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In the Name of God بسم الله

Can you guys help critique what I wrote

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I plan on posting more often within social media adding my own thoughts and ideas, I wrote this today but I feel a bit hesitant in posting it, I was wondering if you brothers/sisters think it’s fine posting or I’ll just end up embarrassing myself :cry:

@Mahdavist @Hameedeh @Gaius I. Caesar @AbdulKarim313_Austin/Nola @Haji 2003 @hasanhh @Ibn al-Hussain @Ibn Al-Shahid @Ibn Al-Ja'abi @Moalfas @Abu Nur @Muhammed Ali @notme@ali_fatheroforphans @King @The Green Knight @Ibn Al-Ja'abi

@AkhiraisReal

As I loathe in my distraught sea of perplexities, I find myself disheartened by the limited nature of my worldly being, lamenting an unfortunate reality that hinders my souls proclivity.

Painstaken not by the love of this world of deceit and debauchery, but rather carrying an inexplicable feeling of angst, sorrow, and resentment for my bodies inability to conform with the aspirations of this troubled soul. 

A soul that yearns to immerse itself deep into the hearts and minds of all those who occupy its similar realm of feasibility; be it through the innumerable amounts of literature lettered by the greats, the scientific advances of the contemporaries, and the spiritual enlightenment of the ascetics.

Furthermore digressing into the deviancy of the wicked, the perversion of the insatiable, and the ostentatiousness of the malevolent.

in a way seeking to trace every fragment of light and darkness within each unique and distinctive being; in a means to extrapolate and perceive the areas of contingency that lie between good and evil. 

To rummage within every soul in search of the mysterious source of inspiration that brings forth unaudited thoughts from the subconscious to the conscious, cultivating one’s evil inclinations, or pure nature.

dissecting all seven octillion atoms that occupy the makeup of man, meticulously examining the vast amount of distinct and seclusive implications that construct and establish one’s own unique worldview. 

 conjuring a reliable blueprint that contains an axiomatic code unique and particular to every individual in compatibility with every instance of consciousness experienced.

By means of gaining insight towards the astronomic macrocosm by amalgamation of the minuscule microcosms.

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Brother, If you don't mind, I did not fully understand but I will let you know the few things I noticed.

a) First sentence

1.1 "loathe in" could just be "loathe"    

1.2 "souls" should be "soul's"

1.3 the expression "soul's proclivity" does not make sense.

b) Second sentence

2.1 My dictionary does not have the word "painstaken" 

2.2 "bodies" should be "body's"

c) Fifth sentence

5.1 "In a means" should be "as a means"

d) Eighth sentence

8.1 "Unique and particular" could well be merely "unique."

e) Last sentence

9.1 "astronomic" is correct but perhaps  "astronomical" might be better.

10.1 General Comment: You need a title to your essay.

Hope that helps

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21 minutes ago, baqar said:

Brother, If you don't mind, I did not fully understand but I will let you know the few things I noticed.

a) First sentence

1.1 "loathe in" could just be "loathe"    

1.2 "souls" should be "soul's"

1.3 the expression "soul's proclivity" does not make sense.

b) Second sentence

2.1 My dictionary does not have the word "painstaken" 

2.2 "bodies" should be "body's"

c) Fifth sentence

5.1 "In a means" should be "as a means"

d) Eighth sentence

8.1 "Unique and particular" could well be merely "unique."

e) Last sentence

9.1 "astronomic" is correct but perhaps  "astronomical" might be better.

10.1 General Comment: You need a title to your essay.

Hope that helps

Thank you so much! 

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2 minutes ago, Mohammad313Ali said:

the expression "soul's proclivity" does not make sense.

I thought since proclivity means an inclination to do something regularly it would make sense to say, “soul’s proclivity” since it would be an indication of the soul wanting to do something constantly 

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in fine art we have something called 'Artspeek'. Artspeek is a bunch of big word jargon that is used to sell works and barely anyone cares or understands it. It alienates a lot of people because they don't understand it. Make sure you're using big words because it is within you to use big words, not because you think you should. Remember, some people will stop reading if they don't understand 60% of the words. I don't know who your target audience is, but write accordingly.

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This is my revised version: @Ibn Al-Shahid @baqar

 

As I loathe my distraught sea of perplexities, I find myself disheartened by the limited nature of my worldly being, lamenting an unfortunate reality. 

Carrying an inexplicable feeling of angst, sorrow, and resentment for my body’s inability to conform to the aspirations of this troubled soul. 

 

In a way, seeking to perceive every fragment of light and darkness within each unique being, so as to understand the conflicting areas that lie between the choice of good and evil.

 

Constantly toiling with a belligerent darkness, conceivable only through taking into account infinitesimal instances that have contributed to the establishment of one’s own unique reality.


 

Through rummaging within every soul in search of the mysterious source of inspiration that brings forth unaudited thoughts from the subconscious to the conscious; epiphanies, ideas, and even to some revelations that act as either a purpose for good or an inspiration for evil.

 

Seven octillion atoms constructing the makeup of man, each atom a source of light that stems from the grand light that originated the universe. A light that no matter how much this soul may be fed from, finds itself to be longing for more.

 

For the spreading of the light was turned into minuscule microcoms or in other words conscious beings, and to perceive the source of inspiration one must amalgamate all the minuscule particles in order to bring forth the astronomical macrocosm.

 

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5 hours ago, Mohammad313Ali said:

I thought since proclivity means an inclination to do something regularly it would make sense to say, “soul’s proclivity” since it would be an indication of the soul wanting to do something constantly 

Brother, I am not an expert but as far as I know, you need to

  • add an adjective or 
  • follow it by a noun that specifies the proclivity or
  • use it in the plural

Examples of the three:-

  • His hunting proclivity was well known throughout the country.
  • His proclivity for cooking made him famous in the community.
  • Among her proclivities was the desire to look attractive.

Also, you still need to correct the spelling of "microcosm" in the last sentence.

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