli12 said:

Salam Sister,

I don't think the brother is trying to silence you, he is simply giving advice.

He is just trying to say not to completely abandon marrying people that are raised up somewhere else, you have the choice to marry whom you want but it isn't a problem marrying someone raised somewhere else. No one is trying to force anything on you.

no he's not giving me any advice, he's only shaming me because I know what I want. I'm sorry but I can't marry someone whom I don't share anything with. I don't share the same culture, I don't share the same inside jokes, I don't share the same struggles and I can't even speak my mother tongue properly. How do you think such a marriage will end? I'm just saving a lot of hurt and painful moments for both side, why would I want to marry someones son and not make them happy, I'm sorry can't do that to someone.

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Guest anoni
1 hour ago, Anisa Bandeh Khoda said:

hello darling sister,

 

I am so sorry for the struggles you're undergoing. My best advice to you is to remain patient. Do not worry about what your parents are doing, they are just being the loving and caring parents that they seem. Just be polite with them and let them know in a kind way that you're busy studying or working and you are not ready. 

Stay focused on your studies, you're still young. Sooner or later you will come across a shia family (man), and God willing find the one to settle down with. I am 25 and studying, we are all on a boat sailing to the same destination (grave) so we should be patient, humble, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) plans and His plans are the best. 

I do apologise if anyone misunderstood or said anything to hurt your feelings, you're going through a tough time at your age. I hope you find peace soon inshallah.

Allah knows best. 

I know and I love my parents. I'm glad they're not that strict, although they'd rather want someone from their homeland, I know they don't object if I marry someone from here, Alhamdullilah. My mum doesn't rush me or anything, she wants me to fully focus on studying but also wants to remind me of marriage. And thank you sister, I appreciate your words.

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Guest anoni
4 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

Have you considered checking on some of the online matrimonial websites if there are potential partners in or around your region? 

 

well i've once looked on shiamatch or something because I was curious but the men were way older

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22 minutes ago, Guest anoni said:

well i've once looked on shiamatch or something because I was curious but the men were way older

Ok maybe consider neighbouring countries as well. You might not find someone exactly in your region but possibly somewhere similar. 

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Just now, Mahdavist said:

Ok maybe consider neighbouring countries as well. You might not find someone exactly in your region but possibly somewhere similar. 

yeah i've looked but there are like 7 profiles in total and they're still 6+ years older

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2 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

no he's not giving me any advice, he's only shaming me because I know what I want. I'm sorry but I can't marry someone whom I don't share anything with. I don't share the same culture, I don't share the same inside jokes, I don't share the same struggles and I can't even speak my mother tongue properly. How do you think such a marriage will end? I'm just saving a lot of hurt and painful moments for both side, why would I want to marry someones son and not make them happy, I'm sorry can't do that to someone.

Regardless of what is happening, i think the Brother has your best interest at heart.

On 7/31/2020 at 8:53 AM, Guest anoni said:

Anyway, that’s not my biggest problem right now. The thing is I have no shias around me so how am I going to find a spouse here? There a lot of muslims living here but most of them are sunni. We dont have any shia mosques near us as well.

Anyways, as you have an idea of what you want, there is a few things I feel may help. I know you've said that you don't have many shia muslims around. If you have any shia friends you could get their suggestions about any possible choices, maybe you could go online and search for any shia orgranisation that's closest to you, what I mean is maybe not in your area but try to look outside of your area as far as you guys are willing. Then from there you could maybe start introducing yourself, maybe your mum could this if you don't feel comfortable, and get to know people there. There are couple of duas online that can help with you getting married, 

 this post has a few duas that may help,  "rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khairin faqeer", I heard this is pretty good, there is also a little story behind this with Prophet Musa (عليه السلام).

image.jpeg.efa4da03095ecdc7adc9a812fd718282.jpeg

If there is anything that concerns you, don't hesitate to ask.

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1 hour ago, ShiaofAli12 said:

Regardless of what is happening, i think the Brother has your best interest at heart.

The Brothers view is not quite correct if we dig deeper. No young person in the west wants to marry from back “home”. It’s common and reasonable.

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2 hours ago, THREE1THREE said:

The Brothers view is not quite correct if we dig deeper. No young person in the west wants to marry from back “home”. It’s common and reasonable.

Common, yes. Reasonable, not always. In the day and age of globalization, it is more important than ever to look at the individual rather than their cultural background. 

I understand the preference for someone from the same society. But to categorically write off everyone from abroad is not always wise. 

You will meet people in all places who don't necessarily match the stereotypes that people have of them.

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8 hours ago, ShiaofAli12 said:

Regardless of what is happening, i think the Brother has your best interest at heart.

Anyways, as you have an idea of what you want, there is a few things I feel may help. I know you've said that you don't have many shia muslims around. If you have any shia friends you could get their suggestions about any possible choices, maybe you could go online and search for any shia orgranisation that's closest to you, what I mean is maybe not in your area but try to look outside of your area as far as you guys are willing. Then from there you could maybe start introducing yourself, maybe your mum could this if you don't feel comfortable, and get to know people there. There are couple of duas online that can help with you getting married, 

 this post has a few duas that may help,  "rabbi inni lima anzalta ilayya min khairin faqeer", I heard this is pretty good, there is also a little story behind this with Prophet Musa (عليه السلام).

image.jpeg.efa4da03095ecdc7adc9a812fd718282.jpeg

If there is anything that concerns you, don't hesitate to ask.

thank you

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9 hours ago, THREE1THREE said:

The Brothers view is not quite correct if we dig deeper.

Which part?:

On 8/1/2020 at 12:52 AM, Mohammad313Ali said:

I would advise to not completely discount the idea of marrying someone back home or an individual of afghan/paki ethnicity respectively.

He simply suggested to not completely discount the idea.

Nobody is saying to prioritise marrying those people, go ahead and prioritise marrying people of whatever culture you identify with, but completely closing them off as options may not be good either. You may actually be doing yourself a disservice by limiting yourself like that.

13 hours ago, Guest anoni said:

I really think that I'm arguing with a 15 year old who just doesn't get what I'm saying. 

Do you not feel embarrassed writing this? 

Clearly you failed to grasp brother @Mohammad313Ali's well-articulated words. The brother was sincere and gave you well thought out and valuable advices. It's sad you were unable to appreciate them.

On 8/1/2020 at 4:28 AM, Guest anoni said:

I’d rather stay single the rest of my life than marry someone from there sorry.

On 8/1/2020 at 11:35 AM, Mohammad313Ali said:

I recommend working on this unhealthy thinking before looking for a spouse. 

I 100% agree with the above. Forget marrige, but such rock-lick rigidity and stubborness will not do you good in any domain of human experience.

This is what you call being "ziddi" in Urdu, mature up Sis. 

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Posted (edited)

I don't think there is necessarily an issue with someone from the west marrying someone from back home if that person is from a city and has some degree of education. Most of the issues that I have seen have been with people marrying their illiterate cousin from the village who has never been 10 miles from the spot where he was born.

Edited by Ali_Hussain
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