Question to the sisters about approaching them

[SeekingHeaven]

Salam, every time I see a sister that I might want to talk to I always hesitate because I don’t want to say something wrong in my approach or sound creepy. I am not really someone who is used to speaking to girls a lot or have them as friends.

I do feel shy around them but try to look like I’m not but in reality I would really want to talk to them just don’t know what to say.

I feel like I have to impress them

How would you as a girl like a guy to come and approach you and speak to you?

Would there be the possibility of him getting your number? ( I don’t mean to date, but to get to know each other more)

How do I go up to a girl and let her know that I’m interested in a serious relationship that would result in marriage?

Also what would you judge a guy based on from the moment you see him till after? 

[arch1027116]

This is purely my opinion or judgement. If a random guy approaches me in real life and asked for my number, I wouldn’t be comfortable with it and might not think of the guy as a decent . However, if I know him and have seen him around as being a respectful guy who doesn’t mingle with girls generally then I would kind of guess his intention and sort of welcome him if I am interested in him as well.

I would appreciate if someone comes up to me, gets to know me a little and straight away get to the point of proposing for marriage. That would be considered decent. Your shy nature might be something that actually impresses the girl because there are very few guys out there who are actually shy and reserved with girls.

[SeekingHeaven]

27 minutes ago, arch1027116 said:

This is purely my opinion or judgement. If a random guy approaches me in real life and asked for my number, I wouldn’t be comfortable with it and might not think of the guy as a decent . However, if I know him and have seen him around as being a respectful guy who doesn’t mingle with girls generally then I would kind of guess his intention and sort of welcome him if I am interested in him as well.

I would appreciate if someone comes up to me, gets to know me a little and straight away get to the point of proposing for marriage. That would be considered decent. Your shy nature might be something that actually impresses the girl because there are very few guys out there who are actually shy and reserved with girls.

But I feel intimidated, especially because the girls in my area, although majority Arab Muslims, I don’t feel are shy.

For example if there are a group of them in public you can hear them laughing and being sorta loud, which I feel means they’re not shy. 

Or maybe the act like that because they don’t want others to think they’re weird? Inferiority complex maybe

But then when I see a girl for example at work she might come in as a customer and you would think she is do innocent looking, but after she leaves my guy coworkers begin to tell me about what she is really like ( hangs with guys but looks innocent, smokes weed etc.). Which actually saddens me.

This has been the case with enough girls that now I am so confused about how to judge these girls. 

I am a college student btw and I am referring to people in this age group ( early 20s)

[arch1027116]

12 minutes ago, SeekingHeaven said:

But I feel intimidated, especially because the girls in my area, although majority Arab Muslims, I don’t feel are shy.

For example if there are a group of them in public you can hear them laughing and being sorta loud, which I feel means they’re not shy. 

Or maybe the act like that because they don’t want others to think they’re weird? Inferiority complex maybe

But then when I see a girl for example at work she might come in as a customer and you would think she is do innocent looking, but after she leaves my guy coworkers begin to tell me about what she is really like ( hangs with guys but looks innocent, smokes weed etc.). Which actually saddens me.

This has been the case with enough girls that now I am so confused about how to judge these girls. 

I am a college student btw and I am referring to people in this age group ( early 20s)

Okay about a girl being loud in public with her friends says nothing about her character or personality because I myself am very loud and crazy when I am with my friends. I usually don’t realise there are people around me but that being said I still maintain my modesty. I don’t have any male friends.

But what you are saying is true. Its hard to find decent girls who don’t mingle with boys, wears kilos of makeup and don’t smoke etc etc but same goes for the guys. Its hard to find decent guys who don’t smoke and flirt with every girl they see. 

I guess most girls and guys are more like that in their early 20s and uni days and mature with age. 

Since you’re that young it’d be wise to wait for. decent and mature person to come along rather than settling someone who isn’t your type.

[habib e najjaar]

Heh.. and here I was thinking this username belongs to a sister.

Ask your mom/sisters/female cousins etc to help find you a wife of the characteristics you want. Women have ways of getting inside info before you get involved.

[SeekingHeaven]

3 hours ago, habib e najjaar said:

Heh.. and here I was thinking this username belongs to a sister.

Ask your mom/sisters/female cousins etc to help find you a wife of the characteristics you want. Women have ways of getting inside info before you get involved.

Can’t a brother seek heaven? 

I feel like it’s pretty awkward especially the fact that I can’t really support my wife financially and I come from a Lebanese background and I’m not sure if you might now this or not, but they’re most likely going to expect me to be financially well off.

At the moment me and my sibling support the family financially and even that barely, I mean I’m also kinda in debt ( but nothing crazy )

But I’m okay with getting married now and would love to have someone to share my journey of developing financially and religiously but Alas.

I always hear from my sister that one of her friends ( who sometimes are even younger than me ) is getting married and when I inquire about who the guy is, he’s always someone who has a really good job, a house, not really religious, I mean they don’t even mind touching before getting married and sometimes posting those pics on social media.

I just feel like if I had that type of relationship I would be a lot more focused on my priorities and she could become my motivation for being more successful and vice versa.

 

[SeekingHeaven]

4 hours ago, arch1027116 said:

Okay about a girl being loud in public with her friends says nothing about her character or personality because I myself am very loud and crazy when I am with my friends. I usually don’t realise there are people around me but that being said I still maintain my modesty. I don’t have any male friends.

But what you are saying is true. Its hard to find decent girls who don’t mingle with boys, wears kilos of makeup and don’t smoke etc etc but same goes for the guys. Its hard to find decent guys who don’t smoke and flirt with every girl they see. 

I guess most girls and guys are more like that in their early 20s and uni days and mature with age. 

Since you’re that young it’d be wise to wait for. decent and mature person to come along rather than settling someone who isn’t your type.

But islamically that’s not really appropriate ( please don’t think I’m trying to judge you, I’m sure you’re better than most girls ).

I really wouldn’t be fine with my wife to raise her voice in public for no good reason, especially in loud laughter because I’ve seen how guys talk about them when they are gone.

It actually turns the guys on if they’re attractive to them and if they’re not I’ve seen the guys make fun of them in very hurtful ways. 

I know it’s just as bad with the guys and they are actually more open about it. I just expected the girls to have a bit more haya (modesty). But I guess growing up in a immodest society changes that rapidly.

I feel sometimes that I want to act like them just so I can have a relationship because that is one thing that is hurting me at the moment and has been for a while. 

Especially the stress that I have with taking care of my family (that is 6 people) and going to college. 

[hasanhh]

10 hours ago, SeekingHeaven said:

I feel like I have to impress them

YOUR 1st MlSTAKE

[habib e najjaar]

5 hours ago, SeekingHeaven said:

Can’t a brother seek heaven? 

I feel like it’s pretty awkward especially the fact that I can’t really support my wife financially and I come from a Lebanese background and I’m not sure if you might now this or not, but they’re most likely going to expect me to be financially well off.

At the moment me and my sibling support the family financially and even that barely, I mean I’m also kinda in debt ( but nothing crazy )

But I’m okay with getting married now and would love to have someone to share my journey of developing financially and religiously but Alas.

I always hear from my sister that one of her friends ( who sometimes are even younger than me ) is getting married and when I inquire about who the guy is, he’s always someone who has a really good job, a house, not really religious, I mean they don’t even mind touching before getting married and sometimes posting those pics on social media.

I just feel like if I had that type of relationship I would be a lot more focused on my priorities and she could become my motivation for being more successful and vice versa.

 

Hmm.. financial strain could bring some tension between your wife and family if they are dependent on you and the portion you are currently contributing goes down after you bring in a wife to maintain as well. I assume this means you would need your wife to move on with you and your family. None of these factors is necessarily a recipe for disaster but the lack of disaster is very dependent on you getting a wife who can live simply, who will be of the strength of character it takes to live with inlaws until you can afford to move etc.

I still think the females in the family can help source a girl who is ok with your current conditions. Remember, the rizq of a wife, or anyone you provide for comes from Allah. You are just the means of it reaching them. So a wife, children do come with their own rizq too, even if it will pass through your hands.

If the entire lebanese community in your area is materialistic as you say, then look to other communities, or lebs from back home in Lebanon etc.

May Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) guide to the best of spouses and expand and put barakah your rizq so that you do not face any difficulty supporting your wife and family inshaAllah.

Wa billahi tawfeeq.

[arch1027116]

9 hours ago, SeekingHeaven said:

But islamically that’s not really appropriate ( please don’t think I’m trying to judge you, I’m sure you’re better than most girls ).

I really wouldn’t be fine with my wife to raise her voice in public for no good reason, especially in loud laughter because I’ve seen how guys talk about them when they are gone.

It actually turns the guys on if they’re attractive to them and if they’re not I’ve seen the guys make fun of them in very hurtful ways. 

I know it’s just as bad with the guys and they are actually more open about it. I just expected the girls to have a bit more haya (modesty). But I guess growing up in a immodest society changes that rapidly.

I feel sometimes that I want to act like them just so I can have a relationship because that is one thing that is hurting me at the moment and has been for a while. 

Especially the stress that I have with taking care of my family (that is 6 people) and going to college. 

Yea you’re right, its not Islamically appropriate . We as group of friends are  loud but it’s usually in places like restaurants and malls where people are busy in their own world and I rarely notice anyone observing us. Yes girls laughing out too loud in public is definitely inappropriate and immodest.

You’re younger than I am and I’ve been at your stage where you feel left out because you’re following the right path. Its quite difficult if not challenging to stay chaste until you get married. You’d find that people who had relationships get married and get settled while you who kept yourself chaste for your spouse all the years are still unable to get married but that is what our test is I guess. I wish you all the best.

Never settle in for the wrong person because of what you feel temporarily. Keep your intentions right and Insha Allah, Allah will help you find someone who will get you closer to Him. Until then focus on your spiritual growth.

[Lilly14]

16 hours ago, SeekingHeaven said:

 

I always hear from my sister that one of her friends ( who sometimes are even younger than me ) is getting married and when I inquire about who the guy is, he’s always someone who has a really good job, a house, not really religious, I mean they don’t even mind touching before getting married and sometimes posting those pics on social media.

 

 

Some people do their Nikah ceremony weeks or months before their public wedding celebration, so if you see a couple touching before marriage that doesn't necessarily mean that they are doing Haram. 

I'm a girl and I'm not saying you have to do this, but personally I would try to involve my family in all steps of my marriage process. I know not all elders are like this, but my elders have good insight and judgement, plus they know how to navigate the Islamic marriage process intricacies. Plus, personally I'd never want to invest in someone emotionally, like through text conversations, if I didn't know for sure both our families agree to us getting married. 

But as for your OG question... I'd want his family to approach my family, and not me at all first. (which is possible since the only time you run into Shia is at the mosque in my city). I know my ***extremely*** traditional mom would feel like I was disrespected if a guy approached me himself. But I know many Muslim moms in my community are nowhere as traditional as my mom. 

Like my mom agreed to talk to a guy's mom about me, but she never returned their calls when his mom suggested me and him meet up at a restaurant to talk before we even met him and his family for the first time lol. But to be fair my mom didn't know too much about the family and the guy in the first place, so she might have explained for us to all meet if she approved of the family and/or the guy was a total catch.

[Moalfas]

@SeekingHeaven

brother just go up to a girl and be like 'yo sister can I get ur digits so I wake u for fajir innit' 

LOL 

 

Jokes aside, I agree with @Lilly14 get the family involved in both the selection process as well as throughout, at least that way if things don't work out God forbid, they can't blame you alone lol

[starlight]

1 hour ago, Moalfas said:

'yo sister can I get ur digits so I wake u for fajir innit' 

"Brother, My mom's been trying to do that for last the 20 years.If she can't,no one can" 

[habib e najjaar]

I'm with Lilly14 on this one.

Directly approaching girl = very offensive

Suggesting going out for coffee to 'get to know each other' = 

Texting/chatting to know each other = 

[SeekingHeaven]

40 minutes ago, habib e najjaar said:

I'm with Lilly14 on this one.

Directly approaching girl = very offensive

Suggesting going out for coffee to 'get to know each other' = 

Texting/chatting to know each other = 

Maybe that is just the way her culture taught her but how else am I going to get to know a girl in a society like mine?

I mean let’s say that I see a girl at university that I would like to get to know, I don’t even know who she is or where she lives let alone who her parents are

I also think that a lot of girls would be embarrassed to even tell their parents in the beginning stages about a boy because of reactions and all the questions 

[habib e najjaar]

2 hours ago, SeekingHeaven said:

Maybe that is just the way her culture taught her but how else am I going to get to know a girl in a society like mine?

I mean let’s say that I see a girl at university that I would like to get to know, I don’t even know who she is or where she lives let alone who her parents are

I also think that a lot of girls would be embarrassed to even tell their parents in the beginning stages about a boy because of reactions and all the questions 

That's OK if you pick any other method. People are not the same and there are plenty of girls who will not mind being approached directly. For some people, even girls take active steps to know a man if they are interested. The purpose of this thread is to give you a feel of the different kinds of girls out there in the world, then you make a decision on how to approach one with potential reactions in mind.

In the end, this is a subjective decision based on the unique circumstances you face. If you are interested enough in a person to want to get to know them for marriage, you will find ways to find all the info you need.

[Lilly14]

8 hours ago, SeekingHeaven said:

Maybe that is just the way her culture taught her but how else am I going to get to know a girl in a society like mine?

I mean let’s say that I see a girl at university that I would like to get to know, I don’t even know who she is or where she lives let alone who her parents are

I also think that a lot of girls would be embarrassed to even tell their parents in the beginning stages about a boy because of reactions and all the questions 

You don't have women in your family who have good judgement who can help you find a wife from your mosque, community,  neighborhood, or their social circles? 

Once they talk to the girl's family, and they agree to meet you all, you and the girl can decide if you want to move forward with getting to know each other through halal means, like halal text conversation/ chaperoned meetings. I have known some Pakistani, Indian, Iranian etc Shia who have married like that.

So it's not like those of us who marry through our family are not getting to know our potential spouse at all before marriage. 

And you say Islamically it's wrong for girls to laugh loudly in their groups of friends, but personally I think its detrimental for a girl and guy to meet up in private before marriage if they are unmarried, as that can unintentionally cause the couple to succumb to Haram temptations. But maybe I misunderstood, and you meant get to know through texting only 

Edited November 12, 2019 by Lilly14

[Lilly14]

9 hours ago, habib e najjaar said:

I'm with Lilly14 on this one.

Directly approaching girl = very offensive

Suggesting going out for coffee to 'get to know each other' = 

Texting/chatting to know each other = 

Thanks, the second one had me laughing! 

[Guest Ohno!Monad]

On 11/10/2019 at 11:54 PM, SeekingHeaven said:

I always hear from my sister that one of her friends ( who sometimes are even younger than me ) is getting married and when I inquire about who the guy is, he’s always someone who has a really good job, a house, not really religious, I mean they don’t even mind touching before getting married and sometimes posting those pics on social media.

This has been the norm since the dawn of mankind. the ones who had the most cows and sheep or land, would get everything first and fresh then run around claiming how God has chosen them over mankind. All a lie to assert dominance and control. Remember man has not changed and will never change. social hierachical models will always stay until YOU figure out how to break from it. Do not be afraid of girls, they are humans like you. What you fear is rejection, but is rejection bigger then your existence. Imaginery fame has no weight on reality.

On 11/10/2019 at 11:54 PM, SeekingHeaven said:

At the moment me and my sibling support the family financially and even that barely, I mean I’m also kinda in debt ( but nothing crazy )

buddy. That sucks and I know the feeling. Worry about your families stomach and your own before embarking on a journey to feed another. I won't sell you hope because no one can predict the future. Face the reality and that might allow you to make some hard choices. The religion has become very corrupted to the point it has become Christian like, telling the youth to be monks. Always selling this augistine spirituality intertwined with stocism. The sellers eat with others peoples hardwork while telling they must be resolute in their hardship.

[SeekingHeaven]

12 hours ago, Lilly14 said:

You don't have women in your family who have good judgement who can help you find a wife from your mosque, community,  neighborhood, or their social circles? 

Once they talk to the girl's family, and they agree to meet you all, you and the girl can decide if you want to move forward with getting to know each other through halal means, like halal text conversation/ chaperoned meetings. I have known some Pakistani, Indian, Iranian etc Shia who have married like that.

So it's not like those of us who marry through our family are not getting to know our potential spouse at all before marriage. 

And you say Islamically it's wrong for girls to laugh loudly in their groups of friends, but personally I think its detrimental for a girl and guy to meet up in private before marriage if they are unmarried, as that can unintentionally cause the couple to succumb to Haram temptations. But maybe I misunderstood, and you meant get to know through texting only 

I agree that the 2 shouldn’t be alone in private, but I wouldn’t mind going somewhere public once in a while and the rest through text and getting info on her through social media, friends, family, etc.

But I wouldn’t be comfortable with for example talking to her while her dad or mom are there for example or anyone. It would just be awkward, so there does need to be that getting to know each other faze.

[Lilly14]

3 hours ago, SeekingHeaven said:

I agree that the 2 shouldn’t be alone in private, but I wouldn’t mind going somewhere public once in a while and the rest through text and getting info on her through social media, friends, family, etc.

But I wouldn’t be comfortable with for example talking to her while her dad or mom are there for example or anyone. It would just be awkward, so there does need to be that getting to know each other faze.

My mom comes with me when I hang out with my female friends if it's a far location, since she has to drop me off and pick me up so it's more convenient for her to stay. Like if I go to a cafe with my female friends, my mom will sit on the other side of the cafe, so she's not eavesdropping on what we talk about, and it's not awkward for me.

There's always a nice, happy medium if you look for one!  

Edited November 13, 2019 by Lilly14