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In the Name of God بسم الله
ali_fatheroforphans

How to spot fake friends (very important read!!!)

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Salam,

Through life experience, I've come up with certain conclusions regarding how to spot fake friends. I may be wrong but it's what I feel. I'm not saying that these people are bad or evil. They're good people but maybe not ones you'd want to waste your time being around. 

Here are the signs:

- When you try to give them genuine advice for the betterment of their own future, they turn against you and may even have hatred for you. Their ego gets in the way and they fail to understand you, why? Because they weren't ever true friends to start with or someone who tried to understand you. They feel as if they're always right. This is a toxic attitude to have. True friends are open-minded and realise the possibility of them being wrong. 

- They always talk about themselves and ask very little about you. Sometimes you may be talking about yourself and the conversation always turns out to be about themselves. Sometimes don't you feel as if there's any flow? 

- You're basically an emotional outlet for them. They want to rant about everything in life but do they try to change their ways? Nope. They end up draining your energy. They just love having someone they can rant to. They couldn't care any less about your genuine input regarding a situation. 

Do you have any other signs? What is your opinion?

 

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Everything & every relation is directly related to our own actions & our own personality. There is a famous saying "You would cut only that what you sow". 

Give advice only when asked. Don't try to be smart and think you're a person full of wisdom, remember that if others consider you wise, they would come to take advises from you. So never try to advice someone without being asked for giving the advise. 

If you love someone, how can he hate you! If it seems to you that he hates you, consider your own lacking in love and try to improve yourself. Remember that not everyone posses the wisdom, a wise enemy is considered better than a foolish friend. This doesn't mean you quit or ignore those who lack wisdom, let them be near you and let them learn from you, you just need to avoid taking their advises. 

These few guidelines can make you a "good friend" of others.  

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@Logic1234

I understand your point. However I'm talking about the initial "acquaintance" phase when you're not overly fond of someone. It's when you haven't seen the true face of your friend. Islam tells us to aim for something high. It motivates us to improve ourselves. We are told to befriend wise people. 

Also someone isn't being picky if he chooses friends who aren't toxic. It's actually our own wisdom which allows us to pick out certain traits in someone which we feel may hinder our progress. Not everyone can figure it out.

Again, I'm not talking about real friendships. Many times we feel that we "love" someone but maybe our own love isn't genuine. There is a hadith that if you truly love someone, he feels the exact same way towards you.

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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2 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

@Gaius I. Caesar would love to hear your input? what do you feel? How do you personally know if your friend is actually a true friend?

1. A true friend is "subjective" but in my personal experience, they are people I can connect deeply with and still keep in touch with after long periods of not talking to. For instance, I am still close with a friend from grade 6, we may have vastly different lifestyles, beliefs and views but we still respect one another and understand each other after almost 15 years.

2. On fake friends, they may not necessarily be "fake" but it may be these people have a shallow understanding of what friendship is. Such people are called "fairweather friends" because at the first sign of personal trouble  or an internal "storm", they disappear. They just for whatever reason to choose not engage in any drama, much less your drama. These people seem to think that friendships should be fun, positive and drama-free. Which is fine with me but it doesn't change the fact that it is inherently shallow. I saw this a lot with Christian types.

3.On number 3, it can get to point that somewhere along the line, you snap and do number 2, where you start talking more and more about yourself because you don't want to be a verbal punching bag.

4. If someone ever puts you in a situation where you have to lie and tell them what they want to hear. They are not your friend.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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On 12/16/2019 at 7:05 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Salam,

Through life experience, I've come up with certain conclusions regarding how to spot fake friends. I may be wrong but it's what I feel

wa alykum as salam wrwb,

the emphasis is always on doing things for Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), for His(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) sake. For every action & intentions, tis not easy.

The 'feeling' of the heart would be @ rest for whatever decree as it is said in the tablets of the two orphaned boys: " I wonder at a man who is displeased by the decree of Allah((سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى))".

On 12/16/2019 at 9:01 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

We are told to befriend wise people. 

Can wisdom be compartmentalized according to varying faculties like political science versus sports science? Irrespective of the environment once the shared common interests are the same then it becomes easy to progress the relation. 

remember in as much as friends or family for that matter are critically important, non will bear the brunt for you.

So let's start again...

Yusuf Ali: Your (real) friends are (no less than) Allah, His Messenger, and the (fellowship of) believers,- those who establish regular prayers and regular charity, and they bow down humbly (in worship).

5:55

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On 12/16/2019 at 10:05 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Do you have any other signs? What is your opinion?

- They are all fake friends unless proven otherwise in both (a) times of need and (b) in your absence.

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On 12/20/2019 at 8:08 AM, The Green Knight said:

- They are all fake friends unless proven otherwise in both (a) times of need and (b) in your absence.

This is a golden rule for me. Based off experience, most friends are into it just for the benefits and by most, I mean, nearly 95%. One way to see if they are among those 5% that befriend you without an agenda, is to see what he says behind your back or what he does in your time of need.

 

Imam Ali Ibn Abi Taleb says, "A true friend is one who upon seeing fault, gives advice, and defends you in your absence." 

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1 hour ago, A_A said:

Imam Ali Ibn Abi Taleb says, "A true friend is one who upon seeing fault, gives advice, and defends you in your absence." 

He(عليه السلام) is your real friend.

applying what he(عليه السلام) teaches is another matter.

Other than those mentioned in 5:55 the rest of relations are just trials.

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52 minutes ago, Mzwakhe said:

He(عليه السلام) is your real friend.

applying what he(عليه السلام) teaches is another matter.

Other than those mentioned in 5:55 the rest of relations are just trials.

Look, no offense but mysticism isn't going to solve any of our issues. We are talking about friends we deal with on a day to day basis. 

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1 hour ago, A_A said:

no offense

relax 

1 hour ago, A_A said:

but mysticism

we're mystical beings

1 hour ago, A_A said:

We are talking about friends we deal with on a day to day basis. 

true that, daily living with beings is always going to be a trial. Them being fake or not is always going to depend on the strength of the connection between The Real Friends(5:55) & them.

to make a personal example. Wherever I go these things(more than one) that are watching goes ahead in time to interfere. alhamdulillah, I decide to stay put & only leave home for jumuah lectures, my interaction would be between the lectures' word & my ears & funny enough they spoke through him something about milking the cow and some unity of some sort, man am loosing my mind with scholars like these.

But you know Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), soothes, everything. 

How to spot a fake wife?

How to spot a fake relative?

How to spot a fake neighbor?

How to spot a fake colleagues?

all these are in daily interactions & good friends are that, good & fake or bad friends are that, fake/bad.

in the end it is a trial.

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Perhaps the question should be, how do you spot the real friend from all the fakes? 

Experience tells me: Travel with them or do business with them. You'll know. 

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I was with a lot of people, I left majority of them.

 

1) If they gossip or slandering about someone. Trust me, if someone talk about someone, they are talking about you, that means they are fake.

2) they always hurt you and never apologize, because they are arrogant and fake. 

3) They treat others good but treat you bad without you noticing 

Edited by Diaz

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On 12/16/2019 at 7:05 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

When you try to give them genuine advice for the betterment of their own future, they turn against you and may even have hatred for you.

The day of this thread is that supposed 14/15/16 December where there was heardened hearts because of deception.

On the turn of the year it was communicated that there's no meat and only pap left. 

What genuine advice was that?

The future concern is yours, selfishness. 

What is with Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) suffices. you are mistaken, hate is either good or bad for the character, not this one. instead of being fuelled by hatred, hitting the road is the better option (meaning the creation of space or distance with what is false, hate is false).

On 12/16/2019 at 7:05 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Their ego gets in the way and they fail to understand you, why?

:hahaha:

have you thought that it might be them not doing things to please you or your whims & desires.

you're understood clearly like the nature of witches, when good or amazing deeds are done you look to claim them as being your influence looking for praise from Allah((سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى))'s creatures, & when evil or bad deeds are done or manifested then you look to not claim the fall or to even by some sort of association say, he's my man( or slave or wife or child or whatever name your master spews out of your lying mouth.

Good deeds and bad deeds are a trial also.

It is said that you'll never attain Furqan (the criterion to 'understanding') unless you submit wholeheartedly not hypocritically.

 

In short, do things for Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), not to please anyone lest you lose your religion.

Pssst...             ...........:gossip:He(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is Sufficient as a Witness & Protector.

& you know that, actually you know quite a lot about Islam yet lack the understanding. you act contrary to the teachings of Qur'an & AB(عليه السلام) such that the effect would a hardened heart, not completely closed doors as you see your actions are yo yo, back & forth yet the insistence is on pleasing the evil, so be careful not to reach that state of no return where you lose your religion.

you can never say you're sincere in matters of Islam.

you ask Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for sincerity according to His(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) sincerity not yours.

 

 

 

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On 12/15/2019 at 11:05 PM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Salam,

Through life experience, I've come up with certain conclusions regarding how to spot fake friends. I may be wrong but it's what I feel. I'm not saying that these people are bad or evil. They're good people but maybe not ones you'd want to waste your time being around. 

Here are the signs:

- When you try to give them genuine advice for the betterment of their own future, they turn against you and may even have hatred for you. Their ego gets in the way and they fail to understand you, why? Because they weren't ever true friends to start with or someone who tried to understand you. They feel as if they're always right. This is a toxic attitude to have. True friends are open-minded and realise the possibility of them being wrong. 

- They always talk about themselves and ask very little about you. Sometimes you may be talking about yourself and the conversation always turns out to be about themselves. Sometimes don't you feel as if there's any flow? 

- You're basically an emotional outlet for them. They want to rant about everything in life but do they try to change their ways? Nope. They end up draining your energy. They just love having someone they can rant to. They couldn't care any less about your genuine input regarding a situation. 

Do you have any other signs? What is your opinion?

 

Is this the post  of an emotional girl.

MAN UP !!!!

Jokes aside. Some good observations. 

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On 12/21/2019 at 10:09 PM, Mzwakhe said:

relax 

we're mystical beings

true that, daily living with beings is always going to be a trial. Them being fake or not is always going to depend on the strength of the connection between The Real Friends(5:55) & them.

to make a personal example. Wherever I go these things(more than one) that are watching goes ahead in time to interfere. alhamdulillah, I decide to stay put & only leave home for jumuah lectures, my interaction would be between the lectures' word & my ears & funny enough they spoke through him something about milking the cow and some unity of some sort, man am loosing my mind with scholars like these.

But you know Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), soothes, everything. 

How to spot a fake wife?

How to spot a fake relative?

How to spot a fake neighbor?

How to spot a fake colleagues?

all these are in daily interactions & good friends are that, good & fake or bad friends are that, fake/bad.

in the end it is a trial.

I am relaxed, however objectivity is imperative.

Forming friendships or relations of any sort is part of life and mixing with the creation of His Majesty. To spend a life with deep cynical-ism towards everyone, assuming the worst out of people and remaining in solitude is not the way to mysticism nor religion. It is by the interactions of our dear Prophet with the backward Arabs of his time that brought people closer to religion and God, and with a price, no doubt. We are humans, social beings, not robots, we require interactions with others whether we like it or not. 

I get the impression you are surrounded by people in a society you despise, but so what? Because they haven't seen something you have? Because they behave as materialistic, egoistic, selfish people? Or better still, you've been betrayed and developed this concept that taking the road alone and mistrusting everyone else is better? Sure, the people who love this world, it betrays them, but living as a hermit isn't what God would've wanted for us either.

Assume the best of people but plan for the worst. Interact, even if it hurts because that is the way to progression, otherwise living alone will not bring the ears of the world to the message they were meant to hear. Act as an example to others and perhaps you could even change the heart of one person without noticing. Isn't that more than enough?

The initial question of this forum was how to spot fake friends but the response you've given sounds like you're saying we don't need them and God is sufficient. What is it now? Are God-fearing people expected to lack the humanistic quality of wanting to socialize with others? We need straight answers and not words dressed in ambiguity under the pretense it is "mystical" because "God" was mentioned.  What if I told you that pleasing the Creator of the heavens along with pleasing people is possible?

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On 12/16/2019 at 10:05 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Salam,

Through life experience, I've come up with certain conclusions regarding how to spot fake friends. I may be wrong but it's what I feel. I'm not saying that these people are bad or evil. They're good people but maybe not ones you'd want to waste your time being around. 

Here are the signs:

- When you try to give them genuine advice for the betterment of their own future, they turn against you and may even have hatred for you. Their ego gets in the way and they fail to understand you, why? Because they weren't ever true friends to start with or someone who tried to understand you. They feel as if they're always right. This is a toxic attitude to have. True friends are open-minded and realise the possibility of them being wrong. 

- They always talk about themselves and ask very little about you. Sometimes you may be talking about yourself and the conversation always turns out to be about themselves. Sometimes don't you feel as if there's any flow? 

- You're basically an emotional outlet for them. They want to rant about everything in life but do they try to change their ways? Nope. They end up draining your energy. They just love having someone they can rant to. They couldn't care any less about your genuine input regarding a situation. 

Do you have any other signs? What is your opinion?

 

They are not happy for you, and sometimes stop you directly from doing something which you know they don't have right to stop you.

They become jealous when someone thank you or enjoys your company. They try to create competition with you.

When you achieve a success, their faces tells they are not happy.

When they are happy, the forget whether you are around them or not.

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On 1/5/2020 at 12:57 PM, A_A said:

What if I told you that pleasing the Creator of the heavens along with pleasing people is possible?

It is your view, your perception, meaning how you understood it. Whilst it is true that people may be pleased with a good deed done for the sake of Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

Ostentation is what is dangerous.

Imam al‑Sadiq (a) said: “Riya’ in any of its forms amounts to shirk, (polytheism); verily, one who works for the people, his reward lies with them, and one who works for God, his reward lies with God.” [Al-Kulayni, al-Kafi, vol. 2, p. 402]

https://www.al-Islam.org/articles/diseases-soul-pretending-virtuousness-riya

The reference to ostentation sterms from 

On 1/5/2020 at 12:57 PM, A_A said:

objectivity is imperative

it sounds like overly insistence on something that was not there in the first place. Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is sufficient as a Witness & Protector. :gossip:...

On 1/5/2020 at 12:57 PM, A_A said:

I get the impression you are surrounded by people in a society you despise, but so what?

What is the difference between "despise" and "hate"?

When you "hate" someone, you dislike the person intensely.

Here are a few examples.

I hate all politicians.

"Despise" is a stronger word than "hate".

When you say that you despise someone, it implies that you "hate" that person, but it also carries with it the sense that you have contempt for him/her.

In other words, when you hate someone, you dislike the individual intensely, but when you "despise" him, you not only dislike him, but you also look down on him.

So, when you despise someone, you consider him being beneath you; you may think that the individual is worthless. http://www.english-for-students.com/despise.html

despise is a heavy vice to carry around ask light hearted individuals only when you're ready to understand it. 

It is a wrong impression, get rid of it. So wrong.

On 1/5/2020 at 12:57 PM, A_A said:

The initial question of this forum was how to spot fake friends but the response you've given sounds like you're saying we don't need them and God is sufficient. What is it now?

It is that they're not needed, fake friends that is.

On 1/5/2020 at 12:57 PM, A_A said:

Interact

this is also an interaction.

On 1/5/2020 at 12:57 PM, A_A said:

Act as an example to others 

Then is one to whom the evil of his deed has been made attractive so he considers it good [like one rightly guided]? For indeed, Allah sends astray whom He wills and guides whom He wills. So do not let yourself perish over them in regret. Indeed, Allah is Knowing of what they do. 35:8

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