Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
Sign in to follow this  
YaAliMadad110786

Helicopter parenting

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

Assalamualaikum, I have a problem. I live in the UK and I am now considered as an adult (18 turning 19). However my parents see it differently. I respect their beliefs, but it can get pretty extreme at times. From a young age, me and my siblings have been very dependant on our parents and at the time, we felt protected and knew we had our parents standing behind us no matter what happens! But growing up, I realised my parents had bought me up differently compared to my classmates(Muslim or not.) My mum would pack my bags and do my homework for me sometimes. My mum was against me showing by myself till I was 13! I do love both of my parents and I’m not going to deny that. As I grew older and older, my parents kept a close eye on me(which I totally understand) but now it is somewhat getting out of control. My parents do not trust me. I’ve not had the best grades in the past but I work hard and my grades are getting better and better Alhumdullilah, I help around the house, and try to be an obedient daughter. My father doesn’t trust me, when he drops me off to college, he doesn’t leave till I’m fully inside. I haven’t done anything for them to feel like that. I try to avoid interacting with the opposite gender unless its needed, and my group of friends are decent, I’ve never hung out with the wrong crowd. They won’t even let me leave their sight if I go outside. I decided to walk outside for 5 minutes and my dad came running after me using the excuse theres stabbings around and people go missing. I get that but then when he sees girls my age go out with their friends, even if its just to go out and eat, they think its not decent. They allow me to go out with one of my friends, and they have to drop me off, and SEE I’m actually with her and not with anyone else. My mum always talks about how she wants me to get married within the next few years but I want to be independent before that so I don’t have to depend on anyone when times get rough. I don’t want to seem like I’m spoilt and truly want the best for my siblings and myself. Jazak’Allah Khair

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
24 minutes ago, Panzerwaffe said:

I'm so glad I grew up in Pakistan and didn't move to US until I was an adult 

What kind of friends do your parents have ?

My parents aren’t the type of people to socialise but, my mother has a close friend who thinks my mother should track my every move down, because she does that to her daughter(shes younger than me by a 2-3 years) as she doesn’t want her going “off rails” but mash’Allah shes a decent young girl 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is actually quite common. As mentioned by Hussain, you'd have to sit down and have a chat with them but try to see where they're coming from. They could be this way because they realize you're leaving the nest and they're becoming emotional over it, or because they genuinely believe you need to be constrained, in which case means they lack faith in you. If you and your parents are rational people, you can be diplomatic and negotiate with each other otherwise it'll become an emotional show-down. 

Do not be mistaken, no matter your age, your father does have authority over you. Until your married, that'll change. That is not to say, limiting your freedom and controlling you is justifiable. You'll pretty much need to try negotiating, but if they persist, you can try to see if someone else can persuade them on your behalf, someone they listen to. An uncle or aunt perhaps. Heck, maybe even a sheikh. Or of course, you can become rebellious and fight for your constraints to be loosened but that'll be the less pragmatic road. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Trust me you will only know how it feels after you have kids of your own.No parent wants their kid to go through any physical or emotional trauma.You might it find it hard but your parents are trying to do the best they can to limit any potential harm to you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
10 hours ago, YaAliMadad110786 said:

My parents aren’t the type of people to socialise but, my mother has a close friend who thinks my mother should track my every move down, because she does that to her daughter(shes younger than me by a 2-3 years) as she doesn’t want her going “off rails” but mash’Allah shes a decent young girl 

Yes that's part of the problem 

Your patents need more diverse friend group

My parents gave me complete freedom at 13 yr old and same experience with many of my other friends and even though we grew up in pak in our circle Etoh promiscuity drugs were all was readily available we were never really into it

But our parents didn't try to stifle us so we didn't rebel against Them

Edited by Panzerwaffe

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand your situation with the hanging out aspect, and even though I'm in my 20s I still have the same strict hanging out rules as I did in high school. But it's slightly better since my mom won't call or suddenly show up to see if I'm really where I say I am or with who I say I am with like she did when I was in high school. I think she finally learned to trust me alhamdollilah. 

I'm already introverted, but as I've grown older I've naturally become less concerned about hanging out with friends in person, and also you and your friends get very busy as adults, so you have less time to hang out... So maybe you'll feel like that too sooner or later.

Edited by Lilly14

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/20/2020 at 7:16 PM, YaAliMadad110786 said:

Assalamualaikum, I have a problem. I live in the UK and I am now considered as an adult (18 turning 19). However my parents see it differently. I respect their beliefs, but it can get pretty extreme at times. From a young age, me and my siblings have been very dependant on our parents and at the time, we felt protected and knew we had our parents standing behind us no matter what happens! But growing up, I realised my parents had bought me up differently compared to my classmates(Muslim or not.) My mum would pack my bags and do my homework for me sometimes. My mum was against me showing by myself till I was 13! I do love both of my parents and I’m not going to deny that. As I grew older and older, my parents kept a close eye on me(which I totally understand) but now it is somewhat getting out of control. My parents do not trust me. I’ve not had the best grades in the past but I work hard and my grades are getting better and better Alhumdullilah, I help around the house, and try to be an obedient daughter. My father doesn’t trust me, when he drops me off to college, he doesn’t leave till I’m fully inside. I haven’t done anything for them to feel like that. I try to avoid I

nteracting with the opposite gender unless its needed, and my group of friends are decent, I’ve never hung out with the wrong crowd. They won’t even let me leave their sight if I go outside. I decided to walk outside for 5 minutes and my dad came running after me using the excuse theres stabbings around and people go missing. I get that but then when he sees girls my age go out with their friends, even if its just to go out and eat, they think its not decent. They allow me to go out with one of my friends, and they have to drop me off, and SEE I’m actually with her and not with anyone else. My mum always talks about how she wants me to get married within the next few years but I want to be independent before that so I don’t have to depend on anyone when times get rough. I don’t want to seem like I’m spoilt and truly want the best for my siblings and myself. Jazak’Allah Khair

Wa alaikum salam,

I completely understand exactly how you're feeling, and it sucks. I'm 19 turning 20, and my parents are still the overprotective type. But I want to give you really solid advice on how to get through this.

Last year when I stepped into uni, some things were difficult. And one main aspect was my parents, who were constantly getting suspicious even if I was just studying at a library, so I really understand the struggle. Now, one thing that did bother them the most was my interactions with the opposite gender. I got in trouble a number of times for working with them and texting them which they found out somehow. I tried to convince them that it was only about studies and nothing else, but they still found an excuse to make it seem like it was some atrocious act even though I know deep down I did nothing wrong. It still gets to me sometimes, because I was tired of trying to make them understand that I'm not longer in a private school, this is freaking uni for crying out loud. It was really stressful, and on top of that I had way too much studies to even be messing around in the first place. This led to a lot of lying too.

And then I realised that the reason why my parents never trust me was because of lack of communication. That was the missing piece. The more you don't choose to speak up, the more they'll think you're hiding something. I always knew about this at the back of my head, but I never even tried because I felt like they were always hard headed. So I didn't bother. But using alot of communication makes a difference. I'm not saying you should tell them EVERYTHING that goes on in your life, but include the things that they'd expect to hear, like how hard your studies are and what you learnt in your lectures today. I used to complain to them that it has always been difficult for me, so that they know I'm actually putting in the effort rather than wasting time. 

YOU NEED TO SPEAK UP. Trust me you will regret it. You need to make them understand that you're no longer a child, and your life and future career depends on you being independent. You need to reassure them that there's nothing to worry about. My parents were the type to even disclose the topic of marriage with me. They thought it could distract things and want me to solely focus on my studies. I was the one who chose to open up the topic, because if not now, then when? I made sure to my mum that she should never feel suspicious about this. That is what changed everything, because after the advice she gave me, I knew what they expected now. So you need to do that. You need to tell them right now. They can't just keep having this control over your life, even though they are your parents. You need to show them you're an adult and can rely on yourself.

On 2/20/2020 at 7:16 PM, YaAliMadad110786 said:

I get that but then when he sees girls my age go out with their friends, even if its just to go out and eat, they think its not decent

When I read this, I assumed that you were from an Iraqi background. Because our family also has these customs where its wrong for a girl to go out alone. I know its in other cultures too. This tormented me even as a kid. I never went anywhere out unless that included dragging a parent with me, even if it was with a group of friends. That's just how their mindsets are, they were born in a completely different generation and so they will carry these beliefs with them because they feel like its the best thing.

Your parents aren't going to change instantly, but eventually they are going to have to force themselves accept the changes that you will face now that you've finally stepped into the real world. And that only begins if you choose to speak to them. About everything. I've noticed this within my parents too. So I know its easier said, but try to not worry about it too much. Because things will certainly get better, only if you put in the effort NOW. its all about right now.

I pray that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) makes it easier for you and give you success in the future

fee amanillah

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your parents love you and they don't want to see harm come to you.

Love does not ward off harm.

And love should never be used as an excuse to inhibit somebody.

Your duty as a daughter or son is to listen to your parents, and be dutiful towards your responsibilities.

If they are advising you something that goes against your Deen, or forcing you through coercion, or compelling you to do something against your will, this goes against Islam, Whether you're a man or a woman. 

You have to be able to exercise a level of independent will, not free will but will.

Here's a suggestion, ask your father to escort you to the doors of the University use this as a quality time to bond with him. I'm pretty sure he'll love it.

As a Man my father and younger brother worry about my safety. 

We plan for our education, we plan for our financial future, plan for a career but in the West we want to leave marriage to random, mashallah.

Nothing wrong to discuss marriage with your mother. Invite your friends for dinner, invite the parents of your friends for dinner. Let them know what community you're associating with, solicit their opinion of parents it's valuable. 

All parents want to live through their children's lives vicariously, but you as a child of your parents have to guard against them trying to co-opt your life.

Salam

God bless you

Your brother in Islam

Azizaliallah 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@YaAliMadad110786 have you ever considered that your parents are just worried about you? I understand how annoying and horrible it can be, I have overprotective parents too. But as I've matured, ive realised the reason why my mum waited until I was with my friends or waited for a text from me to confirm I was with them, wasnt because she was afraid I was with a guy, but because she was afraid that someone might do something to me. Parents, especially mothers, worry alot. If they want to make sure you're with your friends until they leave you, chances are they just want to make sure you're not alone because alot of horrible things can happen to you when you are alone,  even in public. You think if they honestly thought you were meeting up with a guy theyd just wait till they see you with your friend? They don’t know that you could easily meet up with a guy after they see you with a girl and leave? Imo they're just worried and too over protective, like many Muslim parents. I'm not saying the way they treat you is great, but you need to rationalise it. If they really don’t trust you, there must be a reason. Otherwise, it's just fear and worry for your safety. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/21/2020 at 9:39 AM, 3wliya_maryam said:

Wa alaikum salam,

I completely understand exactly how you're feeling, and it sucks. I'm 19 turning 20, and my parents are still the overprotective type. But I want to give you really solid advice on how to get through this.

Last year when I stepped into uni, some things were difficult. And one main aspect was my parents, who were constantly getting suspicious even if I was just studying at a library, so I really understand the struggle. Now, one thing that did bother them the most was my interactions with the opposite gender. I got in trouble a number of times for working with them and texting them which they found out somehow. I tried to convince them that it was only about studies and nothing else, but they still found an excuse to make it seem like it was some atrocious act even though I know deep down I did nothing wrong. It still gets to me sometimes, because I was tired of trying to make them understand that I'm not longer in a private school, this is freaking uni for crying out loud. It was really stressful, and on top of that I had way too much studies to even be messing around in the first place. This led to a lot of lying too.

And then I realised that the reason why my parents never trust me was because of lack of communication. That was the missing piece. The more you don't choose to speak up, the more they'll think you're hiding something. I always knew about this at the back of my head, but I never even tried because I felt like they were always hard headed. So I didn't bother. But using alot of communication makes a difference. I'm not saying you should tell them EVERYTHING that goes on in your life, but include the things that they'd expect to hear, like how hard your studies are and what you learnt in your lectures today. I used to complain to them that it has always been difficult for me, so that they know I'm actually putting in the effort rather than wasting time. 

YOU NEED TO SPEAK UP. Trust me you will regret it. You need to make them understand that you're no longer a child, and your life and future career depends on you being independent. You need to reassure them that there's nothing to worry about. My parents were the type to even disclose the topic of marriage with me. They thought it could distract things and want me to solely focus on my studies. I was the one who chose to open up the topic, because if not now, then when? I made sure to my mum that she should never feel suspicious about this. That is what changed everything, because after the advice she gave me, I knew what they expected now. So you need to do that. You need to tell them right now. They can't just keep having this control over your life, even though they are your parents. You need to show them you're an adult and can rely on yourself.

When I read this, I assumed that you were from an Iraqi background. Because our family also has these customs where its wrong for a girl to go out alone. I know its in other cultures too. This tormented me even as a kid. I never went anywhere out unless that included dragging a parent with me, even if it was with a group of friends. That's just how their mindsets are, they were born in a completely different generation and so they will carry these beliefs with them because they feel like its the best thing.

Your parents aren't going to change instantly, but eventually they are going to have to force themselves accept the changes that you will face now that you've finally stepped into the real world. And that only begins if you choose to speak to them. About everything. I've noticed this within my parents too. So I know its easier said, but try to not worry about it too much. Because things will certainly get better, only if you put in the effort NOW. its all about right now.

I pray that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) makes it easier for you and give you success in the future

fee amanillah

I read through all of that and oh my, that sounds a lot like my own parents. They don’t mind my interaction with the opposite gender as long as its about the work and I don’t talk to them outside college premises. I’m from a Pakistani background. I have tried to talk to them about this but they constantly brush it away saying something bad will happen to me. I forgot to mention, a Muslim teacher was speaking to my mother and was telling her good things about me and considered me “different” from the other girls as in, I don’t get into relationships etc. Made my mother feel good but still doesn’t trust me. Occassionally tells me that girls mess up if they go outside alone or with friends.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest sorry!Monad

I will look forward to your rebellious posts soons. Parents worry, but they think prison is a good state of mind. Eventually two things will occur. Either you become an obedient slave who has no rational decision making skills or you rebel and destroy your own life. From a biological stand point you became a man when you hit puberty. What you should worry and work on is your mind and choices that you make. Get a part time job and some extra circular activites. Time to go out into the real world and deal with real people, who WILL always CHALLENGE you because you are competing with others for the best things in life. To understand humans we have to interact with them. Your parents lack human skills, thus their impression of reality is what they see on the TV. Just like most of us.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/21/2020 at 12:05 PM, azizaliallah said:

Your parents love you and they don't want to see harm come to you.

Love does not ward off harm.

And love should never be used as an excuse to inhibit somebody.

Your duty as a daughter or son is to listen to your parents, and be dutiful towards your responsibilities.

If they are advising you something that goes against your Deen, or forcing you through coercion, or compelling you to do something against your will, this goes against Islam, Whether you're a man or a woman. 

You have to be able to exercise a level of independent will, not free will but will.

Here's a suggestion, ask your father to escort you to the doors of the University use this as a quality time to bond with him. I'm pretty sure he'll love it.

As a Man my father and younger brother worry about my safety. 

We plan for our education, we plan for our financial future, plan for a career but in the West we want to leave marriage to random, mashallah.

Nothing wrong to discuss marriage with your mother. Invite your friends for dinner, invite the parents of your friends for dinner. Let them know what community you're associating with, solicit their opinion of parents it's valuable. 

All parents want to live through their children's lives vicariously, but you as a child of your parents have to guard against them trying to co-opt your life.

Salam

God bless you

Your brother in Islam

Azizaliallah 

I do agree with your points. No doubt my parents do love me and I do respect them a lot. They mean the world to me. But sometimes I do feel like their overprotection can feel overbearing if you know what I mean? I always obey them regardless but I have been trying to speak to them, in a polite manner.

They know one of my friends and her parents, don’t mind me being with her( which I’m truly grateful for) and whenever I do talk to my friends other than her, I will make sure my mum can hear some parts of our conversation so she knows I’m not with bad company. 

I just would like to be able to go out and be independent just so in time of need, I wont need to struggle.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, peace4alltheworld said:

Trust me you will only know how it feels after you have kids of your own.No parent wants their kid to go through any physical or emotional trauma.You might it find it hard but your parents are trying to do the best they can to limit any potential harm to you.

 

20 hours ago, Hussain_ said:

Eventually you’ll have to sit down with them and tell them what’s on your mind and how you feel about it

Insha’Allah they understand this time. I’ve spoken to them on many occasions but they are very stubborn and think I’m being silly.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/21/2020 at 4:21 PM, YaAliMadad110786 said:

I just would like to be able to go out and be independent just so in time of need, I wont need to struggle.

Be patient strive to assume as much responsibility as you possibly can, learn how to communicate and work on building adult relationship with your parents.

Best of luck

Salam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 2/21/2020 at 4:17 PM, Guest sorry!Monad said:

I will look forward to your rebellious posts soons. Parents worry, but they think prison is a good state of mind. Eventually two things will occur. Either you become an obedient slave who has no rational decision making skills or you rebel and destroy your own life. From a biological stand point you became a man when you hit puberty. What you should worry and work on is your mind and choices that you make. Get a part time job and some extra circular activites. Time to go out into the real world and deal with real people, who WILL always CHALLENGE you because you are competing with others for the best things in life. To understand humans we have to interact with them. Your parents lack human skills, thus their impression of reality is what they see on the TV. Just like most of us.

Salam and greetings,

I am not a rebellious person, I do obey my parents a lot, and insha’Allah maybe one day they will understand my point of view. I will prove it through my patience but I will also stick up for what I believe in. I am a woman btw. But yes I get your point of view and I am looking into a part time job right now. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Please with due respect they are not chaining you up or keeping your intellect restrained all the good folks are doing is limiting the possibilities that you hurt yourself emotionally.Life is also a teacher but it hurts and then teaches you.So please keep that in mind.I have seen a lot of people whose parents of let them learn on their own get hurt emotionally and physically.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Panzerwaffe said:

Yes that's part of the problem 

Your patents need more diverse friend group

My parents gave me complete freedom at 13 yr old and same experience with many of my other friends and even though we grew up in pak in our circle Etoh promiscuity drugs were all was readily available we were never really into it

But our parents didn't try to stifle us so we didn't rebel against Them

My dads friends are more conservative in thinking. But yes, they have no interest in mixing with people unless they have too(weddings, etc) but will avoid going there in the first place (minus funerals as they do pay their respect to the deceased and their family) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, YaAliMadad110786 said:

My dads friends are more conservative in thinking. But yes, they have no interest in mixing with people unless they have too(weddings, etc) but will avoid going there in the first place (minus funerals as they do pay their respect to the deceased and their family) 

Why don’t u take them to mixed ethnic group Muslim gatherings at ur local Islamic center and or mosque ?

Or depending on where you like a book club or hiking group ? Halal activities but may broaden their horizon ?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, peace4alltheworld said:

Please with due respect they are not chaining you up or keeping your intellect restrained all the good folks are doing is limiting the possibilities that you hurt yourself emotionally.Life is also a teacher but it hurts and then teaches you.So please keep that in mind.I have seen a lot of people whose parents of let them learn on their own get hurt emotionally and physically.

True stay within your financial safety net 

But socially explore the world too, don’t live under a rock either 

I personally would be more protective of my boys than girls,  in the west esp girls have all the advantages 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, YaAliMadad110786 said:

 

Insha’Allah they understand this time. I’ve spoken to them on many occasions but they are very stubborn and think I’m being silly.

Parents, especially Muslim immigrant parents, can be very authoritarian, due to fear and their impulse to always protect their child. Trust me, I’ve been through a good amount of it too. I’m sure you know they have good intentions, but you also just because they have good intentions doesn’t make everything all fine and dandy. You need to push, but not push too hard, because they may retaliate. If you don’t push at all, then they’ll continue to do what they’re doing and you’ll stay suffering. Staying patient doesn’t mean don’t do anything, because you’re being affected and you are important too. If it’s having a negative effect, then you need to let them know. And if they don’t listen to you/make it about themselves then we might be talking narcissism here. But I’m sure if you push hard enough and get them to listen, then they’ll understand. There needs to be a balance between your needs and your parents feelings, and true negotiation is the best way to do it. 
 

it’s the parents’ job to take care of their children. If you get them to realize how negative they’re being, they’ll understand. Sometimes protecting your child is exactly the WRONG thing to do. They need to understand that. I’m sure you’ll be successful.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Before anyone thinks I’m disobedient or spoilt. I promise I am not! I don’t just walk out the door and disobey my parents. I listen to them. But I can tell my upbringing has somewhat destroyed my confidence of talking to people outside(such as shopkeeper or bus driver for a ticket) as I’ve become so used to the idea of having someone with me and speaking for me at times. I don’t want to live like this forever, and yes I have tried to speak to my parents

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

she was afraid that someone might do something to me. Parents, especially mothers, worry alot.

That's exactly why many of us adult Muslim girls, and sometimes adult Muslim guys, have to abide by the same rules as we did when we were little kids (no sleepovers, no visiting friend's homes without a parent, etc) and teens (no overnight school field trips, no dorms, don't go out alone at night, etc). And from all the insane and scary incidents people who didn't have parents like ours share on social media, I now agree that it's better to be safe than sorry, and I don't resent my mom for how she raised me or that she's still very protective.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
5 hours ago, YaAliMadad110786 said:

Before anyone thinks I’m disobedient or spoilt. I promise I am not! I don’t just walk out the door and disobey my parents. I listen to them. But I can tell my upbringing has somewhat destroyed my confidence of talking to people outside(such as shopkeeper or bus driver for a ticket) as I’ve become so used to the idea of having someone with me and speaking for me at times. I don’t want to live like this forever, and yes I have tried to speak to my parents

this will lead to you resenting your parents

have you considered getting married ? maybe that will give you a break from your parents 

even ask them you want to get married preferably to a boy of your age and liking 

Edited by Panzerwaffe

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Lilly14 said:

That's exactly why many of us adult Muslim girls, and sometimes adult Muslim guys, have to abide by the same rules as we did when we were little kids (no sleepovers, no visiting friend's homes without a parent, etc) and teens (no overnight school field trips, no dorms, don't go out alone at night, etc). And from all the insane and scary incidents people who didn't have parents like ours share on social media, I now agree that it's better to be safe than sorry, and I don't resent my mom for how she raised me or that she's still very protective.

I know of several examples where kids of overprotecting deeply religious Muslim parents went totally off the rails and either got in trouble with the law or had mental/physical health injuries due to their behavior.

This kid is CLEARLY miserable and if her parents are not willing to accommodate her innocuous requests or atleast willing to meet her half way then they are asking for it.But I do agree with them her only way out this is probably to get married as they are unlikely going to change now.

 

Edited by Panzerwaffe

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Salam also read 

His Supplication for his Parents (upon the two of them be peace) by Imam Sajjad (عليه السلام) & try to apply it step by step in your life

5 hours ago, YaAliMadad110786 said:

Before anyone thinks I’m disobedient or spoilt. I promise I am not! I don’t just walk out the door and disobey my parents. I listen to them. But I can tell my upbringing has somewhat destroyed my confidence of talking to people outside(such as shopkeeper or bus driver for a ticket) as I’ve become so used to the idea of having someone with me and speaking for me at times. I don’t want to live like this forever, and yes I have tried to speak to my parents

http://www.duas.org/sajjadiya/s24.htm

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
19 hours ago, Panzerwaffe said:

I know of several examples where kids of overprotecting deeply religious Muslim parents went totally off the rails and either got in trouble with the law or had mental/physical health injuries due to their behavior.

This kid is CLEARLY miserable and if her parents are not willing to accommodate her innocuous requests or atleast willing to meet her half way then they are asking for it.But I do agree with them her only way out this is probably to get married as they are unlikely going to change now.

Maybe there was an entire childhood of abuse, isolation, or oppression involved in those cases. My mom was very affectionate and the only place in my life she was strict about was hanging out, and even then, I wasn't deprived of social interaction outside of school growing up and had neighbor friends, friends in the mosque, and friends on the school girl's soccer team in certain periods of my life.  

I was miserable sometimes as a teen too because I didn't want my mom around when I was hanging out, but I moved passed it in college because we were busy and my friends mostly moved out of the city, but thanks to the internet/phones we could still keep in touch. But I can understand her feelings since obviously we didn't share the exact same circumstances in life, and she is more concerned about the importance of being proficient in day to day social interaction required of an adult, which I didn't care much about since I'm a type B personality and I figured I'd learn it slowly with practice, which I find college helps with.

--------------------

I really hope you don't get coerced into a marriage you don't want. Not to mention, as women we are not guaranteed to get more freedom after marriage, because in some instances, husbands are just as, if not more restrictive as our parents. So, if you do decide to get married, you might have to get the freedoms you want clearly stated on your nikah contract so that, for example, you don't need your husband's permission to travel or work after you marry him. @YaAliMadad110786

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
3 hours ago, Lilly14 said:

Maybe there was an entire childhood of abuse, isolation, or oppression involved in those cases. My mom was very affectionate and the only place in my life she was strict about was hanging out, and even then, I wasn't deprived of social interaction outside of school growing up and had neighbor friends, friends in the mosque, and friends on the school girl's soccer team in certain periods of my life.  

I was miserable sometimes as a teen too because I didn't want my mom around when I was hanging out, but I moved passed it in college because we were busy and my friends mostly moved out of the city, but thanks to the internet/phones we could still keep in touch. But I can understand her feelings since obviously we didn't share the exact same circumstances in life, and she is more concerned about the importance of being proficient in day to day social interaction required of an adult, which I didn't care much about since I'm a type B personality and I figured I'd learn it slowly with practice, which I find college helps with.

--------------------

I really hope you don't get coerced into a marriage you don't want. Not to mention, as women we are not guaranteed to get more freedom after marriage, because in some instances, husbands are just as, if not more restrictive as our parents. So, if you do decide to get married, you might have to get the freedoms you want clearly stated on your nikah contract so that, for example, you don't need your husband's permission to travel or work after you marry him. @YaAliMadad110786

Aww bless you! Hope all is well! I’ve considered getting married BUT as I do come from an Indo-Pak society and I am a SYED, my parents forbid me from marrying out and that itself is hard enough, as not many of the syed men are very open minded, even around my own age. A lot have ego about it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So I don’t want to rush into marriage just yet but have considered it. Another problem is, I come from the indo-pak society, and I am A SYED woman. A lot of men even around my own age have a lot of ego about being syed,(may Allah forgive me but) there character usually doesn’t match their bloodline. My family are extremely strict about this matter, and WILL disown me and they rather I die(I’ve seen this happen in the past) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...