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WisdomAndAnswers

If the person you are going to marry had a horrible family

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What would you do if say you were marrying a guy who had a horrible family but the guy was a kind hearted person. During the whole situation, the guy didn’t get any support from his family during the engagement and after. The sister of the guy was the one who introduced him to the girl. Later on she had told him that she lied to the girl about getting her presents and such in order to accept her brother and that he should be happy. The guy gets really angry with the family. It turned out that the mother of the guy she was marrying was cold to her son and didn’t not care about helping him with anything. 
 

The whole family turned out to be really selfish and greedy and only cared about themselves. The mom is also verbally abusive towards the son. The guy who was getting married got upset with the mom and sister and told his future wife that he’s going to block them out of his life inshallah and they will both live happily together.

What would you do if you were put into that situation? Would you leave the guy because of his family? If you loved him would you ignore everything else and stay with him? If he’s a really good guy would everything else not matter? How would you live your life so that you don’t have to include his family? 

Edited by WisdomAndAnswers

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Family is very important to me personally. I know it sounds harsh but I would want to marry a girl who has the support from her family. Sometimes before marriage we tend to overlook many things and have this "superhero" attitude. However, we need to be honest with ourselves. It depends on the individual and their personal preference and capabilities. If someone isn't too big on families to start with then it's alright.

I've grown up living with all my cousins and always socialising with family. In my childhood I didn't even have friends coz of family lol. Therefore, strong family relations has shaped me into the person I am today. It's just too important for me to risk it.

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On 2/18/2020 at 9:27 PM, AkhiraisReal said:

Presents is not something to look for when getting married.

In Islam breaking family ties is bad, what the limits are I don't know. 

Many couples have got divorced because of in laws. Others have managed it well. 

Thank you for your answer

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7 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Family is very important to me personally. I know it sounds harsh but I would want to marry a girl who has the support from her family. Sometimes before marriage we tend to overlook many things and have this "superhero" attitude. However, we need to be honest with ourselves. It depends on the individual and their personal preference and capabilities. If someone isn't too big on families to start with then it's alright.

I've grown up living with all my cousins and always socialising with family. In my childhood I didn't even have friends coz of family lol. Therefore, strong family relations has shaped me into the person I am today. It's just too important for me to risk it.

I agree with you. I think family is so important, this is why I find the situation so complicated. 

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10 hours ago, WisdomAndAnswers said:

What would you do if say you were marrying a guy who had a horrible family but the guy was a kind hearted person. During the whole situation, the guy didn’t get any support from his family during the engagement and after. The sister of the guy was the one who introduced him to the girl. Later on she had told him that she lied to the girl about getting her presents and such in order to accept her brother and that he should be happy. The guy gets really angry with the family. It turned out that the mother of the guy she was marrying was cold to her son and didn’t not care about helping him with anything. 
 

The whole family turned out to be really selfish and greedy and only cared about themselves. The mom is also verbally abusive towards the son. The guy who was getting married got upset with the mom and sister and told his future wife that he’s going to block them out of his life inshallah and they will both live happily together.

What would you do if you were put into that situation? Would you leave the guy because of his family? If you loved him would you ignore everything else and stay with him? If he’s a really good guy would everything else not matter? How would you live your life so that you don’t have to include his family? 

Yes it does seem complicated. And there is a possibility that the guy who suffered from abuse may have mental health problems like anger management. So yeah its quite risky.

If he's a really good guy as you say, then obviously I have to get to know him more first and whether he is meant to be in my life or not. The rest is up to Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). If I truly loved him, and wanted to fight for him regardless of what his family says, then we both need to be aware of the fact that there are going to be many obstacles in the way that could potentially jeopardise our relationship. We have to be fully prepared for that and take action if we must. And then whatever happens definitely happens for a good reason, all part of Allah's plan.

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I'm not sure. I think it depends on what was promised. Like if his family promised to pitch in for the normal wedding expenses (rings, venue, catering etc) and now they say won't pitch in at all, can he pitch in something himself, so that it's not just my family paying for everything? 

About his family's attitude, I'd hesitate about what to do, and discuss that with my mom in depth since she has much more personal life experience, and surely knows couples who went through similar situations and how it worked out for them. 

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On 2/19/2020 at 7:22 PM, Lilly14 said:

I'm not sure. I think it depends on what was promised. Like if his family promised to pitch in for the normal wedding expenses (rings, venue, catering etc) and now they say won't pitch in at all, can he pitch in something himself, so that it's not just my family paying for everything? 

About his family's attitude, I'd hesitate about what to do, and discuss that with my mom in depth since she has much more personal life experience, and surely knows couples who went through similar situations and how it worked out for them. 

Thank you for your answer. He was going to pinch in for the wedding. He was actually planning to do more for the wedding than his family. His family just pretended to help so that they can look good in front of other people.

My mom never liked the mom and his sister from the start. It’s a long story on how it worked out in the end. But his sister and mother are very sneaky and shady. His sister fought with him just because my mother spoke out to his mother. The sister and mother told him in their own words “we lied to them about getting gold when we came back from our travels so that they can accept you.”

I’m not completely upset about they didn’t get but it’s just the sneakiness and the lies that really upset me. 

Edited by WisdomAndAnswers

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On 2/19/2020 at 8:58 AM, 3wliya_maryam said:

Yes it does seem complicated. And there is a possibility that the guy who suffered from abuse may have mental health problems like anger management. So yeah its quite risky.

If he's a really good guy as you say, then obviously I have to get to know him more first and whether he is meant to be in my life or not. The rest is up to Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). If I truly loved him, and wanted to fight for him regardless of what his family says, then we both need to be aware of the fact that there are going to be many obstacles in the way that could potentially jeopardise our relationship. We have to be fully prepared for that and take action if we must. And then whatever happens definitely happens for a good reason, all part of Allah's plan.

Thank you so much for your answer and time 

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Imam Hasan (as):

The man who consulted with him about his daughter's marriage said: "Give her to a virtuous pious man  if he loves your daughter he will cherish her, and if he does not, he will not oppress her."

Makarim Al Akhlaq , v 1 , p 446

زَوِّجْها مِن رَجُلٍ تَقِیٍّ، فإنّهُ إن أحَبَّها أکرَمَها وإن أبغَضَها لَم یَظلِمْها. مکارم الاخلاق، ج١، ص٤٤٦

 

Imam Baqir (عليه السلام) : Marry with someone who you like his ethical and religion, your refusal to marry him  will lead to great sedition and corruption in society.

Kafi , v5 , p 347

فَهِمْتُ مَا ذکرت مِنْ أَمْرِ بناتک وانک لَا تَجِدُ أَحَداً مثلک فَلَا تَنْظُرْ فی ذلک رحمتک اللَّهِ فَانٍ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ قَالَ : اذا جاءکم مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ خلْقِهِ وَ دینه فَزَوِّجُوهُ الَّا تَفْعَلُوا تکن فتنه فی الارض وَ فَسادُ کبیر  کافی،ج٥،ص٣٤٧

https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/251512/بهترین-ازدواج-از-نگاه-پیامبر-سه-مساله-ای-که-نباید-آن-را-به-شوخی

https://hedayatgar.ir/fa/news/439/صفات-اخلاقی-مرد-شایسته-از-دیدگاه-اسلام

 

Edited by Ashvazdanghe

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On 2/23/2020 at 4:55 AM, Ashvazdanghe said:

Imam Hasan (as):

The man who consulted with him about his daughter's marriage said: "Give her to a virtuous pious man  if he loves your daughter he will cherish her, and if he does not, he will not oppress her."

Makarim Al Akhlaq , v 1 , p 446

زَوِّجْها مِن رَجُلٍ تَقِیٍّ، فإنّهُ إن أحَبَّها أکرَمَها وإن أبغَضَها لَم یَظلِمْها. مکارم الاخلاق، ج١، ص٤٤٦

 

Imam Baqir (عليه السلام) : Marry with someone who you like his ethical and religion, your refusal to marry him  will lead to great sedition and corruption in society.

Kafi , v5 , p 347

فَهِمْتُ مَا ذکرت مِنْ أَمْرِ بناتک وانک لَا تَجِدُ أَحَداً مثلک فَلَا تَنْظُرْ فی ذلک رحمتک اللَّهِ فَانٍ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ قَالَ : اذا جاءکم مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ خلْقِهِ وَ دینه فَزَوِّجُوهُ الَّا تَفْعَلُوا تکن فتنه فی الارض وَ فَسادُ کبیر  کافی،ج٥،ص٣٤٧

https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/251512/بهترین-ازدواج-از-نگاه-پیامبر-سه-مساله-ای-که-نباید-آن-را-به-شوخی

https://hedayatgar.ir/fa/news/439/صفات-اخلاقی-مرد-شایسته-از-دیدگاه-اسلام

 

Thank you!  

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The family will cause trouble from time to time, never help, and you can safely expect that from them. If your spouse is independent and also not particularly fond of them then a lot of that will be mitigated. But if not then its a point that can not be ignored. Soon there will be strife with say his sister or his parents and there will definitely be "either us or her" said to your husband. Bad things happen some times at that point.

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In my culture we say you don't marry a person, you marry their entire clan. Yani, whether or not these people will be in your life directly or not, in the end there will be some mutual connections and inter relationships that are inescapable, particularly islamically. 

Whether or not you are ready for a challenge and can handle it (plenty of people do, plenty also fail so it can go either way) is an entirely different matter.

I know a woman who had an issue of violent abusive people in her husband's family and a drug abuser. It was very difficult for her when kids came along. Here is an uncle/aunt who the kids love and whom you are terrified of them being around...

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