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Gaius I. Caesar

[SERIOUS] I had a talk with my mother and now, I'm feeling conflicted and lost.

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Alhamdulilah, 

May Allah help you in your case and may Allah grant you ease by fulfilling your needs. I would say contact the sheikhs in Canada. Insha’Allah,  perhaps it would be worth a shot to utilize every source that you have in order to obtain what you are seeking. 

Make sure to let your Mom know she is not ruining your life. She is still there with you helping as much as she can. Everything is by the will of Allah. If marriage is in the grand plan it will happen and if not Allah will marry you in Jannah to the best of spouses. May Allah grant all of us patience to endure in our personal struggles. 

One thing about match making sites is that people are extremely selective and miss out on potential mates due to their tedious credential screening. Might help to understand how you are going about things in this process. 

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6 minutes ago, AbdulKarim313_Austin/Nola said:

Make sure to let your Mom know she is not ruining your life. She is still there with you helping as much as she can.

What would you suggest I say to show her that she's not ruining my life? What would the best way to explain this to her?

 

9 minutes ago, AbdulKarim313_Austin/Nola said:

If marriage is in the grand plan it will happen and if not Allah will marry you in Jannah to the best of spouses.

Insha'Allah, although he knows what's in my heart and in my heart, I don't want to marry a houri. 

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1 hour ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

What would you suggest I say to show her that she's not ruining my life? What would the best way to explain this to her?

 

Insha'Allah, although he knows what's in my heart and in my heart, I don't want to marry a houri. 

Alhamdulilah,

Well I would suggest telling her how much you appreciate the help she has given you over the years. She has been a blessing by the grace of Allah  because surely your path could have been even more difficult without her. Speak kindly to her and speak from the heart. This will be more blessings for you. As Muslims we must remember not to  concentrate on what we don’t have and and remember to be more appreciative about the blessings we do have. 

As to you not wanting a Houri? *Shrugs*  There will be many people in Jahannam wishing they had bounties given to them by Allah. Why would you want to decline bounties and blessings given to you by Allah rather it be in this world or the hereafter? Also spouses of Jannah are not just houri. There will be many women and men who will enter Jannah without a spouse and those who are single will be wedded to each other if they desire. The believing women entering Jannah will be even more beautiful than even the houri. 

Edited by AbdulKarim313_Austin/Nola

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14 minutes ago, AbdulKarim313_Austin/Nola said:

Why would you want to decline bounties and blessings given to you by Allah rather it be in this world or the hereafter? 

I just figured that just being in the presence of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is greater than any of the rewards promised in the Qur'an. That and a body freed from cerebral palsy but I don't want to go too deep into that particular subject.

22 minutes ago, AbdulKarim313_Austin/Nola said:

She has been a blessing by the grace of Allah  because surely your path could have been even more difficult without her.

 Not to sound dramatic but I would been dead without her. She's the sole reason I was able to accomplish anything and made me the person I am today.

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3 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

As we were talking, my mom said  " I feel like I'm ruining your life." and I didn't really know how to respond that, because it rang so true

I wonder what made her say this because even without knowing you in real life I know this isn't correct. Like you said your Mum is the reason behind whatever you have accomplished in life. She isn't standing in the way of your marriage in any way so I don't know how living away from her would improve your prospects of getting married. Any idea why she said that? Anything specific or is she suffering from guilt, something all single parents go through now and then 'I-couldn't-give-my-child-the life- he/she-deserved'?

Regarding marriage,GC, I don't know what to say expect keep trying. Contact those Sheikhs in Canada,maybe something good will come up.Keep praying, I know you already are. It's very unfortunate, this 'survival of the fittest' mentality that is the normal mode of life in western countries (but we are also quickly catching up). People do not want to stop from the rat race to think about people who are physically,socially, financially or emotionally lagging behind and might need a hand. 

3 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I realize that my disability is lot more limiting than I thought and I'm feeling really angry at myself.

Please don't be. Because it isn't.  You know I could have written this line: 

Quote

All I want is stability, a house that doesn't kill my body and somewhere that I can come home to

and I do not have the medical condition that you do so it isn't you. Believe me. Everyday, every single day I ask myself,'what would I do if something happens to my Mum,how will I survive' The reasons might be different (which I do not want to go in the detail of) but the stability and survival situation is the same( some nights it keeps me awake). So it's not you or the fact that you aren't physically able like some of us. Please stop thinking on these lines. 

What I tell myself and it might work for you:

1. Mothers, spouses, relatives are just a medium for bringing comfort, security, peace in our lives, or in some case problems...lolz.... but they are just a channel that's it, the real forve is Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). He send the tests for us.It could be test of ease or test of hardship.

If He has chosen comfort and peace for you, He will keep the channel going or replace one with another. It could be your mother, aunt, wife or even strangers. Anyone can bring stability in your life if He(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) wants. However, if He decides to test you with problems then despite having a healthy mind and body, a  supportive family, lots of money your life could be riddled with troubles. So ask Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for 'khayr' and leave it to Him to decide the person through which He sends good to your life. 

2. Sometimes, when you look around and see no human support despite all the duas and efforts then think it of as a time when Allah has taken away all the human crutches because He wants you to resort to Him and Him alone. It's such a blessing when Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) removes everything but Himself from your life!!

3. Your heart is troubled right now. This would be the prefect time to write a letter to Imam e Zamana(عليه السلام)! Do wudhu, take a clean paper and pen and pour your heart out to him(عليه السلام). If you can't put it in a body of water, just fold it keep it somewhere clean. Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) loves us and Imam Zamana(عليه السلام) worries about his Shias more than anyone else. Inshallah you will be helped. 

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Why angry at yourself?! It isnt your fault that you are disabled. I hope that you find a very nice wife. I have seen disabled people on TV who had good marriages so I am sure you can have, too.

And I am also 100% sure that you can survive without your mother's help. Humans are much strobger than what they think.

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By the way, maybe this narration makes you feel better: I saw a narration which says that when Imam Mahdi appears, all blind or disabled people will be healed. 

I have studied a lot about the signs of appearance, estimates, numbers, calculations,...it seems that it will happen in a very very near future. So be hopeful!

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1 hour ago, starlight said:

Any idea why she said that? Anything specific or is she suffering from guilt, something all single parents go through now and then 'I-couldn't-give-my-child-the life- he/she-deserved'?

Probably because the house is a nightmare and there's stairs and it's hard on my body. Not to mention my mother is often distracted from talking, helping or listening to my grandfather rant. By the time, it's all said and done, she's too tired to wash dishes or to help me. So I suffer health wise and socially because of this unique circumstance of mine.  I'm not how much longer I can take physically take living there, I'm not as strong as I used to be. 

1 hour ago, starlight said:

2. Sometimes, when you look around and see no human support despite all the duas and efforts then think it of as a time when Allah has taken away all the human crutches because He wants you to resort to Him and Him alone. It's such a blessing when Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) removes everything but Himself from your life!!

^This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't physically falling apart  and  stuck upstairs most of the time unless it's a school week or I've been invited to something. I'm going out tomorrow  afternoon.

From 2013 to 2017, I was practically stuck upstairs all the time.  College changed that but still, not normal or right.

 

1 hour ago, starlight said:

3. Your heart is troubled right now. This would be the prefect time to write a letter to Imam e Zamana(عليه السلام)! Do wudhu, take a clean paper and pen and pour your heart out to him(عليه السلام). If you can't put it in a body of water, just fold it keep it somewhere clean. Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) loves us and Imam Zamana(عليه السلام) worries about his Shias more than anyone else. Inshallah you will be helped

I wish I was troubled, makes it feel like it's only temporary and that's just a passing phase.  But no, I been having really dark thoughts, but I guess I'll do that. Go to Matunuck beach and give my letter to Imam (afts).

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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59 minutes ago, starlight said:

stop thinking on these lines. 

Sister, there's always going to be that voice in the back of my mind. Asking me to stop thinking about it, won't make it go away but I'll try my best to minimize it.

 

19 minutes ago, shadow_of_light said:

I have studied a lot about the signs of appearance, estimates, numbers, calculations,...it seems that it will happen in a very very near future

Many have studied this subject and made predictions on the arrival of the Mahdi (afts), they almost always wrong. His arrival is known only to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

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On 12/4/2019 at 3:33 AM, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Many have studied this subject and made predictions on the arrival of the Mahdi (afts), they almost always wrong. His arrival is known only to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

There is no harm in being hopeful.

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On 12/4/2019 at 3:19 AM, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Probably because the house is a nightmare and there's stairs and it's hard on my body. Not to mention my mother is often distracted from talking, helping or listening to my grandfather rant. By the time, it's all said and done, she's too tired to wash dishes or to help me. So I suffer health wise and socially because of this unique circumstance of mine.  I'm not how much longer I can take physically take living there, I'm not as strong as I used to be. 

^This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't physically falling apart  and  stuck upstairs most of the time unless it's a school week or I've been invited to something. I'm going out tomorrow  afternoon.

Can you buy a dishwasher?

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On 12/4/2019 at 3:19 AM, Gaius I. Caesar said:

From 2013 to 2017, I was practically stuck upstairs all the time.  College changed that but still, not normal or right.

I wish I was troubled, makes it feel like it's only temporary and that's just a passing phase.  But no, I been having really dark thoughts, but I guess I'll do that. Go to Matunuck beach and give my letter to Imam (afts).

See the link below, please:

https://www.dlf.org.uk/factsheets/stairs

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4 hours ago, starlight said:

If He has chosen comfort and peace for you, He will keep the channel going or replace one with another. It could be your mother, aunt, wife or even strangers. Anyone can bring stability in your life if He(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) wants. However, if He decides to test you with problems then despite having a healthy mind and body, a  supportive family, lots of money your life could be riddled with troubles. So ask Allah(سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for 'khayr' and leave it to Him to decide the person through which He sends good to your life. 

I could not have said it better. 

 

@Gaius I. Caesar

I'm not going to pretend that I know how you feel because only you know the difficulties and hardships you face on a daily basis.

What I can say, from personal experience is that the more you knock on Allah's door, the more you'll realise that he's giving you strength and determination to keep up the fight and making the impossible possible.

Your body might be weaker but your mind is your most powerful asset. Your determination in overcoming the hurdles and the versatile solutions that you will come up with, not only to get by, but to excel in anything you want to excel in.

You have a lot more strength than you think. The power of your mind and intelligence can beat any able bodied athlete. 

You might have a physical disability, but it doesn't have you. It doesn't define you. 

I pray to Allah by the special status he has for Imam Ali Zainul Abideen, that he gives you the strength, perseverance and the patience you need to overcome all the difficulties you face and to open the doors for you in finding the right person who'll help with your stability, give you serenity and completes your Deen. 

Edited by Moalfas
Typo

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Guest Brother IR

Salam brother,

It is actually extremely unfortunate that those who are less abled-bodied have to go through a lot of stigma in today's society, particularly certain cultures which Muslims, and Shias dominate. I have personally worked with people, particularly those who are your age (young men, still not in that middle-age), who have the very natural need to want to find a partner, who have desires just like everyone else, emotionally and physically but struggle because of the ignorance surrounding their particular condition. I want to try to give some honest advice here that may help you, and in order to do so, we need to really look at how Allah subhana wa ta'Allah has created women, what they look at, and the obstacles you may need to overcome. In order to do this, we will need to be honest about what you can't do, but most importantly, place a heavy focus on what you can do.

I'm going to break this down into what women are looking for, what the taboo's are, and how you can maximise your chances. I take a very scientific,not-so-politically correct and honest approach, because the last thing I want to be doing here is giving you platitudes when you really need practical advice. I want you to become the best version of yourself, and improve so much you not only shock yourself, but you increase your value in the marriage market, your worth to yourself and also your ability to attract a partner. All men have to do it to varying degrees.

I strongly believe if you put these into effect , over time, your chances will increase manifold. It will take time, you will have to look at yourself and be prepared to work hard, face obstacles, pain, disappointment, but the version of yourself you will become I hope will be worth it, insha Allah.

A cousin of mine had an accident as a child, which left him using a wheel-chair permanently. Yet, he's currently doing a PHD, he's won medals in paralympic sports, his upper body is muscular and he puts every single one of us to shame in that department. He dresses nice and stylish, is assured, and mentally strong. 

 

Steps to take

These are some key areas I have identified which every man may need to work on, but some may apply to you in particular, though I don't know of your exact condition (and I understand if you want to keep it private). I know of many men by the way, who are in a similar position to you, some far less abled, who have managed to find partners and I will detail you how they did it.

Mentally

It needs to start with you. You have to build a fortress to go through rejections, to take a realistic look at yourself and work to improve, even if those areas may take a lot more effort than they would an average person. You have been dealt with more difficult cards, but you have to use that pain or sadness to fuel you. I recommend listening to voices which are realistic about the suffering of life, but which offer hope and optimism that isn't farfetched and can be dreamt of. Jordan Peterson's videos on YouTube are definitely one I would recommend. He doesn't sugar coat it; life is suffering; you can transcend that suffering incrementally and climb your way out; even if it doesn't work, the process of doing so will make you far better than where you started anyway. You need to become the sort of man who when he talks with a woman, isn't apologetic about his situation, and can showcase without boasting, his achievements, who is he, and so ensure that he is seen for who he is, and not through his medical condition. That is a fine and delicate balancing act, and you will need physical , material proof of it, but it has to start mentally. As you begin to achieve more, this will fuel the process. There will be very difficult times which is why you need to find a way to fortify and grow stronger in this department. 

There are many inter-abled couples in the Muslim, but also the non-Muslim community. I would definitely look up Shane Bercow, and his fiancé, Hannah, who are raising awareness about this.

 

Physically 

When we examine scientific studies, we note that Allah has created in women a tendency to want certain physical characteristics. Most women tend to prefer men taller than them, broad-shouldered (or wide-chested), with deeper voices, symmetrical features, a healthy head of hair. While we human beings can also look at the inner, and at piety , personality, there is no doubt how we look is important. You need to work on as many of these physical traits as you can, if it is medically acceptable for you. On the online profiles you make, this is often the first thing women will see if you put up a photo (although people can often talk before showing pictures). They will then within milliseconds decide if you are a potential partner or not, on average. You need to maximise everything.  

1 You mentioned you use a wheel-chair, but I know of many who are in wheel-chairs but are able to work their upper body to some degree. Can you work your upper body? A muscular upper physique can be seen in many Paralympic sportsmen, and it is incredibly impressive and demonstrates strength and he aforementioned characteristics. It also helps to balance out ignorant perceptions people may make, particularly potential women looking in at you, at your ability to look after them. If you are able to work out your upper body, I can point you to many websites and YouTube channels dedicated to those with similar conditions to you. Don't worry if you can't do this because I know individuals who are bed-bound and have to be hoisted into a wheel-chair still winning medals in certain paralympic sports and I'll detail this later.

Just take a look at this guy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wYF6SC9bUk

2.  Now, your appearance facially is another important thing, and to other guys I would normally put this first, but because I want you to overcome the perceptions of weakness and other ignorant things suitors might have, I placed you physique first. However, this is also an important area. The face is essential for human courting and selection. You need to do everything in your power to improve this - as we all do - within limits of course.

1. Hair: Does your hair suit your face shape? You need to really look at this, because a good hair-cut can give people a completely different idea of who you are. If it's too long it can hide your good features, and if it's too short , or the wrong shape or cut, it can make your face seem-off. If you have features that are too strong, you might want to soften them. Go online, and look up hair-cuts for face shapes and then experiment. Invest in shampoo's and good conditioners for your hair-type, and take pride in how you style your hair.

2. Bone structure: Yes, you can't necessarily change this a big deal, but it is now well-known that your tongue posture even past puberty as an adult can , over time, make your face grow forward, give you better cheekbones and jawline. The technique is called Mewing and everyone should do this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wYF6SC9bUk

3. Skin: This is essential and indicates health to potential mates. I would recommend , unless you are allergic, to get a Vitamin C serum which you put on during the day, and a Niacinamide and Zinc serum which you put on at night (but don't put them on together). Use mild chemical peels, and wear non-oily sunscreen during the day, and perhaps moisturise during the night too. Change your pillow case every four or five days, to stop dirt and bacteria building up. You want to maximise your health and project that.

4. Teeth: I can't emphasise the big difference white teeth make. If you're American, get Crest-White strips to whiten your teeth. They contain a small amount of hydrogen peroxide, which are the only thing that can whiten your teeth, compared to knock-offs that only dry the enamel and make it look whiter but do nothing. They are FDA approved in America, and try to get it from a trusted store.

5. Clothes: This is essential for every man. Given you are in a wheel-chair, you need to try to dress just as well. If you are able to work your upper body, then a fitted smart shirt on the top, combined with smart, dark and not-too-loose trousers, paired with decent shoes would help. Take your wardrobe seriously. Baggy tops, hoodies, trousers that are too long, old shoes should not be on your online profiles, nor your wardrobe. You need to enhance , look competent, in control and mature.

 

Financially 

Do you work at the moment brother, in any context? You mention you have moved in with your mum, but a big part of what women want is a man who has resources. Biologically, they are hard-wired to look for men with resources and have an innate attraction for such men. Status is also part and parcel of this and can indirectly indicate this too. I know that America is far less welcoming and accepting than the United Kingdom is in this regard. Do you think you could migrate to the UK, or even Canada? That would be a good start, but moving countries on your own with your conditions might be difficult.

So let us assume you stay in the US. In order to maximise your chances of attracting a partner, you need to demonstrate self-sufficiency. There are many jobs you could do that pay well, and are perfectly suited for someone who uses a wheelchair:

1. Computer programming. I can't emphasise this enough. The pay is very, very good, and it is perfectly suited to your wheelchair use. It would take effort to learn, but you are clearly intelligent. You could branch off in different areas, and you can also be largely self-taught. If you have dedication, passion and drive you could free-lance, work for a company, you name it. 

There are many other jobs you can find here: https://www.rollingwithoutlimits.com/view-post/Five-Great-Jobs-For-People-In-Wheelchairs 

The main thing is, you need to go for this and put in sweat equity. Write books, code, be creative, try affiliate marketing, have multiple streams and sources of income and a skill that makes you valuable to the market and requires effort and intelligence to acquire. 

Socially

If you are less physically abled, trying out paralympic sports (on top of working your upper body, but don't worry if you can't) is a great way to pursue another passion. Try and look at the various ones, and go for it and try something, and do not underestimate what you can do. 

 

So now imagine your online profiles being the following:

1. Four pictures of you, demonstrating great style, improved physique, aesthetics. One photo can be sitting on a chair , with friends and family. Another can be in a sports club designed for people not as physically abled, even perhaps a shot of you doing the sport (two of these would be great). A final one can be in your wheel-chair, dressed well and stylish and looking confident, strong, and assured,. Perhaps a fifth can be you in a car. In your profile you have extensive interests, you have a job and career that pays well or somewhat pays enough to make you not reliant on anyone. Your chances of finding someone go up exponentially it isn't even a joke. You transcend your condition, you become something else entirely.

 

The most important thing of all , is to solely rely on Allah, the Almighty. He is the best to plead to, the one who knows you better than you know yourself. Make an oath and promise to him, cry to him, plead to him, beg to him. 

I sincerely wish you the best. Do give me a reply if I have been ignorant about anything or if you want me to elaborate on anything.

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Guest Brother IR

One more thing brother, is that while I commend you trying, the famous phrase is that if you do what you've always done, you're going to get what you've always got. There is no shame in taking honest stock, improving yourself, and then giving it another go, especially given you're young.

Antony Joshua lost, in shock defeat a boxing bout with Andy Ruiz JR, a man considered overweight with no chance. He was soundly defeated by Ruiz, such that people even questioned if he was good enough.

The problem with Joshua is that he was a tank, very muscular, but slow, and not a natural boxer with his reflexes and reactions. He has not approached the rematch and just gone at it again. Sometimes, it might be worth just trying again as it could be bad luck. Other times, it could be a sign of the need to improve, reinvent, take honest stock.

What he's done is now slimmed down, improved reflexes and sparring and approached this fight differently. 

He may lose the fight, but there are times we need to reinvent ourselves and make those necessary changes.

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Guest Brother IR
5 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Sister, there's always going to be that voice in the back of my mind. Asking me to stop thinking about it, won't make it go away but I'll try my best to minimize it.

 

Many have studied this subject and made predictions on the arrival of the Mahdi (afts), they almost always wrong. His arrival is known only to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

I think relying on the arrival of Imam al-Mahdi (ajfs) in this context is unhelpful. Over the thousand plus years he has gone, and even when he was present in the minor occultation, people suffered, died, were tortured, went through problems. People began to think he'll come back well over a thousand years ago, and began preparing since then, and every generation since. Many fabricated traditions about what would happen if he returned, when he returned, such that truth turned into legend, and legend into myth, and what was truth was admixed with hopeful fantasies. 

Trust in Allah, take the necessary practical steps, and that is all we can do. 

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Have you tried secular matchmaking sites? They have a larger population, though you'll have to waste more time screening out non-religious people. That's how I met my husband. Loneliness makes decision making harder. If you do go this route, be cautious. 

Are you or your grandfather eligible for an in-home nurse through the department of social services? I understand your family wanting to be independent, but it would relieve some of the burden on your mother and possibly make things easier for you if you can tolerate a stranger in the home to help with physical tasks. 

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Guest Brother IR
6 hours ago, starlight said:

Regarding marriage,GC, I don't know what to say expect keep trying. Contact those Sheikhs in Canada,maybe something good will come up.Keep praying, I know you already are. It's very unfortunate, this 'survival of the fittest' mentality that is the normal mode of life in western countries (but we are also quickly catching up). People do not want to stop from the rat race to think about people who are physically,socially, financially or emotionally lagging behind and might need a hand. 

Dear Sister,

On this point I would actually argue Western countries are far more progressive on average and welcoming of people who are less physically abled, from infrastructure, to willingness to marry their daughter to them. Muslim communities , and the East in particular, have a much stronger taboo against those who are less physically abled when it comes to marriage. 

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Guest Brother IR
7 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

 Not to sound dramatic but I would been dead without her. She's the sole reason I was able to accomplish anything and made me the person I am today.

May Allah reward your mother. But perhaps this is why she may feel like she is ruining your life, even subconsciously. Your mother has in a way, acted like a rope as you climb out of the challenges of your life. However, it is a rope that is tied to your waist, stopping you from climbing any higher at a certain point. Perhaps you now need to make the rest of the climb, without a rope. 

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7 minutes ago, Guest Brother IR said:

I would actually argue Western countries are far more progressive on average and welcoming of people who are less physically abled, from infrastructure, to willingness to marry their daughter to them. Muslim communities , and the East in particular, have a much stronger taboo against those who are less physically abled when it comes to marriage

I was talking in terms of generally caring about people who need extra care. Sending family members to old homes and institutions is still a taboo here. Physically disabled people still find spouses in families alhumdollilah. Work opportunities may be limited but east is still a bit less worldly oriented and better in terms of human care.

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Guest die!Monad

 I know folk like to curse me here, if it helps I cracked my rib the other day. I think a few folk here were like dieeeeee Monad, how dare you speak the truth you heathen!. :furious::hahaha:

Guest Brother IR --- yeah brroooo I use loreal and oil of poolay cause I am worth it. Where do you get this thrash from. Youtube?..... the place where everyone is a know it all and gives advice using scientific studies which are studies conducted in particular demographics or socio economic groups.

1 hour ago, Guest Brother IR said:

, his upper body is muscular and he puts every single one of us to shame in that department. He dresses nice and stylish, is assured, and mentally strong. 

perhaps follow your own advice. We love to praise the tennats of others as association claims prestige but always find excuses when it comes to overselves.

 

Your  post espouses confusion, as you proclaim a form of scientific proof of innate proclivites ,then proclaim one should cry and beg to God. What exactly do you expect God to do in this situation?? Go against the very nature of what he has created to be?

Truth is, no one is really hard wired for anything. We are conditioned from birth to death depending on what the status quo of the environement or now the world is. What you have claimed is that

A: If one is poor, forget marriage. Contradicting the words of your God.

B: Some Studies show bald man to be smarter.... What if the op is bald, or males eventually go bald and still have not found ms right, due to health, socio economic conditions?. Cannot exactly comb his hair. Hair styles are changing depending on which famous male the peasants are following. Character is when one decides their own style.

C: one can only study a particular subject based on the given intellect. Intellect can improve but if one is not born with it, it means one has to climb a mountain, while those given it, will fly there in a helicoper reaching the peak quicker. Probably crying that it is talking too long and there is no internet connection.

D: Not everyone can afford medical or have to go forgo medical due to financial needs. See A.

E: Career wise, any career can make one filthy rich, it all depends on one exploits it. 99% of us do not know how.

G: Single abled bodied folk also struggle to find partners. Some reach old age and never do. This is the reality.

blahblah, wasting my time.

If you want a scientific study. The basic one is called exposure. The more a male or female is exposed to the opposite gender, applied with good behavior, ethics, confidence, goal oriented and some idea of independence coupled with an exciting life style that will allow a form of attraction to help. Females need good memories and to feel good around a male. All that mambo jambo you have written is thrash. That is just for the sake of appearance but bonds occur during exposure.

To the op.

You need to expose your self to women. The more they see and be around you, that is the only way someone can see the quality in you and not the problem that you see in you. That is the challenge of life. If you are lucky you will laugh if not, you can join my boat of loners and we can go fishing together in stormy deep blue sea with sharks.

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Maybe get in contact with someone who has been in a similar situation and ask how they dealt with it. It’s better to ask people with experience. I’m sure there are societies and group gatherings for people with disabilities, someone from there must know something

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6 hours ago, Guest Brother IR said:

I'm going to break this down into what women are looking for, what the taboo's are, and how you can maximise your chances. I take a very scientific,not-so-politically correct and honest approach, because the last thing I want to be doing here is giving you platitudes when you really need practical advice

Thanks but you going in with a  hell of assumptions about me, on things that I haven't even addressed yet. I was in a relationship twice and I have a general idea of what women want.

 

5 hours ago, Guest Brother IR said:

On this point I would actually argue Western countries are far more progressive on average and welcoming of people who are less physically abled, from infrastructure, to willingness to marry their daughter to them. Muslim communities , and the East in particular, have a much stronger taboo against those who are less physically abled when it comes to marriage

^Somehow, I doubt you live in a Western  country. If you did, I doubt you would even write what you wrote.

4 hours ago, Ibn Al-Shahid said:

Maybe get in contact with someone who has been in a similar situation and ask how they dealt with it. It’s better to ask people with experience. I’m sure there are societies and group gatherings for people with disabilities, someone from there must know something

Which I have been doing, currently in a cerebral palsy group and yesterday really depressed me because how very little there is for us in support despite living in one of the most "progressive" countries. The US in particular is too engrossed with "Black Lives Matter" or autism to really give a damn about people like me. The only medical data about my disability  is from the 1950's, from children and teens before hauled to a psychiatric hospital for an indefinite stay and/or dying young as an adult. There's nothing in terms of data for later in life when I'm older and to make  things worse, the disability is on a spectrum and varies wildly between people.

Also it has been infuriating  and disturbing for me talking to some who let their disability define how they act, who they associate with,  going on and on about CP "culture ". Honey, it's a disability, not  a new ethnicity or race, you're not special.  Cerebral Palsy doesn't deserve a culture. 

A waiting list is not help either, it's just more stress. I have a feeling I might die soon if my living arrangements don't improve.

Yet already, I can hear  a "Well, if you die, maybe you'll die a shahid" or some nonsense like that. Please, stop. I haven't gone on Umrah or Hajj yet, I don't intend on leaving this mortal coil without doing the pilgrimages. It doesn't ellict the same feeling of hope that you're feeling in me.

6 hours ago, Guest Brother IR said:

Four pictures of you, demonstrating great style, improved physique, aesthetics. One photo can be sitting on a chair , with friends and family. Another can be in a sports club designed for people not as physically abled, even perhaps a shot of you doing the sport (two of these would be great). A final one can be in your wheel-chair, dressed well and stylish and looking confident, strong, and assured,. Perhaps a fifth can be you in a car.

There's just one problem with all of this. It costs money, which  I don't have because I'm giving it  to Mom to make sure a family of four doesn't starve to death.

I can't get a job because all the jobs that I  qualify for on paper require physical labor.  For obvious reasons, I am not doing that. So I been going to school instead and even then I feel a lot of frustration and anger.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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Guest Kalbulzahra

Salam. I will pray for you. I met one shaykh in Ohio his wife had CP. So there's hope.I would contact Iraqi shaykhs in Dearborn alot of disabled muminina who need marriage maybe you could help each other. 

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42 minutes ago, Guest Kalbulzahra said:

Salam. I will pray for you. I met one shaykh in Ohio his wife had CP. So there's hope.I would contact Iraqi shaykhs in Dearborn alot of disabled muminina who need marriage maybe you could help each other. 

I'm not interested in marrying a disabled person because it's hard enough looking after myself, I doubt I could look after somebody else with CP,  plus I would feel really bad if I added more pressure and stress to her life as well. I'm terribly sorry for the disappointment.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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Guest Brother IR
2 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Thanks but you going in with a  hell of assumptions about me, on things that I haven't even addressed yet. I was in a relationship twice and I have a general idea of what women want.

Salam brother,

I in a way, tried to go in without making too many assumptions, and wanted to give you advice I generically would for most guys, but maybe tailoring it for someone in your situation. If you've tried most of what I've advised here, then great brother.  It was just a comprehensive post, for you to take anything of value, if at all. I often ask for advice for various things and sit down and listen to whatever I get, no matter how basic, because I know that is how to learn and grow, and because no matter what I feel I may know, I may learn something. 

2 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Thanks but you going in with a  hell of assumptions about me, on things that I haven't even addressed yet. I was in a relationship twice and I have a general idea of what women want.

 While America does have a long way to catch up, Europe/Canada in general are light years ahead of Eastern countries. I'm involved intimately , in part, working with those with who are less able-bodied, so I know exactly what I'm talking about. I don't deny there are challenges brother, and you probably are far more knowledgable about that than any of us, but I do stand by what I said. 

Ultimately you are in my Duas brother. I sincerely wish you well. 

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19 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

So last night, I had a discussion with my mom and we got on the subject on how difficult it is for me to find someone to be in a relationship. We both agreed that no matter what it would be many times more difficult for me than an abled bodied person to pursue a relationship. 

As we were talking, my mom said  " I feel like I'm ruining your life." and I didn't really know how to respond that, because it rang so true. Ever since I moved up to live with my mother, my needs have been not met and been ignored. I get it, it's really difficult for a person to take care of a disabled and elderly person at the same time  but it's  becoming more and more one-sided.

Also  my mother is getting older and weaker  and I'm getting older too. Yet my grandfather is constantly demanding attention from her and sometimes, has bad days. He's gotten so negative, that I don't even want to be around him and hate watching him affect my mother to the point that she's almost too physically exhausted to help me up the stairs.  I don't think he realizes how much help I need  and I was very disappointed in him when Mom told me on two occasions that she thought my grandfather was jealous of me.

My family for the most part, does their own thing and only comes for the holidays, so it's a given fact that they won't help. That's okay, I don't want their help anyway.

I had asked for help on ShiaChat earlier regarding marriage, was sent the contract of two sheikhs in Canada. I haven't contacted them yet, and admittedly I'm really apprehensive to, because I'm not Canadian.

At this point, I don't know what to  do or expect anymore. I have been feeling really uptight and feeling pressure to get married because what of happened in the summer of last year, I had a similar discussion to this with my aunt  about being more independent and she had suggested "assisted living " which is really just a nice byword for nursing home.

Last time, she suggested that I go to some program for special needs people and turned out was for those with severe mental handicaps. I don't know what she's thinking but it should have extremely apparent to her. If something  were to happen to Mom, I have no doubt my aunt would try to put me in a place like it again. I don't trust her quite frankly. If I get married, it's assured that I'm untouchable to my aunt, don't get me wrong, I love her but again, but I don't trust her much.

There's so many things wrong with this picture.  All I want is stability, a house that doesn't kill my body and somewhere that I can come home to that's isn't my family on both sides.

Thoughts? Government programs and masjids are a no go. I tried every match making site under the sun and I wasn't really impressed. I don't know, as soon as Mom said that, all these feelings have come to the surface and I realize that my disability is lot more limiting than I thought and I'm feeling really angry at myself.

Felt the need to reply to you GC, I feel sorry to hear this from you. You got all my love and support!

A recurring problem I see with disabled people, or rather people with some sort of socially acknowledged disadvantage, is this condescendence received from others. This lack of positive expectations may influence the way you view and understand yourself and your actual capabilities. Guilt, anger, and anxiety become common feelings in your heart because of this. An effective support network is necessary. Some may indeed find it in a spouse, others, in friends. Nonetheless, support networks, by themselves, may also become a black hole if they don't focus on building a positive view of yourself.

This pressure for marriage may become, in fact, a source of distress. Marriage can be a good source of support, but you need, above all, support, not necessarily a wife.

You may need to take distance GC, for real, from everything. You may need to be alone with yourself in order to be able to listen to yourself.

I hope you can see your life with other colors soon GC *hugs*

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3 hours ago, Bakir said:

A recurring problem I see with disabled people, or rather people with some sort of socially acknowledged disadvantage, is this condescendence received from others.

Precisely, that and from my own family. Regardless of that, I don't hate them. I keep thinking somebody's going to misinterpret the thread and think I'm being ungrateful, sorry for repeating myself.

@starlight and @ali_fatheroforphans - Read this, this is the truth.

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31 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

Precisely, that and from my own family. Regardless of that, I don't hate them. I keep thinking somebody's going to misinterpret the thread and think I'm being ungrateful, sorry for repeating myself.

@starlight and @ali_fatheroforphans - Read this, this is the truth.

I know GC. People can be very unkind. Lots of people who have their lives going smoothly tend to have this air of patronising superiority. Little do they know they are going through the bigger of the two tests - the test of ease and many of them are failing miserably. 

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18 hours ago, starlight said:

I know GC. People can be very unkind. Lots of people who have their lives going smoothly tend to have this air of patronising superiority. Little do they know they are going through the bigger of the two tests - the test of ease and many of them are failing miserably. 

Alhamdulilah, 

 

It is reported from Imam Ja‘far as-Sadiq that Allah revealed to Dawud to give good tidings of Paradise to Khalaawaa daughter of Aus and also to inform her that in Paradise she will remain near him. Dawud went to her house and knocked the door. The woman came out and asked whether there was any Divine order about her. Hearing the reply in the affirmative, she asked what it was. Dawud narrated to her the Command of Allah. She asked was there any other woman by the same name as of her? Dawud said, “No. Allah has given good tidings especially to you.” She said, “O messenger of Allah! I cannot ascribe untruth to you. But, by Allah, I do not find any such distinction in me which can be the cause of this great honor.” Dawud said, “Let me know about your personal matters.” She said, “It is only that during every trouble, pain, starvation or any other adversity I did nothing but have been patient and complained to none but only One Allah and asked Him alone to remove my hardship. I remained happy at His will and have been only thankful to Him.” Dawud said, “You got this great status only due to this virtue of yours. This is the very way and the religion which Allah has selected for His good servants.”

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As someone has previously mentioned, you sound like you are very intelligent. In this era, mental disability is much worse than physical disability. You can make a youtube channel. You have a lot of knowledge and you will be surprised to see how many people want to listen to you if you have knowledge, even if your knowledge is of no use to them. You are also eloquent, I believe you can try online tutoring. If you earn some money, and you are able to hire some help, you can solve some of your problems. Marriage is not the solution, if you cannot trust your extended family, why do you think a stranger will be willing to help you?

You have citizenship, you can bring a girl from some poor country and hope that she will be grateful for the opportunity of a great life in west, and that's why she will help you, but such people become entitled. You mentioned that you don't want to marry another disabled person, but believe me only a disabled person will be able to understand you. Most people are arrogant, a normal person will always see you as inferior and she will think that she is doing a HUGE favor to you by getting married to you.

Your mother feels guilty about not helping you enough, which means she respects you and that's because of your intellect. I am in no way dependent upon my parents, still I am not able to fulfill responsibilities of community and extended family, and that's why they consider me a burden. 

You should earn money through any means, making a youtube channel might seem silly to you, but with your intelligence, you can really use it to earn good money. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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1 hour ago, rkazmi33 said:

mentioned that you don't want to marry another disabled person, but believe me only a disabled person will be able to understand you. Most people are arrogant, a normal person will always see you as inferior and she will think that she is doing a HUGE favor to you by getting married to you.

I think you are wrong here,  my reasons for not marrying a disabled person, are as follows:

1) What if she gets hurt or injured in some way and I am unable to help and she suffers? Do you  realize how much guilt I will be feeling?

2) I want children, if disabled with my  disability, those contractions and the general strain on a body with CP with far more intensity and stress for a woman with CP. It could very well lead to death.

3) My disability is on a spectrum, ranging from having a limp to being locked in their body and with severe mental handicaps. Everyone has different  experiences with cerebral palsy. However those like me  are few and between.

4) You said that most  normal people will look down on me and never understand me, that may be true but also my intelligence and personality also, so that usually makes them rethink their choice of words. I think the most arrogant and condescending bunch of people I've met so far are the people in r/cerebral palsy and the Cerebral Palsy discord channel. I don't need to embrace my disability to overcome it, I'm not Cerebral Palsy.

 I don't define myself by my disability like that. Yet I was told if I don't embrace my disability, I would have nothing to overcome and continue to miserable. All of this because I said I acknowledge and overcome CP and don't need to lie to myself or other people in order to succeed in life.  No abled bodied person has ever told me to embrace it, just these people.

5) I don't relate to people because they share my disability  or have a disability in general. I go for intelligence or similar experiences.

1 hour ago, rkazmi33 said:

Marriage is not the solution, if you cannot trust your extended family, why do you think a stranger will be willing to help you?

6) Because they won't have the baggage that my family has and will see through the nonsense. In America, we don't really have extended families in the same way Pakistan, I find that meaning changes. Because here, it implies distant relatives, not aunts and uncles or cousins.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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