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Godsslave

Issue with a family member

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Assalamu alaikum

As of now, I just need some helpful advice on what on to do about the matter. So right now, I have some important exams coming up and I feel like I’m putting in as much effort as I possibly can. But it’s like nothing that I do, like I try to study and the second I stop, my dad just goes off saying that in simple terms I’m  useless and pretty much a failure. I even see it in his eyes outside of the when he looks at me. I know it’s a blessing that he’s still around so I try to be patient and becomes harder by the day. And with regards to areas other than studying, he destroys the mood and atmosphere of the whole house. I don’t know if I’m overdramatising it, but I just need some words of advice, what am I supposed to do. I’m literally on the breaking point of not wanting to associate with him at all. I don’t really know what to do.

Jazakumallah Khairun

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7 hours ago, Godsslave said:

But it’s like nothing that I do, like I try to study and the second I stop, my dad just goes off saying that in simple terms I’m  useless and pretty much a failure.

What about your Mum? Can she talk to your father or offer you some support and encouragement for your exams?

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Even if your father is a kaffir (I am not saying he is), be good with him and interpret his lack of support for you as his shortcoming and not yours. Parents aren't immaculate, they err all the time and I have had many friends with horrible parents. One of my friends had a mother who wished she didn't exist, so yeah, it's a harsh world but a lot of things aren't up to the children. Children just have to cope with it and hope for their parent's eyes to be opened or just cope with it for the sake of Allah if matters are hopeless.  

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9 hours ago, Godsslave said:

Assalamu alaikum

As of now, I just need some helpful advice on what on to do about the matter. So right now, I have some important exams coming up and I feel like I’m putting in as much effort as I possibly can. But it’s like nothing that I do, like I try to study and the second I stop, my dad just goes off saying that in simple terms I’m  useless and pretty much a failure. I even see it in his eyes outside of the when he looks at me. I know it’s a blessing that he’s still around so I try to be patient and becomes harder by the day. And with regards to areas other than studying, he destroys the mood and atmosphere of the whole house. I don’t know if I’m overdramatising it, but I just need some words of advice, what am I supposed to do. I’m literally on the breaking point of not wanting to associate with him at all. I don’t really know what to do.

Jazakumallah Khairun

I'm sorry for this

Don't let anybody stop you, be it your father or anybody else. One day when you become successful Inshallah, your dad will most likely regret treating you in such a harsh way. Just be strong, I know its hard, but you're going to look back and realise how much effort you put to turn your dreams into reality

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2 hours ago, Moalfas said:

Salam.

I'm sorry that you are going through such hardship with your father. If it's any consolation, you're not alone. There are many who deal with parents who convey their love and support the wrong way. I have intentionally phrased 'their love' because deep down that's what it is. 

Looking at the bigger picture could help you through this; he wants you to succeed, he just isn't supporting you the correct way. 

It's unfortunate that many parents aren't able to offer the kind of positive support that their children actually need; rather they do what was done to them as kids such as being compared to others and be talked down and made to feel like failures. They could see it as tough love not realising it often backfires as it can have major phsycological effects on their offspring. 

Two words of advice, one would be patience, and the second would be to see if one can explain to him that the support he's giving is incorrect and rather destructive. I'm not sure of the relationship you have with him and how open you can be. But I'm sure there are individuals within your family that can talk to him. 

Beautiful response and advice. I could not have said it better.  I second the fact that this person is not alone in going through this ordeal and it is true and quite often the norms in many cultures that the parents way of conveying their care and concern comes out much harsher in the way they express it.  So yes patience would be the key and having that understanding that the parents often say harsh things out of care and concern as they love you and only want you to succeed and be better than them.  And yes I would also advice for the person to talk to their parents and make them understand that the way they express themselves can be hurtful and and make things worst then better. Having one-on-one chat with the parents goes a long way in understanding each other better.

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9 hours ago, Godsslave said:

I have some important exams coming up and I feel like I’m putting in as much effort as I possibly can. But it’s like nothing that I do, like I try to study and the second I stop, my dad just goes off saying that in simple terms I’m  useless and pretty much a failure. 

Salam. Does your father think you should be working to bring money to the family? I hope that he just wants you to study more for your own success in the future. 

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Salaam Alaykum

I know what you mean. I had exact same dad. When I was at high school, I was always number 1 in GPA, math competitions, and anything related to science and engineering. My dad knew it, but he was a cold water on my life. He used to say, no body get anything out of science and studying. Go work and make money. Anyway, I went to university and I studied hard and graduated with a high GPA and distinguished student. I didn't apply for masters program at the school, but department asked me to stay and do masters. Anyway, I got scholarship from US university and moved. Now, my dad realized how hard I worked during those days.

My advice to you is that, talk with your dad. Tell him what he says discourages you and turns you off. Share your concerns. Patience is ONLY one aspect of life, the other aspect is being able to share your concerns and respectfully discuss what annoys you.

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Salam,

It must be so hard, I am so sorry you have to go through that. You love someone so dearly, and want to make them proud, searching for some sort of acknowledgement but rather you receive hurtful words.

I can tell you love your dad dearly and have been living your life to make him proud. I also know you know that your dad loves you, because you can see all the good he does for you, and how much he thinks about you.

It must be really hard, I want you to know your not the only one going through this.

But, sweetheart, you need to know he is your dad, try your best not to disrespect him. If he tells you harsh words, try to listen, acknowledge, thank and forget. I know you are sick of hearing this, but it's important to know that. Please don’t argue with your dad, I know you might be desperate to get your dad to understand you, and give you the emotional support you need, but the majority of times parents don’t listen to their kids. Lol. You will only hurt your relationship with him.

You are an amazing person already, I know you want your dad to tell you this, but it's hard for him, he doesnt know how. You have to accept that.

 I know it sucks, cause your so young and it's so much to handle, but as off now you need to accept that you will not be getting the emotional support you need from your dad. So you need to get it from another place, maybe try your mum? Siblings? therapy? If you do choose friends please be wise when you make your friends, because they will influence you in the long run.

Try to start making decisions for yourself, what you want to be when ur older, how you want to live.

And remember don’t ever give up, Allah is always there. And he loves you 70 times more than your mum does. Maybe try to advance your skills of tawakil ;p

If it makes you feel any better, alot of us had to go through it. I call it Iraqi dad syndrome ;p

But while there are drawbacks to having a dad like that, there are benefits too, you will be one hella big achiever in the future. Successful InshAllah. Maybe driving a Ferrari or Lamborghini :p

Lastly, while your dad might be hurting you, please know that everything you love about yourself comes from him, and everything you will have in the future is from him. Respect him for all he has done for you, love and respect him, for the roof he provides you and the food he puts on the table.

Remember failure is okay :) fail as many times as you want, just don’t give up. If you need more help, you can always message me :) stay strong, I know you will be okay.

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On 10/11/2019 at 3:03 AM, starlight said:

What about your Mum? Can she talk to your father or offer you some support and encouragement for your exams?

Honestly, my dad doesn’t take constructive criticism from anyone. There was a time we’re he got hurt, I tried to help him by telling him what to do and he just ignored it. I don’t even know if I would want to put my mum in that position, because he’s not going to take it seriously and he’ll just angry again.

On 10/11/2019 at 5:42 AM, Hameedeh said:

Salam. Does your father think you should be working to bring money to the family? I hope that he just wants you to study more for your own success in the future. 

He says he wants it for my own success, but he barely let me do what I wanted to do (as in uni). The same thing even happened to my brother, he started getting angry him saying he won’t get much from it. I’m probably just overreacting at this point.

10 hours ago, Quran313 said:

Salaam Alaykum

I know what you mean. I had exact same dad. When I was at high school, I was always number 1 in GPA, math competitions, and anything related to science and engineering. My dad knew it, but he was a cold water on my life. He used to say, no body get anything out of science and studying. Go work and make money. Anyway, I went to university and I studied hard and graduated with a high GPA and distinguished student. I didn't apply for masters program at the school, but department asked me to stay and do masters. Anyway, I got scholarship from US university and moved. Now, my dad realized how hard I worked during those days.

My advice to you is that, talk with your dad. Tell him what he says discourages you and turns you off. Share your concerns. Patience is ONLY one aspect of life, the other aspect is being able to share your concerns and respectfully discuss what annoys you.

When it comes talking talking to my dad, I can’t even have a proper conversation with him, he always has something to criticise. Half the reason why is because, whenever we have guests or something and I have to help my mum by giving them the tea in a tray, he’d always say something embarrassing and I can’t take it anymore. Another thing was when I tried to explain to him why I’m not studying at a moment was because I was tired, he’ll be like, no you’re just wasting time as usual and I can say anything because he is screaming. 

Thanks for the advice everyone. Jazakumallah Khairun

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8 hours ago, RUKS said:

Salam,

It must be so hard, I am so sorry you have to go through that. You love someone so dearly, and want to make them proud, searching for some sort of acknowledgement but rather you receive hurtful words.

I can tell you love your dad dearly and have been living your life to make him proud. I also know you know that your dad loves you, because you can see all the good he does for you, and how much he thinks about you.

It must be really hard, I want you to know your not the only one going through this.

But, sweetheart, you need to know he is your dad, try your best not to disrespect him. If he tells you harsh words, try to listen, acknowledge, thank and forget. I know you are sick of hearing this, but it's important to know that. Please don’t argue with your dad, I know you might be desperate to get your dad to understand you, and give you the emotional support you need, but the majority of times parents don’t listen to their kids. Lol. You will only hurt your relationship with him.

You are an amazing person already, I know you want your dad to tell you this, but it's hard for him, he doesnt know how. You have to accept that.

 I know it sucks, cause your so young and it's so much to handle, but as off now you need to accept that you will not be getting the emotional support you need from your dad. So you need to get it from another place, maybe try your mum? Siblings? therapy? If you do choose friends please be wise when you make your friends, because they will influence you in the long run.

Try to start making decisions for yourself, what you want to be when ur older, how you want to live.

And remember don’t ever give up, Allah is always there. And he loves you 70 times more than your mum does. Maybe try to advance your skills of tawakil ;p

If it makes you feel any better, alot of us had to go through it. I call it Iraqi dad syndrome ;p

But while there are drawbacks to having a dad like that, there are benefits too, you will be one hella big achiever in the future. Successful InshAllah. Maybe driving a Ferrari or Lamborghini :p

Lastly, while your dad might be hurting you, please know that everything you love about yourself comes from him, and everything you will have in the future is from him. Respect him for all he has done for you, love and respect him, for the roof he provides you and the food he puts on the table.

Remember failure is okay :) fail as many times as you want, just don’t give up. If you need more help, you can always message me :) stay strong, I know you will be okay.

Thank you very much, too all of you. I’ll try to make the best of the advice given. Inshallah I’ll keep all of you in my dua.

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@Godsslave

Brother, I know what you mean by improper conversation. When he screams, tell him why are you screaming? If your relationship with your dad is not solvable, involve with your mum and other siblings. Explain the situation and then sit all together and talk about your issue. Involving Shaykh of the mosque and asking him to talk with your dad is another option. But it should be between you, your dad, and Shaykh. Plus it should be your last option. Try to involve your mum with other sibling and solve the issue within family peacefully. Last but not least, calm down and be respectful when you talk with your dad. I promise, it has more effect

Inshaallah it will be solved :)

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