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In the Name of God بسم الله

Upbringing toddlers and kids psychology

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  • Advanced Member

AoA,

 my elder  daughter is 3 and half years Alhamdulillah. For past few days she has developed this illogical attitude of saying NO to everything. Weeping extensively and becoming too sensitive ,for instance if an aeroplane crosses above from the sky. She is unable to coup up against her younger sister who is hardly a year old  on matters like sitting on the same chair etc.
 Surprisingly, she shouts and rebukes back if told not to do something-starts weeping.
So neither can you shout nor teach her in a polite way which implies a hurdle to me in maintaining her emotional intelligence.

I am very concerned about her emotional intelligence and seek blessings from Allah and some worthy advice from the members. Important to mention here that i have allowed her watch cartoons like cocomelon etc which she recalls and mimic at times in a day. It will be difficult to completely abstain her from cartoons.

 Lastly, what mandatory qualities and skills do you believe a kid of this age must possess??

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Walaikum Assalam,

There are a couple books in al-islam.org that may help, although I haven't read them, they have been recommended before on ShiaChat, (I haven't actually read these books, so its probably best to wait for someone else's opinion as well), there are more books on the website.

https://www.al-islam.org/marriage-parenthood-heavenly-path (I've red a bit of this book)

https://www.al-islam.org/raising-children-tahera-kassamali

https://www.al-islam.org/articles/islamic-approach-pious-parenting-shaykh-saleem-bhimji

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What do you feed your children?

There is a lot of things that we are not supposed to give to our children to eat, yet do. That causes a lot of psychological problems in them. Like ADHD, concentration problem etc.

Just look at the many different artificial sweeteners there is in kids food. Then check the side effects of those ingredients.

I am just giving my view, I am not a health professional or a medical practionioner. But this is something that we in the muslim world lack of. We just eat without checking what we are eating, as long as it's not alcohol or pig meat.

Everything else is fine as long as no pig and no alcohol.......................................

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Guest doc!Monad

Her attitude is illogical to you, but not to her. Children are in the process of development and thus the objective is to educate one self in knowing how to deal with the presented situations.

John Medina - you can listen to his talks on youtube.

http://brainrules.net/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jd-rAm5Xvc

Also go to google and type "child behavior".

This is one source and you need many sources to create a complete picture.

9 hours ago, raza869 said:

Lastly, what mandatory qualities and skills do you believe a kid of this age must possess??

This is SC, where you will find the many who are single, students, young and the majority who will hardly be aquainted educated proffesionally in the scientic or any other field, where their income and time would allow sufficient time to give charity time. Yes, there are few who are, but what you seek requires consultation. I charge a million an day, because God blessed me with a good brain and my place in heaven is was saved before I was created, but let us all pretend this life is a test for all. Thanks.

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Hadith of an Imam (عليه السلام) on upbringing a child:

- Let the child be your chieftain until age 7. Let them be free and be patient with them.

- From 7 to 14 the child is your slave. Teach them manners and necessary things.

- From 14 to 21 the child is your friend. Teach them your trade.

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She says "no". It means that she wants to have some independence. You should teach her through your behaviour not by your words because as you said she mimics (this is what all little kids do. My 5 year old daughter also mimics the cartoons).

When she shouts, dont tell her "dont shout" instead you can ask her to lower her voice. Whenever she misbehaves, dont pay any attention to her and whenever she behaves well, pay a lot of attention to her (children love attention).

By the way, some times you can make her obey you through playing. This is what I often do. 

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On 6/17/2020 at 8:09 PM, raza869 said:

It will be difficult to completely abstain her from cartoons.

 Lastly, what mandatory qualities and skills do you believe a kid of this age must possess??

Dont let her watch cartoons more than 1 or 2 hours a day. It will have negative effects on her brain and mental abilities. Ignore her cries and patiently tell her that this is a rule and it is good for her health. 

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10 hours ago, shadow_of_light said:

She says "no". It means that she wants to have some independence. You should teach her through your behaviour not by your words because as you said she mimics (this is what all little kids do. My 5 year old daughter also mimics the cartoons).

When she shouts, dont tell her "dont shout" instead you can ask her to lower her voice. Whenever she misbehaves, dont pay any attention to her and whenever she behaves well, pay a lot of attention to her (children love attention).

By the way, some times you can make her obey you through playing. This is what I often do. 

Yes please. Probably the same kinda techniques needs to be implied by all the parents and i consider your advice as a kind reminder.
I consider grooming my kid to be  amongst the foremost responsibility. Thus i was suddenly taken aback and felt apprehensive why my kid was not behaving properly?So i applied this attention manoeuvring tactic and it is working.I have also told my spouse to be moderate with her and favor her when she is responsive but avoid her when she is otherwise.

 Regarding the last part of my question, is there a hadith enunciating clearly what qualities are prime for the kids to develope? For instance, Truthful, Brave, Skilled in mathematics and linguistics, Memorising Quran, Learning Hejab And Namaz, Physically athletic (for girls i am asking??) oratory and public speaking etc??? I am not trying to overburden my kid or becoming utopian.I impart her new vocab and skills to make her confident, skilful and compatible with contemporary era.But since every passing day is precious, what specific major qualities are quintessential for a Shia Muslim girl under 5 as may be elaborated by Masomeen (عليه السلام) and contemporary scholars???

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14 hours ago, raza869 said:

 

 Regarding the last part of my question, is there a hadith enunciating clearly what qualities are prime for the kids to develope? For instance, Truthful, Brave, Skilled in mathematics and linguistics, Memorising Quran, Learning Hejab And Namaz, Physically athletic (for girls i am asking??) oratory and public speaking etc??? I am not trying to overburden my kid or becoming utopian.I impart her new vocab and skills to make her confident, skilful and compatible with contemporary era.But since every passing day is precious, what specific major qualities are quintessential for a Shia Muslim girl under 5 as may be elaborated by Masomeen (عليه السلام) and contemporary scholars???

Narrations tell us to be kind to children, to give presents to our daughters, to respect them, to show them affection....

One narration says that nothing makes God more angry than infringing women and children's rights.

Some narrations say to keep our promises to ourchildren.

There is a narration which says: whoever has a child, he should behave like a child.

It means that our instructions a d the way we nurture a d teach our children must be based on playing.

This is because children are not able to analyze and think logically. They just think of playing and everything that gives them joy.

Their behaviours, deeds and decisions are based on their emotions.It is why they obey your orders more when you play with them.

For example, if you play the role of the character whom they love and meanwhile you ask them to do something, most likely they will obey you.

Try to use various techniques which make your child interested and even fascinated.

However, if she still rejects your demands, then dont insist anymore.

The more you insist and the more she rejects, the more she will learn to ignores your words and this is not good. For as much as it is necessary to be kind to children and empathize with them, it is also necessary to keep your dignity and not let your child learn to disrespect you.

So, sometimes, we should just let them whatever they want unless they hurt themselves or others (when we have to interfere); otherwise we should give them some independence. They need this independence for developing and gaining self-confidence.

By the way, is your daughter jealous of her sibling? You said that she is very sensitive and cries easily.

Well, almost every girl is sensitive (God created them so) but if you think that she has become more sensitive, this may be a sign of jealousy.

So show her more affection, spend more time with her, give her presents for her good behaviours and frequently remind her that you always love her even when you are angry with her (sometimes they think that we dont love them when we are angry or sad). You can easily absorb little kids by being kind to them!

One technique i use when my daughter doesnt do what I tell her is this:

For example, I ask her to bring something. She refuses and says that she is tired. I say "ok. I am the boss and you are the soldier".

I know that she loves to play the roles.

Then I tell her "you, soldier! Bring it. Hurry up! It is already late!".

And she interestedly brings it!

Another example:


I ask her to tidy up her toys.

She says "it is difficult. I will become tired".

I say "Oh! Thieves have attacked! They will steal your toys if they see them on the floor. I will help you....".

She shows interest and participate.

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  • Advanced Member
On 6/21/2020 at 7:46 AM, shadow_of_light said:

Imam Sadiq (a): A child should play for 7 years, learn to read and write for 7 years and learn Islamic rules for 7 years.

JazakAllah.Peace and salutations on Muhammad (عليه السلام) and his nobel progeny for guiding us in every aspect of life.

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