Cutting off ties?

[maryammmm]

Salaam, I have an inquiry about family ties and how it is forbidden to cut off your relatives. Firstly, according to the ruling of that it's forbidden to sever family ties--does this apply to my mahram relatives only? or does it also include my non-mahram relatives? 

My cousin(dad’s side) used to be very very close to me to the point that we did everything together. I loved her dearly and would do anything for her. A few years back she started to date my first cousin (Moms side) behind my back and constantly lied to me about it whenever I asked her if they were together. I asked her about 3 times and each time she lied to me and said he was like her brother and that there was nothing going on between them. Now, I was 100% certain that they were together and seeing each other because at one point she had asked me if I was interested in my own cousin as a way to make sure that it would be fine if she dated him. I had also seen many many message exchanges between them where they had talked about being together. Now, I would have never had any obligation with them being together and getting married since I loved her so much and I would have loved for her to be a part of my family, but the fact that she hid everything and lied to me hurt me very much.I just wanted her to tell me the truth because of how close we were. I really tried to get her to tell me what the truth was but she did not any of the times I asked her. I even went as far as emailing her -- explaining how I was feeling and that I felt betrayed because she used me and my home just to date my cousin. I told her that she was making me feel like she picked a guy over us.  She replied saying that someone was putting these thoughts into my head and that there is nothing going on between my cousin and her. She also said that everything that happened was her business. I completely understand that it was her business, but If she hadn’t lied to me and had just said I need time and I’ll tell you—I would’ve been fine with that. I felt extremely hurt and started to withdraw from her because it felt like she betrayed me and went behind my back to be with my cousin. Her and her sister both pretended that they did not know what I was talking about at all and started to also distance themselves. We were not as close after that incident and started to talk less. After that, I left for university abroad for several years and I still tried to keep in touch with her through email every few months --where I would ask her how is is and what was happening. She would reply to the email in short answers and answer whatever I asked but she never initiated any conversation. But, regardless I kept emailing her every few months just as a form of keeping in touch because despite everything I deeply loved and cared for her. I genuinely did try to put that incident behind us and whenever we saw each other at events we would converse in a very civil manner. 

I came back home for a few months for a wedding and saw her there and we made small talk and I thought that be would never be as close as we were but we could be civil with each other which I was alright with. I went back to University and a couple years later my parents told me that her and my cousin were getting married. I wasn't shocked since I knew they had been together all those years. They were doing someone that they had denied from the beginning. Even then, I was like okay what's happened has happened. But, there were many many rumors going around that my uncle came and spoke to my dad about (that my cousin who she was dating was spreading), about how my mother and I had tried to break up there relationship and tried to not get them married and apparently broke up their rishta the first time and were trying to do it the second time. We were shocked because I had been away for years at this point and all we knew was that they were together not that they were engaged at any point. We had not even thought about that let alone ever try to do anything like that-- I had ever only tried to ask her if she was lying. We were being falsely accused for something that we had never thought about doing. My father decided to go and talk to my cousins parents about the rumors and help clear my mother and my name. My cousins parents lied to my parents face and denied everything and that they had no idea that they’re kids were even together, even though at this point our community knew more that we did. They denied my cousin and her being together. They basically said that how are you guys being accused if my cousin and her had never been engaged. We were confused because both my cousins mothers had different stories. One saying that we broke up their engagement and they other saying she had no idea they were even together. We were heart broken because no matter what we did to clear our name it was not working. My parents had to leave without any success because everyone was lying.

The next day my cousin's mother called my other cousins mother and told her that my parents had come over wanting to clear our name. I'm not exactly sure what she told her because the next thing we know the girls mother calls my father screaming and yelling and accusing us of breaking them up once before and now trying to do the same time. We were stunned because we did not know that they were engaged once before. In order to break someone up, we would have to know that they were officially together. She recorded the whole conversation with my father (without telling him) and sent it to multiple people to listen to. She yelled and screamed so in turn my father said that they are all liars. The conversation ended and the wedding came around. The girls mother did not send us an invitation to the wedding out of spite, but we were invited through my cousin. My parents went to the wedding since I was not in the country, but the girl including her mother and siblings completely ignored my parents and did not even say Salaam. We were hurt since every one was lying and making it seem like it was all our fault. My cousin, his family, my dad's cousin and her family were all involved  and it was extremely hurtful.

Now, they are both married and have a child together. But, I'm curious to know if we have to uphold ties with them after being falsely accused and them ruining our reputation. They themselves don't want anything to do with us and we are so hurt that we don't want to either. They think they are right in what they have done. She still continues to do things to hurt still. She does not invite me to parties despite inviting the rest of my cousins which causes more hurt. I ask Allah to forgive them and me (for anything that I have done) but it is very hard and this has taken a big toll on me through the years and has severely affected my mental health. 

Both my parents are very pious people and they have never thought about ruining anything or hurting anyone. Whereas, Both of my cousins mothersare known in the community and family  for engaging in drama and talking behind peoples backs. I try to be a good person and want to do the right thing. I constantly feel guilty and keep thinking back to of I did something wrong. I am the type of person to self blames so this doesn’t make it easier. 

Please tell me if based on everything I have told you is it okay to not have any relation with them? Of course, I will continue to be civil and Say Salaam.

Thank you so much

 

[randomly curious]

Salaam 
Muhammad Bin Yahya, from Ahmad Bin Muhammad Bin Isa, from Ali Bin Al Numan, from Is’haq Bin Ammar 
who said, 
‘It reached me from Abu Abdullah(asws) that a man came over to the Prophet(saww) and he said, 
‘O Rasool-Allah(saww)! My family members refuse except to leap upon me and cut me off and 
accuse me. So, shall I reject them?’ He(saww) said: ‘Then Allah(azwj) would Reject you entirely’. 
He said, ‘So how shall I deal with it?’ He(saww) said: ‘Maintain good relationship with the one 
who cuts you off, and give to the one who deprives you, and excuse the one who oppresses 
you, for when you do that, there would be for you, from Allah(azwj), a Backing’.
From him, from Ali Bin Al Hakam, from Abdullah Bin Sinan who said, 
‘I said to Abu Abdullah(asws), ‘There is a cousin of mine I maintain kinship with, but he cuts me 
off, and I maintain kinship with him but he cuts me off, to the extent that I have thought 
that if he were to cut me off (again), I will cut him off. Do you(asws) permit me to cut him off?’ 
He(asws) said: ‘When you maintain it to him and he cuts you off, Allah(azwj) Mighty and Majestic 
Maintains it with both of you together, and if you cut him off and he cuts you off, Allah(azwj)
would Cut off both of you’.

And from him, from Al Hassan Bin Mahboub, from Amro Bin Abu Al Miqdam, from Jabir:

Abu Ja’far(asws)says that Rasool-Allah(saww) said: ‘I(saww) hereby bequeath the present ones of 
my(saww) community and the absent ones from them, and the ones in the backbones of the 
men and the wombs of the women up to the Day of Judgement that they should maintain 
goodly relationships with the relatives, and even if there was one from them upon a travel 
distance of a year, for that is from the Religion’.

From him, from Al Qasim Bin Yahya, from his grandfather Al Hassan Bin Rashid, from Abu Baseer, 
(It has been narrated) from Abu Abdullah(asws) having said: ‘Amir Al-Momineen(asws) said: 
‘Maintain your kinship even though it be with the greetings. Allah(azwj) Blessed and High is 
Saying 

[4:1]-and fear Allah, by Whom you are asking by Him and the kinship; surely Allah 
was Ever-Watchful over you’.

Muhammad Bin Yahya, from Ahmad Bin Muhammad, from Ibn Mahboub, from Is’haq Bin Ammar who said, 

‘I heard Abu Abdullah (عليه السلام) saying: ‘The maintenance of goodly relationship with the relatives, 
and the righteousness, would both east the Reckoning and would defend from the sins.
Therefore, maintain your relationships and be good with your brethren, and even though it 
be by the goodly greeting and response’.

https://www.hubeali.com/articles/SilaERehmi-RightsOfKinship.pdf

[naseemjoon]

Salaam Maryam,

I am so very sorry that you had to go through this situation. It sounds like it was very hurtful and that the hurt was continually dragged out over a long period of time. It seems like a very messy situation and that your cousin and friend (and their family) became false witnesses; this does not please God.

You cannot control them you can only control what you do. I think it is important for you to forgive them in your heart regardless of if they ever attempt reconciliation with you and your parents. However, I don't think that maintaining contact is healthy--especially if they themselves do not want it. 

I will pray for you and your family in this matter and that healing will occur.

[Gaius I. Caesar]

@maryammmm Go minimal contact, as long as it takes for you to heal. You don't have to be friends with them, but the hadiths are against cutting ties completely.  I'm terribly sorry that you are in pain.

[hasanhh]

@maryammmm To echo Gaius, keep them at arm's length -as said in the West.

[ShiaofAli12]

@maryammmm

Assalamu Alaikum,

I wanted to mention a little story from imam Musa al kazim, It may not entirely relate to what you were encountered with but the moral of the story may be helpful.

So Imam Musa al kazim had a nephew by the name of Ali bin Ismail, this nephew was encountered by this man named Yahya al barmaki, Yahya said that we will pay you a certain amount of money if you come from Medina to Baghdad if you spread rumours about Musa ibn Jafar (mind you that Ismail was Musa ibn Jafars brother but from a different mother). The narrations say that before Ali left, Imam Musa asked him where are you going. He replied, I'm going to Baghdad. Musa ibn Jafar asked why. Ali said he has debts to repay. Imam Musa said ill pay your debts, you don't need to go to Baghdad. Ali said he wanted to go, and asked him for a piece of advice. Imam Musa al kazim said don't be the cause of the bloodshed of me and my family. Imam gave him 300 dinars and Ali left. His companions asked why did you give him 300 dinars, don't you know what he's going to do. Imam said Rasulallah used to always say look after your relatives, if you look after relatvies, if your relatives do evil to you later that's Allah's concern not yours. You do good to your relatives what they do after, Allah will judge them. This Ali went to Harun al Rashid. Yahya al barmaki was sitting down, Harun asked what is it Ali, Ali says do you know this Musa ibn Jafar in Medina, he's collecting weapons and rising an army to kill you. Imam Musa didn't raise any army. Harun said oh people did u hear this, do you now allow me to put him in my prisons now, the people said yes. Ali bin Ismail asked for his envelope, he open the envelope and there was 200 dinars, Imam Musa gave him 300, When he realised he choked and died at that moment. He let down his uncle all for money and because of that Harun al rashid took over Imam al Kazim's life. (I got this story from Sayed Ammar Nakshawni's biography on Imam Musa al Kazim, its on youtube if you want to see it.

Based on this story from Imam Al Kazim's life, regardless what happens you should still try to maintain a relationship with them, or at the bare minimum, at least keep a salam between the both of you. So that Silat ar Rahim is not broken. If they do something later on that hurts you and your family, you have nothing to answer for because you will have maintained the ties by at least keeping the salam. Allah won't question you as to why you have broken relations, rather Allah will ask them why did you cause the ties to be broken, why did they wreck your reputation, that stuff. Of course, the best thing to do is try to mend the relationship, clear up any misconception, yes it'll be hard, but at least you will able to tell Allah that you tried to fix the relationship and you maintained it, you tried to do your part. If they are not willing to mend the relationship then Allah will ask them about it. The main thing to get out of this is, is to be patient, this is a test from Allah to see how you would react. Do not go out and try to wreck their marriage, don't act out in anger. Don't be envious, don't give in to shaitan's whispers. Maintain that Silat ar Rahim.

I hope this helps, if there are any other questions you would like answered, please do ask.

JazakAllah.

[Mzwakhe]

On 3/18/2020 at 7:03 PM, maryammmm said:

Salaam, I have an inquiry about family ties and how it is forbidden to cut off your relatives. Firstly, according to the ruling of that it's forbidden to sever family ties

wa alykum as salam wrwb

sever

/ˈsɛvə/

verb

1. divide by cutting or slicing, especially suddenly and forcibly.

   "the head was severed from the body"

    

what if it is them whose doing so, severing all ties( except that connection with Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)?

 

Edited June 13, 2020 by Mzwakhe

[ShiaofAli12]

1 hour ago, Mzwakhe said:

what if it is them whose doing so, severing all ties( except that connection with Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)?

Wassalam,

I feel like even if they choose to sever the ties, you should still try to have some connection, like simply saying salam even if they don't reply because, you are still trying to maintain silat ar-rahim and you won't be held accountable for breaking ties cause you are trying to connect with relatives. You should always try to contact them, but if it gets dangerous and it puts you at risk, then that's different and you probably should stop in that case. But nevertheless, you should try to contact them even if they choose not to.

[maryammmm]

Thank you everyone for all of your responses. I understand that it’s not liked by Allah if someone sever’s ties with their relatives. I genuinely feel like I have done my part in trying to keep contact and checking up on her throughout a period of five years, but the problem is that I was always the one initiating. Not once was it ever Initiated from the other side. I kept in touch with her throughout the period before they got married and then right before they got married—her mom call my dad screaming. After that incident my father didn’t want to have anything to do with them because he had exhausted all measures to that point. Both my parents had gone and tried to fix the situation but instead they were declared liars and malicious. At this point both my parents don’t want anything to do with that family. Am I suppose to listen to my parents? 
 

After I moved back home they did try to say salaam and stuff a few times but that also stopped. 

There are times when I think about reaching to her, but I stop because I’ll be going against my parents because they’ve made it clear we don’t have anything to do with them. 
 

I just don’t understand how me being hurt about her not confiding in me led to them thinking that my mother and I didn’t want them to be together and tried to break them up. That thought that never crossed our minds. I always feel guilty because maybe if I hadn’t been hurt by the fact that she didn’t tell me what was going on everything would’ve been fine. I should’ve just let it go, but I didn’t think they would turn everything around on us. I swear if I had known I would’ve just kept my mouth closed. But I thought she cared about me and if I was hurt. I was very wrong. 

[maryammmm]

Also, there have been many times when I have wanted to say Salaam, but she doesn’t even look my way for me to do that. 

[randomly curious]

On 3/18/2020 at 10:33 PM, maryammmm said:

We were being falsely accused for something that we had never thought about doing

i coincidentally found such a relevant Hadeeth.