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Jannat786

What are the signs of a toxic relationship?

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Assalamalykum,

I wanted to know from you all what you think are the signs you’re in a toxic relationship. 

I’m starting to think I’m in one but sometimes I tell myself I’m just overthinking. 

I’ve tried contacting scholars to know if such behaviour is normal but unfortunately they take too long to respond and all they focus on is “is he/she religious?” “Do they pray 5 times a day?” And frankly sometimes that’s just not enough.

JazakAllah 

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There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and psychological abuse. Emotional abuse can happen in so many different ways. I have read so much about this and there are so many checklists of red flags available online. I will suggest you read about narcissists and see if you can find out any things similar in your relationship. 

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A good relationship recognizes both partners as individuals and allows them to have independent interests, and also the people are able to work together toward common goals or to solve shared problems. A good relationship makes both people into better versions of themselves.

A toxic relationship is imbalanced, brings out the worst in one or both partners, causes one or both too much stress, the feeling that they are walking on eggshells. Any abuse of any kind is toxic and should not be tolerated, but there are situations that are not quite abusive, but might be considered toxic.

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Look into the different types of abuse, emotional, financial, etc. Look into emotional abuse red flags/warning signs exhaustively on various credible sources. Look up signs of personality disorders in your partner like narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, etc. on credible sources. I'm in a few domestic violence victim support groups online, and all the women say they missed or ignored many red flags and often many of these women remember the same red flags. I also get to see first hand through real life stories and pictures how much hell these women have gone through.

You said you weren't sure if you are in one, I'd consider looking in depth into the concept of gaslighting.

My dad was a narcissist and every type of abuser, he prayed 5 times a day and pretended to be the most religious person. Perhaps those scholars need to inform themselves on abuse if that's all they're considering.

Edited by Lilly14

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You've mentioned in a thread before that he has some anger management issues, you need to know if you're able to handle that in itself, let alone considering whether its a toxic relationship or not. You've mentioned that you walk egg shells around him and that just shows you're not comfortable. And I have given you my opinion and advise on this in our PM's. 

You need to start thinking very clearly for what you want and where you want to head off. You're still young regardless of cultural perspectives and I completely understand how that is easier said than done, but have faith in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), and everything will be ok!

Sit down and think about what the future would look like with this man, the kids you'd have, the house you'll be in, whats likely the treatment he will give you.

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6 hours ago, Jannat786 said:

Assalamalykum,

I wanted to know from you all what you think are the signs you’re in a toxic relationship. 

I’m starting to think I’m in one but sometimes I tell myself I’m just overthinking. 

I’ve tried contacting scholars to know if such behaviour is normal but unfortunately they take too long to respond and all they focus on is “is he/she religious?” “Do they pray 5 times a day?” And frankly sometimes that’s just not enough.

JazakAllah 

A toxic relationship isn't  just about his levels of faith.

One main sign I believe in a toxic relationship is lack of communication or understanding. If one partner ignores or avoids communication with their spouse, not being open minded with the other, yes that definetely could be a sign. 

You need to give time to yourself to think clearly if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with

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Listen to your instincts. Don’t worry what others around you think, you are the one who has to live with him. I just broke off my engagement a few months ago and wish I had listened to my instincts earlier instead of getting advice from others. 

For me the red flags were: getting easily irritable, not resolving conflicts very soon after but waiting till the next day, lack of taking responsibility for his actions, not being aware of his own emotions (for example denying that he raised his voice at me when he did), lies, defensiveness, and not acknowledging my emotions when I’ve told him he has hurt me. And the list goes on...

Unfortunately I didn’t realize these things till just a month or two  before the wedding. He was an angel before that. Also- Beware of something called ‘love bombing’ which is when they shower you with emotion and promises for the future thinking it will make you happy. 

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6 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

If you're questioning whether you're in a toxic relationship, then your relationship isnt great at all - to say the least. don’t waste time on things that don’t make you happy or benefit you in any way. 

Agreed. If you think he has serious flaws then you will spend your time trying to ‘fix’ him and in the meantime your needs won’t be taken care of. Of course I don’t know you personally, so if you think you can be patient and tolerate him that’s something you have to think about. Just know that a lifetime commitment is just that and if you are hoping someone’s personality will change you may be disappointed. 

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On 9/26/2019 at 5:22 PM, Jannat786 said:

Assalamalykum,

I wanted to know from you all what you think are the signs you’re in a toxic relationship. 

I’m starting to think I’m in one but sometimes I tell myself I’m just overthinking. 

I’ve tried contacting scholars to know if such behaviour is normal but unfortunately they take too long to respond and all they focus on is “is he/she religious?” “Do they pray 5 times a day?” And frankly sometimes that’s just not enough.

JazakAllah 

Wa alaykum salaam,

What is or is not toxic for you in a relationship could be relative. The important thing is whether you will be able to tolerate/ignore it  and for how long? What are you willing to give up to get out of a toxic situation if you happen to realise you are in one? Who and what is the source of the toxicity in the relationship? How long have you been together and when did these signs of toxicity start showing up, or were they always there?

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On 9/26/2019 at 6:22 PM, Jannat786 said:

Assalamalykum,

I wanted to know from you all what you think are the signs you’re in a toxic relationship. 

I’m starting to think I’m in one but sometimes I tell myself I’m just overthinking. 

I’ve tried contacting scholars to know if such behaviour is normal but unfortunately they take too long to respond and all they focus on is “is he/she religious?” “Do they pray 5 times a day?” And frankly sometimes that’s just not enough.

JazakAllah 

Asking about the signs of a toxic relationship is itself a sign.  

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On 11/8/2019 at 2:25 PM, eThErEaL said:

Asking about the signs of a toxic relationship is itself a sign.  

This is very true. I remember in the beginning of my toxic relationship, my ex would do some things I would find very odd. My gut feeling would be very strong.. but as always I would ignore it, and make excuses for him. However, I would always question if the relationship was healthy. 

Honestly sister, if you are questioning whether your relationship is toxic, it most likely is. Please be careful about falling into the act of binge-reading articles upon articles about toxic relationships in attempting to understand your significant other. If something doesn't feel right, it most likely isn't. 

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On 9/27/2019 at 2:14 AM, rkazmi33 said:

There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and psychological abuse. Emotional abuse can happen in so many different ways. I have read so much about this and there are so many checklists of red flags available online. I will suggest you read about narcissists and see if you can find out any things similar in your relationship. 

Thank you! I am reading up about it and believe me I’ve combed through tens of articles and discussion threads, I guess I’m just scared of leaving and cutting him off. 

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On 9/27/2019 at 2:35 AM, notme said:

A good relationship recognizes both partners as individuals and allows them to have independent interests, and also the people are able to work together toward common goals or to solve shared problems. A good relationship makes both people into better versions of themselves.

A toxic relationship is imbalanced, brings out the worst in one or both partners, causes one or both too much stress, the feeling that they are walking on eggshells. Any abuse of any kind is toxic and should not be tolerated, but there are situations that are not quite abusive, but might be considered toxic.

Thank you! 

I’m generally not an angry person at all and even if I do get angry I don’t let it out but he brings out this horrible side of me where I get so angry that I start speaking rudely or in a loud tone and then I feel so incredibly guilty. 

I’m not trying to blame him for this because my reaction is my responsibility but I was never like this before and this change in me is making me feel horrible. 

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On 9/27/2019 at 3:13 AM, Lilly14 said:

Look into the different types of abuse, emotional, financial, etc. Look into emotional abuse red flags/warning signs exhaustively on various credible sources. Look up signs of personality disorders in your partner like narcissism, psychopathy, sociopathy, etc. on credible sources. I'm in a few domestic violence victim support groups online, and all the women say they missed or ignored many red flags and often many of these women remember the same red flags. I also get to see first hand through real life stories and pictures how much hell these women have gone through.

You said you weren't sure if you are in one, I'd consider looking in depth into the concept of gaslighting.

My dad was a narcissist and every type of abuser, he prayed 5 times a day and pretended to be the most religious person. Perhaps those scholars need to inform themselves on abuse if that's all they're considering.

Thank you! I just looked up gaslighting and it’s definitely happening to me. If he hurts me then I’m told I’m overreacting or I’m not forgetting about it fast enough and that he doesn’t want to speak about it anymore. 

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On 9/27/2019 at 12:06 AM, Ruqaya101 said:

You've mentioned in a thread before that he has some anger management issues, you need to know if you're able to handle that in itself, let alone considering whether its a toxic relationship or not. You've mentioned that you walk egg shells around him and that just shows you're not comfortable. And I have given you my opinion and advise on this in our PM's. 

You need to start thinking very clearly for what you want and where you want to head off. You're still young regardless of cultural perspectives and I completely understand how that is easier said than done, but have faith in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), and everything will be ok!

Sit down and think about what the future would look like with this man, the kids you'd have, the house you'll be in, whats likely the treatment he will give you.

Thank you, Ruqaya! For your help here and in our PMs. 

It’s so much easier said than done, you’re right. 

It’s a difficult step but I know I have to take it to preserve my sanity because quite frankly I feel like I’m losing my mind now. 

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On 9/27/2019 at 8:12 AM, 3wliya_maryam said:

A toxic relationship isn't  just about his levels of faith.

One main sign I believe in a toxic relationship is lack of communication or understanding. If one partner ignores or avoids communication with their spouse, not being open minded with the other, yes that definetely could be a sign. 

You need to give time to yourself to think clearly if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with

Thank you! Everytime I picture my life with him I just visualise arguments and difficult times because that’s all that’s happening right now. That’s a big enough red flag, I know. I’m just afraid of leaving. 

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On 9/27/2019 at 11:17 AM, 2Timeless said:

If you're questioning whether you're in a toxic relationship, then your relationship isnt great at all - to say the least. don’t waste time on things that don’t make you happy or benefit you in any way. 

Thank you! I’ve read that a few times as well. If I’m questioning the relationship then it’s probably not great in the first place. 

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On 9/27/2019 at 5:25 PM, Love4the14 said:

Listen to your instincts. Don’t worry what others around you think, you are the one who has to live with him. I just broke off my engagement a few months ago and wish I had listened to my instincts earlier instead of getting advice from others. 

For me the red flags were: getting easily irritable, not resolving conflicts very soon after but waiting till the next day, lack of taking responsibility for his actions, not being aware of his own emotions (for example denying that he raised his voice at me when he did), lies, defensiveness, and not acknowledging my emotions when I’ve told him he has hurt me. And the list goes on...

Unfortunately I didn’t realize these things till just a month or two  before the wedding. He was an angel before that. Also- Beware of something called ‘love bombing’ which is when they shower you with emotion and promises for the future thinking it will make you happy. 

Thank you!

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can understand how sad and painful that must have been. May Allah bless you with a better partner.

He’s showing pretty much the same signs. I’ve forgiven many times and forgotten but it just gets harder and harder to forgive. He keeps making bigger and bigger promises to change every time and I just don’t think I can trust him anymore. I’ve kinda lost all respect for him and I don’t think love lasts long when there’s no respect. 

He keeps trivialising my feelings when I tell him his actions hurt me and accuses me of not moving on and forgetting about it. 

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2 minutes ago, Jannat786 said:

Thank you!

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can understand how sad and painful that must have been. May Allah bless you with a better partner.

He’s showing pretty much the same signs. I’ve forgiven many times and forgotten but it just gets harder and harder to forgive. He keeps making bigger and bigger promises to change every time and I just don’t think I can trust him anymore. I’ve kinda lost all respect for him and I don’t think love lasts long when there’s no respect. 

He keeps trivialising my feelings when I tell him his actions hurt me and accuses me of not moving on and forgetting about it. 

Are you married to him already?

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On 11/8/2019 at 8:20 PM, habib e najjaar said:

Wa alaykum salaam,

What is or is not toxic for you in a relationship could be relative. The important thing is whether you will be able to tolerate/ignore it  and for how long? What are you willing to give up to get out of a toxic situation if you happen to realise you are one? Who and what is the source of the toxicity in the relationship? How long have you been together and when did these signs of toxicity start showing up, or were they always there?

I have been tolerating and ignoring it for months now. He keeps saying he’ll change and that I should help him and support him and I’ve been doing that but I’m so tired now. It’s just making me more and more unhappy. It’s like I’m only there to cater to his needs and his growth at the expense of my happiness and self respect. 

It will result in a broken engagement if this relationship is toxic. I’m just afraid that it’s making me toxic as well because now I’m scared of communicating as my feelings are tossed aside. 

We’ve been together for around 6 months now, once we got engaged, after a few weeks this behaviour of shouting, being verbally abusive and his outbursts began. There were no signs before. 

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5 hours ago, Jannat786 said:

Thank you!

I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I can understand how sad and painful that must have been. May Allah bless you with a better partner.

He’s showing pretty much the same signs. I’ve forgiven many times and forgotten but it just gets harder and harder to forgive. He keeps making bigger and bigger promises to change every time and I just don’t think I can trust him anymore. I’ve kinda lost all respect for him and I don’t think love lasts long when there’s no respect. 

He keeps trivialising my feelings when I tell him his actions hurt me and accuses me of not moving on and forgetting about it. 

Thank you for your prayer and kind words...What you have said about losing respect for him really resonates with me, bc that is EXACTLY how I felt and I realized that the ‘love’ I had for him slowly went out the window bc there weren’t many positive things left to respect about him.  Also, lack of trust  essentially broke my deal as well - I’m sure married people can weigh in on trust and respect being the basis of a good relationship.

Respect goes both ways, so if you feel he is hurting you and disregarding your feelings, then he is not showing you the respect you deserve. And in turn that’s why it is difficult to respect him. It hurts to know you’re not getting back what you’re putting in. 

Also if you’re feeling like things are getting harder and harder now.....the stresses after marriage are even harder!! Do you really want to start off fighting an uphill battle? Is he really worth it?

It’s important to pay close attention to your feelings and how he reacts to you and it sounds like you have good judgement of his character so far. I know it can be hard bc most ppl around us have the ‘just make it work’ mentality. But you can only make it work if the other person has proven they are willing to work as hard as you and it sounds like this isn’t the case. Personalities are extremely difficult to change. 

I hope things get easier for you soon iA and you are guided to the right decisions.... feel free to PM me if I can be of more help ...

Edited by Love4the14

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10 hours ago, Jannat786 said:

I have been tolerating and ignoring it for months now. He keeps saying he’ll change and that I should help him and support him and I’ve been doing that but I’m so tired now. It’s just making me more and more unhappy. It’s like I’m only there to cater to his needs and his growth at the expense of my happiness and self respect. 

It will result in a broken engagement if this relationship is toxic. I’m just afraid that it’s making me toxic as well because now I’m scared of communicating as my feelings are tossed aside. 

We’ve been together for around 6 months now, once we got engaged, after a few weeks this behaviour of shouting, being verbally abusive and his outbursts began. There were no signs before. 

It’s not your job to help him change. It sounds like he is expecting you to fix him and then he is manipulating you emotionally by telling bc you that you need to support him this way. 

There is no question about ‘if’ this is toxic. The fact that you’re now afraid to communicate is a big enough sign!! You will always feel like you have to turn your unhappiness inward instead of feeling free to discuss it with him. If it feels like the relationship is turning you into someone you don’t want to be... then you should run and don’t look back. 

Just remember broken engagements are painful but it’s only temporary....the pain of an unhappy marriage is worse 

Edited by Hameedeh
Member asked to edit.

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8 hours ago, Jannat786 said:

I have been tolerating and ignoring it for months now. He keeps saying he’ll change and that I should help him and support him and I’ve been doing that but I’m so tired now. It’s just making me more and more unhappy. It’s like I’m only there to cater to his needs and his growth at the expense of my happiness and self respect. 

It will result in a broken engagement if this relationship is toxic. I’m just afraid that it’s making me toxic as well because now I’m scared of communicating as my feelings are tossed aside. 

We’ve been together for around 6 months now, once we got engaged, after a few weeks this behaviour of shouting, being verbally abusive and his outbursts began. There were no signs before. 

Leave him. Period. You should never be afraid, your own happiness matters. Talk to your parents about this bc it hasn’t been a year yet and it’s never too late 

fee amanillah

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@Jannat786

What you describe of the behaviour that your fiancé displays are MAJOR red flags

I do not mean to scare you but if at 6 months and already there is shouting, verbal abuse and 'outbursts', it will very likely morph into physical violence. 

I tell you out of experience: run a mile the other direction! 

A broken engagement is way better than a broken marriage and a life of abuse and domestic violence. Save yourself the pain and hurt.

It's not your responsibility to help him get better. He ought to control his temper and sort his issues first and only then seek a partner. Not manipulate his partner and guilt trip her over his own issues. 

Again, I do not mean to scare you, but what you describe are very serious signs of an abusive partner. 

Walk away. 

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If you are having trouble leaving please join a local women's support group for abused women or join a support group for abused women on social media, there's lots of private groups so no one can see you're in them if that's what you worry about. Emotional abusers know exactly just what to say so that you will feel like a villain for wanting to leave their abuse. That's why it might be helpful to have people around you who have been in your shoes help you escape his manipulation.

Id say, if you can safety and secretly collect any evidence that you can that proves he yells/is verbally and emotionally abusive so you have proof if anyone is skeptical or points a finger at you instead. Like maybe put a password on your phone and let it record an argument. 

I'm praying everything goes well for you inshaAllah. 

My best friend has been from what started as only an emotionally abusive relationship, then it progressed to an also physically abusive relationship, with her cousin. Then in April, he chocked her until she passed out. She almost died! And when she wanted to leave him, he sent nude pics of her to their whole extended family, parents, grandparents, to punish her. Her family took her car so she can't meet him, tried to take her to support groups to heal, which she rejects. She still to this day talks to him on the phone secretly, and probably meets him too. I stopped talking to her until she leaves him because she vented the horrific abuse to me almost daily and it was too much to bear since she never broke things off with him for more than a week. 

My point is get out before you lose your life, your dignity, your self, your mental health, and your loved ones. You can actually develop PTSD, depression, and anxiety from physical or emotional abuse. 

Edited by Lilly14

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