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YaAliMadad110786

Helicopter parenting

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53 minutes ago, YaAliMadad110786 said:

So I don’t want to rush into marriage just yet but have considered it. Another problem is, I come from the indo-pak society, and I am A SYED woman. A lot of men even around my own age have a lot of ego about being syed,(may Allah forgive me but) there character usually doesn’t match their bloodline. My family are extremely strict about this matter, and WILL disown me and they rather I die(I’ve seen this happen in the past) 

Wait a minute. What will they disown you over? It's a little unclear, and I don't want to jump to conclusions 

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2 hours ago, YaAliMadad110786 said:

So I don’t want to rush into marriage just yet but have considered it. Another problem is, I come from the indo-pak society, and I am A SYED woman. A lot of men even around my own age have a lot of ego about being syed,(may Allah forgive me but) there character usually doesn’t match their bloodline. My family are extremely strict about this matter, and WILL disown me and they rather I die(I’ve seen this happen in the past) 

Maybe because they are like 1% dna of syeds

My moms side are abidi syed I coerced my cousin into getting dna test result was Kurdish European African DNA 10% and 90% Indian 

Whooping zero percent Arab 

Funny fact they have a 19th century shajra-e- nasab book clearly linking them to Imam sajjad 

 

Edited by Panzerwaffe

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On 2/22/2020 at 6:14 AM, YaAliMadad110786 said:

have tried to talk to them about this but they constantly brush it away saying something bad will happen to me

They say that to easily guilt trip you. My parents say that all the time. Unless I’m doing something very bad, then that’s completely different. Our parents are trying to steer us clear from haram, but as you said yourself a lot of the times it can be too overwhelming.

On 2/22/2020 at 6:14 AM, YaAliMadad110786 said:

Occassionally tells me that girls mess up if they go outside alone or with friends.

Sis we’re on the same page here lol. It always depends on who you hang out with. You need to show them that they can trust you. How is that any different from going to uni by yourself and hanging out with a bunch of different people? 
believe me this will take time. U need to keep talking to them

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9 hours ago, Panzerwaffe said:

Maybe because they are like 1% dna of syeds

My moms side are abidi syed I coerced my cousin into getting dna test result was Kurdish European African DNA 10% and 90% Indian 

Whooping zero percent Arab 

Funny fact they have a 19th century shajra-e- nasab book clearly linking them to Imam sajjad 

 

A lot of Syed men and some of the woman have lots of ego within them about it. 

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Trust runs in a lot of people.Anyone and everyone who has money or power or think they are important in anyway usually have ego issues.It is only few people who are truly humble.

I know few people who moved to Pakistan changed their names so they could be Syeds here.Atleast two families I know of personally.

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8 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

They say that to easily guilt trip you. My parents say that all the time. Unless I’m doing something very bad, then that’s completely different. Our parents are trying to steer us clear from haram, but as you said yourself a lot of the times it can be too overwhelming.

Sis we’re on the same page here lol. It always depends on who you hang out with. You need to show them that they can trust you. How is that any different from going to uni by yourself and hanging out with a bunch of different people? 
believe me this will take time. U need to keep talking to them

I hang out with a group of girls who are mash’Allah very decent, and somewhat religious too. I don’t seek bad company as I know what haram it could to do me in my life now and in the akhirah. I will remain patient 

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On 2/22/2020 at 3:14 AM, YaAliMadad110786 said:

I read through all of that and oh my, that sounds a lot like my own parents. They don’t mind my interaction with the opposite gender as long as its about the work and I don’t talk to them outside college premises. I’m from a Pakistani background. I have tried to talk to them about this but they constantly brush it away saying something bad will happen to me. I forgot to mention, a Muslim teacher was speaking to my mother and was telling her good things about me and considered me “different” from the other girls as in, I don’t get into relationships etc. Made my mother feel good but still doesn’t trust me. Occassionally tells me that girls mess up if they go outside alone or with friends.

In my view, it is less a case of not trusting kids, and more a case of parents' themselves being afraid of the world; so they adopt a 'anything bad that can happen, will happen' approach and try to shelter their children as much as possible. The problem is reinforced by children behaving as children, not as stakeholders, which is the position you want to come to. 

You need to allay your parents' fears, implicitly, and take up more responsibility when it comes to dealing with the outside world, but do it tacitly e.g: accompany your parents outside more often, have mature conversations etc. The idea is to gradually shift your parents' perspective about you from being a child to a mature person. 

Don't take them head on and demand independence, you must not appear rebellious as this will put them on the defensive and reinforce current behaviour. If possible, get someone else, perhaps a family elder to talk to talk to them. 

 

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3 hours ago, peace4alltheworld said:

Trust runs in a lot of people.Anyone and everyone who has money or power or think they are important in anyway usually have ego issues.It is only few people who are truly humble.

I know few people who moved to Pakistan changed their names so they could be Syeds here.Atleast two families I know of personally.

Yes" khokra pari Syeds"

My maternal side is still in lucknow India 

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18 hours ago, YaAliMadad110786 said:

So I don’t want to rush into marriage just yet but have considered it. Another problem is, I come from the indo-pak society, and I am A SYED woman. A lot of men even around my own age have a lot of ego about being syed,(may Allah forgive me but) there character usually doesn’t match their bloodline. My family are extremely strict about this matter, and WILL disown me and they rather I die(I’ve seen this happen in the past) 

Syed weddings are purely cultural and have nothing to do with Islam. Islamically Syed marrying a non-syed vs syed does not matter at all. Race is not a factor either that Islam looks at, it doesn’t matter what country this man is from. What matters most is his faith/how good of a person he is. You don’t need to constrict yourself to only one race. Remember, at the end of the day, the final decision of marrying someone is yours, and if you object, then the marriage is NOT valid. 

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6 hours ago, Hussain_ said:

Syed weddings are purely cultural and have nothing to do with Islam. Islamically Syed marrying a non-syed vs syed does not matter at all. Race is not a factor either that Islam looks at, it doesn’t matter what country this man is from. What matters most is his faith/how good of a person he is. You don’t need to constrict yourself to only one race. Remember, at the end of the day, the final decision of marrying someone is yours, and if you object, then the marriage is NOT valid. 

I completely agree. My family have no problem with me marrying out of my race, and regardless of him being Sunni/Shia. Just has to be Syed to carry the “bloodline” on.

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On 2/22/2020 at 4:24 PM, YaAliMadad110786 said:

Aww bless you! Hope all is well! I’ve considered getting married BUT as I do come from an Indo-Pak society and I am a SYED, my parents forbid me from marrying out and that itself is hard enough, as not many of the syed men are very open minded, even around my own age. A lot have ego about it. 

If worst comes to worst, and your parents try to coerce you to marry a specific syed you're not interested in, maybe you're going to have to get your mosque's sheikh and/or family friends to have an intervention with your parents, to talk some sense into them that in Islam, you don't have to marry a syed or that they can't force you to marry someone you don't want to.

And if someone truly wants to marry you, they will accept reasonable conditions that you place on your nikah contract, like right to travel or right to work. You're an educated, virtuous syed girl who has UK citizenship, any Shia guy would be BEYOND LUCKY to marry you. If they don't accept your conditions, it's their loss because virtuous girls are very hard to find in the west, and syed girls aren't very common in the west either. Yes, they could marry someone from Asia or the Middle East, but as many of us Muslim women and men with US, UK, Canadian etc citizenship know, there's a risk with marrying a non-citizen because the non-citizen may be desperate to get out of their country and only accepted the marriage to get a visa or citizenship easily through marriage, and will get a divorce once they get it... which could be a huge financial blow for men if you consider the possibility of division of assets, child support, etc.

Edited by Lilly14

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37 minutes ago, Lilly14 said:

If worst comes to worst, and your parents try to coerce you to marry a specific syed you're not interested in, maybe you're going to have to get your mosque's sheikh and/or family friends to have an intervention with your parents, to talk some sense into them that in Islam, you don't have to marry a syed or that they can't force you to marry someone you don't want to.

And if someone truly wants to marry you, they will accept reasonable conditions that you place on your nikah contract, like right to travel or right to work. You're an educated, virtuous syed girl who has UK citizenship, any Shia guy would be BEYOND LUCKY to marry you. If they don't accept your conditions, it's their loss because virtuous girls are very hard to find in the west, and syed girls aren't very common in the west either. Yes, they could marry someone from Asia or the Middle East, but as many of us Muslim women and men with US, UK, Canadian etc citizenship know, there's a risk with marrying a non-citizen because the non-citizen may be desperate to get out of their country and only accepted the marriage to get a visa or citizenship easily through marriage, and will get a divorce once they get it... which could be a huge financial blow for men if you consider the possibility of division of assets, child support, etc.

Alhumdullilah we don’t do forced marriage in my family. But the Shia masjid in my area is full of Pakistani/Indians and so they all carry the same mentality “a syedzaadi shouldn’t marry a non-syed. Its haram” and will do anything and everything to prove that. My father told me he asked one of the molvis about this question and he said “its haram”. The problem I personally have with the men there is, even my generation believe in that and I don’t want to be with someone who thinks like that. I’m thinking ahead of time, what if I have a daughter who wants to marry a non-syed or there is a non-syed worthy of marrying her? I wouldn’t want to say no.

I personally would marry a UK citizen or a citizen of a western country so I KNOW they’re not here for my passport(not being racist or rude)

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49 minutes ago, YaAliMadad110786 said:

Alhumdullilah we don’t do forced marriage in my family. But the Shia masjid in my area is full of Pakistani/Indians and so they all carry the same mentality “a syedzaadi shouldn’t marry a non-syed. Its haram” and will do anything and everything to prove that. My father told me he asked one of the molvis about this question and he said “its haram”. The problem I personally have with the men there is, even my generation believe in that and I don’t want to be with someone who thinks like that. I’m thinking ahead of time, what if I have a daughter who wants to marry a non-syed or there is a non-syed worthy of marrying her? I wouldn’t want to say no.

I personally would marry a UK citizen or a citizen of a western country so I KNOW they’re not here for my passport(not being racist or rude)

Oh wow, I never knew that this belief would be held by a sheikh. Inshaallah things go well for you in all aspects of life, and it doesn't reach the point of more conflict for you. 

Inshaallah, so would I inshaallah. But I was saying that any Shia men would be lucky to marry you for many reasons, including that they know you're not marrying them for their citizenship, since you already have yours. 

Edited by Lilly14

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