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WisdomAndAnswers

Should I end my engagement?

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Salam Alaikum,

I know this is probably silly to ask such a serious question on an Islamic site. I am really confused and I have no one I can really ask. My brother gave me very useful and wise answers but I just need other people’s answers on this serious topic. 


I am engaged to a man who has no income or money. He hasn’t finished his studies but does say he may go back to college. He still doesn’t have a stable job or any future plans on how he would provide for me. Yes I did accept him knowing he didn’t have much. I am not a materialistic person who cares about money or fancy things. I cared about personality and someone who had a good heart. But I went into the engagement without thinking about important things more clearly. I did end it once before the engagement but his sister kept asking me to give it a second chance. 
 

What really did hurt me was during the engagement party the family did not bring me anything. The only thing that was given to me was two pieces of cheap gold and a 100 dollar worth of an engagement ring. They didn’t bring a cake or anything with them. I understand that they don’t have much and their father doesn’t live with them or provide for them. I just wish that maybe just flowers or cake would have been okay with me. The mother told me that during the wedding they will be bring me so much more. I feel like his sister and mother are selfish and only want to have fun.

The guy is really nice and kind. I love him and it really makes me cry to know that I might end it with him. I just worry that I would spend my whole entire life with someone who might just work at a minimum wage job with no ambition. He told me that for now when we marry we would stay in housing that is supported by social services. I told him that I would prefer just to rent with no support by the government but I don’t know if he can have enough money to do that. 
 

I don’t know what to do and I feel like I am about to break someone’s heart and it hurts me to know that. He’s a really good person and he has gone through a lot in the past. I just don’t feel confident in what I am getting myself into. I hope inshallah I can get answers that can help me in this overwhelming situation. 
 

Edited by WisdomAndAnswers

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6 minutes ago, EthidiumIodide said:

We need to unpack what you have said.

1. You say he has a good heart and a good personality. He is really nice and kind.
2. You say you love him. 
3. He does not have money or a job and his family is not giving enough jewelry or cake. This seems to be the reason you want to break it off?
4. You say you are engaged (I assume this means you are Islamically married). If you were to walk away, both you and him would be divorcees. 

To me, I wonder how this situation was even entered into when there is so much uncertainty. If you love the man, then you should tell him that he needs to provide for you and that you don't want/can't live together on welfare. You need to have tough conversations. If you cannot have those conversations now, you will have those conversations later. I guarantee it. 

I really appreciate your answer. It means a lot.

I feel like there wasn’t much thought put into the engagement. It was all rushed, not just about what they didn’t bring. I also felt like they didn’t care about the whole situation like they wanted it to be done with. My fiancé of course cared but I just don’t trust his family. 

I know we are married in Islam but I would rather end it now then regret things later in the marriage. 

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17 minutes ago, starlight said:

This is the only thing that seems problematic to me.

Rest of the things don't matter. As long as a person is honest, God fearing, hard working and willing to do his best to provide for his family current income doesn't matter. Rizq is from Allah.

I got married to someone rich and highly educated and he deprived me and our children of basic things like food and clothing. Taqwa matters, rest of the things are meaningless in the big picture. 

Thank you so much sister. Your answer is amazing. It gives me something to think about. God bless you.

Edited by WisdomAndAnswers

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Guest Kinda’

I see this problematic:

“He’s a really good person and he has gone through a lot in the past.”..

-> You don’t need to be a nurse or a therapist for anybody, or at least not until you are committed, married, and then later in life, things out of your control want you to. 
Do not invest in a man-in-progress. What his mother couldn’t instill in him, you can never, unless you want to marry a child who would want rearing. 
 

Red flag: no worldly ambition aka laziness aka lack of will to fight off the circumstance aka give up attitude. While being materialist is worst thing one can be, being lazy and don’t care is bad too. Are you ready for the day when, say you end up working to support your family and he doesn’t work enough to purchase a used car for you because well there is that public transport which would get you home in three hours? Or are you ready for the day when your children need basic luxuries in life that you both won’t be able to afford just because he is not working his full potential. See you need to discern the balance between the love of Dunya and the tendency of being a hermit, both worst traits. 
 

ref: open any Shia Hadith book and read the chapter on hard work, how earning for family is a jihad, and how much Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) hates lazy people. 

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I agree with everyone’s post in here but if I were you sister, I will end the engagement. Like seriously, if he can’t provide basic things, how can he provide when you have children? Did he pay your Mahr? Of course, aklaq is the first thing we should look about our spouse but money matters. She is not asking to live like Kim kardashian, she is asking for basic things and he can’t provide it, I think he is still not ready to become a husband. When he is ready to rent a small apartment and gets a stable job, then start the process. Otherwise, step out. I highly recommend you not to marry him now, wait more and if he start doing something like working or planning to continue is college, then that’s good. 
 

 

Edited by Diaz

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On 1/18/2020 at 12:37 AM, Diaz said:

I agree with everyone’s post in here but if I were you sister, I will end the engagement. Like seriously, if he can’t provide basic things, how can he provide when you have children? Did he pay your Mahr? Of course, aklaq is the first thing we should look about our spouse but money matters. She is not asking to live like Kim kardashian, she is asking for basic things and he can’t provide it, I think he is still not ready to become a husband. When he is ready to rent a small apartment and gets a stable job, then start the process. Otherwise, step out. I highly recommend you not to marry him now, wait more and if he start doing something like working or planning to continue is college, then that’s good. 

Planning/promising going to college is not always enough. Anyone can say they are planning to do something to get their someone to accept them, but not everyone will follow through with their promise... And a broken promise can lead to resentment.

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13 hours ago, Guest Kinda’ said:

I see this problematic:

“He’s a really good person and he has gone through a lot in the past.”..

-> You don’t need to be a nurse or a therapist for anybody, or at least not until you are committed, married, and then later in life, things out of your control want you to. 
Do not invest in a man-in-progress. What his mother couldn’t instill in him, you can never, unless you want to marry a child who would want rearing. 
 

Red flag: no worldly ambition aka laziness aka lack of will to fight off the circumstance aka give up attitude. While being materialist is worst thing one can be, being lazy and don’t care is bad too. Are you ready for the day when, say you end up working to support your family and he doesn’t work enough to purchase a used car for you because well there is that public transport which would get you home in three hours? Or are you ready for the day when your children need basic luxuries in life that you both won’t be able to afford just because he is not working his full potential. See you need to discern the balance between the love of Dunya and the tendency of being a hermit, both worst traits. 
 

 

In my own life I agree with all of these pointing since I'm seeking a spouse too. I grew up with very low income dad and inshaallah I don't want to subject myself to the horror my mom faced trying to care for a family with so little and very little modern appliances like dishwasher and washer and dryers for years while other families had them, that accumulated to her poor health, and I don't want to deprive my kids completely of a strong educational foundation that you can't build for your child without money for a good private school or top notch tutors, unless you have the ability and time to always tutor your child yourself on advanced topics. And a strong educational foundation is required in such an increasingly cut throat competitive day and age, and being deprived of it, I am still immensely struggling as a result. But alhamdollilah I have health and Inshaallah me and everyone's problems and health get better bekhayr. 

Edited by Lilly14

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Why did you want to marry him in the first place? 

If you can’t answer that question with certainty or passion, then imo you're not gaining much from this marriage. I am not talking about the materialistic gain because that can he substituted, but if you feel that you make no gain emotionally or mentally then what's the point? 

Edited by 2Timeless

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On 1/17/2020 at 10:33 PM, WisdomAndAnswers said:

I just don’t feel confident in what I am getting myself into. 

There's your answer. Don't get into a marriage you don't feel confident about. 

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Men 

14 hours ago, WisdomAndAnswers said:

I just worry that I would spend my whole entire life with someone who might just work at a minimum wage job with no ambition. 

Tell him this. His answer is the most important.

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My advice:

You'll regret it, don't do it. Financial stress in a marriage is no joke. Marry a man with at least ambition and you will be able to respect him. If you don't respect your husband, then the marriage can't work. 

Sidenote: I feel like movies romanticize marrying poor but being in love. Real life is not like this. I almost married a man with no ambition but backed out at the last minute alhamdulillah. It was a tough time after the breakup but now I'm married to a not rich man but a man who works hard and is very ambitious and I am so grateful to Allah and very happily married. inshaAllah you will find someone better. 

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Guest Kinda’

I obviously feel passionately about this so my second post..

Imam Ali said that he found the poverty in a shape of a man, he would kill it. 
 

I’ve seen so many wonderful Muslim women and their kids suffering due to self imposed poverty that many men brought on to themselves and their future families by their laziness, lack of focus, and hiding it all behind their defective Islamic understanding of dislike of dunya. 
 

It’s absolute responsibility of a man of the house to bring honorable and halal rizq on the table. Any man short of this out of his own choice is half man and not worthy of having in his wilaya a woman and his children. 
 

A good measure of a young man’s hard work could be his grades in his HS and beyond. A sloppy academic record would be a tell tale sign of a lazy man who you won’t not want your Wali in the role of a husband. If you see this, call off the engagement. Even if he had lazy past, if he really cares about you, he would try changing it to prove that he is worthy of you. If not, then get out of it and find someone else. 

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On 1/18/2020 at 2:16 PM, Guest Kinda’ said:

A good measure of a young man’s hard work could be his grades in his HS and beyond. A sloppy academic record would be a tell tale sign of a lazy man 

Not necessarily.

Many young individuals have a 'sloppy academic record' due to environmental, social or familial factors at the time and go on to become more than successful, hardworking and productive individuals in society. 

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4 hours ago, Guest Kinda’ said:

I obviously feel passionately about this so my second post..

Imam Ali said that he found the poverty in a shape of a man, he would kill it. 
 

I’ve seen so many wonderful Muslim women and their kids suffering due to self imposed poverty that many men brought on to themselves and their future families by their laziness, lack of focus, and hiding it all behind their defective Islamic understanding of dislike of dunya. 
 

It’s absolute responsibility of a man of the house to bring honorable and halal rizq on the table. Any man short of this out of his own choice is half man and not worthy of having in his wilaya a woman and his children. 
 

A good measure of a young man’s hard work could be his grades in his HS and beyond. A sloppy academic record would be a tell tale sign of a lazy man who you won’t not want your Wali in the role of a husband. If you see this, call off the engagement. Even if he had lazy past, if he really cares about you, he would try changing it to prove that he is worthy of you. If not, then get out of it and find someone else. 

Thank you for your answer, I appreciate it. You gave me a lot to think about. 

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This guy sound exactly like my situation before I got married. Subhanallah How Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help those who seek Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) nearness in marriage and would put trust on Him even in such a situation. If you don't have these two, then I can say sorry but you will not stand such a marriage because you will one day start to complain and hate. 

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Quote

It’s absolute responsibility of a man of the house to bring honorable and halal rizq on the table. Any man short of this out of his own choice is half man and not worthy of having in his wilaya a woman and his children. 

Rizk comes from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) even if it was in form of social benefit. The responsible of man is to make sure they follow Islamic laws and to guide and protect his family to light. 

Laziness is not measured by academic records. Laziness is clear to be seen, a man who have no ambition and care to practice Allah Religion and is selfish. So his salat will be sloppy, his fasting broken, no care for obeying laws and he just want to stay at his room and other serving him. 

Edited by Abu Nur

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10 hours ago, Lilly14 said:

Planning/promising going to college is not always enough. Anyone can say they are planning to do something to get their someone to accept them, but not everyone will follow through with their promise... And a broken promise can lead to resentment.

No, I meant if he is continuing his studies, then she should wait a little bit. 

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1 hour ago, Abu Nur said:

This guy sound exactly like my situation before I got married. Subhanallah How Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help those who seek Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) nearness in marriage and would put trust on Him even in such a situation. If you don't have these two, then I can say sorry but you will not stand such a marriage because you will one day start to complain and hate. 

I agree with you, I am starting to think I don’t have strong faith in Allah. I’m not putting my full trust in Him, may Allah forgive me. 

Edited by WisdomAndAnswers

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On 1/18/2020 at 10:31 PM, King said:

Who cares about gifts? I've never gifted my girlfriend anything and she still loves me to death.

You have a kind and caring girlfriend mashallah. I think I’m a selfish and mean person to be honest. I should change the way I think.

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6 minutes ago, WisdomAndAnswers said:

You have a kind and caring girlfriend mashallah. I think I’m a selfish and mean person to be honest. I should change the way I think.

Don't be so harsh on yourself, It's normal, girls like nice things.  I would focus on his ambition and work ethic though rather than the gifts. 

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1 hour ago, Qa'im said:

My advice is, as long as he is working hard (40-60 hours per week), and is not stingy, then go for it. A rich, stingy person or a hard-working dishonest person would be worse for you. But you say he does not have a stable job: is he looking for one? How long has it been? Yes rizq comes with marriage, but the man must have some core qualities before marriage - namely, a willingness to work and put his family first. If he has this, you will be at peace whether he makes $30,000 or $200,000. But if he doesn't have those qualities, after a long period of observing him, then find another suiter.

Thank you for your answer. Wallah I appreciate everyone’s answers here. It means so much to me. 

He’s been applying online but hasn’t been lucky for a few months now. He said he’s going to apply for a full time construction job. He does have a job now but it doesn’t pay much. 

Edited by WisdomAndAnswers

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9 hours ago, Guest Kinda’ said:

I obviously feel passionately about this so my second post..

Imam Ali said that he found the poverty in a shape of a man, he would kill it. 
 

I’ve seen so many wonderful Muslim women and their kids suffering due to self imposed poverty that many men brought on to themselves and their future families by their laziness, lack of focus, and hiding it all behind their defective Islamic understanding of dislike of dunya. 
 

It’s absolute responsibility of a man of the house to bring honorable and halal rizq on the table. Any man short of this out of his own choice is half man and not worthy of having in his wilaya a woman and his children. 
 

A good measure of a young man’s hard work could be his grades in his HS and beyond. A sloppy academic record would be a tell tale sign of a lazy man who you won’t not want your Wali in the role of a husband. If you see this, call off the engagement. Even if he had lazy past, if he really cares about you, he would try changing it to prove that he is worthy of you. If not, then get out of it and find someone else. 

Agree 100%

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On 1/17/2020 at 11:33 PM, WisdomAndAnswers said:

Salam Alaikum,

I know this is probably silly to ask such a serious question on an Islamic site. I am really confused and I have no one I can really ask. My brother gave me very useful and wise answers but I just need other people’s answers on this serious topic. 


I am engaged to a man who has no income or money. He hasn’t finished his studies but does say he may go back to college. He still doesn’t have a stable job or any future plans on how he would provide for me. Yes I did accept him knowing he didn’t have much. I am not a materialistic person who cares about money or fancy things. I cared about personality and someone who had a good heart. But I went into the engagement without thinking about important things more clearly. I did end it once before the engagement but his sister kept asking me to give it a second chance. 
 

What really did hurt me was during the engagement party the family did not bring me anything. The only thing that was given to me was two pieces of cheap gold and a 100 dollar worth of an engagement ring. They didn’t bring a cake or anything with them. I understand that they don’t have much and their father doesn’t live with them or provide for them. I just wish that maybe just flowers or cake would have been okay with me. The mother told me that during the wedding they will be bring me so much more. I feel like his sister and mother are selfish and only want to have fun.

The guy is really nice and kind. I love him and it really makes me cry to know that I might end it with him. I just worry that I would spend my whole entire life with someone who might just work at a minimum wage job with no ambition. He told me that for now when we marry we would stay in housing that is supported by social services. I told him that I would prefer just to rent with no support by the government but I don’t know if he can have enough money to do that. 
 

I don’t know what to do and I feel like I am about to break someone’s heart and it hurts me to know that. He’s a really good person and he has gone through a lot in the past. I just don’t feel confident in what I am getting myself into. I hope inshallah I can get answers that can help me in this overwhelming situation. 
 

consider this approach:

Why do you think he will remain where he is?  Don’t run away from him —- help him earn more money.  Look for ways where both of you can start a business and work together.  love him!   There is beauty found in such a love that involves this kind of “giving”.  He will also reciprocate.  Don’t make this entirely about money.  Money is cheap and has no value in the face of a truly authentic relationship of love and trust.  Be trustworthy, loyal, loving.  

God forbid you marry someone else who is well off and you discover to not be loyal?  Be grateful for what you have.  
 

Edited by eThErEaL

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On 1/18/2020 at 11:33 AM, WisdomAndAnswers said:

The only thing that was given to me was two pieces of cheap gold and a 100 dollar worth of an engagement ring.

Wslm..
Sounds like me... Sure many troubles come and go. But, I can say that we're happy with our marriage. (doesn't mean something like this doesn't have the potential for failures, read @eThErEaL's post to greatly reduce the chance.)

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Some people are not good at earning money but they are resourceful. My ex husband was irresponsible and kind of dumb but I am sure he will always remain rich. He was very popular among old rich people. I am sure he will get a share in the inheritence of not only his own parents but other people as well. My sister works at a minimum wage job but she gets monthly allowance from women who have successful careers, or who are married to rich men. 

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12 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

My sister works at a minimum wage job but she gets monthly allowance from women who have successful careers, or who are married to rich men. 

Is this the same sister that was appointed supreme leader of the family? lol 

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4 minutes ago, Moalfas said:

Is this the same sister that was appointed supreme leader of the family? lol 

LOL! Yes, and that's the reason. She has the potential to earn most money, and she posts on facebook about how you should not depend on  only one "source of income". 

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31 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

My sister works at a minimum wage job but she gets monthly allowance from women who have successful careers

Why???? How ?? 

Edited by starlight

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5 minutes ago, starlight said:

Why???? How ?? 

I think mostly in the form of gifts: clothes, perfumes etc. She does small gestures, like baby sitting kids, helping to arrange birthday parties or if someone is invited at house. When a friend or relative does these things for you, there's no price tag. They can expect anything in return, especially if "men" are impressed with the skills. 

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