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In the Name of God بسم الله
Guest Brother77

HELP! - I'm a religious guy, I've fallen for a girl, & don't know what to do

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You know whats really a shame?

Its that most Muslim youth will waste their first love on infatuations that will most likely not end up in any other thing than heart breaks, bad and haunting memories that will affect them negatively, make them more negative towards marriage overall and lose that youthful optimism they had at first when thinking about marriage or finding a match.

Why is that?

Its because their parents don’t bring up marriage when its the right time for them, so since their children are humans they will still seek out a partner on their own but since their parents and the parents of the counterpart are not even involved in these cases, there will be a great chances of it all ending up in heart break. Now the same youth who used to be optimistic and positive about marriage will instead be pessimistic and negative towards it.

If your a parent please try and get your kids married or at least into the thoughts of getting married early in life like Rasulullah(S) has recommended us. And if your a youth struggling because loneliness and natural human needs but your parents wants you to get a PHD before you can start thinking about marriage, please don’t forget how it was and don’t do the same to your own kids one day.

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Aslaam Alaikum brother.

So I get this sometimes as well. I am acc a lot like you in this case bcuz I am above avg in religiousity or I am religious despite my young age. And there are a few things which I think you should consider. First of all as you said  

Quote
On 9/17/2019 at 1:01 AM, Guest Brother77 said:

So, there's this girl who's Shia and who goes to my university, and I think I have unwillingly fallen for her. Like it just happened and it wasn't a choice. I've always had different standards in mind for a girl I'd be interested in, in "that" way. One of the strangest things is that I've always thought I'd want to be with a girl who's more religious. Don't get the wrong idea now, I don't have any haram relationship with her, nor have I expressed my feelings to her, and nor do I plan to at the moment. She's just a girl who I've had to collaborate with to complete tasks, and maintain some kind of a professional relationship with. However, shortly after meeting her, I realized that I have this special affinity/attraction towards her. The good thing is she is shi'a, the bad thing is that her practice of the religion does not match mine (I really don't mean to sound arrogant, I'm no one to judge, but just trying to honestly describe the situation), she wears hijab but still...

First of all a thing I do everynight when I dream or when I think about my future in spare time, I think about my future wife. I don’t pinpoint exactly she would be like internally and externally but I like to think about how much we would love each other for the sake of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and how much we would get around in the house and the way she is so modest as in a bit of my personal preferences are that she would be good- looking, doesn't wear makeup or tight clothes(skinny jeans, short sleeves, high heels etc)  WITH A HIJAB.. I would love if she wore a Chadar bcuz I feel like hijab for the body is also important. She would wear what I would say "The brand of Taqwa". This is externally by the way. Internally if she is strong devouted lover of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), Rasullulah (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) and Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) and that she is caring and affectionate with you but rough and doesnt go near others much as Imam Sahib Asr Wa Zamman (عجّل الله تعالى فرجه الشريف) describes the perfect wife. And obviously qualities and virtues are very important as well. For e.g Humility, patience, gentleness, forbearance, affection, generousity etc. Again Im not going to pick every single one this qualities and virtues but a mix of some would be nice. You know so thats number 1. You're goal should be getting closer to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), fearing and loving Him (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) more, increasing you closeness of Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) and loving Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) 

Number 2  I would say that if you are a good looking guy or the way I would put and would describe myself as well to be pleased with the way Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) created you, then no matter how hard it is lower your gaze, and if you are not shy act shy. Show a face that shows a face of ascetism, of humbleness, of desperately waiting and sadness of not seeing Imam Sahib Al Asr Wa Zamman (atfjs). If you sincerely feel this in your heart then do it otherwise there is no point in being or acting two faced for a girl. And Imam Ridha ( as) said that "If you us Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) then prepare to live a life of austerity". If you are like this then look for a future wife that you would want. That you long for to be with. For the reasons mentioned before loving, fearing and get closer to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), loving and getting closer to Rasullulah (صلى الله عليه وآله وسلم) and Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام) and having the I guess Halal fun that you  always wanted. 

Number 3. Im personally like purifying my intentions. For example I now go gym with the intention that I look good in front of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and am in my best form possible. IA will achieve it. I wear oud, attar when I pray namaz so I smell good in front of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). don’t get me wrong I still like playing football, tennis and stuff btw lol. Anyways hope this helps brother.

 

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Guest Brother77
On 9/17/2019 at 12:49 PM, Jannat786 said:

Lolll, staying away for a while really restarts your brain, doesn't it? Don't despair though, who knows what the future holds, maybe you'll eventually end up with her or someone even better.

Thanks for the kind words, and yes it does lol. With time and distance you can get over almost anything, the thing is you actually have to distance yourself, which isn't always easy or even possible.

On 9/17/2019 at 1:34 PM, Quran313 said:

Talk to her about marriage and your feelings

Ahaa...

On 9/17/2019 at 1:41 PM, habib e najjaar said:

#creepalert

loll

On 9/17/2019 at 1:09 PM, Haji 2003 said:

I only ever proposed to one person and that was a few days after seeing her in person for the first time and that was accepted.

Woah you're the man Haji! Thanks for the guidance! Tell us though (if you're comfortable), how did you decide she was the right one, did you simply trust your heart, and then said bismillah and then boom just went for the proposal?

10 hours ago, Pumpkin said:

Don't let lust cloud your judgement in what you want in a wife because more important than you is how you're impressionable kids will be raised by said wife.

Also, don't judge other too harshly... Most people arent born perfect Muslims, a lot people grow in deen with time lol

Thanks, the thing is it's not a simple case of lust. My affnity towards her is towards her overall person. Alhumdolillah I don't really think I'm struggling with improper gazes towards her or an untamed situation of physical attraction towards her. Huhh judging if someone is "the one" is really no easy task.

6 hours ago, RepentantServant said:

Lol brother you’re just hella infatuated right now.

Let me make one thing clear. You’re not the only guy she’s talking to. Girls have many options & many guys talking to them.

If a girl really wants you, she would make it known. 

In terms of texting & in person, just know that girls are one way in text, but can be different in person, especially hijabis lol. 

Also, if you really like her, she’s probably noticing all the things you’re doing to try & impress her. Girls know when a guy is trying & when he’s trying too hard. So she’s probably noticed all that you’re doing because again, girls know these things, & they probably have other guys doing the same things as you & trying to impress them as well or whatever. Hijabis are a total different ball game my friend.

Lastly, if you really like her, then just ask her to hang out or whatever (Halal intentions only of course). Be straight up with her. Don’t beat around the bush. Or you can just indirectly ask her if she even hangs out with guys, by saying something like ‘so do you hang out with guys or would baba get mad lol’. You’ll know what she’s down for by the answer she gives to that.

Anyhow, if you guys continue talking, just be chill. Be cool. Be a G. Try not to try so hard lol.

Take care & good luck

Ahaha @RepentantServant I felt like a guy getting some "brother-talk" from his chill older brother Lool. Man really?! Sighh I thought I was the special one. Anyway, not sure if she's like that. Yeahh I do wonder if she's noticed me being extra nice or something whenever I have to interact with her. Loll brother I don't think it would be ideal for me to hang out with her. Anyway, interesting points my dude, thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it. And you're right, looking desperate is not the best way to go, being a little cavalier when it comes to this stuff is how you do it :keeporder:.

6 hours ago, hasanhh said:

The obvious:   :scarerun:

Hahaha

5 hours ago, 000 said:

Easy peasy.
Don't waste your time and energy. Don't be afraid. Just propose marriage. (This is what I have done, lol):D
If she agrees, you still have 3 slots more. (I'm not saying that you should have many wifes or not, no one knows the future)
If she disagrees, she will know that you don't want to be bothered and move on so that the task can be done swiftly.

I see, thanks! Like I said earlier though, deciding if someone is "the one" is no easy decision, but ya your're right, I'd still have three more chances! Lol if it only it was that easy.

5 hours ago, King said:

Just ask her out.  A local pizza joint sounds good, maybe she will even offer to split the bill and you get to enjoy pizza at half price because I doubt she eats much.

Okay and then?

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Guest Brother77
2 hours ago, S. Mohammed Hasan Khan said:

Aslaam Alaikum brother.

So I get this sometimes as well. I am acc a lot like you in this case bcuz I am above avg in religiousity or I am religious despite my young age. And there are a few things which I think you should consider. First of all as you said  

Ws, Jazakallah brother!

5 hours ago, Soldiers and Saffron said:

You know whats really a shame?

Its that most Muslim youth will waste their first love on infatuations that will most likely not end up in any other thing than heart breaks, bad and haunting memories that will affect them negatively, make them more negative towards marriage overall and lose that youthful optimism they had at first when thinking about marriage or finding a match.

Why is that?

Its because their parents don’t bring up marriage when its the right time for them, so since their children are humans they will still seek out a partner on their own but since their parents and the parents of the counterpart are not even involved in these cases, there will be a great chances of it all ending up in heart break. Now the same youth who used to be optimistic and positive about marriage will instead be pessimistic and negative towards it.

If your a parent please try and get your kids married or at least into the thoughts of getting married early in life like Rasulullah(S) has recommended us. And if your a youth struggling because loneliness and natural human needs but your parents wants you to get a PHD before you can start thinking about marriage, please don’t forget how it was and don’t do the same to your own kids one day.

I think it also has to do with how society has collectively put marriage on this big pedestal, like it's something that's not supposed to be that simple to do and easy to reach, and if reached recuires this huge celebration. What's sad is that the non-Muslim youth is enjoying the close companionship of the opposite geneder from sometimes even the age of 12, where the Muslim youth being able to only enjoy close companionship of the opposite gender within the institution of marriage, is greatly disadvantaged due to the norms that the kuffar society has set pertaining to marriage, and so has to suffer celibacy and lonliness from not having a close opposite gender companion in life till reletively very late. What's even sadder is that despite the outcomes of normalizing late-marriage, some Muslim people feel it's a good idea to replicate, copy, and mimic this culture of late-marriage that's practiced by the non-Muslims! They're only stabbing themselves while the non-Muslim is laughing away with his/her opposite gender companion (while the Muslim is either commiting haram or suffering lonliness)! I feel people decide to replicate this kuffar culture of late marriage don't pay enough heed to the fact that the kuffar don't need to be married to enjoy the company of the non-mahram, well this is how it is practically and realistically speaking, based on observation and norms. 

If I'm not wrong, Islamically what would be ideal is that if society normalizes simple and less "celebratory" marriage. What would probably be optimal is if the commotion made around marriage was lowered to the commotion one would make around getting their first part-time job or something. Unfortunately, this is not the case though. We feel it's better to screw ourselves as by acting like the kuffar. However, what's also important to mention here is that those people who try and not practice this culture of late marriage and marriage that's made into this massive commotion do probably struggle because of the likely abundant amount of people in the Muslim society that their in who don't have the same mindset as them. 

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9 hours ago, 000 said:

Easy peasy.
Don't waste your time and energy.   Don't be afraid. Just propose marriage.  (This is what I have done, lol):D
If she agrees, you still have 3 slots more. (I'm not saying that you should have many wifes or not, no one knows the future)
If she disagrees, she will know that you don't want to be bothered and move on so that the task can be done swiftly.

And what the 'heck' is he supposed to do if she says 'yes'?

9 hours ago, 000 said:

Just propose marriage. (This is what I have done, lol)

 OPINE:   :furious:"No wonder your screen name is "Zero twice confirmed". This poor, love sick puppy is still in skool and you want to trash his Life with serious financial obligations, brats, dropping-out, . . .?"

:D

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7 hours ago, Guest Brother77 said:

Woah you're the man Haji! Thanks for the guidance! Tell us though (if you're comfortable), how did you decide she was the right one, did you simply trust your heart, and then said bismillah and then boom just went for the proposal?

I saw a photo of hers that an uncle brought back from Pakistan. Fell in love. Went out a year later to Pakistan with an aunt to propose because my mum refused to be involved. Her parents accepted on condition that I wait a further 4 years. In the meantime I'd visit Pakistan once/twice a year in my travels between London and Singapore.

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I knew someone for three days and felt interested in him. Instead, I spoke to him a couples weeks longer to get to know him a bit more, in a halal manner. Next I told my dad about the guy and asked for permission in getting to know him as I don't generally feel interested in guys, especially as I believed my parents would find me someone. My dad let me get to know him, as I did want to consider marriage with the guy. But I had to let my mother know as well. So we spent 8 months talking to each other with my dads permission. And he came and met my parents to formally introduce himself so my parents can get an idea of what he is like. Always do things the most halal way you can. Because if you do, Allah will see how serious you are and will help you along the ways. I did have difficult times due to him being of different races, which my mom could not accept at all. She made it hard on me but I had to be patient and pull through. I had my dad on my side and my brothers. Once he met my parents, my dad fully accepted him and we will be getting married in a few years when we finish our education. But in the mean time, its also for us to get to know each other. We do wish to do a nikkah or mutaa so we can get closer and nothing can be haram between us as its hard, but we have no choice but to be patient with our parents to feel comfortable and ready for that. He and I had about a year now to process everything and feel ready. But alhamdulllah, his parents and my dad accept him. But if she is not up to your religious standards, sometimes that can get in the way, you will want someone to discuss religious topics with, someone you can grow better as a Muslim with. The guy Inshallah I will marry, he and I try to help each other grow as Muslims. He definitely made me a better Muslim.

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On 9/17/2019 at 9:40 PM, 2Timeless said:

Also, you might say it's not arrogance but it is. Why do you keep saying you're better than her Islamically? Firstly, do you think it's fair for her to be considered inferior on an Islamic level by her husband? Secondly, do you want to marry someone who you think will bring you closer or further from Allah? 

I read your response many times and failed to understand how that brother displayed arrogance. That brother never said that he considers his iman to be higher than hers. It's actually good to be very picky and judgemental before we marry someone because you're going to be living with them for the rest of your life. Even if a girl wears tight jeans and hijab, that brother has every right to reject her, I'm sure you can bring more examples. Even if someone considers himself practicing, it never guarantees superiority because in Islam it's not only about the outward.

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Guest Brother77
On 9/19/2019 at 7:20 PM, coconut said:

I knew someone for three days and felt interested in him. Instead, I spoke to him a couples weeks longer to get to know him a bit more, in a halal manner. Next I told my dad about the guy and asked for permission in getting to know him as I don't generally feel interested in guys, especially as I believed my parents would find me someone. My dad let me get to know him, as I did want to consider marriage with the guy. But I had to let my mother know as well. So we spent 8 months talking to each other with my dads permission. And he came and met my parents to formally introduce himself so my parents can get an idea of what he is like. Always do things the most halal way you can. Because if you do, Allah will see how serious you are and will help you along the ways. I did have difficult times due to him being of different races, which my mom could not accept at all. She made it hard on me but I had to be patient and pull through. I had my dad on my side and my brothers. Once he met my parents, my dad fully accepted him and we will be getting married in a few years when we finish our education. But in the mean time, its also for us to get to know each other. We do wish to do a nikkah or mutaa so we can get closer and nothing can be haram between us as its hard, but we have no choice but to be patient with our parents to feel comfortable and ready for that. He and I had about a year now to process everything and feel ready. But alhamdulllah, his parents and my dad accept him. But if she is not up to your religious standards, sometimes that can get in the way, you will want someone to discuss religious topics with, someone you can grow better as a Muslim with. The guy Inshallah I will marry, he and I try to help each other grow as Muslims. He definitely made me a better Muslim.

Thanks for the input, happy to hear, mA congrats!

2 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

I think he's all good now, after reading all the comments.

2 hours ago, habib e najjaar said:

OP - update us on progress. :coffee:

Sister, you seem to be waiting for my next comment like one waits for the next episode of a popular telvelsion series haha. 

to be honest I don't know what to say, I think my mental state isn't as all over the place as it was when I first wrote this thread, and it has become more calm. I am trying to just be normal again too. However, I can't just get rid of her from my life completely due to the circumstances, and whenever I have to talk to her I feel it's just too difficult to talk/interact with her in the most optimal way Islamically speaking or like how I'd talk to just any random non mahram. In other words, I proabably wouldn't see the Ayatollah's I admire talk to her the way I do but at the same time, God knows best, but techinally/jurisprudentially speaking I really hope my talk with her is not considered sin or that bad as well, at least for the most part. Like how I expressed earlier, whenever I have the excuse/opportunity to interact with her, I have this need within to take full advantage of the situation to present myself in a kind, humerous/fun, and imperssive/masculine/dignified way. Deep within I may be still longing for this social closeness to her, and not going to lie I may even miss her when I don't hear from her for a while. Hopefully whatever is supposed to happen just happens on it's own in the proper way. I'm kinda just stagnantly remaining where I am right now with this whole thing, but I am learning more about this peron's personality, character, views on important issues, and etc. from whatever the iA-hopefully-halal-interactions I have with her. 

Lol not sure if God's sending me signs but I randomly stumbled into her again at my university a few days ago around the same time as when I commented on this thread. It was a coicidence, I was probably thinking about her just little while before seeing her. There was no exchange of speech, and I'm not sure if she saw or recognized me, but I saw her walk past me. 

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1 hour ago, Guest Brother77 said:

 

Sister, you seem to be waiting for my next comment like one waits for the next episode of a popular telvelsion series haha. 

Shia halal telenova. What more could an old auntie ask for? :party:

Edited by habib e najjaar

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9 minutes ago, habib e najjaar said:

Yes. So be careful who and how you interact with 'em.:shifty:

Sigh, now I know why our dear Shia brothers are always complaining and wanting mutah. Poor old things are getting their hearts broken every 2 seconds! 

p3V.gif

@Propaganda_of_the_Deed ^^ :thankyou:finally know how to use them 

 

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On 9/19/2019 at 10:51 AM, Guest Brother77 said:

I see, thanks! Like I said earlier though, deciding if someone is "the one" is no easy decision, but ya your're right, I'd still have three more chances! Lol if it only it was that easy.

 

It is actually easy. It is just your mind making it seems hard. As you said, there still 3 more chances. No need to think about "the one". Easy!

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On 9/19/2019 at 2:24 PM, hasanhh said:

And what the 'heck' is he supposed to do if she says 'yes'?
 

That's good. You wouldn't find girls with that quality these days.
 

Quote

 OPINE:   :furious:"No wonder your screen name is "Zero twice confirmed".

:D

Quote

This poor, love sick puppy is still in skool and you want to trash his Life with serious financial obligations, brats, dropping-out, . . .?"

That's just your imagination. Life is not only just like that.

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