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In the Name of God بسم الله

Reprogramming oneself at age twenty-seven

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Calamities, misfortunes, and shortcomings. 

Are all perceptions. 

Your eyes see Darkness, When they are designed to perceive the light.

Your conscious of your difficulties and obstacles. Good.

Your obstacles and difficulties are not a hindrance to progress in your life, obstacles and difficulties are precisely what is needed to be addressed to progress in your life.

Living with a strict family will not bequeath you change or discipline.

IT is action.

In Every calamity exist a mercy.

And within every problem exists a solution.

A challenge does not exist without a challenger, who is willing to contest it. 

Mankind's Lost Paradise is found in the battlefield between life and martyrdom.

God bless you

I havent told you anything you don’t already you know.

Your servant, 


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@Northwest you really can’t summarise your spiritual journey in a series of bullet points. You also don’t need anyone to adopt you to 'reprogram' you. You don’t need reprogramming, you just need to evolve and better yourself, and that needs to come from within yourself not anyone else. 

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Guest doit!Monad
6 hours ago, Northwest said:

Specifically, I am wondering if I may be able to be adopted by, live with, and witness (or be tutored by) a very observant, strict family—directly or indirectly.

so what do you expect them to help you with that you perhaps cannot do for your self?. Are you wanting to be a slave? hoping for a master to smack you into the right direction?. Try to get a labour job doing heavy work. This is how life is for many with abled minds.

When we struggle with life, time goes very slow. In that slowness the mind starts to break apart. Most of what you have is poor social skills that then caused you to dysfunction in the real world. As not being able to relate to other humans or to understand how humans actually work. From the bad or the good. Nothing is going to fix that apart from you fixing things in your self. It will take years, but mostly it requires alot of introspection and self study. You need goals every day that you must write and attempt to achieve.

Your first goals should be to seek a form of part time employment. Find something and do it.

Volunteer, charities always seek help. Plenty of users there.

At your age, it should not be about excuses, I wish this and I wish that, what people respect is doers. Act. That should be your moto. I am going to ACT.

Listen to Emerson : Self Reliance on Youtube.

I will give you strictness Goals :

Get a job. Your aim is to make money. Uber, delivery driver, whatever.


Work out.

Once you start dealing with people and especially single males when they meet real women, they realise all that time they spend alone at home was a waste. They got left behind because of whatever tribulations that occured, generally it stemmed from poor education, so they regressed in life. I know guys who had no parents doing better then those with parents. So its upon the persons themselves. You want something, you have desires, then go get them. No one is going to hand it to you.

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First of all, good of you for taking action. Good for you for wanting to change. Good for you for not giving up. Great work. God-Willing you will be Successful. God helps the Believers.
About the "adoption" thing, I agree with some of what 2Timeless said, but I think you might be onto a great point; changing of environment, etc. If it is going to help you in your journey, then why not move to another place for example or... But I wouldn't focus too much on this, just you might want to consider it and don't be discouraged in that regard. We can talk about this point later maybe.

Some other thoughts:
1. Be sure of Shia Islam. (Your profile says agnostic. If this is still the case; start there. God, Prophethood, and Imamate can all be proven. Once one is sure, this is extremely helpful.
2.  Determine the goal. Then go for it.

(You do not have to worry about death if you;
1. Have fulfilled your obligations to God.
2. Do not sin.
3. Have a good moral trait/ethics/behavior.)

Some sources/... :
If you implement this letter in your life you are Succesful: https://www.Sistani.org/english/archive/25240/
Al-Islam.org; very useful including; the book  " Invitation to Islam ". 
Also this channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC1PszuZUrX_xo_DroXsKsBg

If you like,  we can team up and I think I will be able to help you in your life. Of course, you can be Successful without me too, but still. 
I am now with somebody else working in a similar situation, and we are growing daily. I am not sure about your position in these matters. If you are a Shia Muslim, then my advice will be different compared with if you are not, for example.  

If the first phase/organization is good and set; then it is only a matter of action and time.

Edited by Mohammed-Mehdi
typos etc

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You need to very sincere in finding Him (The God).  When you can see Him in every walk of your life, then seek His Guidance so you will not follow your personal ways, but to follow His Ways.  Ponder upon the creation of stars, planets, moon, mountains, rivers and your own body.

Eventhough God can guide you directly, often He will get someone (physical) to guide you, be with you so that you will not be alone.  Evil force will also send someone (physical and spiritual) to mis-guide you.  You must insist on following God, because He is best Protector.  

Then God will introduce you to His Representives on the Earth with clear signs.  The first will be the Prophet.  Has believe in His Representatives.

You can live any place in this world, if you are sincere to find and be with Him.

How do you know that you are slowly guided...feel of peace in the heart, mind and souls.  You feel that you have the strength to reach for Him and avoid wrong stuff.


Maybe the verses from Qur'an below can be a source of guidance:

Yusufali 7:54] Your Guardian-Lord is Allah, Who created the heavens and the Earth in six days, and is firmly established on the throne (of authority): He draweth the night as a veil o'er the day, each seeking the other in rapid succession: He created the sun, the moon, and the stars, (all) governed by laws under His command. Is it not His to create and to govern? Blessed be Allah, the Cherisher and Sustainer of the worlds!

[Yusufali 7:55] Call on your Lord with humility and in private: for Allah loveth not those who trespass beyond bounds.

[Yusufali 7:56] Do no mischief on the Earth, after it hath been set in order, but call on Him with fear and longing (in your hearts): for the Mercy of Allah is (always) near to those who do good.

Edited by layman

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Amazing, Chuck Palahniuk described you in Fight Club. Palahniuk’s main point in his book was to show how men always look for a father figure other than their actual father to mentor them, show them the world. Find someone you could shadow. Learn from them, hang out with them. It only takes 40 days for you to adopt their behaviors. I’ve tried this and it worked for me.

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12 hours ago, Northwest said:
  • Feels that he lacks virtually all the skills to be an independent adult, not sure what to prioritise
  • Battle between guilty conscience, inferiority complex, and a very stubborn, complicated nafs

Brother, we are a family to you. Until you get a family who adopts you, I'm ready to be a strict older brother of yours. You mentioned two problems here to which I think as follows:

1. Every person who is at the beginning of being independent thinks of him as lacking skills but you should be confident that you are human and Allah (عزّ وجلّ) has given you ability to adapt and learn in new situations.

2. All of us have a guilty conscience due to stubborn Nafs, we should learn to avoid our nafs and try not lose hope to get better.

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15 hours ago, Northwest said:
  • Stopped listening to music in the past year and tried to avoid looking at females, but desperate
  • Wishes he was brought up in a much stricter family and/or responded to challenges better
  • Feels that he lacks virtually all the skills to be an independent adult, not sure what to prioritise
  • Battle between guilty conscience, inferiority complex, and a very stubborn, complicated nafs

hi , these are same as Shia Muslims practices & conflicts also I recommend you to read duaa-makarimul-akhlaq & try to use it in your daily life as a step by step  process like doing just one line of it in a week.


His Supplication on Noble Moral Traits (Makarimul Akhlaq) Acts Pleasing to God (Supplication - 20)
This Du'a has been taught by Imam Sajjad (عليه السلام) and is a clear indication of the loftiness of moral virtues expected of a believer. Islam believes in the elevation of the human being, that a human is a great and dignified creation, far above the animal world. One of the signs of this dignity is the possession of noble and magnanimous qualities.

In order to achieve this behavioral excellence, man needs to overcome his base and selfish attributes, and cultivate noble qualities.


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Thank you to everyone who posted above. Very helpful.

@Northwest I am a mother and I do not recommend that you leave your parents. You say you are dependant on them, but they also depend on you. Even if you move out, try to stay close enough that it is easy for you to go see them every day or two, then every weekend or once a month. I'm sure that people who are separated by miles, in different  countries, would tell you that phone calls and FaceTime or Skype (while good alternatives) are not the same as being there and hugging each other. 

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You should be grateful for your parents. My parents were much better parents when they were not religious. Ever since they decided to become strict and religious, they became hypocritical, cruel and unfair. They favor my sister too much and this has become the reason I lost interest in religion. You don't appreciate what you have until it is gone. 

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Guest Justme

I had quite the same situation as u. Born in Germany.

Brought up in a Muslim house hold. Origin south Asian.

Now I am an agnostic and feel peace everyday. I consider myself still a Muslim, but also an agnostic, stoic, mystic, seeker, lover, there are no names. 'I am you' , as Rumi said so wisely.

The struggle wont be over so easily once you start to aim at your inner strength, but I know you can and will Start to do it some day. don’t put urself under pressure. I was 35 when my journey began, now I am 39, still somehow dependant, but God made me see that it is love that unites and frees us all. First of all the love to urself, then love for the people around you.

Get maybe professional help, from a therapist, cause asking for help is the first sign of showing strength. Trust me. Islam is a nice way to find the route but maybe not the only one, especially in Ur case with an upbringing in the US. No judgment, cause I don’t know you. I just thought I felt ur pain and it hit very close to what I was and still am.

I respect all the people, all Shia, Sunni, Christian, Jews, and seekers of true peace, inner peace and peace for communities around us.

I recommend to you to have a look at the 'biblical series' from Jordan B. Peterson on Youtube. Its a twelve Part Series for people, for Shia, for Muslims, for Christians, for all...

Will help you

May God bless you and your family

All the best brother / sister

regards justme



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Having a Belief is not that we only believe in something, rather it is to change ourselves according to what we believe. Because even Satan believes, in fact he knows for certain, but he does not change.

So brother if you truly believe then change accordingly. Your parents, no matter in what state, are your parents and can not be ignored. You must care for them above all else in this world if you believe. Just love them and only disobey when they command against the wishes of the Creator. Explain it to them with humility and love when that happens and be mindful of your responsibility to take care of them. You should have a friendly and helpful attitude with all, employing the best of manners you can. Islam was spread due to "the very great manners" of the Prophet according to Qur'an. Creatures have right on you too and to believe is to also fulfill those rights. Read Risalatul huqooq (Treaties of rights) by Imam Sajjad so you know which persons have how much rights on you and you should see that they are fulfilled. Parents, siblings, spouses, children, relatives, neighbors have the highest rights.

To believe is to sacrifice. It is the hardest thing to do in this material world. To sacrifice what we desire in order to gain the pleasure of our Creator. Through sacrifice we gain the hereafter. And do not despair. Losing hope and excessive worrying means a person does not really believe. Let go of and let Allah worry for your problems, you can only try so do try your best and then leave it to God.

Praying is the remembrance of Allah, our personal relationship with God. Fasting is the sacrifice of our nafs for Him. Hajj is visiting Him. Zakaat/spending in His way is the sacrifice of and purification of our possessions. We learn all these things by the lives of the best of Creatures, the Prophet and his household, whose way is the only chosen example for us and meant to be followed.

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Guest 1234

I'm in a similar boat. What I'm doing is volunteering at a mosque and I really really recommend it. God will see you and will guide you. If you're sincere and are willing to do what you know you should be doing and not do what you know you shouldn't be doing, God will make solutions run to you. I've literally had a stranger walk up to me in the mosque, start talking, then kept offering me jobS. As we kept speaking I noticed that this person was very very similar to me in regards to the problems he's gone through, it was like meeting an alternate dimension version of myself, one who kept working at it and made it. He left me his number in case I needed any advice. Here was a mentor, tailor made for me, and God had him (a complete stranger) walk up to me and start chatting.

It all comes down to recognizing who is the One who has what we want, and seeking it from Him. People always talk about seeking guidance from God, and we think "Yeah yeah, of course" and not really change our actions, but trust me as soon as you ACTIVELY live your life by Islamic advice, miracles will happen around you. Islam is also a PRACTICAL religion, it should have an impact on our actions just as much as our thoughts and words.

If you really are sincere, then consider your wishes as good as done. But don't be surprised if God's solution isn't exactly what you had in mind.

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Ayatollah Bahjat have made it clear that if a Muslim acts upon what they know, they will be succesfull. No matter how much they know or the situation in their lifes, if they act upon what they know... 

I thint it was mentioned in one of these episodes:

(Higly Recommended)

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