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In the Name of God بسم الله

I feel lonely

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Guest zxhra

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Guest zxhra

Salam'aleikom.

Does anyone have advice for me?

I live in Europe with my parents and brothers, no other family. I have one friend whom I barely see. I don't have a really good relationship with my brothers, I mean we're good, but yeah, they mainly talk to each other about football and stuff and they do activities with each other, so I feel left out. For the past 2 years, I only go to work, school and help my parents with stuff, because they don't understand the language a lot. Everything is expected from me, my brothers don't help with difficult stuff that I do for my parents even tho they're older. I see people my age with friends, they go to birthdays, parties, weddings, trips etc. I never hang out, as I said I have one friend whom I never see, since I never see my old friends anymore we grew apart. I became very distant from religion too. I do pray and sometimes I read Qur'an, but I don't feel 'religious' or 'at peace'. I don't have any (Shia) Muslims around me, so yeah can't talk about Islam with them either. I, especially, feel sad during Ramadan and eid. Because everyone says they feel the Ramadan or eid vibes, but I have never experienced it and I'm 20. During eid, I'm at home doing nothing, because I don't feel like it. I don't have other family here or Muslim friends. I've been like 7 times to a mosque, in my life. I don't know what to do anymore, I've prayed a lot of time, but nothing has changed. At night I cry myself to sleep. I've become very annoyed at everyone and everything. My dad only works all the time, my mum is a houswife, they don't have any relatives or friends here. Because of the fact I was never surrounded by a lot of people I'm very shy and can't hold a conversation with someone ,who I don't know very well, properly. I feel really guilty, because people have way more worse situations than me, but I can't help feeling this way. I don't know if you guys can understand, but I'm hurting all the time. Even when I'm writing this I feel an ache in my heart. As if there is something missing. My mother even tells me that I look ill all the time and that I sometimes am ruining her mood. But truly, I have no energy anymore and I feel tired all the time. I just want this pain to end, but I don't know how. Astagfirullah, but even the thought crossed my mind that I understand why people do drugs and alcohol. Ofcourse, this is something I would never do, but I understand why people do it. I really want to become close to religion and learn more about it, at least that is something I can do, but everytime I try I fail. 

I really don't know what to do, I don't know why I've became like this, because before I had friends and was not feeling sad all the time. I don't know how long I'm going to survive this. 

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2 hours ago, Guest zxhra said:

I don't know how long I'm going to survive this. 

Salam. At 20 years old you are in that transitional stage; not knowing what your future holds. Studying and working are good ways to pass your time and are beneficial to you, but having no social life is depressing. If you want to reach out to friends, text or call them; it would bring interesting spontaneity to your life. Or get involved with the Mosque or Islamic Center and meet other girls your age. 

If your parents are cultural and have to find a husband for you (arranged marriage), they should be going to the masjid or center to get to know who the eligible bachelors are! If you are ready for it, let your mother know that you want to talk about getting married, since it might take a long time for her to plan the wedding. I know you don't anticipate living with her forever!

Remember that whenever you get married in the future, InShaAllah you and your husband can attend different events or get together with other young couples.

You have your whole life ahead of you, so think about what you want and how to achieve it. It will not be easy, maybe one step ahead then one step back, but that is life; it's a journey. You can do this!

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Yarrabi !

:cry: "l am on the verge of a psychotic breakdown."

Explanation:

So l read the OP, trying to think of something constructive to write.

Finishing that, l go to the next post which is by our Mother Hen.

l find out from there that the OP is written by a teenish-twenty gurl. Okay, l can write out of character and post a kind suggestion.

But . . . how a thread to go from "l am (deeply) lonely at the moment" to "you should be getting marred" is absolutely beyond my intellectual capacity. l'd expect this if this was a Jewish forum ("OH . . . have l got a gurl for you"), but please folks, little zxhra needs some practical advice . . .  not a 'life sentence'. Why should she be encouraged to go from "lonely" to "hasseled day and night" by getting marred before she is ready and more educated?

Now zxhra, everybody goes through this at some level of intensity. Not only with the people l went to school with, but also my own relatives (excluding little sister) do l ever see them except by accident.

l do not know where you live -as in US, Europe, or whereever- but there should be some activity that has a fun-interest for near you. Join that.

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I would tell you this life is a test.The time and effort you give to your parents will be rewarded many fold by Allah.Inshallah your future kids will respect you a lot.

Try to get a good book to read may be you are a extrovert.I found reading helped me cope with a lot of things.

As one of the posters getting married is a good option.Inshallah your future spouse will be more atuned to your social needs.

Please do not under any circumstances go to doctor and get antidepressants.You will be suffering forever if you do.You have to fight this on your own.

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All the people who are trying to stop you from getting anti-depressants are like the evil woman in this video. Telling OP to get married is the worst idea. Marriage only brings more problems in life and if you already have problems like depression, there's no way you can handle marriage. Loneliness is very tiny teeny little problem compared with the problems of married life.  You will not be suffering due to anti-depressants. I have been using them for 3 years and I have not become dependent. They are much less expensive solution than a marriage. 

Edited by rkazmi33
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Salaam,

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way sister. it sounds like you may have clinical depression. Feeling disconnected from your family, not motivated, crying spells and feeling guilty are all typical symptoms. It sounds like you have been struggling for a long time so I would encourage you to see a doctor to at least discuss options. Unfortunately in most cultures there is a stigma with seeking assistance with mental health issues, it is not recognized or discussed in our communities. This might feel like a big step but talking to a counselor or doctor will help. 

Here is a link from another thread which might be helpful

https://muslimmentalhealth.com

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Antidepressants make you feel drowsy and research shows you tend to get more suicidal thoughts.I can speak for myself but I have been through depression and thankfully I did not use antidepressants.You become to much addicted to them instead of fixing the problems in your life.Antidepressants are just crunch which will stick with you forever. 

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Reading books help a lot 

I can recommend one of the books I have read which helped me

How to stop worrying and started living by Dale carnegie

But sister this is a temporary solution. For permanent you need someone to talk, express share happiness and since you are 20 think of marrying. 

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10 hours ago, Guest zxhra said:

Salam'aleikom.

Does anyone have advice for me?

I really don't know what to do, I don't know why I've became like this, because before I had friends and was not feeling sad all the time. I don't know how long I'm going to survive this. 

Wa alaykum salaam sis,

It seems you already have the solution to your issue, so you just need to take up providing this solution to yourself actively. 

Do you get/have ANY free time when you are not working or serving your parents? Even though I agree that it seems wrong that your brothers are not chipping in to make life easier for your parents time-wise, perhaps your parents do not need you to the extent that you feel you need to serve them. Sometimes, we impose duties upon ourselves because we feel obliged to perform them, not knowing that those we are serving can survive perfectly well even without us, but tend to rely on us if we are offering the service. Also, you may want to look into whether you can create some pockets of time to do something you enjoy - and it would be good if this particular thing does not necessarily need company. For instance, if you enjoy knitting, you could set time aside each day to dedicate to that, perhaps your mother could join in too. At school and work do you have any acquaintances? Sometimes you do not need to worry about having no close friends. It is perfectly normal for a lot of Muslim girls living in a non Muslim environment to have many acquaintances and few or no close friends.

What social and halal activities can you take up that do not require a lot of dedication of time or energy (assuming you have your schedule packed with all the other stuff you are doing?)? If you need to take up short classes, do that. 

and if you are really in need to a social circle to be able to keep loneliness and depression at bay, then find a way to have one. Some people are perfectly fine with having a few or no close friends and not hanging out. If you are not one of those people, make time. Having a schedule of daily activities is a good way to identify the time gaps you have and to ration and budget your time accordingly. Most of us just flow from one activity into another but tend to lose a couple of hours everyday doing nothing in particular. 

All the best :verryhappy:

I also recommend you read a book by one of our very own ShiaChat members 'All the Perfumes of Arabia' it is available in hard copy and ebook format.

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Ws Guest Zxhra,

your message is heart breaking. 
 

Don’t take any medication - you do not need any anti depressants - anti depressants does not help with loneliness 

Be proactive making friends. It doesnt matter if those friends are non-Muslims, Muslims or Shia Muslims, make time hanging out with them even for a walk and talk, going to the cinema, going to a mall or two, or meeting up to study together - you need to make the effort and be amongst people

Be comfortable in you own skin too

Read books that are lighthearted and fun like roald dahl books or any kids books honestly I’m reading some as adults its so good just to be able to have a silly laugh, its different from academic or literature written for adults

Can you join some clubs/after school clubs such sports or crafts or coding or cooking...anything that gets you doing something that brings you enjoyment but you are there with people - it might help break your shyness
 

Start using your imagination more, build your creative side. Start writing, whatever you want to write even if its a to-do list to begin with, later it can move into your thoughts etc. 
 

Go to your local mosque and volunteer or local clubs. You need to get involved in activities that you enjoy doing for you to meet like minded people. 

Also please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are doing wonderful by your parents, your brothers probably need a shouting match with you - they probably don’t know what they are doing is causing you so much pain - could you play some board games together for example? Maybe even play it with your mum! You need to preoccupy that ‘silent’ time with things to do and learn to be comfortable with it. 

You said you have one friend - what’s stopping you meeting up more often? With friendships you have to put the effort in or that friendship will end. Its hard work being social and maintaining it! But I agree we are all meant to be social beings, is there no one at work/in your classes that you can talk to even if its work related to start off with? Friendships take time and effort and it is you that needs to put that effort in. 

But as I said before you need to be proactive in your search for friends my dear and you also need to start communicating with your family how you feel and how they are making you feel - yes you might cry, they might laugh and call you silly but I bet they’ll also try their best to cheer you up - but you need to be honest with them. Write it down before you speak to them - it will help.

Good luck and you are in my du’as. You got this :-)

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15 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

You should go see your doctor and ask them to prescribe you anti-depressants. They really do help. 

This is a bad idea. Do you know some of the side effects of anti-depressant pills? Sure they might help with your depression but they are causing other damages to your body. 

The pills hides the problems under the mat. 

If you got problems in your life, you don't hide them, you deal with them. Otherwise you will have to be on depressant pills for whole life. 

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Guest zxhra

Thank you for your replies.

 

1) I just turned 20 I am not looking for a husband, because I still want to enjoy life without a man and I don't think a man can solve my problems. Also, I'm going to uni next year.

2) I can’t reach out to my old friends since they have a different lifestyle than me. They are not Muslims and party a lot besides they do not care about school that much.

3) I don't have any Shia mosques near me so no I also can't make friends there. I don't want to go to a Sunni mosque. I know the closest mosque near me doesn't accept Shias, at least, the people who attend that mosque don't accept shiism I think. And I don't have the energy nor the knowledge to debate with them.

4) I do have free times, yes, I read books but at some point it also starts to annoy me.

5) I have no depression. I just feel lonely because I have no friends or family or joy in my life. It's not that I HATE my life I just don't like the situation I'm in right now and that makes me sad. Also even if I had depression I would never ever get medication for that.

I'm hoping to get accepted into university so I can move to a big city next year where there are a lot of Muslims and some Shia mosques. That's my only hope right now. 

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you might be lucky if this doesnt get censored....

good news is majority of shiachatters are in the same boat. we can all row together to heaven.....

You are young and you seek guidance. What can you do to have a better outlook in life?.

Work out? eat better food? volunteer? join a club? become a weebo and watch anime?  read, self educate, have courage, stand up and negotiate with duties in the house?. You are not a slave, but a human being with rights.

The good man nadeem outlined a good book. Most people today look at Jordon Peterson for help. He was crying in one of his videos recently and most of his comments are from people who had problems which they overcame by listening to him. There are answers and helpers everywhere. But the problem with life is, we always have to take that first step by our selves.

Books or youtube audio books - self reliance by emerson - Dale Carnegie

humans are social but to be social we need to be around good people.

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I mentioned several options, the last of which was talking to her mother about marriage, which is not an overnight process, but takes 6 months or even years if parents are slow. If that was something she wanted, the first step would be initiated. However, she replied above that she is not interested in marriage at this time. Other options are still open. :) 

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Salam,

If you have no Husseinyas nor Shia mosques around you to find friends at, you could always make some good female friends here and inshaAllah in the meanwhile you will get accepted into some university so you can move to a bigger city with more people, though living alone is not fun. I would also suggest that you reconsider marriage timing, although your planning to start uni, nothing says you can’t marry someone who is also studying, so you can pass your uni years together living like simple students.

Besides, it could take years from the point you start searching to the point that you actually find someone who is good and is matching you. Thats why we start cooking our food before we reach the point of starvation. We usually make life harder than it is for us because we are trying to go against 1000s of years of human history with our modern lifestyles.

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20 hours ago, Guest Guest can’t remember said:

You said you have one friend - what’s stopping you meeting up more often? With friendships you have to put the effort in or that friendship will end. Its hard work being social and maintaining it! But I agree we are all meant to be social beings, is there no one at work/in your classes that you can talk to even if its work related to start off with? Friendships take time and effort and it is you that needs to put that effort in. 

hello, thank you for your reply. It's not as easy as it seems. My friend works (almost) full time and I go to work and school so we don't have the same free days.

2 hours ago, Soldiers and Saffron said:

I would also suggest that you reconsider marriage timing, although your planning to start uni, nothing says you can’t marry someone who is also studying, so you can pass your uni years together living like simple students.

Besides, it could take years from the point you start searching to the point that you actually find someone who is good and is matching you. Thats why we start cooking our food before we reach the point of starvation. We usually make life harder than it is for us because we are trying to go against 1000s of years of human history with our modern lifestyles.

I don't know, I don't feel like marrying now. Maybe when I'm 23. If I meet someone I'm open to it, ofcourse.

2 hours ago, Soldiers and Saffron said:

and inshaAllah in the meanwhile you will get accepted into some university so you can move to a bigger city with more people, though living alone is not fun.

I know living alone is not fun, but I have no option because I can't travel 6 hours a day just for school. Also, I think I have more silence around me. At home there's always someone watching tv or people talking, I can't concentrate that way. My friend is probably also going to study in that city so we're looking for a little appartment to live together. 

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I am not good at making friends, because I'm really shy and it takes a lot of time before I open up and be myself. By that time, the people are already bored off. 

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8 hours ago, Guest zxhra said:

I don't know, I don't feel like marrying now. Maybe when I'm 23. If I meet someone I'm open to it, ofcourse.

If you start now then maybe you will meet someone by the age of 23 suitable for you. It can take many many years from the point you start looking until you find a good match for yourself.

 

8 hours ago, Guest zxhra said:

I know living alone is not fun, but I have no option because I can't travel 6 hours a day just for school. Also, I think I have more silence around me. At home there's always someone watching tv or people talking, I can't concentrate that way. My friend is probably also going to study in that city so we're looking for a little appartment to live together. 

Is your friend a Muslim? If so then that would be a really good idea but if she is not then it might lead into her bringing dates over and alcohol, etc.

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15 hours ago, Nadeemsayyed110 said:

You can also opt to talk to your sister cousins. Chatting and talking to them can also help u. As you mentioned no relatives live nearby, you can call them build a repo that will surely help. 

No. My cousins drink alcohol and claim no longer to be Muslim. I never had a great bond with them and now I will surely not associate myself with them and reach out to them. 

5 hours ago, Soldiers and Saffron said:

If you start now then maybe you will meet someone by the age of 23 suitable for you. It can take many many years from the point you start looking until you find a good match for yourself.

 

Is your friend a Muslim? If so then that would be a really good idea but if she is not then it might lead into her bringing dates over and alcohol, etc.

I'm not looking for someone, because where should I look? Also I see no point in looking, if something is written for me it will surely come ...

My friend is not a Muslim, but I have known her since primary school. She doesn't drink alcohol, never goes to parties and never had a boyfriend. She's literally like me... lol, except for the fact that she's not Muslim ofcourse. My mum would rather let me live with her than with Sunnis, so that says a lot about her. 

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9 hours ago, hasanhh said:

zxhra . . . you write like you are allright. lnshallah, you'll get through this soon.

What do you mean I write like I'm fine......? Obv I'm not fine otherwise I would not open this topic. 

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10 hours ago, Guest zxhra said:

What do you mean I write like I'm fine......? Obv I'm not fine otherwise I would not open this topic. 

As in "there ain't nothing seriously wrong with you".

When reading-on-the-scroll just now, you posted you're not good at making friends. You'll average 1-5 fin Life, through Life.

l went to an all male high school except for the dozen girls whose parents worked there. Forty years later, a couple of the girls was in a group where we were all talking. The two of them said they didn't make their Life friends in college or work or whereever, but among those 12-16 girls who wer in grades 6-12 [when l finished high school]. They were all each others friends and bride's maids and shoulders at the funerals and so on. Not the other gurls they schooled and worked with. The othe S.C women are better at picking this theme up here.

Personally, l have had three.

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On 3/9/2020 at 11:11 AM, AkhiraisReal said:

 

If you got problems in your life, you don't hide them, you deal with them. Otherwise you will have to be on depressant pills for whole life. 

My only problem is I am autistic, and I live among ignorant people who will never accept me. With time passing, they are going backwards in their thinking. So there's no solution to this problem. I cannot fight with so many people, and that's why I use anti depressants. 

Edited by rkazmi33
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52 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

My only problem is I am autistic, and I live among ignorant people who will never accept me. With time passing, they are going backwards in their thinking. So there's no solution to this problem. I cannot fight with so many people, and that's why I use anti depressants. 

Who are they not accept you? It's more like you shouldn't be accepting them in the first place. You got this champ! Ignorance is a bliss

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16 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

My only problem is I am autistic, and I live among ignorant people who will never accept me. With time passing, they are going backwards in their thinking. So there's no solution to this problem. I cannot fight with so many people, and that's why I use anti depressants. 

so you are only hiding/ignoring the problem, instead of dealing with it.

every problem has a solution.

if your incentive of taking the easy way(by taking pills) is greater than solving the issue, then you will only continue to take pills.

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21 hours ago, AkhiraisReal said:

so you are only hiding/ignoring the problem, instead of dealing with it.

every problem has a solution.

if your incentive of taking the easy way(by taking pills) is greater than solving the issue, then you will only continue to take pills.

What is the solution? Should I cure my autism or change the thinking of 100+ people? Which miracle do you want me to perform? I don't only take pills. I also earn money which I regularly give to my bullies and I take insults from them daily but I haven't physically attacked anyone and haven't gone to jail once. 

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3 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

What is the solution? Should I cure my autism or change the thinking of 100+ people? Which miracle do you want me to perform? I don't only take pills. I also earn money which I regularly give to my bullies and I take insults from them daily but I haven't physically attacked anyone and haven't gone to jail once. 

Not sure what I should respond with. 

Giving money to bullies? Are you teenager? Where do you live?, this is theft, report to police. 

There are testimonials about how cbd oil have helped people with autism. But I don't know the legal status of using it. 

Edited by AkhiraisReal
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31 minutes ago, AkhiraisReal said:

Not sure what I should respond with. 

Giving money to bullies? Are you teenager? Where do you live?, this is theft, report to police. 

 

What is that supposed to mean? My mother is 72 years old and she constantly gives money to my bully sister. She will give all her wealth to my bully sister, being unfair to her other kids but she has no other option. My father constantly buys expensive gifts for her. I give a very small amount of money compared to other ADULTS and that is why I take the most abuse. Because of your condescending style, it's obvious that you are not sincere and that's why I won't pay attention to anything you say. I am not a teenager, I am a civilized, law abiding, kind-hearted decent human being like majority of people who are controlled by bullies. You are either a bully or you get protection from a woman bully, that's why you are talking like this. Who knows, what kind of sacrifices you give for the woman bully who protects you. Mostly they require constant flattering. You probably spend most of your day flattering that woman. 

Edited by rkazmi33
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15 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

What is that supposed to mean? My mother is 72 years old and she constantly gives money to my bully sister. She will give all her wealth to my bully sister, being unfair to her other kids but she has no other option. My father constantly buys expensive gifts for her. I give a very small amount of money compared to other ADULTS and that is why I take the most abuse. Because of your condescending style, it's obvious that you are not sincere and that's why I won't pay attention to anything you say. I am not a teenager, I am a civilized, law abiding, kind-hearted decent human being like majority of people who are controlled by bullies. You are either a bully or you get protection from a woman bully, that's why you are talking like this. Who knows, what kind of sacrifices you give for the woman bully who protects you. Mostly they require constant flattering. You probably spend most of your day flattering that woman. 

So you give money to your family to help them out. There is no problem in that. Before it sounded like it was random people bullying you for money.

I was sincere in my reply, CBD oil has helped people with different conditions. You should check it out.

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