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ali_fatheroforphans

Marriage (must read!)

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I don't think there was anything very inappropriate about this video. If there is, I can delete it. 

I will not be able to explain it but I think that most ordinary regular women only want a relationship like Jim and Pam. I understand that Jim is very good looking but most women also don't look like Pam and since they are constantly judged on their looks, you will be surprised to know how many women don't care about looks. In the long run, ambition and looks don't matter. Respect, kindness and friendship, the kind of relationship we see between Jim and Pam, that is what matters the most. 

When I was married, my ex-husband had all the problems you mentioned except for taking care of his looks. During 4 years of my marriage, not a single person pointed out any of those problems. Everyone, including all the women always thought he was perfect. I was the one who had defects and I needed to improve myself. So, I don't know which women you are talking about, who have all these high standards. 

I have seen many men, who focus on their looks and are very ambitious, but they are also very abusive and they have lots of affairs. Getting a lot of attention from women is not an excuse, if you are a cheater, you are worse than an ugly or a lazy man. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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@rkazmi33 looks/physical apppearance is definitely important.  It's no surprise why our Imams (عليه السلام) have told us to look good for our spouses. Btw I mean a lot of other things when it comes to physical appearance - personal hygiene, style etc.

Whether someone has a crappy personality and other deep personal issues, that's a different story.

 

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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1 hour ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Your addiction gives no crap about that, even as a 50 year old you'll have these perverted tendencies unless you seriously get yourself out of this mess right now.

Not disagreeing with you, but have ever been addicted yourself? Have ever you seen anyone struggle with this? If not, I don't really know what to say, except  that an addiction is serious business and one cannot simply get out of this mess. They need help, not shame 

May Allah guide those who are struggling with addiction.

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On 6/3/2020 at 12:34 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

@AStruggler 

I'm sure you have many points to add. 

I think you've made good points brother.

However, while I agree with your points, I think it's important to not over-complicate things as well...

One of the greatest fruits of marriage is the growth that partners experience together. Also, Islam encourages early marriage. I agree that one should be mature before entering marriage. However, I don't think it's necessary to be superrrr mature and financially established before marriage either. I don't think it's necessary for one to be that full-fledged mature "perfect gentleman" before marriage. If one understands what his priorities should be in life (based on objectivity) and works towards these priorities, and isn't a careless, foolish, and childish individual, then I'd say he's more or less ready in this regard. I'd say if someone is a God-centric person and is responsible and self-regulated enough to travel by air on their own, then I think it's likely that he's mature and mentally ready enough for marriage.

As for finances, if one can acquire enough funds to decently support himself and his wife, whether through his career directly, his developing career, from parental/community support, or other means, then that should suffice to enter into a marriage. If society requires all men to be balling before entering marriage then more people will be doing late marriages or not getting married at all, and this will result in bigger problems. If we can live at a decent comfort level then iA it shouldn't be a problem. If I recall correctly, as per hadith, one shouldn't turn away from marriage due to the fear of not being able to support a family as that is like equivalent to us thinking ill of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Allah promises us rizq iA. 

Lastly, your point about the masterbation addiction and marriage, I think this is a little debatable. I think it can go both ways. First of all, we should do our best to not get into such an addiction in the first place, and more importantly, parents should do their best to monitor their childrens' environment so that it is free of potential sexual perversions. Also, unlike what some Westerners may say, it's important for parents to talk to their children about everything pertaining sexuality so that the child is strong and educated enough to keep safe from such perversions. However, if one is really struggling with their sexual desires, then marriage certainly can be a solution. One of the main reasons why we're encouraged to get married early is so that we fulfill our sexual desires, and in a halal way. In fact, in our fiqh, if one is committing haram because of his uncontrolled sexual desires, then it becomes wajib for him to get married. While I think marriage can be a solution for stormy sexual desires, I do acknowledge that it may not always be the solution. I have heard of some cases where people faced masterbation issues even after getting married, however, I think these cases are less common and only happen if the addiction is extreme and if the person is someone who indulges in pornography and masterbation together and that too at a very very high frequency. That is why, I think preventative care in this regard is extremely important so such a dangerous addiction doesn't occur in the first place! But on general and more milder level, I wouldn't eliminate marriage as a solution for stormy sexual desires lol. 

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When I was a budding marriage seeker I first read this book, and honestly I think that it has some good points worth remembering till today. Men and women do differ quite drastically in the ways they deal and cope with situations. Men, for instance like to withdraw into their "caves", while women need to talk it out. That's why my advice to all women is to let men remain in their caves for as long as they like, because their elastic band will make they come right back to you. And try your best not to interrupt it, as the more freedom you give them to be quiet and with themselves mentally at least, the faster they will come back to you! I know this is easier said than done, but here is the book cover. Maybe give it a read:

1289668150_51MPsmHQ5aL._SX326_BO1204203200_-1.jpg.38d5868bf3cb07b932a4802dd2cf5592.jpg

 

Also, I have posted this video before, and I will keep posting it. This Rabbi really gave the best marriage speech I've ever seen. He really encouraged me to be less selfish, and to see my wife's needs as more important than my own, even if shaytan makes them appear as less significant and minor compared to my so important work :woot:

Marriage is in my opinion the most difficult, and yet most rewarding thing we can be part of in life. As they say: "happy wife, happy life". And that is if we are lucky enough to end up with a good wife. Those who aren't should pray that Allah replaces them with better ASAP, before they kill you.

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9 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

In the long run, ambition and looks don't matter.

I disagree. Beauty always matters, and a person who is pure and beautiful from inside will always become more and more beautiful with age, regardless of genes that they inherited. The same goes the other way round. That's why we have some movie stars who became really ugly and didn't age well, while other ones seem to get better looking until they basically die.

Looks is mostly an attitude and how one carries oneself. It is mostly a vibe and 'aura'. It is something that can be seen with the heart and maybe the higher self via the pineal gland or something. 

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11 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Marriage is not a solution to your masturbation addiction

If a married person commits sexual sin, his punishment is double that of an unmarried person. 

Now, when it is said that marriage protects one from sinning, ofcourse it is correct. But the other aspect is that if for some reason the married man is unable to get that protection from marriage, his marriage does not help him in avoiding sin (for any reason), then could he end up being in a worse state than he was before being married. 

A person masturbates before marriage - he might be able to give an excuse to Allah. But after marriage, if he still faces the same degree of difficulty in controlling masturbation and still has to fight against his nafs which compels him to sin, still has to suppress his sexual urge, still has to battle with himself to prevent masturbation from taking place....then if he fails at some point...his punishment could be double. 

So....getting married is a very critical matter in terms of masturbation. If one is able to limit his sexual desire to his wife only and resist the urge to masturbate for the rest of the life..then there are great rewards. But if someone is unable to battle with himself to prevent masturbation after marriage, then only Allah knows whether He will end up getting punished double it after marriage than he was before marriage. Shaitan does not give up easily and a man's own evil nafs continues to pull him towards sin to the point that being chaste after getting married does not remain a simple target to achieve. It is always a continuous Jihad. 

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Just my 2 cents, don’t enter a relationship if you don’t plan on ever having kids, 1. No birth control is 100% 2. Many girls want kids for God knows what reason so finding the “right” gets a lot harder 3. You don’t want to have a burden in your life if an oppsy happens 4. If somehow you get lucky and find a girl that cannot get pregnant, make sure it’s permanent not temporary. 

As for your comment on Masterbation, the reasons why men aren’t satisfied is because 1. Kids, 2. The sex is not frequent enough to keep them satisfied, or both couples are not showing their “freaky” side thus they get disappointed and feel the need to masterbate to feel a little more satisfied although they are still disappointed. 

My advice on that part don’t get married to a person who wants kids, your life doesn’t revolve around kids nor does God expect you to have kids, but rather He created you to worship Him. And try to find a solution that will eventually get rid of that addiction since you can’t find the one in this case, try not to have unrealistic expectations rather it’s a journey to get rid of such a addiction it’s no different to smoking. 

I partially agree with you on that subject. 

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2 hours ago, Allah Seeker said:

When I was a budding marriage seeker I first read this book,

This reminds me of a book l got when a teenager, entitled How to Avoid Marriage.

l still have it somewhere. 

What my one aunt thought was so funny is that l kept it on the small shelf next to my Bible.

l have to re-read this. lt must be 40 years since l last did.

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3 hours ago, Allah Seeker said:

I disagree. Beauty always matters, and a person who is pure and beautiful from inside will always become more and more beautiful with age, regardless of genes that they inherited. The same goes the other way round. That's why we have some movie stars who became really ugly and didn't age well, while other ones seem to get better looking until they basically die.

Looks is mostly an attitude and how one carries oneself. It is mostly a vibe and 'aura'. It is something that can be seen with the heart and maybe the higher self via the pineal gland or something. 

Well science says that you are more likely to get grey hair and wrinkles if you experience grief and stress. You are also more likely to look good if you are happy more. And being more happy doesn't mean you are a good person. It may mean you are insensitive, you don't care, you have more relationships, and you experience the HAPPY, honeymoon phase of love several times in your life. Looking old also means you don't get the chance to take your frustrations out on other people, so you resort to comfort eating and gain weight. You also don't have the money and resources to afford hundreds of beauty treatments available to make you look good. 

My personal experience says cruel and evil people look good while sensitive and modest people ( specifically people who have less affairs) end up looking miserable and less attractive. A person, who is HAPPY from inside may look beautiful from outside but there's no correlation between beauty from inside and beauty from outside. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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On 6/3/2020 at 1:41 AM, AStruggler said:

however, I think these cases are less common and only happen if the addiction is extreme and if the person is someone who indulges in pornography and masterbation together and that too at a very very high frequency.

Hmm it's hard to truly know because many married men who are suffering from this addiction won't seek help - maybe they have an ego issue or feel it will fade away on its own or are just ashamed. I used to think this way too, but now experts (even Muslims who specialise in this field of addiction), do admit that many married men are reaching out. There is this stigma so it makes it very difficult, and it's possible that the figures will be higher than what we estimate. God knows lol.

The statistics are even shocking when it comes to pornography use - over billions of hours spent on one website in a year  - according to one research.

Also, the thing is that people who occasionally indulge in such behaviour are still addicted compared to men who frequently use it. There are some cases (I don't think it's common if someone has been exposed to this behaviour for a long period of time) where men aren't into it and don't need it in their lives. Therefore, an addiction, regardless of its intensity will always be there. Only if someone knows for sure that they won't indulge in such behaviour and feel no desire to - that's when they aren't addicted. 

On 6/3/2020 at 1:41 AM, AStruggler said:

But on general and more milder level, I wouldn't eliminate marriage as a solution for stormy sexual desires lol. 

I completely agree with you! Sexual desires are healthy and marriage is the solution for them. 

However, the issue is that sexual desires aren't the same as the urge to masturbate or indulge in some compulsive disgusting behaviour. One is an addiction - like someone who smokes weed, whereas the other is a natural desire for intimacy and a real human experience, which all our ancestors wanted.

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4 hours ago, Allah Seeker said:

I think in 99% of the cases your parents will lose hope in the relationship if you start with that :D

Yeah parents just hate it when they're kids approach them like that. It's like their kids just want them to set a marriage date, and boom... all done.

Parents want to be a part of this spouse hunting game lol.

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6 minutes ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Hmm it's hard to truly know because many married men who are suffering from this addiction

Actually I would go as far as say that married men have it even harder to not masturbate. The reason is that the sex drive is like a machine. When we are not married, it is possible to somehow turn off this drive all-together, and break that link of mind and sexual organs. I have lived like that for a long time and managed to have basically no more physical urge - reaction thing going on. 
 

But as a married man, we end up using this part of our bodies, and activating them. Usually once or twice will make our bodies want more the next day, or the coming days. And in those days our wives might not be available or in sync with our bodily needs. The sexual energy rises again and needs an outlet. Now it gets even harder than ever to control it or somehow find another way of expressing this pressure cooker of energy in halal ways. The easy way out is to help ourselves, but this is not the good way. 

Basically, married men have this part of their bodies activated, while non-married men can have the luxury of living like monks, where they simply have to spend around 40 days without using it, and it will become very easy after that. Even if we have sexual fantasies, it won't actually find a direct link to lower parts of our bodies, like they do with married men. So being married makes it even harder and even more challenging in the jihad al nafs / jihad of the self department, in my opinion.

Another proof for this is that married men have stronger sexual energy than unmarried men. And with great power comes great responsibility. It is not for nothing that married men have their duas answered something like 40 times more than men who aren't married. Being married is a big deal for faith if played right.

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8 minutes ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Yeah parents just hate it when they're kids approach them like that. It's like their kids just want them to set a marriage date, and boom... all done.

Parents want to be a part of this spouse hunting game lol.

this is the one most important decision we take in life, so we best take it sober, objective and not clouded by emotions. It should be as rational as possible and weighing all the pros and cons. This is what our parents instinctively know. If you come to your parents "in love", they most likely wont take you very serious, and will just hope that you wont make a revolution for love or something.

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53 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

Well science says that you are more likely to get grey hair and wrinkles if you experience grief and stress. You are also more likely to look good if you are happy more. And being more happy doesn't mean you are a good person. It may mean you are insensitive, you don't care, you have more relationships, and you experience the HAPPY, honeymoon phase of love several times in your life. Looking old also means you don't get the chance to take your frustrations out on other people, so you resort to comfort eating and gain weight. You also don't have the money and resources to afford hundreds of beauty treatments available to make you look good. 

My personal experience says cruel and evil people look good while sensitive and modest people ( specifically people who have less affairs) end up looking miserable and less attractive. A person, who is HAPPY from inside may look beautiful from outside but there's no correlation between beauty from inside and beauty from outside. 

They look good in a plastic way from outside. Give them a hug and you will realize how repulsive they are. There is a good term for this: "Attractive", or "Radiant". Wrinkles, if grown from smiles can be beautiful. White hair can be a sign of honor. Good people smell good, and feel good and look good. They have "sexy" body language, and are tender and gentle to the ones they love, while they are very firm with people they don't. Good people are usually either very manly or feminine, as men or women. 

The people can pay as much as they like on plastic surgery, or spas or health massage, but the light in their face wont be there. But poor people often have this glow and grace to them that the rich people envy. That's why they don't feel guilty for not sharing their wealth with the needy. 

And I would say that suffering makes us more beautiful. Nobody suffered more than ahl bayt, and look at them! They are the epitome of beauty. Allah loves the heart broken and abused and oppressed, and uses this suffering to clean their souls. It was imam Ali (عليه السلام) who said that if people knew the benefit of suffering, they would cut themselves with scissors. Jesus also suffered more than you, and at some points in his life didn't even have shoes, or a roof over his head. But everyone knows that he is very beautiful and radiant. The same can be said of Sayidna Joseph who was enslaved and sold by his brothers for some silver, and thrown into jail and slandered. I think he suffered more than all of us too! But I think that all those experiences, if channeled to God, make us more beautiful. 

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2 hours ago, Allah Seeker said:

I would go as far as say that married men have it even harder to not masturbate.

Perhaps this is why a married man who does not commit sexual sins may get greater reward for his struggles to remain chaste than an unmarried person. A married man has experienced what sexual satisfaction is like. Now when for some reason that satisfaction becomes unavailable, for example if the couple has to be physically away from each other for months or years, then it becomes much more difficult and an extreme test of sexual patience. That's why a married man who is chaste gets much more reward than unmarried because although he can get sexual satisfaction, he may also have to face tremendous degree of self-control, self restraint and often may be forced by circumstances to live like a life of celibacy despite being married. 

Being married does not mean absolutely free access to sexual fulfillment with the spouse whenever desired. For many couples, halal sex may be as unavailable to them as unmarried person because of a variety of reasons which the couple do not have any control over. If someone is married and can have sex with spouse whenever they wish, that is not something to be taken for granted because many individuals will have no access or chance or option to be intimate despite being married. When such couples remain chaste and lead a sexually deprived life inspire of being married, it is not ideal , but their reward will be with Allah. If we look at our imams, many of them were forced into prisons for years and there they were tested by their enemies to see if they would give in to their desires - but their chastity was infallible. Married people who have to remain sexually deprived should take lesson from the lives of these imams who showed that if circumstances force you to become celibate despite being married...then become celibate but do not sin. 

Edited by Azadar-e-Ali

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https://www.sistani.org/english/archive/25240/ 

Advice from His Eminence,Sayyid Ali al-Sistani (may the Almighty prolong his life) to the Believing Youth

Fifth: Try to start a family by getting married and procreating without any delay. Having a family is a source of pleasure and affability, a motive for hard work, a cause for sobriety and being responsible, an investment of energy for the future, and a defense against forbidden and lowly deeds. It has been narrated that one who gets married has attained half of his religion. Foremost, marriage is a necessary course of life and a natural human instinct. Those who abandon it fall into trouble and are inflicted with dullness and laziness. Do not be afraid of being impoverished by marriage, because God, the Glorified, has put many causes of abundance in marriage that one may not be aware of at first. Also, pay attention to the character of the woman you want to marry, and to her piety and discipline, and do not be occupied with evaluating her beauty, her appearance, and her job, because those traits are a veil that may be removed when life reveals its hardships. There are warnings in the Hadith against marrying a woman merely for her looks. Moreover, one who marries a woman for her piety and character will have a blessed marriage.

Let young unmarried women and their guardians not favor getting a job over starting a family, because marriage is a necessary course of life, while a job is more of a complement to it. It is not wise to abandon the former for the sake of the latter. Those who do not understand this principle will regret it later in life when regret is of no use. Life’s experiences attest to this.

Guardians are not permitted to prevent their daughters from getting married, nor are they permitted to put obstacles in their way using improper traditions not required by God, such as asking for exorbitant dowers or waiting for cousins and sayyids, because there are many sources of corruption in these traditions. God made fathers the custodians of their daughters only so that they counsel their daughters and choose the best option for them. One who confines a woman for other than her interest has committed a sin that endures as long as her suffering, and has opened one of Hell’s doors upon himself.

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