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In the Name of God بسم الله
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I can not keep it in anymore

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Guest Guest56781

asalamoalaikum warahmatullah

I chose to discuss this here as I have no other place to rant or release all my emotions. I do not expect any advice, because I know that I will not adhere to it. 

currently I am in my second year of uni,  two years ago before I stepped into uni, when I was in my last year of school , I felt a change within myself. my imaan was decreasing and I had this major crush on a guy that affected me. the reason why I do not blame him is because my faith was alredy low before that even happend.

I grew up as a introvert and have highly sensitive personality from birth till this day. it was very hard growing up and I always felt some sort of anxious around others. also at home I am completely different. especially with my parents as I find that I say stuff back or raise my voice. yes I do feel bad but at the same time I would keep getting these flashbacks of when I was younger and the number of times my parents take so many things seriously. some times when I ask for something n they say no, they think that I am going out of my limits. for example, I remember back in our graduation, I asked my mum if I wanted to add only a touch of make up to my face just so that I will not be left out, but she got mad. even began saying things as if I am a bad person and want to copy others but that is not true. I just wanted to feel confident 

they jump to conclusiions very easily and that is why I get irritated and annoyed I really want to blame them for everything but I know that it is my fault too. for being like this. I have tried to change, but I give up easily. I also have anger issues and I hate noise and mess. I don’t like doing alot of things at once.whenever we have our break after uni I get so relieved to just relax and stay home but then it turns into hell for me. I just want to leave the house. I feel like no one will understand me. I shout and cry very easily. when things do not go my way. whenever I do something wrong such as overreacting to something small I run to my room and start crying not only becase of what I was crying for but also that I overracted. I start to hate myself and despise my personality because it is that one trait everyone hates. I have issues when it comes to communicating to them because I feel like they will never understand me. I don’t know what else to do. I feel insecure not only of my looks but my personality. the things I hate within me are what everyone else genuinely hate. anger. rage. agresssion. overreacting. also I had very severe OCD, and its effects have subsided but I don’t know what to do or what to think anymore.

sometimes I worry that it could get worse when im older. right now I feel like its just beginning. again I do not want any advice but can someone please tell me, is it serious enough for me to go visit a health professional or something? the last time I went to a counsellor she said theres nothing wrong with me. 

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Maybe talking with a counselor will help with the depression, self loathing, and anger issues, but it's important for young people to realize (I'm old and only recently realized this) nobody really understands anybody. It's perfectly normal to feel misunderstood and the best way to deal with it is to not expect anyone to understand you. 

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Guest Counseling will help

Sounds to me like you really need some counseling from a therapist that isn't overly religious.  I would say yu need a diagnosis and that you probably have some type of personality disorder, or something.  You sound old to be living at home with parents anway, and why would one worry so much about something as normal as "liking" the opposite sex? That's normal and part of life.  Maybe you should get a job, earn some money and move away from your parents and establish yourself as an adult.  

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The behaviours that you describe can be a manifestation of the anxiety, OCD and your childhood. Biology and genetics also play a part so I highly suggest you seek professional help. 

Anger, rage, aggression and overreaction are not something you can ignore. Unless addressed, they will affect you and your quality of life before anyone else. This is before even thinking about marriage and child bearing. Such, often difficult and testing endeavours will only increase and aggravate the unaddressed behaviours you mentioned.

A professional counseller or therapist will be able to guide you in identifying the issues and the triggers as well as the best way to deal with the emotions and redirect the energy.

 

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All the things you mentioned, anger issues, problem with noise and multi-tasking, it seems that you are autistic. Don't be so hard on yourself, autistic people have emotional melt downs when their brains are over-stimulated. Autistic people also face a lot of bullying, and so many of them are suicidal. I think you should try to use anti-depressants. I only started using them 2 years ago, and I regret that why didn't I start using them earlier? I had same problems as you and anti-depressants make such a big difference. My quality of life has improved so much, I don't become crippled with depression and anxiety, and I am not dependent upon them. I only take one pill every week, sometimes even after 10 days. It's really easy, just go to your doctor and ask them to prescribe you anti-depressant. I cannot emphasize enough how much those medicines help. Do you have any siblings, they might be the ones bullying you and they are the reason for your fights with your parents. Try to spend little time at home and avoid any arguments with them. You are autistic, read about autism and forgive yourself for your personality flaws, all autistic people have them, so it's not your fault. 

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I am not going to diagnose you with this or that but we all feel misery and joy. It's a part of life, as is faith so it ultimately comes down to how you see life. As our faith has shown us, life can be cruel in the worst ways possible, but even then, in what appears to be the utter darkness, there is a light we can admire, no matter how small or difficult to find. 

When Yazid (la) attempted to touch a nerve by asking Zainab ((صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم)) what she thought about Karbala, she replied that what she witnessed was a beautiful show of faith and valor from her family members who were slaughtered, mutilated and beheaded in front of her in Karbala. Even in such a darkness, a human can still mend his mind to see the light. 

There is no shadow without light. There will always be something good no matter how bad. Never feel alone with your struggles, many of us face similar/worse struggles, because the moment you start to think that you have been chosen to live a life of misery, is when you are going to begin self-fulfilling a self-made prophecy. 

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On 12/7/2019 at 6:14 PM, rkazmi33 said:

All the things you mentioned, anger issues, problem with noise and multi-tasking, it seems that you are autistic.

 Autism...? I don't think that's the case... 

OP sounds a lot like me actually... 

-Introvert, shy, anxiety, insecure

-Confident and loud at home

-Gets irritated, annoyed, didn't like mess and noise

-Emotional

-OCD

to be honest there's nothing wrong with these traits as long as one learns to control the mind. 

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