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In the Name of God بسم الله

What happened..?

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Abdul-Hadi

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It's been well over a year since I last posted here. In that time a lot has happened, but I'm now closer to Islam than ever before, because my life fell apart and religion is now one of the only things I have to cling to for comfort.

I've had a taste of the experience of so many Muslims in America (and I am not Muslim), and it broke me in half as a person, completely changing my life and what I thought about myself, who I was, what the point of my life was, etc etc et al.

Whatever you've heard about me in the media is an absolute bald faced lie, I can promise you that.

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3 hours ago, habib e najjaar said:

I have heard absolutely nothing in the news about GD41586. Unless ofcourse you also go by the name COVID19.

Good, then that's just local media in my corner of America.

remember that I am suffering from an MI, so I tend to see things as being much more severe and worse than they really are.

Inshallah, I will be guided through this process and the LORD will vindicate me in front of my accusers and they will see that I am just a confused autistic man that wanted to protect the innocent & was traumatized by a Chinese origin virus on top of the Chinese Communist Party prosecuting what is basically a soft genocide against their Muslim population, and in my own mind, as someone who has always been attracted to Islam in addition to the "idealized values of America" that were banged into my head...

I broke down. It broke me. They are accusing me of being a DT based on the fact that I was all ready to go rescue undocumented children and others who were being trafficked for vile and disgusting reasons by an international criminal cabal that probably doesn't really exist.

Make supplications for me please. I need them. I am a very ill man.

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4 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

I don't know why being autistic has become such a curse.

Because it's different when you didn't know that you were a part of that diagnosis until you were 30, so I haven't had years to work through this or make sense of it.

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6 hours ago, GD41586 said:

Because it's different when you didn't know that you were a part of that diagnosis until you were 30, so I haven't had years to work through this or make sense of it.

How did you get a diagnosis? Did you go to your family doctor? I am asking because I was never diagnosed but I am pretty sure I am autistic. Now I am thinking about getting a diagnosis. There is an organization in chicago which gives training for jobs to autistic people and there is even a living facility. I have seen some very kind people among non-muslims. You might find that people with training to deal with autistic people are more understanding. 

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16 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

How did you get a diagnosis? Did you go to your family doctor? I am asking because I was never diagnosed but I am pretty sure I am autistic. Now I am thinking about getting a diagnosis. There is an organization in chicago which gives training for jobs to autistic people and there is even a living facility. I have seen some very kind people among non-muslims. You might find that people with training to deal with autistic people are more understanding. 

I don't have a family doctor, so I went to a mental & behavioral health doctor when I was 29/30 and was assessed + diagnosed as ASD. That accounts somewhat for my other MI (bipolar depression, OCD, and periodic bouts of psychosis such as the one I recently experienced).

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To everyone who has reacted to this post with "my prayers"...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I was able to speak to a doctor through telemed the other day (blasted COVID19!) & she has decided to start me on another medicine and taper me off of the one that caused the terrible crisis of the past four months. She wants to try Prozac:( as my morning medicine & I'm actually somewhat afraid to give that a shot because of the people I know and their experiences with Prozac, in addition to the fact that the drug I was prescribed made me manic, paranoid, and created a lot of feelings of hopelessness and despair.

I didn't choose this life, but I refuse to curse God for it. He created me with a mental health challenge for a reason & I'm going to trust that he has a greater purpose in mind for me with all of this-- be that as it may. He's the only reason that I'm not lying in the woods covered with maggots & I'm here typing out my inner thoughts to a group of people I've never met as I navigate what is the absolute darkest point in my life & seek the way in which I should proceed now that I am no longer in jail, and am able to (theoretically) be among other human beings who I could befriend & may very well enrich my life and vice versa. When you go through a major crisis like I've been dealing with, it fundamentally changes you as a person and at 34, I was not expecting to have to reevaluate my entire life & identity.

 

so again, thank you all.

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On 4/30/2020 at 7:32 AM, GD41586 said:

I didn't choose this life, but I refuse to curse God for it. He created me with a mental health challenge for a reason & I'm going to trust that he has a greater purpose in mind for me with all of this-- be that as it may. He's the only reason that I'm not lying in the woods covered with maggots & I'm here typing out my inner thoughts to a group of people I've never met as I navigate what is the absolute darkest point in my life & seek the way in which I should proceed now that I am no longer in jail, and am able to (theoretically) be among other human beings who I could befriend & may very well enrich my life and vice versa. When you go through a major crisis like I've been dealing with, it fundamentally changes you as a person and at 34, I was not expecting to have to reevaluate my entire life & identity.

Mental problems is norm in these times because we are in toughest time where we see and hear many fake, violent  and crazy news which harms our brain. You should in first place remove all these fake and violent things out of your life. Your soul didn't accept those things that's why you had tough time. But Insha-Allah you will get stronger than ever before. 

Help yourself bro.:)

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4 hours ago, Flying_Eagle said:

Mental problems is norm in these times because we are in toughest time where we see and hear many fake, violent  and crazy news which harms our brain. You should in first place remove all these fake and violent things out of your life. Your soul didn't accept those things that's why you had tough time. But Insha-Allah you will get stronger than ever before. 

Help yourself bro.:)

I've been extremely stressed about COVID19, it cost me my job, delayed my graduation from HVAC school (Gonna try to make a career of keeping people cool/warm as need be), and then shortly after that started I had the bad reaction to the meds and was rushed in & chained up, with the prosecutor trying to say that I am a "domestic" you-know-what when I didn't even do anything besides use some very harsh language about a couple of child-predators on the other side of the country. In the mind of a paranoid person, this is essentially a confirmation of everything they believed regarding the rise of authoritarian fascism in America. What happened in November of 2016 has terrified me beyond belief because I had always suspected that American elections were rigged, but what happened to Bernie Sanders then (and now again in 2020) was the confirmation that I've been living in the exact opposite of a "free country" & my naivety was preventing me from recognizing it since 9/11/2001 (when it kicked into high gear)

[TRIGGER WARNING: SELF HARM, HOPELESSNESS, SUICIDAL IDEATION]

 

 



I'm obviously out now, but my actual case is still pending (not going to trial, hopefully getting Mental Health court diversionary program). I feel like God let this happen because I was living in sin & was getting too comfortable playing at the whole "stepdad & husband" thing despite my relationship having essentially fallen apart last July and us just going through the motions for the boy's sake since then. I had purchased something that I knew was a bad idea for a person suffering through Mental Illness to have, and I was planning on using it on myself when it was finally "over" and I had to move back in with my mother (was going to make it look like an accident when I was cleaning it), because I simply could not bear the shame of having to retreat back to my mother's house with my tail between my legs. I realize now that had I made that final decision, that there would be no taking it back and the family (blood & non, I don't separate "friends" from that equation) I do have would have been beyond devastated at my selfish attempt to escape the pain of being human. The police confiscated it and filed an injunction so that I cannot get another one for a year, but now I see why I never should have bought it to begin with: I cannot be trusted not to hurt myself when times get hard.

Then there are the few Muslims I know, namely the younger Palestinian coworker (who is always trying to introduce me to her father & brother) who told me very matter of factly: "Why are you ashamed of having to move back in with your sixty year old mother!? She's single and will not remarry, she already fell once! It's a terrible thing to have to move out of your parent's house, you need to see this as a blessing because your mom won't always be with you & Allah favors those who guard their mother, so if anything, He is giving you another opportunity to do the right thing". I understand this now, but when you've got an MI, you don't always see the world as it really is (I believed that Barack Obama & Hillary Clinton were part of a demoniac cult that were ritually abusing children, and that Google/the MSM were helping to cover it up). I got sucked into right-wing conspiracy theory cults on YouTube & Facebook (Real Alex Jones type ridiculousness) and I guess because I wanted to believe that I had special knowledge that others didn't have, I didn't step back and look at the ludicrous claims objectively.


I'm in the recovery process now, though. Looking forward to Houses of Worship reopening, I want to go to a Jummah again even though I don't know how to pray according to the rules of Islam.

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15 minutes ago, GD41586 said:

I'm in the recovery process now, though. Looking forward to Houses of Worship reopening, I want to go to a Jummah again even though I don't know how to pray according to the rules of Islam.

Bro, what I would tell you from my experience, in Quran, I read:"people in hell will say that our Lord give us another chance so that we be good to you and worship you truely". Then Allah (عزّ وجلّ) says: " you were give ample time which was sufficient to think and make up your character, now, there is no chance".

Leave conspiracy theories aside and make your surroundings comfortable for you. Give yourself a good clean life. About Obamas and Hillaries, you and I have no power over them, if we had, they would have been nowhere to be found. Leave them for God, just prevent bad people and bad thoughts entering in your vicinity. You are lion of your den, prove that to yourself. 

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