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In the Name of God بسم الله

Why do women settle?

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I see so many women settling. I want to hear other peoples' thoughts about this. I got married to a man who was more physically attractive than me but he was less in status and also intelligence. In order to deal with his own insecurities, he constantly critisized me and damaged my self esteem. So the tv image of husband, who listens to you when you yell at him or becomes a yes man, is not true at all. I also do not have the desire to feel needed. In fact, I am very similar to man-child. I am childish, and I constantly get punished for my childish behavior. I had to grow up a lot in recent years. Therefore, when I see people who are allowed to act childish or entitled, I don't find it cute or funny. I feel resentment for such people, and like other women, I will never be able to act like a mother for an adult man. 

Edited by rkazmi33
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2 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

When women decide to marry someone they don't see as the best match. They are not happy about marrying and spending so much time around that person. 

"the best match"  There aren't a lot of billionaires to go around, you know?

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9 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

I see so many women settling. I want to hear other peoples' thoughts about this.

Salam any way this video made based on westerner hollywood doctrine that feminist capable women jailed by unqualified stupid childish men just because their sexual need & needing a dream family. 

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The video talked a lot about ambition. I don't think it's about ambition. It's more about moral values. Pressuring someone to get married and then getting them pregnant so that they are stuck with you for life is deceiving. I just heard a lecture from resident aalim about how shias are supposed to be best and people shouldn't ask for zakat (great timing for this lecture when so many people are laid off and looking for financial help). When you ask for help, you only ask one or two times, but when you marry someone, who is out of your league, it's like you are asking for help for the next 30 years. The same aalims who dislike poor people, they are the ones pressurizing women to get married to poor men or to bring men from back home to give them a better life. 

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8 hours ago, hasanhh said:

"the best match"  There aren't a lot of billionaires to go around, you know?

I've never seen a billionaire that I would consider marrying. Yuck. 

Not even most millionaires, though there are a few millionaires who do worthwhile work and are pretty to look at. Wealth causes narcissism - I prefer a working man. 

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8 hours ago, guest 2025 said:

Women settle, men take what they can get

Interestingly, women tend to be happier and healthier when alone than when in a bad marriage but men are healthier and happier when married, no matter whether the marriage is good or bad. 

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Happy. There's the problem. That word. No one is happy their whole life. Content? Yes. Lots of happy moments together? Absolutely. But a "happy" life/relationship is a weird thing to wish for. You wouldn't want to be happy everyday of your life, right? Fruitful, content, satisfied, fullfilling that's what we should strive for, especially in a relationship.

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On 5/17/2020 at 4:14 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

God no!  

It is true. Men are able to feel happy with any kind of woman. For them, other things are more important than emotional connection and compatibility. Men can only be unhappy with a woman who is bad at house work or taking care of kids. In those marriages, society acts very fast and either marriage ends or other woman are available to help with house work and child care. 

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6 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

It is true. Men are able to feel happy with any kind of woman. For them, other things are more important than emotional connection and compatibility. Men can only be unhappy with a woman who is bad at house work or taking care of kids. In those marriages, society acts very fast and either marriage ends or other woman are available to help with house work and child care. 

This is not true at all except men who have no goals in life. You might be referring to men who plan to eat, sleep, work, watch netflix... those who have no vision in life.

Some men are very driven and have big goals in life! Then the last thing they'd want is a wife who is incompatible and not as driven. Like if a man plans to serve Ahlulbayt (عليه السلام) his entire life then he'd prefer a wife who has a similar mindset and is as serious about this path. 

Emotional connection is definitely important because it increases intimacy and I'd imagine guys would want that. Only some guy who plans to do mut'ah with 50 other girls wouldn't care about emotional connection. 

But yeah taking care of kids is definitely important and although it is the responsibility of both parents, women have a special role in nurturing their kids. This is so important because I would want my future wife to be a role model for my kids and raise kids who'll make impact in society.

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On 5/2/2020 at 6:54 AM, hasanhh said:

"the best match"  There aren't a lot of billionaires to go around, you know?

Why would a billionaire be "the best match" ? That is just something that will cater to the materialistic side of a person.

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On 5/1/2020 at 2:01 PM, rkazmi33 said:

So the tv image of husband, who listens to you when you yell at him or becomes a yes man, i

 

On 5/1/2020 at 2:01 PM, rkazmi33 said:

So the tv image of husband, who listens to you when you yell at him or becomes a yes man, is not true at all.

 

You should self reflect. Introspection.

A married woman’s role is not field general.

Perhaps your view of roles is out of line. 

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On 5/2/2020 at 6:26 AM, rkazmi33 said:

The same aalims who dislike poor people, they are the ones pressurizing women to get married to poor men

There is a part of the Quran that talks about the Most Merciful choosing a king for the people because the people wanted a king. The chosen person was poor. The people complained.

In Islam marriage is a recommended cure to many problems including poverty. 

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On 6/14/2020 at 11:25 PM, Elifgu said:

There is a part of the Quran that talks about the Most Merciful choosing a king for the people because the people wanted a king. The chosen person was poor. The people complained.

In Islam marriage is a recommended cure to many problems including poverty. 

That's very silly to assume that all poor people can become rich by getting married. No one believes that. And if you have kids, it will for sure increase your poverty. Have you heard that trust Allah but lock your car? When we tell women to get married to poor men, we are telling them trust Allah and don't worry about locking your car. 

Also, it's very hypocritical of alims: you don't like someone as your friend or as a member of your mosque but you are asking a woman to make that man her leader and life partner? Are those aalims willing to marry poor women? Why do they ask women to do something when they are not doing it themselves? 

Edited by rkazmi33
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I don't know what exactly is meant by 'settling' here, but I do think women (and their parents) need to think very careful about getting married to someone who may have reasons to feel insecure in the marriage. Most men are quite insecure, and can often find it difficult to deal with a wife who is more intelligent, more educated, who earns more, or who comes from a richer/higher status family. For this reason, it's probably best for women to marry someone of similar status to them, or a higher status. Or at least, there should be some trade offs. So for example, the woman might be a doctor who earns more than her husband, but he has a PhD, giving him the advantage in terms of education (although for some men income is the be all and end all). Alternatively, you would need to be very sure about the man's character, to make sure he doesn't suffer from these moral failings. It's very difficult since women aren't perfect either, and will often use these areas of superiority as a weapon in arguments, which makes the man feel completely emasculated. So between two extremely pious people it shouldn't matter much, but otherwise can be a recipe for disaster. Let's not forget the example of Zayd ibn Haritha and Zainab bint Jahsh, where Zayd was a former slave and Zainab was a member of the Banu Hashim. The Prophet ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)) himself arranged the marriage, but it didn't go well, despite them both being very pious. It's all very well being idealistic, but you have to be practical as well.

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15 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

That's very silly to assume that all poor people can become rich by getting married. No one believes that. And if you have kids, it will for sure increase your poverty. Have you heard that trust Allah but lock your car? When we tell women to get married to poor men, we are telling them trust Allah and don't worry about locking your car. 

Also, it's very hypocritical of alims: you don't like someone as your friend or as a member of your mosque but you are asking a woman to make that man her leader and life partner? Are those aalims willing to marry poor women? Why do they ask women to do something when they are not doing it themselves? 

Feel free to go against the religion. There is no compulsion. 
 

Perhaps you would be one of those complaining about the chosen king being poor if you lived back then. 
 

The research is rather clear: men marry down or across their own economic status. It’s women who marry up or across. Men will approach the poorest of women to marry. 

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1 hour ago, Elifgu said:

Feel free to go against the religion. There is no compulsion. 

she isnt going against the religion, don't make things up. Her complaint is similiary explained by HH in his post. The concept is the same. Yours is the same too.

Remember, many bachelors/splinsters here live in the west and that stops them from getting married. Due to limitation of choice. If they lived in a country sorrounded by muslim females their choice would larger thus the opportunity would be extent.

 

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5 hours ago, Elifgu said:


 

Perhaps you would be one of those complaining about the chosen king being poor if you lived back then. 
 

The research is rather clear: men marry down or across their own economic status. It’s women who marry up or across. Men will approach the poorest of women to marry. 

How can you compare Allah choosing a king with me choosing a spouse. If I or my parents choose a spouse for me, does that mean that spouse has become a prophet or king sent by God? I see a husband as a life partner, I will never be able to see him as someone chosen by God whom I must obey. 

Men marry poor women because they care about beauty. A man will be happy with a woman if she is pretty or good at house work. I cannot be happy just looking at the beauty of a man. I have felt so powerless and have been himiliated so much, that power and money have become attractive to me. I have also been taunted by my enemy that I don't deserve a good man in my life. That's why if I decide to settle for any option available, it will be like accepting defeat. 

I am almost 38 years old. If I was living in Pakistan, people would accept me as an old spinster and no one would bother me about marriage. But now men constantly tell me to settle and stop waiting for Prince charming. I am sure all those men have 40 year old cousins in their own cities and families, but they are not willing to SETTLE with them. 

Edited by rkazmi33
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