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In the Name of God بسم الله
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Zellali

The consequences of diverting blame or not admitting mistakes

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My father is an examplary person for me. An example mostly of what not have in my personality. For example, 

My mammi (mom's brother's wife) borrowed blankets for an occasion from us 2 years ago. Big, expensive ones, that we have been waiting to get back. Finally my mom got the back bone to ask for them back the past month. 

My dad was also there, my mamoo (mom's brother's/aunt's husband) was also there. My mammi tried to get mamoo to make up some excuse, he acted deaf and mute (like its none of his business). My dad, jumped to be the helping brother in hand. 

My dad: "Nai nai, kya zaroorat hai. Humaray pass tou bohat hain. Aap rakhlain." (No no, its fine. We have alot. You keep them)

My mom: *silent and angry, REALLY ANGRY* 

Their conversation in our car going home went something like this. 

Mom: "Our old blankets are VERY OLD now, so let's go get the new ones. But we wouldn't have to if we had the ones from them now."

Dad: "Its ok. Helping relatives is our job. We'll get new ones. Its fine. "

Mom: "Ok. Get the new ones. The ones she has our about RS8000-10000 (usd 53-64) per blanket."

Dad: " WHAT. REALLY!? WHY DIDNT YOU TELL BEFORE?"

Mom: "I was trying to get them. You intervened in the conversation. Why did you intervene when you didnt know?"

Dad: "I ASSSUMED-"

Mom: "You assumed."

And all I think now is if my mom or I or my brothers assume something,  how it's the last straw, how its my mom's upbringing for us and her own parents upbringing for her that we never reassure things before acting and that it will be the reason why we will become failures and then after that no matter how many times he encourages me, it runs subconsciously in my mind and I think "hey maybe it does make sense. Doing things with assumptions will make me end up there" I start to believe I will fail. Of course I never stop working hard. But it makes me waste time. Like right now:D

Continued...

Dad: "YOU ALWAYS DO THIS. YOU BLAME ME FOR EVERYTHING. I DIDN'T HAVE WRONG INTENTIONS I DIDN'T KNOW YOU SHOULD TALK TO ME BEFORE BLAH BLAHBLAH"

and it goes on. Shifting blame for the wrong we do, leads to you becoming my dad: having very huge loss in business = less rizk from Allah = the women in my house must be doing something wrong because im so religious I read namaz Qur'an everyday I read friday prayers I fulfil aalllll my duties, it can’t be me, the brothers are too young to have done anything to blame = double lives lived by all children = subconscious anxiety of parents finding out about other life (pretty normal but too complex to explain to father because of generation gap) = introverted kids = lack of proper or decent social skills (either too rowdy or too quiet) = trust issues with people or too much trust into strangers 

This is my evaluation of our situation. I know it sounds like I'm stretching, but when you hear this nearly everyday or atleast once every week, you can't help but pick a pattern. No one wants to listen to things like this. Be it a husband wife friend brother sister or parent, no one listens to this [Edited Out] these days. 

But I guess when all financial issues are grabbed onto by one member, you become helpless. Even my moms redits card is with him most of the time. She's not allowed to use it without probably having to explain the purchases later. She's a working woman. She earns this on her own. 

Anyone else have any stories related to the topic?

Jazakallah Khair

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