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Muslimthought97

Requesting some advice following relationship

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Salam,

When I was 18 and started University I was living with a beautiful, charismatic Christian girl where there was mutual interest, me being 18 and University first time I was not able to resist. Now I am glad that I had a couple of brain cells at the time to request a legitimate Mutah relationship w/parents permission from both ends rather than going down haram route. Fast forward 5 years that had to come to an end as University is over and we both understood that Uni life isn't the same as adult life and we wouldn't be compatible long-term. So for the sake of Allah it was drawn to an end because I want to become a better Muslim and raise a Muslim household. This happened 6 months ago, and my problem is, as a first love (spent every minute together for 5 years and the attraction never died down) this was very hard for me as I have moved away for further studies and now I am alone for first time in life + heart break. For 6 months I haven't been able to get them out my head I am still deeply attached and struggle everyday, I have a breakdown every other night over thoughts and they show up in dreams, of what could have been but then I try convince myself that what we had wouldn't stay as happy forever, but the emotional pain dosent seem to stop. I also found out recently that they have moved on to someone else. It always felt like I had something special but it was never meant to be.

I think going from being deeply attached and having someone there always to suddenly alone, new city (can't seem to find any other Shia/Muslim friends) them having moved on to a new person, plus the separation have all just affected me badly. I have been Cycling, Gym and Swimming every single day without fail for 4 months and working hard at Uni to keep me distracted, but with all that I am wearing a smile and trying to be someone who has their life together, while feeling hollow on the inside. I have been asking Allah for help, can anyone offer any advice on how I can deal with this, seeing the situation from the outside? I would like to note, this was my first and last relationship outside a permanent marriage, I learnt that I get attached quickly and don't deal with heartbreak easy.

Edited by Muslimthought97

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33 minutes ago, Muslimthought97 said:

Salam,

When I was 18 and started University I was living with a beautiful, charismatic Christian girl where there was mutual interest, me being 18 and University first time I was not able to resist. Now I am glad that I had a couple of brain cells at the time to request a legitimate Mutah relationship w/parents permission from both ends rather than going down haram route. Fast forward 5 years that had to come to an end as University is over and we both understood that Uni life isn't the same as adult life and we wouldn't be compatible long-term. So for the sake of Allah it was drawn to an end because I want to become a better Muslim and raise a Muslim household. This happened 6 months ago, and my problem is, as a first love (spent every minute together for 5 years and the attraction never died down) this was very hard for me as I have moved away for further studies and now I am alone for first time in life + heart break. For 6 months I haven't been able to get them out my head I am still deeply attached and struggle everyday, I have a breakdown every other night over thoughts and they show up in dreams, of what could have been but then I try convince myself that what we had wouldn't stay as happy forever, but the emotional pain dosent seem to stop. I also found out recently that they have moved on to someone else. It always felt like I had something special but it was never meant to be.

I think going from being deeply attached and having someone there always to suddenly alone, new city (can't seem to find any other Shia/Muslim friends) them having moved on to a new person, plus the separation have all just affected me badly. I have been Cycling, Gym and Swimming every single day without fail for 4 months and working hard at Uni to keep me distracted, but with all that I am wearing a smile and trying to be someone who has their life together, while feeling hollow on the inside. I have been asking Allah for help, can anyone offer any advice on how I can deal with this, seeing the situation from the outside? I would like to note, this was my first and last relationship outside a permanent marriage, I learnt that I get attached quickly and don't deal with heartbreak easy.

Have you tryed to keep this girl(when you both where in a mutah marriage) in the Shia Masjid?

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1 minute ago, Maryam.It said:

Have you tryed to keep this girl(when you both where in a mutah marriage) in the Shia Masjid?

I did try that route, we talked for a while about if she would convert but ultimately she was against it and believed it would negatively impact her (as her family being all Agnostic/Christian and not convinced with Islam enough to convert . I was told a Muslim cannot permanently marry a non-Muslim, plus she has someone new so there's that also

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"She has someone new" means she doesn't care about you as much as you care about her. Swallow that bitter fact. That alone should be enough to bother you enough about wanting a relationship with her again, it should help you move on, unless you're okay being with someone that doesn't have strong feelings for you lol. G'luck...  

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54 minutes ago, Muslimthought97 said:

Salam,

When I was 18 and started University I was living with a beautiful, charismatic Christian girl where there was mutual interest, me being 18 and University first time I was not able to resist. Now I am glad that I had a couple of brain cells at the time to request a legitimate Mutah relationship w/parents permission from both ends rather than going down haram route. Fast forward 5 years that had to come to an end as University is over and we both understood that Uni life isn't the same as adult life and we wouldn't be compatible long-term. So for the sake of Allah it was drawn to an end because I want to become a better Muslim and raise a Muslim household. This happened 6 months ago, and my problem is, as a first love (spent every minute together for 5 years and the attraction never died down) this was very hard for me as I have moved away for further studies and now I am alone for first time in life + heart break. For 6 months I haven't been able to get them out my head I am still deeply attached and struggle everyday, I have a breakdown every other night over thoughts and they show up in dreams, of what could have been but then I try convince myself that what we had wouldn't stay as happy forever, but the emotional pain dosent seem to stop. I also found out recently that they have moved on to someone else. It always felt like I had something special but it was never meant to be.

I think going from being deeply attached and having someone there always to suddenly alone, new city (can't seem to find any other Shia/Muslim friends) them having moved on to a new person, plus the separation have all just affected me badly. I have been Cycling, Gym and Swimming every single day without fail for 4 months and working hard at Uni to keep me distracted, but with all that I am wearing a smile and trying to be someone who has their life together, while feeling hollow on the inside. I have been asking Allah for help, can anyone offer any advice on how I can deal with this, seeing the situation from the outside? I would like to note, this was my first and last relationship outside a permanent marriage, I learnt that I get attached quickly and don't deal with heartbreak easy.

Im so sorry, I cannot imagine how hard it must be, considering how long you both were together. 

But you should also know that a heartbreak doesn't wear off so easily. It will definitely take some time to heal and grow, and honestly you should be proud of yourself at the fact that you can achieve such things like swimming, cycling and other hobbies as well as being consistent in your studies. Thats a really good thing, because alot of people who through heartbreaks don't have that motivation.

Have you tried talking this to a close friend or family member you can trust? talking to someone can make it sm easier

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24 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

Im so sorry, I cannot imagine how hard it must be, considering how long you both were together. 

But you should also know that a heartbreak doesn't wear off so easily. It will definitely take some time to heal and grow, and honestly you should be proud of yourself at the fact that you can achieve such things like swimming, cycling and other hobbies as well as being consistent in your studies. Thats a really good thing, because alot of people who through heartbreaks don't have that motivation.

Have you tried talking this to a close friend or family member you can trust? talking to someone can make it sm easier

Thank you very much for the kind words, I will try to just always disliked telling my friends / family members as eventually my business seems to end up with other people, its kind of why I thought Shiachat is a good place because of the anonymosity in a sense, I tried with parents but it was a while ago they think im over it might have to speak to them again hopefully.

16 minutes ago, habib e najjaar said:

I do hope all the people on ShiaChat encouraging mutah for the teenagers and youths see this thread.

There is another side to every story. 

Habib you are so right, and in a way I wanted to put this story out there because when I was 18 I too browsed this website and saw the Mutah encouragement and thought of it as an easy way out. 4 Years down the line and I like to be believe I matured, I can see just how dangerous it is if not used correctly. It's not a free ticket to pleasure, there is a huge cost behind it going in ignorant. If I could offer advice to my 18 y/o self or any other youth considering, it would have been as great as it may sound, going through the pain of something temporary does not balance the scale. 

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OP: I will pray that Allah gives you peace and helps you get a good muslimah permanent wife who will be with you the rest of your life and you with her. 

Other than that, I have no advice to offer except that there is nothing as strong as reminding yourself that your cure lies within you. Nobody but yourself can heal yourself of this pain. Reason will get you out of being drowned in emotions which can be very wrongly placed or invested. Know the logical and reasonable grounds why you should not wallow in what ifs, and it will help you close that chapter of your life. Perhaps it shouldn't have happened, but it has, so don’t let shaytan waste years of your life hitting replay on that part of your life. Close it, move on. Because you MUST, you CAN.

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5 minutes ago, starlight said:

Just give it time. I know it's already been six months but you were with her for five years so it's going to take a little more time. Take it one day at a time.

This is a really good opportunity to get close to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). Your are feeling heartbroken and yearning for someone to love and and love you back. Nothing would fill the void better than love of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

I would recommend reading the whispered prayers of Imam Zain ul Abideen (عليه السلام)  (with translation if you don't know Arabic)They are short and fill ones heart with peace and love for the Creator.

P.S it was so good hearing about a halal college relationship for a change. 

Thank you very much for the recommendation, you are indeed correct I have realised that void is only for Allah. I will read the prayers Insha'Allah this evening before my Maghrib prayers.

4 minutes ago, habib e najjaar said:

OP: I will pray that Allah gives you peace and helps you get a good muslimah permanent wife who will be with you the rest of your life and you with her. 

Other than that, I have no advice to offer except that there is nothing as strong as reminding yourself that your cure lies within you. Nobody but yourself can heal yourself of this pain. Reason will get you out of being drowned in emotions which can be very wrongly placed or invested. Know the logical and reasonable grounds why you should not wallow in what ifs, and it will help you close that chapter of your life. Perhaps it shouldn't have happened, but it has, so don’t let shaytan waste years of your life hitting replay on that part of your life. Close it, move on. Because you MUST, you CAN.

That is amazing advice, reminds me I used to be told that alot 'because you must, you can' once before you brought back a great motivator to me :) 

2 minutes ago, Ruqaya101 said:

Hey,

Im been through something similar, and I can empathise with how you're feeling. Just know that it will eventually get better, Im still dealing with the heartbreak myself after a year and a half, so yeah it'll take time. But time flies, trust me. You'll find other ways to cope and this will make you stronger. 

I pray for you, you ever need someone to talk to, we're all here. The ShiaChat family can be quite the community in terms of support sometimes. I hope you can find solace through the activities you are undertaking, and through prayer and patience. 

:) 

Thank you very much for that, good to know sometimes not the only one! haha I pray for both of us Insha'Allah to heal fully and move on Will keep revisiting these posts when times are tough for the kind words.

 

I'd like to say thank you to you all for the kind words and helpful advice, it helped to get it off my chest and get the lovely advice and support back <3 Truly a beautiful community!

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3 hours ago, Muslimthought97 said:

Salam,

When I was 18 and started University I was living with a beautiful, charismatic Christian girl where there was mutual interest, me being 18 and University first time I was not able to resist. Now I am glad that I had a couple of brain cells at the time to request a legitimate Mutah relationship w/parents permission from both ends rather than going down haram route. Fast forward 5 years that had to come to an end as University is over and we both understood that Uni life isn't the same as adult life and we wouldn't be compatible long-term. So for the sake of Allah it was drawn to an end because I want to become a better Muslim and raise a Muslim household. This happened 6 months ago, and my problem is, as a first love (spent every minute together for 5 years and the attraction never died down) this was very hard for me as I have moved away for further studies and now I am alone for first time in life + heart break. For 6 months I haven't been able to get them out my head I am still deeply attached and struggle everyday, I have a breakdown every other night over thoughts and they show up in dreams, of what could have been but then I try convince myself that what we had wouldn't stay as happy forever, but the emotional pain dosent seem to stop. I also found out recently that they have moved on to someone else. It always felt like I had something special but it was never meant to be.

I think going from being deeply attached and having someone there always to suddenly alone, new city (can't seem to find any other Shia/Muslim friends) them having moved on to a new person, plus the separation have all just affected me badly. I have been Cycling, Gym and Swimming every single day without fail for 4 months and working hard at Uni to keep me distracted, but with all that I am wearing a smile and trying to be someone who has their life together, while feeling hollow on the inside. I have been asking Allah for help, can anyone offer any advice on how I can deal with this, seeing the situation from the outside? I would like to note, this was my first and last relationship outside a permanent marriage, I learnt that I get attached quickly and don't deal with heartbreak easy.

This is called karma.  You have to accept it and be thankful for God hitting you on the head.  God always just does the right thing and He doesn’t care at all about your personal feelings.  If you want to be happy then neither should you care about your personal feelings.  This is another way of saying, look at everything objectively, don’t take anything personally.  You can do this by simply observing all the strong feelings that arise and simply offering them to God by saying “Alhamdulillah”.  Just keep on doing that.  This is not a mental exercise, this is a way of burning your karma little by little.  Once you do this you will gradually begin to welcome everything that God offers you more easily.  You will feel sakeenah inshallah.
 

Edited by eThErEaL

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59 minutes ago, Lilly14 said:

I'm just curious, was it impossible to find a male roommate? Here in the US dorm rooms are segregated by gender unless you rent off campus privately, which is why I'm a bit confused. 

In the United Kingdom it is standard at most universities that student halls (where I stayed first year) are mixed gender, they have a big thing with anti segregation here. It was 8 per halls, 4 boys 4 girls, So yeah living with women dosent make things easy haha 

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