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In the Name of God بسم الله

RANT!

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  • Advanced Member (With Brothers Forum Membership)
25 minutes ago, arch1027116 said:

Do they generally find them to be rude and acting this way with them?

I'm sorry to hear that you've come across such type of men. Let me explain to you as a guy.

A lot of those guys are bored and you legit have no idea what their secret intentions are. I've spoken to many people who've had the same experience as you. My big sister was getting to know this guy who started flirting with her. Then that guy just moved on after wasting so much of her time. You find that a lot of men aren't just serious. Real men are those who are professional and include their parents early on. Don't ever be deceived by the words of random men online. Also, flirting is clearly harram for a reason, and it's a distraction. If you find that a guy is love bombing you right from the start, it's a clear red flag. Those kinda guys are like on drugs, and you'll never even be able to trust them. Those types of men just enjoy flirting with women for entertainment. There's a big possibility that they're just going to marry someone who their mum chooses.

Listen sister, some guys just don't have the courage to stay true to their words.They're weak beings who lack the courage. If the thought of marriage scares a guy, then he's not a man who will stick with you. If a guy is hesitant to speak to his parents and tell them about you, then he's a wus.

Sorry, I'm not trying to demotivate you or paint this picture that all men are trash. Don't get me wrong, some members on this site found their dream husbands online. It's possible, but just be careful of douhebags out there. Look for an alternative route if possible. Contact masjids in other cities maybe and ask around.

Some cities have created matchmaking organisations, try to find out. Don't just stick to these online marriage sites.

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans
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Sister, why don't you involve your brother or father in the initial vetting process? In my experience men act less like jerks when dealing with men. 

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  • Advanced Member

@arch1027116

I sympathise with you and understand you're very frustrated with the bad experiences you've had. I would however suggest trying not to paint them all with the same brush. 

Some men can be very insensitive and rude, but some women can also be insensitive and rude.

All the behaviours you described can be seen in both genders. 

I agree with @ali_fatheroforphans In that you should try different routes not just online. 

I also agree with @starlight that involving your father and brother would help you a lot in:

1. Eliminating time wasters 

2. Men won't mess around when the girl's family are involved. 

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1 hour ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Then that guy just moved on after wasting so much of her time.

Probably not. He just came to know her personality, interests and things well enough to know he had no further interest. ln which case, he did her a favor.

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1 hour ago, starlight said:

Sister, why don't you involve your brother or father in the initial vetting process? In my experience men act less like jerks when dealing with men. 

Yeah but wouldn’t them acting like jerks show their true selves? She shouldn’t go for someone putting on an act just to get married 

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12 minutes ago, Ibn Al-Shahid said:

Yeah but wouldn’t them acting like jerks show their true selves? She shouldn’t go for someone putting on an act just to get married 

I don't know. I am under the impression that men are able to see through men easily?? Women especially young ones are more gullible and easily manipulated and then there are emotions involved too.I could be wrong though because my opinion comes from dealing with men in a patriarchal society. 

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I honestly think that alot of men and alot of women in dating sites are not really there for finding a spouse. The want something else. Maybe just to talk to the opposite gender, flirt with them, joke with them, do haram or blackmail them etc. All of which is haram.

Sisters should be very careful specially when giving private information out or private photos. 

If they are not professional in their way of talking/chatting then I doubt they are there to find a spouse. 

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1 hour ago, starlight said:

Sister, why don't you involve your brother or father in the initial vetting process? 

Agree with this. It's always good to involve a close male member when a sister is looking for spouse. 

There are many things sisters don't know of us brothers and many things brothers don't know of the sisters. Hence why the sisters need permission from their "guardian". 

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  • Advanced Member
2 hours ago, hasanhh said:

But they will exercise a certain amount of deceptive practice.

Indeed, we can all exercise a certain amount of deception especially before marriage, as we exaggerate the good in us and hide the bad. That's why it's good to have family involved as they can pick up on things without being 'emotionally involved'.

Edited by Moalfas
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  • Advanced Member
5 hours ago, arch1027116 said:

I want to know what has the experience of men been with women. Do they generally find them to be rude and acting this way with them?

its bc men come from trash

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ttttt

 

Edited by starlight
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  • Advanced Member

Thank you for all the replies.

I’ve obviously tried all the other things like reaching out to the matchmakers in the community but they were of no help. I hate to be on this app but at least I can answer Allah that I am striving to get married because He says in the Qur'an that He won’t change the conditions of people until they strive. The only reason I am still sticking up there is because all other means have failed me and it might be because of where I live.

I will obviously involve my parents but if its on an app, you chat with so many people and you can’t keep taking each and every men to your parents with just the initial chat. Besides I wouldn’t know if this guy really is interested in talking to my parents so early on as it can be a bit intimidating. 

I obviously know that not all men are bad but its hard to believe that good men still exist in this generation and can be found easily.

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  • Advanced Member (With Brothers Forum Membership)
20 minutes ago, arch1027116 said:

good men still exist in this generation and can be found easily.

Have you travelled to every corner of the world? Have you visited Australia? Have you visited Canada? London? New Zealand? Malaysia? Sweden? The list goes on.

There are over a billion people in this world. What is your definition of "good" to start with? Everyone considers themselves to be good people. It's not right to say that "good men" can't be found. I can name you so many girls who behave like immature snakes. I still wouldn't call them bad or evil people.

It's just unproductive to say stuff like "all men are trash" etc. "Good men can't be found", "men this men that". Islam categorizes all faithful people together. Good people will be good, regardless of their gender.

 

 

 

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My sister (who I consider a bad woman) wrote in her diary that "if you don't work hard to get what you like, you will be forced to like what you get". Everywhere she goes, she gets the attention of best men and she makes sure that no good man even looks in my direction. By good men, I mean men who are not abusive and who treat women with respect. Unfortunately, that's mostly rich and powerful men.

I recently read a study that educated and rich men choose skinny women. While poor and uneducated men prefer over weight women because they want to settle down and have kids. Just like most women go after a small percentage of men, good men have also become focused on small percentage of women who meet their high standards of beauty. I have seen my sister how she is willing to change and she completely transforms herself according to the like of a man, and I think I cannot compete with that. So I think I am just going to remain single but then she tries to force all the bad men over me. Unfortunately, this is the reality, all poor and unsuccessful men are abusive and they don't know how to respect women. Also, they don't have many choices, so they can become very creepy and clingy and they just cannot take rejection. 

I have only seen this recently but all good men have become obsessed with model like appearance for women. And yes, there are a lot more good women than good men. So many men keep reminding me that this world does not exist because of good men, it exists because of good women. This gives men an excuse to behave badly.

So, bad women have monopolized good men and men have allowed them to do so because they get seduced easily. Ghosting is the least hurtful form of abuse. 

Edited by rkazmi33
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  • Advanced Member
25 minutes ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Have you travelled to every corner of the world? Have you visited Australia? Have you visited Canada? London? New Zealand? Malaysia? Sweden? The list goes on.

There are over a billion people in this world. What is your definition of "good" to start with? Everyone considers themselves to be good people. It's not right to say that "good men" can't be found. I can name you so many girls who behave like immature snakes. I still wouldn't call them bad or evil people.

It's just unproductive to say stuff like "all men are trash" etc. "Good men can't be found", "men this men that". Islam categorizes all faithful people together. Good people will be good, regardless of their gender.

 

 

 

I’ve actually travelled to some of those countries you mentioned and have travelled quite extensively to other parts. Firstly I never said all men are thrash. Like I said earlier I didn’t have any exposure to men all my life. I did not generalise and that is why I said based on my experience  ‘it’s hard to believe’. I did not say the words ‘I don’t believe’. 

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  • Advanced Member (With Brothers Forum Membership)
3 minutes ago, arch1027116 said:

Firstly I never said all men are thrash

Sorry if you felt as if I referred to you, I'm talking about other people in general.

 

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  • Advanced Member (With Brothers Forum Membership)

4 Types of guys that hit on women online

Strangers Proposed to me- Story Tea Time

 

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20 hours ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

4 Types of guys that hit on women online

l could only stand that Dina "the ding bat" Dame for 5 minutes and 17 seconds.

Creepy, 1.75 . . . l do not believe she knew what she was jabbering about.

So, lf y'all want a list of the 4 Kinds of guys that propose online:

The Wood (headed), The BadThe Ugly and The Desperate.

Ashvazdanghe, where did you find such a worthless air-head?

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On 12/1/2019 at 10:59 AM, ali_fatheroforphans said:

It's just unproductive to say stuff like "all men are trash" etc. "Good men can't be found", "men this men that".

Lamenting the shortage of good men does not rule out the possibility of there being some decent guys out there any more than saying "black lives matter" implies that non-black lives don't. It's a complaint that our society excuses weak character in males. If you want women to stop complaining, change society, call out those losers who don't feel a need to behave as adults. Maybe they are a minority of men, but they accepted and excused by their peers. 

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6 minutes ago, notme said:

Lamenting the shortage of good men does not rule out the possibility of there being some decent guys out there any more than saying "black lives matter" implies that non-black lives don't. It's a complaint that our society excuses weak character in males. If you want women to stop complaining, change society, call out those losers who don't feel a need to behave as adults. Maybe they are a minority of men, but they accepted and excused by their peers. 

One thing l do think from my own observations is that most men do not know how to-be-marred.

What? Like take-out-the-garbage or some other idea they get from TV and the other no-littles around them?

You understand what l mean.

And girls are little different.

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  • Advanced Member (With Brothers Forum Membership)

@notme

Why do we have to make this a gender thing? If you ask an average sincere practising Muslim guy, he would also fear ending up with a snake.

The OP mentioned men cheating on their wives, having no emotional intelligence etc. Why do we make it seem as if women aren't guilty of any of this? It clearly makes it seem as if women are the victims. Women can also play with a guy's feelings and do horrible stuff on these dating sites. This is just the experience of the OP. Period. We tend to get overly emotional with these statements which are clearly uncalled for. 

It's an impossible task to change the behaviour of every guy out there. What will lamenting the shortage of men do? It makes it seem as if there's a gender issue or something wrong with men's inherent nature. Focusing on strengthening ones faith and character etc. Will automatically filter out and increase the number of decent people in society, be they men or women.

 

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans
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8 minutes ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Why do we have to make this a gender thing? If you ask an average sincere practising Muslim guy, he would also fear ending up with a snake.

There are good men and there are bad men. There are good women and there are bad women. The difference is men accept bad men; they don't call them out on their bad behavior. Bad men are never made to be accountable for their actions. (Good men will take responsibility regardless of social pressure or its absence.) Women, if anything, go too far to the opposite extreme and ostracize other women for the smallest indiscretion. 

This lack of accountability makes it too easy, too low social cost, for men to behave irresponsibly. 

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30 minutes ago, hasanhh said:

One thing l do think from my own observations is that most men do not know how to-be-marred.

Agree with this. Probably part of the problem is lack of good male role models, but once a person is adult, his (or her) poor character is a problem he (or she) must correct. 

Rather than our boys looking up to their own inadequate fathers and men in popular media, we need to somehow convince them to read through history and find the men who were leaders but not tyrants, and these are who they need to emulate. My observation has been that men do not know how to lead, and so either want to remain children or want to be tyrants. (Or worse, both.)

But as I've mentioned before, I was raised in a somewhat matriarchal society of southern Appalachia. Maybe the observations of others have been very different. 

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  • Advanced Member (With Brothers Forum Membership)
15 minutes ago, notme said:

Bad men are never made to be accountable for their actions. (Good men will take responsibility regardless of social pressure or its absence.)

I actually agree with you. Men aren't as vocal about it as they should be. For example, just observe how so many men make sexist jokes and laugh it off. Guys turn everything into a joke and don't call out their friends for their actions etc.

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans
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  • Development Team
On 12/1/2019 at 9:19 AM, Kaya said:

I hate how so many women on this site are cynical about men.

Muhammad (S), Ali, Hassan, Hussein, our living Imam, peace and blessings be upon them, were male and they were perfect examples of virtue and good character. 

Likewise, Fatima, Zaynab and Khadija, peace and blessings be upon them, are great examples of how a woman can be perfect in wisdom, ethics and courage. 

Please let's differentiate between saying 'all men are like this' and saying 'these men that I met are like this'. 

Best wishes to you, sister, on finding a good spouse. 

I feel the same way but that's what happens when women get toyed around with. I read what she wrote, where did you read that? I thought she wrote that it seemed to her like all men are trash, which isn't exactly the same as saying as all men are trash.

 

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