Please help me. Wise opinions is what I need

[Maryamayram]

Salam everyone. Please read this, any kind words will help, I promise you. I know it’s very long but there is soo much emotions going through my head at the moment 
 

4 years ago, I found someone perfect for marriage. We told our parents 1 month after. I’m Iraqi & he is Lebanese. We knew it would be an issue but we are both Shia and we just knew this is the right choice for each other. 
when I told my dad, I was crying. I told him he’s a great man & a great family. He has so much deen in him, has a great character and very family oriented. My dads problem was only the nationality & our generation talk about us. Which aren’t valid for him to reject it. 3 1/2 years later, he allowed for him to come over and he absolutely loved him. He said as soon as I laid my eyes on him, I knew he was a very innocent good guy. Which is great right? 
It’s been 1 month since they came over twice and my dad is making this his last priority! He wants to go overseas, and my mum keeps telling him to go after I get married but it seems he gets annoyed when my mum talks to him about it. He will talk about my brother getting married but not me. So again, my mum would said stop talking about our son when our daughter is more than ready to get married, his family is waiting to hear from us. 
 

this situation in my life has broken me soo many times. I have cried over it way too many times, I will act like I’m not hurt infront of anyone, as I’m driving off crying my eyes out in the car. Everytime I smile I’m dying inside. I feel so drained, this is not far.. 4 years is way too long to wait when I was ready so early on. It’s not fair to me or him or his family. I don’t know why my dad isn’t making this his priority. I know what sabr is and I am, I mean 4 whole years of sabr but it’s sooo hard. I’m still doing my duties of being the perfect daughter, I help my dad out in any way possible but it’s gone to the point where I will be dropping him of somewhere and I’m literally tearing up driving while he’s in the passenger seat. Doesn’t he know that this is killing me? I have already finished 3 degrees because there’s nothing else to do, I’m ready for marriage, I’m ready for kids, I’m ready to do the duties of a wife. Why from all people, my dad is stopping me.

 

I Don’t  know what to do anymore. My sisters and friends will tell me “omg I would’ve lost my calm if I was you” “how are you so patience” or others will say “just be patience” & it’s starting to make me angry because I’ve been patient for 4 years, Don’t  tell me “there’s no need to rush”. I honestly feel numb. Please someone say something just to make me step back & fall back on wallah. Sometimes I think to myself, why isn’t Allah helping me.. he knows the pain that I’m going through. 

Waiting to hear from you all, thank you for reading this. Btw I’m 24 now. 

[Zellali]

I am so sorry to hear this. Honestly this is so heartbreaking. My opinion would be to open your heart to both your parents, tears and everything. If youve already done this and it hadn't worked you need to include a senior person into this conversation the next time you have it, a marja, a person of religious seniority in your community, an aunt or an uncle or a grandparent. Maybe a family friends parent, someone close whose also the age of or older than your father. 

 

If there isn't someone like this in your situation who you can ask for help from, then talk to the guy and tell him of the situation. Ask him whether his family can talk to your father to push the subject towards marriage between you two. Tell the guy to tell his parents about your situation. If you can’t take them into trust about this situation, maybe they're not the right family/guy for you. Because remember, once you get married you also form relationships with his family. Maybe this is Allah's way of showing you they won't have your back in life, or maybe it will show they do. 

 

This is all I can say. Prayers are with you Insha Allah everything will be fixed soon. 

[ShiaofAli12]

Walaikum Assalam,

You'll find many parents are sort of racist, in a sense that they want you to marry someone from the same culture. One person from my community, married a girl (different nationality) whose probably better than all the girls from his same nationality, and they didn't like that and now the community started doing some heavy Gheebah. It's so sad to see this happen. We as a shia community have to take lessons from the imams of the ahlulbayt ((عليه السلام).) because you'll find that they wanted to destroy this racism. So what they did was start marrying women from other cultures and nationalities. For example, Imam Hussein married a woman, Shahzannan, and she was from Persia, he could've easily married someone from his tribe but he didn't, to destroy this racism. You'll also find imam Ali Rida's mother was from north Africa (non arab)(imam kazims wife) and the list doesnt stop there. Imams after him also married women from non arab areas. You could inform your parents about this in regards to the fact that even the imams married those who were not even the same nationality. You should also take into consideration that everyone will be judged based on the piety and not their nationality. One of the imams even said to his relatives that just because you're my blood relatives doesnt mean you are saved, only your piety can help, even people of great lineages are judged based on their piety not name, this is what the imam meant. These are just some things you can tell your parents. The imams showed that there is no problem in marrying people who are not of the same nationality. Hopefully this is something you can tell your parents and something they can learn from. InshAllah this can help you.

With Duas and Salams.

Edited June 16, 2020 by ShiaofAli12
Added One of the imams and so on.

[Abu Hadi]

This is one of those cases where you need to be strong and make a firm / tough stand. From what you said, it is obvious to me that your parents are playing a game with you. They object to you marrying this guy, but they realize their objections are based on nothing legitimate. So they are not willing to come out to you or publicly and make a case based on religion / logic why they object to this guy. So they are playing the waiting game, hoping you will give up and forget about him. It has worked so far. If you don't stand up for yourself in this case, this will probably go on for another 4 years, maybe indefinitely.

What you need to do is 'force their hand' as they say here in the US. What this means is that you have to force them to either agree and bless the marriage or make their objections / case public as to why they don't want you to marry him. You do this by being honest with them and saying that you are going to start making arrangements for the wedding. If they won't cooperate, you will do this on your own or with other family members who will help you. Then you send them an invitation card that says, 'You are invited to the wedding of ___ and ___ , with the time and the date. At this point, they will probably 'blow their top off' and get upset but it will also 'force their hand' and they will have to stop sitting on the fence and choose one side or the other.

There is a rule of logic and discourse which is universal and can be applied in this case. 'Silence equals consent'. If your parents have not voiced their objections to your marriage and made their case, you can assume (for the purpose of your stand) that they consent to the marriage. You can even tell them this. 'I take your silence as consenting to the marriage'. At that point, if they are objecting, they will raise their objections, and then you can deal with them. If he is muslim / Shia / practicing and is not a criminal / con man then their objections are most likely not legitimate, which is why they are choosing the route they are choosing. Again, this is just my guess based on what you posted. 

Salam.  

Edited June 21, 2020 by Abu Hadi

[Abu_Zahra]

I might have missed this, but have they formally requested your hand? Perhaps that's what it would take to make things move forward.