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In the Name of God بسم الله

I am religious, but my sisters are not - What to do now?

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Guest German Muslim

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Guest German Muslim

I have the following problems in my family:

I am 20 years old and I have three younger sisters (12, 16 and 18) and we were born and live in Germany. I try to live as Islamic a life as possible by following the Islamic rules of conduct, visiting the mosque regularly and co-organizing events in an Islamic youth group.  However, my 16 and 18 year old sisters do not live like this. They do not pray. They do not fast. They do not wear hijab. My 16-year-old sister also has a boyfriend to whom she goes home regularly and only comes back late in the evening (e.g. 11:00 p.m.). However, my 12-year-old sister is not like my other sisters (she prays and wears hijab). But our parents are practicing (that was probably different before I was born). My father is originally from Lebanon and my mother is converted. We come from simple circumstances. My parents never studied. In my opinion the reason for this problem is a lack of knowledge about how to raise children in an Islamic way. Apart from how to pray, we have not been taught anything about Islam. My father's relationship with my two sisters is very bad. They haven't talked to each other for years and we haven't done common activities (e.g. dinner together or holidays together) for years. We have no contact to other Muslim families and I assume that they speak very badly of us (I go alone to the mosque). That was a short summary of the problems.

Personally, I have tolerated this for years. Only when I felt the desire to marry, I realized that this can't go on any longer, because: Which religious woman from a good family would want to marry me when she meets my family?

I have already tried to talk about Islam with my 18-year-old sister. But she does not answer me and apparently does not want to talk to me about it. I also cannot guide people who do not want to be guided. 

When I read the book https://www.al-Islam.org/youth-and-spouse-selection-Ali-Akbar-mazaheri, but in chapter 4 section 3 (and also later in the chapter) no concrete answer to this question is given, I decided to present my problem here.

So my questions are concrete:
- How can I contribute to the guidance of my sister? What should I talk about with them? Should I rather break off the contact completely?
- If the problem is not resolved, they will remain my sisters for the rest of my life. Their bad name and reputation will also be on me. How can I endure their bad reputation?
- Which woman would want to marry me (or which man would want to marry my 12-year-old sister in a few years)? What can I do and how should I proceed?

I am from Germany and not an English native speaker. I am sorry if I have made linguistic mistakes.

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5 hours ago, Guest German Muslim said:

- How can I contribute to the guidance of my sister? What should I talk about with them? Should I rather break off the contact completely?

Salam,

Let me just start by saying that you already did your part. Insisting only makes things worse. Use less words and more action. This includes praying infront of them, or reading the Qur'an loudly if you want to. Islam is all about encouragement, and unfortunately I believe that one of the reasons why the youth do not consider faith is because a lot of our families either make it seem like our religion is forceful or that they're not bothered to teach their kids at all. When forcing a child to pray by using threats or other type of language, it later does more harm than good. Parents should learn to keep an environment that's supportive in faith and other aspects.

5 hours ago, Guest German Muslim said:

- If the problem is not resolved, they will remain my sisters for the rest of my life. Their bad name and reputation will also be on me. How can I endure their bad reputation?

I really do not know how to answer this. What is your mum's view about your sisters, considering that she's a convert. I'm not trying to judge here or make an assumption, but I did hear that a lot of converts are not that religious (there are some who are tho). If people are going to talk, let them talk. Between you and Allah is what matters.

5 hours ago, Guest German Muslim said:

Which woman would want to marry me (or which man would want to marry my 12-year-old sister in a few years)? What can I do and how should I proceed?

There are a lot of good potential women out there. Just give it some time and Insha Allah khair

5 hours ago, Guest German Muslim said:

I am from Germany and not an English native speaker. I am sorry if I have made linguistic mistakes

No mistakes brother your english is perfect mashallah

fee amanillah

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Never give up faith and that your family can change, and keep them in your prayers do that inshaallah Zareey will be guided. But even if they don't, know that an understanding person and/or their family that is considering to marry you knows that they shouldn't judge your iman by your family's iman. The fact that you've kept your iman despite being surrounded by people in your family and community that aren't practicing Muslims says a lot about your will to hang on to your iman mashaallah and alhamdollilah! Inshaallah you fill find an understanding and good spouse one day when it's right! 

P.S. many religious people have family that aren't religious, so it's not as uncommon as you may think!

Edited by Lilly14
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Salam.

Brother protect your younger sister who's 12 who wears hijab and prays. Don't just be an older brother and strict on her, it might make her repel from you. Be her older brother and guide her but also be her best friend so she can be honest with you and ask your for help when needed.

As for your other sisters unfortunately I don't know what advice to give.

Many families have their siblings who don't do their wajib acts unfortunately. All we can do is live by example if they don't listen.

 

 

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Guest WishingYouWell

Love and will power varies person to person.  No one but God and Ahlul Bayt can direct you on how to act to guide others.  It's a skill you adapt to and which you must participate in, the Qur'an has details, don't go to extremes like Yonus blaming himself if others are not guided nor be neglectful towards trying to help others towards guidance such as they become irrelevant in your life for your heart will become hard and die like that. The balanced approach, no one can tell you it, except God and Ahlul Bayt.  You would expect Musa to be told to say harsh words towards the Pharaoh in the beginning but he was told instead to say an easy word.  But later on Moses' is very harsh with him, so it's all up the situation and state of the person.

Understand the religion well, and gain skills and insights, from Ahlul Bayt and Qur'an, and as you do, you will have weapons not only to defend yourself but help others inshallah, and may God curse Satan and those who sided with him from the beginning to now.

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5 hours ago, Guest German Muslim said:

Which religious woman from a good family would want to marry me when she meets my family?

First, Ayat 31:28

Second, Do istikhara.

Third, Think or 'react' as if this is something embarassing you have to deal with. You will likely marry someone 'near' you in which case she will understand and probably have the same problem. lf they from an lsIamic country, just let them know ahead of time.

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8 hours ago, Guest German Muslim said:

I am from Germany and not an English native speaker. I am sorry if I have made linguistic mistakes.

Du hast keine Fehler gemacht, mein Freund.

Brother, please do not be disheartened.

You can only do your best.

There are things that you can do and there are other things that are beyond your reach.

You are trying to help your two older sisters but if they don't wish to listen, there is little you can do.,

My suggestion is that you maintain your relations with your sisters even if they are not inclined to.

Don't pester them but don't give up trying to get them back on track. 

Keep close to your little sister so that she does not lose track.

And I would also suggest that you go to https://www.Shia-forum.de/

Make friends with members of that site because they, like you, are living in Germany.

I think they will be able to help you much more than members of an English language site.

Falls du specifische Fragen hast, stelle deine Fragen  bitte.

Aber ich glaube dass die Leute auf der deutschen website koennen dir mir helfen.

Alles gute.

Also noch einmal   https://www.Shia-forum.de/

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18 hours ago, Guest German Muslim said:

So my questions are concrete:
- How can I contribute to the guidance of my sister? What should I talk about with them? Should I rather break off the contact completely?

Don’t even think about breaking contact with your sisters!  If you love your sisters know that God loves them even more.  It isn’t your duty to guide them.  And not only is it not your duty, but it is impossible to guide.  This is because Guidance happens naturally through God Alone.

18 hours ago, Guest German Muslim said:


- If the problem is not resolved, they will remain my sisters for the rest of my life. Their bad name and reputation will also be on me. How can I endure their bad reputation?

Don’t leave your sisters, leave the community that judges you in this way.  Find another community that can appreciate who you are.  

18 hours ago, Guest German Muslim said:

- Which woman would want to marry me (or which man would want to marry my 12-year-old sister in a few years)? What can I do and how should I proceed?

Plenty of women out there!  Don’t worry.  

 

18 hours ago, Guest German Muslim said:

I am from Germany and not an English native speaker. I am sorry if I have made linguistic mistakes.

 

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Quote

So my questions are concrete:
- How can I contribute to the guidance of my sister? What should I talk about with them? Should I rather break off the contact completely?
- If the problem is not resolved, they will remain my sisters for the rest of my life. Their bad name and reputation will also be on me. How can I endure their bad reputation?
- Which woman would want to marry me (or which man would want to marry my 12-year-old sister in a few years)? What can I do and how should I proceed?

1. Your da'wah to you sister should be your virtue, piety and love. You can not cut ties from your sister.

2. God will protect you and give you good reputation when you trust and follow Him. Leave people alone and whatever they plot or think.

3. There are Muslims woman who are good one who understand your situation and still want to marry, same goes with the mans. God will guide you to right woman if you are sincerely.

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You must be extremely polite, loving and caring to your sisters (and others). Islam was spread due to the fantastically great manners of the holy Prophet (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم). Very good manners with the language of love is the quality which takes people to both worldly and afterlife successes. It is the only way you have other than praying for your sisters.

 

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Subhanallah I am 22 and have been experiencing the same thing for years now. anyways hamdullilah I follow my religion parents exactly like yours but we didn’t really live an Islamic life but what I realised is talking just would annoy your sister even mine. don’t over mention religious things. It will go through one ear and out the other. Honestly from experience of myself and others is it takes something Bad to happen for someone to realise or change for me salat gave me a purpose. Just focus on yourself follow the lifestyle of Prophet Muhammad (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) be humble nice kind loving and inshallah they see that and would catch on. 
 

 

Remember everyone has their own story maybe Say for example you sister gets heart broken she will realise what am I doing and pull up etc. 

 

 

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Guest German Muslim

I'm glad so many people responded! Thank you all for your tips and advice!

On 2/13/2020 at 3:20 PM, 3wliya_maryam said:

What is your mum's view about your sisters, considering that she's a convert.

She's against it too. She also wants my sisters to be Islamic. My mother's relationship with my siblings is reasonably good. They can talk to each other. I think that she doesn't know what to do now either. She tries to maintain a good relationship with them.

On 2/13/2020 at 9:08 PM, baqar said:

And I would also suggest that you go to https://www.Shia-forum.de/

Thank you for your suggestion. I already know the Shia-forum. I didn't ask there because I know some users personally and I didn't want everyone to know about my family.

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22 hours ago, Guest German Muslim said:

I didn't ask there because I know some users personally and I didn't want everyone to know about my family.

Brother Salam

You can have two or more accounts.

You can open an account with a different name in order to discuss with them.

So your secret remains with you.

But because you live in Germany, I think you must not lose touch with them.

Was Salam

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