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In the Name of God بسم الله

22 and suddenly feel very scared about suitors

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Guest Interstellar

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Guest Interstellar

I always knew I was going to have an arranged marriage. But not in the context people negatively take it. My parents would let me know about different people and everything they could find out and then ask me if I believe they should continue a talk further with the family and guy, and if not then they would turn it down. However I find myself completely lost and sort of afraid of my decisions. What if I turn down a good guy just because I don’t think he's cute enough or my type (physically). Im not here to argue about types and how that doesny really matter. The problem is, I can’t sit with every guy and find out every two months something that irks me about him (maybe a clash on very basic religious beliefs/how to bring kids up/how many/where to settle down/sense of humour/privacy, etc). 

How did anyone else find a way around this? My standards aren't sky high. Very average, like he has to be taller than me,  (even if its an inch XD), which most are; a bit wide chested (normally how guys I know are); silky hair is a no no; so is soldier cut short hair (if thats his style); I hope you guys get a gist of it. I don’t care about complexions or other things really, just some random features I've discovered im personally attracted to, something that's not in my conscious control. 

However, a bad/boring/no independent opinions type personality is such a turn off. I don't know what questions to ask first and what to expect. Ive also realised I make scenarios up in my head before situations even actually play out so sometimes I disappoint myself, but with the right people I forget about my made up scenarios (the way they carry out a conversation/the things they talk about). However Im aware, some people are just very charming and they're very aware of that and use it to their full advantage. How do I tell the difference? 

These are just some small things that make me scared. What if im prone to falling into that charm? I also want to say that once I make a decision to pursue a certain person to a third or forth meeting, then my parents are going to get serious and its difficult to explain but backing off from that would become a problem for me. 

I intend to be married after I graduate (24). But its already started, as it should because it takes time. So, any advice would be so helpful! 

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Guest Rachel Green
6 minutes ago, Guest Interstellar said:

he has to be taller than me,  (even if its an inch XD)

 

6 minutes ago, Guest Interstellar said:

a bit wide chested 

 

7 minutes ago, Guest Interstellar said:

silky hair is a no no;

 

7 minutes ago, Guest Interstellar said:

so is soldier cut short hair (if thats his style);

 

7 minutes ago, Guest Interstellar said:

just some random features I've discovered im personally attracted to

 

8 minutes ago, Guest Interstellar said:

a bad/boring/no independent opinions type personality is such a turn off.

The problem I see here is that you are not picky enough. Treat suitors like you treat clothes.When you try an outfit and it doesn't look good what do you do, you throw it on the floor and move on to the next one. Treat potential suitors the same. 

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Guest Interstellar
3 hours ago, Guest Rachel Green said:

 

 

 

 

 

The problem I see here is that you are not picky enough. Treat suitors like you treat clothes.When you try an outfit and it doesn't look good what do you do, you throw it on the floor and move on to the next one. Treat potential suitors the same. 

I get the gist of what you're saying, but judging so quickly and going through guys like a clothing line, what if the guy's too shy to openly talk about some specific life goals? 

The purpose of this post is to get to know a few direct Questions I could ask on the first meeting (and over text sometimes). 

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8 hours ago, Guest Rachel Green said:

The problem I see here is that you are not picky enough. Treat suitors like you treat clothes.When you try an outfit and it doesn't look good what do you do, you throw it on the floor and move on to the next one. Treat potential suitors the same. 

I absolutely agree with Rachel here. You have to be sure about what you want. So if you're picky about certain things, then that's a good thing because you know what you want. 

 

9 hours ago, Guest Interstellar said:

These are just some small things that make me scared. What if im prone to falling into that charm? I also want to say that once I make a decision to pursue a certain person to a third or forth meeting, then my parents are going to get serious and its difficult to explain but backing off from that would become a problem for me. 

You will know when you find the right person for you. Everything happens when the time is right, & with the right person. I say this because the last thing you would want, is to be with someone you're unsure about. So if you end up not liking the guy after the third or forth meeting, then that's your decision, & your decision alone. You can't force yourself to feel a certain way. It's not natural & it's very unhealthy. Don't let your parents or any outside influences pressure you to be with someone. If YOU don't like someone, then that's YOUR decision. You can't force it upon yourself to like someone. The last thing you want is for you to end up in a disaster of a marriage because you were influenced by others to be with that person. 

So if gets to the third or however many meetings & you don't like the guy, then so be it. Your parents must accept it. Don't let it be a problem for you to back off because its only going to make matters worse later on. You may have to get uncomfortable telling your parents that you don't want him, but that temporary discomfort will save you 1000x the more discomfort later on when you find you can't stand being with the wrong person. 

Keep doing you. You are YOU. You're not anyone else. Don't let anyone think for you. Don't let anyone influence you. I mean yes, don't get me wrong, its good to get other people's opinions & perspectives. But ultimately, you know yourself better than anyone else. And you know what you want. Don't let others decide for you. Respect their opinions, hear them out, but don't let them influence your decision when you're not 100% about it. Keep going about your way. You will be fine. Everything happens when the time is right.

And remember, every guy has to slay a few dragons to find their true Princess :). So clearly your future husband is still slaying his dragons, on his way to finding you :).

Edited by RepentantServant
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8 hours ago, Guest Rachel Green said:

 

 

 

 

 

The problem I see here is that you are not picky enough. Treat suitors like you treat clothes.When you try an outfit and it doesn't look good what do you do, you throw it on the floor and move on to the next one. Treat potential suitors the same. 

LOL I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not. 

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9 hours ago, Guest Interstellar said:

How did anyone else find a way around this? My standards aren't sky high

LOL specifying how tall exactly and how wide his chest is and the texture of his hair, is not having sky high standards? It's not even about standards, imo its about being petty and not seeing the bigger picture. Everyone has a 'type' but everyone always finds random people who aren't necessarily that 'type' attractive. If someone finds blond hair and blue eyes attractive it doesnt mean they always find black haired and green eyed people ugly, they may well find alot of them attractive, just not their 'type'. You need to stop being immature and have a smaller ego, with all due respect. If a guy has a slightly crooked nose or a thinner beard, still give him a chance because everyone has flaws (physical and mental). People will treat you the same way you treat others. Treat others like they're specimen to suit your requirements, and you'll be treated the same way. 

 

9 hours ago, Guest Interstellar said:

don't know what questions to ask first and what to expect

Ask questions that are important to you but don't turn it into an interview. Like you said, look at how they carry themselves, how they speak etc. If you find one annoying thing, it's fine, overlook it and see what he is with every other aspect. Everyone has flaws and you'll never find someone who ticks literally every single box. What's the point of life if everything is perfect?

9 hours ago, Guest Interstellar said:

These are just some small things that make me scared. What if im prone to falling into that charm

That's all our fears but theres no point dwelling on the negatives. Some people are charming and are actually good people, just be cautious but also open minded at the same time.

 

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As someone who feels the way you do, I would say keep your standards the same way but also like @2Timeless said don't discount someone for small things. Its important to have a conversation with the person with the presence of a mahram of course so ask all the questions you want and don't be shy because you can try to compromise during this time. Try to have certain general criteria but also be ready to make exceptions especially if its things that are not a big deal like their chest measurements.

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11 hours ago, Guest Rachel Green said:

 Treat suitors like you treat clothes.When you try an outfit and it doesn't look good what do you do, you throw it on the floor and move on to the next one. Treat potential suitors the same. 

I'd be interested to see the reaction to the above analogy with the roles reveresed.

With that kind of energy, I'm sure 'Rachel Green' will get her perfect, respectful and equal spouse. 

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Are you from the west or from the east? Maybe call up those rishta aunties like another user suggested.

Are you active in your local Shia community? Maybe attend programs and events in your local Shia community and see if you find a potential match there.

 

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13 hours ago, Guest Interstellar said:

a bit wide chested

to be honest if a guy hits the gym then that's all sorted.

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You are probably overanalyzing the situation. If you don't see any good reason to turn down a proposal then go ahead with it. People grow and evolve with time. You and your spouse should aim to help and improve each other and yourselves throughout your marriage. The wedding itself is just a starting point, not the final destination.

 

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Guest Interstellar

Thank you all for the replies! I think I might be overthinking too.   @Mahdavist you're probably right. Maybe I am overanalyzing the situation. I come from a family of failed marriages that only stayed together for the kids, or because of what people would say. I've seen my own parents only stick together for the kids, and they live miserably most of the time. And trust me, us the kids live the same way. 

I guess I'm very scared of falling into the same category because knowing myself I would not stick around in a marriage like that where after giving it a try so many times it still doesnt work out. 

And lo and behold most of these marriages (even of younger generations) are from rishta aunties. So as far as I've seen rishta aunties don’t care about what you and the other person want, they just want the marriage to happen. Its like a scoreboard; quantity over quality. @habib e najjaarnajjaar @AStruggler

 

And @2Timeless im sorry if I gave the wrong impression about having a type :(. I didnt mean that ive singled out a group of guys and I wont even look at any other. I think all I meant to say was that as far as I've judged myself, I look at guys how most guys look girls. Its a bit more important to me how a guy looks than how it usually is for girls. But honestly if I guy whose sweet and caring as hell, and understanding with a good sense of humour comes along, looks would go right over my head. 

The most important aspect is that most guys I've talked to uptill now have either expressed that there's no such thing as changing after marriage because they should be accepted and loved for who they are, and I get where they're coming from but its not realistic. I don't believe the same for myself either. I know both of us will change and both of us need to be there for each other and help each others become better people. I know I might sound childish or immature, but Im new to everything and I just wanted to get to know differwnt people's experiences so I don’t back off so quick from guys. 

 

Thank you all for the replies <3

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"Treat men like clothes. Throw on floor and move on." Nice mindset. Raised very well.

 

Maybe the OP should think about the other person instead of being so self centered. Having zero sense of making effort to see the other person happy. It's all about what you want.

 

If you both believe in the Day of Judgement, and take the People of the House AS as leaders, you would never have hostile disagreements. The problem is that you kinda lost before you even meet the man. Your general mindset should be focused on that Day of Judgement. Once that is at the base of your decision making and opinions, everything else falls into place. Like the morning prayer happens when you are still sleepy. So, even in your semi conscious state, you are focused on pleasing the Most Merciful. It sets the tone for the rest of the day. Your opinions on what to look for that you think are uncontrollable are actually controllable.

 

 

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On 11/27/2019 at 7:07 PM, thuglife said:

"Treat men like clothes. Throw on floor and move on." Nice mindset. Raised very well.

 

Maybe the OP should think about the other person instead of being so self centered. Having zero sense of making effort to see the other person happy. It's all about what you want.

 

If you both believe in the Day of Judgement, and take the People of the House AS as leaders, you would never have hostile disagreements. The problem is that you kinda lost before you even meet the man. Your general mindset should be focused on that Day of Judgement. Once that is at the base of your decision making and opinions, everything else falls into place. Like the morning prayer happens when you are still sleepy. So, even in your semi conscious state, you are focused on pleasing the Most Merciful. It sets the tone for the rest of the day. Your opinions on what to look for that you think are uncontrollable are actually controllable.

 

 

I agree, I very much dislike the first advice about treating men like clothes. I think what she meanr to convey was that don't put too mucu effort into someone who you'd end up moving past thr next month. 

 

But the way you replied is honestly so rude. So, she can't have opinions on who she would like to get married to? She should just get married to the next guy that shows up because they both have the same focus: Day of Judgement, even though they don’t have anything else in common? She'll make it work only because she's thinking about what will happen on the day of Judgement if she gets a separation or divorce and so she sticks to someone she's not happy with?

I understand where you were trying to come from, but everything doesn't have to involve the Day of Judgement. She's not choosing someone with non Islamic qualities, so I don't understand why you have to put her down so much. 

Other than that, Guest Interstellar, just a reminder to keep in mind that he is religious. If he's a good religious guy, who wont push you into religion (if you're not thay religious) but you will eventually naturally feel the need to be more religious because of how he is, then he's a good guy. Looks do play a part, and I'd tell you to walk carefully through this process and to not let looks get to you before the personality once you do sit down and start chatting. 

May Allah help you in this journey. Ameen

Edited by Zellali
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