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In the Name of God بسم الله

Please help me. Wise opinions is what I need

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I am so sorry to hear this. Honestly this is so heartbreaking. My opinion would be to open your heart to both your parents, tears and everything. If youve already done this and it hadn't worked you need to include a senior person into this conversation the next time you have it, a marja, a person of religious seniority in your community, an aunt or an uncle or a grandparent. Maybe a family friends parent, someone close whose also the age of or older than your father. 

 

If there isn't someone like this in your situation who you can ask for help from, then talk to the guy and tell him of the situation. Ask him whether his family can talk to your father to push the subject towards marriage between you two. Tell the guy to tell his parents about your situation. If you can’t take them into trust about this situation, maybe they're not the right family/guy for you. Because remember, once you get married you also form relationships with his family. Maybe this is Allah's way of showing you they won't have your back in life, or maybe it will show they do. 

 

This is all I can say. Prayers are with you :( Insha Allah everything will be fixed soon. 

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  • 3 months later...
  • Advanced Member
Posted (edited)

Walaikum Assalam,

You'll find many parents are sort of racist, in a sense that they want you to marry someone from the same culture. One person from my community, married a girl (different nationality) whose probably better than all the girls from his same nationality, and they didn't like that and now the community started doing some heavy Gheebah. It's so sad to see this happen. We as a shia community have to take lessons from the imams of the ahlulbayt ((عليه السلام).) because you'll find that they wanted to destroy this racism. So what they did was start marrying women from other cultures and nationalities. For example, Imam Hussein married a woman, Shahzannan, and she was from Persia, he could've easily married someone from his tribe but he didn't, to destroy this racism. You'll also find imam Ali Rida's mother was from north Africa (non arab)(imam kazims wife) and the list doesnt stop there. Imams after him also married women from non arab areas. You could inform your parents about this in regards to the fact that even the imams married those who were not even the same nationality. You should also take into consideration that everyone will be judged based on the piety and not their nationality. One of the imams even said to his relatives that just because you're my blood relatives doesnt mean you are saved, only your piety can help, even people of great lineages are judged based on their piety not name, this is what the imam meant. These are just some things you can tell your parents. The imams showed that there is no problem in marrying people who are not of the same nationality. Hopefully this is something you can tell your parents and something they can learn from. InshAllah this can help you.

With Duas and Salams.

Edited by ShiaofAli12
Added One of the imams and so on.
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Posted (edited)

This is one of those cases where you need to be strong and make a firm / tough stand. From what you said, it is obvious to me that your parents are playing a game with you. They object to you marrying this guy, but they realize their objections are based on nothing legitimate. So they are not willing to come out to you or publicly and make a case based on religion / logic why they object to this guy. So they are playing the waiting game, hoping you will give up and forget about him. It has worked so far. If you don't stand up for yourself in this case, this will probably go on for another 4 years, maybe indefinitely.

What you need to do is 'force their hand' as they say here in the US. What this means is that you have to force them to either agree and bless the marriage or make their objections / case public as to why they don't want you to marry him. You do this by being honest with them and saying that you are going to start making arrangements for the wedding. If they won't cooperate, you will do this on your own or with other family members who will help you. Then you send them an invitation card that says, 'You are invited to the wedding of ___ and ___ , with the time and the date. At this point, they will probably 'blow their top off' and get upset but it will also 'force their hand' and they will have to stop sitting on the fence and choose one side or the other.

There is a rule of logic and discourse which is universal and can be applied in this case. 'Silence equals consent'. If your parents have not voiced their objections to your marriage and made their case, you can assume (for the purpose of your stand) that they consent to the marriage. You can even tell them this. 'I take your silence as consenting to the marriage'. At that point, if they are objecting, they will raise their objections, and then you can deal with them. If he is muslim / Shia / practicing and is not a criminal / con man then their objections are most likely not legitimate, which is why they are choosing the route they are choosing. Again, this is just my guess based on what you posted. 

Salam.  

Edited by Abu Hadi
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