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In the Name of God بسم الله
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FatimaR

Confused about my marriage

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I am so confused about what to do and if whatever I am doing at the moment is right. My husband is suffering from depression/anxiety and we are trying to help him. The problem is that he keeps blaming me for everything bad that happens in his life. He blames me for things that I haven’t even thought about. He keeps screaming and shouting at me without thinking where he is or who is watching. He isn’t concerned about my respect. I do whatever I can for him and I have honestly let go of many things that he said to me in the past. There are things he says to me that I don’t even want to mention. I keep letting go because I keep thinking he’ll get better and everything will be fine but the thing is I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to hold on. It’s verbal torture. I stopped talking to him for the past two days and refused to do anything for him because of a lot of stuff he said to me. I don’t understand what I should do. Am I getting sins for treating him like this despite his behaviour? 

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I'm afraid with the little background you've mentioned, there's not much one can deduce. 

From what you've said, I can tell you that 'verbal torture' as you describe is not excused.

Also, suffering with depression is one thing,  and being abusive and blaming you 'for everything' is another. 

I'm unsure whether giving him the silent treatment will solve anything.

Is there any family you can confide in? Perhaps, having a better understanding of your situation with him would help in identifying the best ways to deal with it. 

Edited by Moalfas

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31 minutes ago, Moalfas said:

I'm afraid with the little background you've mentioned, there's not much one can deduce. 

From what you've said, I can tell you that 'verbal torture' as you describe is not excused.

Also, suffering with depression is one thing,  and being abusive and blaming you 'for everything' is another. 

I'm unsure whether giving him the silent treatment will solve anything.

Is there any family you can confide in? Perhaps, having a better understanding of your situation with him would help in identifying the best ways to deal with it. 

Actually he wasn’t like this before. He does have a temper but before it wasn’t nearly as bad as this. His family members like his dad, brother think that it’s because of his depression that he is acting this way. I mean I also think that but it’s too much to tolerate. Like he gets angry out of the blue without a reason and when I say angry I mean the screaming, shouting and throwing things kind of angry. 
 

The silent treatment isn’t helping but honestly I just don’t feel like speaking to him after what he has said. Which is why I am confused. Am I getting sins for behaving like this with my husband? Should I keep excusing his behaviour thinking that he is depressed?

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Is he getting professional psychological therapy, and taking medication? If he's not on medication is he working with his doctor to try different medications to see what works for him???

He needs to be actively trying to help himself, while you support him, if not, it's not your job as a wife to stay and put up with this. That's my opinion of course. 

Keep in mind some medications can have side effects that make you much more angry, I wonder if this is what's happening? 

Edited by Lilly14

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5 hours ago, FatimaR said:

I am so confused about what to do and if whatever I am doing at the moment is right. My husband is suffering from depression/anxiety and we are trying to help him. The problem is that he keeps blaming me for everything bad that happens in his life. He blames me for things that I haven’t even thought about. He keeps screaming and shouting at me without thinking where he is or who is watching. He isn’t concerned about my respect. I do whatever I can for him and I have honestly let go of many things that he said to me in the past. There are things he says to me that I don’t even want to mention. I keep letting go because I keep thinking he’ll get better and everything will be fine but the thing is I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to hold on. It’s verbal torture. I stopped talking to him for the past two days and refused to do anything for him because of a lot of stuff he said to me. I don’t understand what I should do. Am I getting sins for treating him like this despite his behaviour? 

Salam sister 

May Allah make it easy for u

has he ever gone to therapy before? 

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@FatimaR Sister, for how long have you been married? Do you have kids? 

If he is seeing a psychologist or therapist for his depression you should discuss his anger outbursts with the therapist. The first thing would be to try and figure out of this is due to his depression or is he generally treating you badly.

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Sounds very similar to my "ex".  He was a sceamer, and often physically abusive.  I did everything for him, and he didn't see this, nor did he care.  He suffered from some undiagnosed mental illness that I know believe was bipoloar disorder.  There is nothing you can do to help him.  He needs to be on medication, and under a doctors care.  I always say, look out for yourself first.  He is a grown man, and he has to make the decision to do better as in getting help.  You have nothing to do with his illness, he inherited the tendency.  Never burden yourself believing that God wants this from you.  Perhaps your society, your family his family may convince you that it is a wifes duty, and it is, but if he is killing you spirit and is no longer a husband in the most important way, then it's no longer a marriage in the important way.  Continue to love him, pray for him, but plan a divorce.

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10 hours ago, FatimaR said:

Actually he wasn’t like this before. He does have a temper but before it wasn’t nearly as bad as this. His family members like his dad, brother think that it’s because of his depression that he is acting this way.

In a lot of instances, you'll find the family of the abuser making excuses for inexcusable behaviour. 

Would they be happy if you were to treat him the way he treated you? I'm pretty sure they wouldn't. Nor will they accept excuses. 

 

Quote

I mean I also think that but it’s too much to tolerate. Like he gets angry out of the blue without a reason and when I say angry I mean the screaming, shouting and throwing things kind of angry. 
 

Screaming, shouting and throwing things is abusive behaviour. Even if the stuff isn't thrown directly at you. The fact that it causes anxiety and fear in you amounts to domestic violence. 

Keep in mind abusers who get their way and aren't challenged tend to become worse. You've been with him long enough to realise that his 'temper' is getting worse. 

 

Quote

Am I getting sins for behaving like this with my husband? Should I keep excusing his behaviour thinking that he is depressed?

Honestly, if you did nothing about the situation and allowed him to carry on, you would be sinning. Because you would allow him to put you through further injustice and basically legitimising the abuse. 

I don't know whether there's any medical professionals involved with him or if you two have children, but you need to start figuring things out to protect yourself/children from further harm.

 

Edited by Moalfas

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