HELP! - I'm a religious guy, I've fallen for a girl, & don't know what to do

[Guest Brother77]

Hi Shiachat,

So, I am a person who's generally an above average practing Shia Muslim who has an above average inclination towards practicing religion and gaining religious knowledge. However, I'm currently facing an emotional blizzard in my mind and this has suppressed my normal self greatly.

So, there's this girl who's Shia and who goes to my university, and I think I have unwillingly fallen for her. Like it just happened and it wasn't a choice. I've always had different standards in mind for a girl I'd be interested in, in "that" way. One of the strangest things is that I've always thought I'd want to be with a girl who's more religious. Don't get the wrong idea now, I don't have any haram relationship with her, nor have I expressed my feelings to her, and nor do I plan to at the moment. She's just a girl who I've had to collaborate with to complete tasks, and maintain some kind of a professional relationship with. However, shortly after meeting her, I realized that I have this special affinity/attraction towards her. The good thing is she is shi'a, the bad thing is that her practice of the religion does not match mine (I really don't mean to sound arrogant, I'm no one to judge, but just trying to honestly describe the situation), she wears hijab but still...

I've properly known her for 10 days now. So far, most of the interactions I've had with her have been virtual. In these virtual interactions, I have to say, it's sad but I feel my halal formal social conduct with her is starting to helplessly become on the "edge" with her...She's become quite open and free with me on text (I don't know if that's just with me or in general, probably in general) and because of that I find myself becoming a bit less formal and opening up to her a bit too...

My interactions with her have been on the "edge", I just really hope I'm not starting to act a little too kind or friendly with her but it gets tough when you have a "crush" on her. Whenever I have to interact with her I have this urge to try and be funny and be a fun and impressive person, and because of this I find myself sending cracking those extra jokes at times...The thing is, I've only had to work with her in-person once and I think I can say that I probably left a pretty impressive impression and recieved a good amount of attention from her. I don't think it's wrong for me to try and be an impressive person in front of her right? Is it? 

Whenever I have to interact with her my mind just tells me that I need to impress her and gain her attention...Today was the second time I had to work with her in-person, I had to spend quite a bit of time with her, and the end of it I kind of felt heart-broken to be honest. Unlike the first time, I felt like today was pretty so-so. Not that I'm trying to have any haram social interactions with her but within the bounds of the halal interactions, I felt I wasn't that impressive and didn't perform well today...I don't know, but the whole time I was with her to work on that task, my mind was just all over the place, I couldn't concentrate on anything. I think I was over-thinking everything, I think I was just really pressured by wanting to try and impress her and gain her attention...I blew it today! Although I did have to carry some conversations with her I don't think I carried these conversations in a very impressive way. Aside from this, what really bugged me is how open and frequent she is on text with me but today when we had to work in the same room together for a good length of time, I felt like I was kinda ignored...I felt like we were kinda new people to each other again or something and she just treated me like I'm some any other...like the heck?! When we met in real life today, things were quite serious and it didn't look like we were the same two people on text. Again, don't get the wrong idea, on text it's formal too but it's a little formally friendlier and she's a lot more open. Today, she was just completely doing her on thing.

Anyway, the thing I noticed about girls is that, for some of them, you can't tell if they're being kind to you because they also have some type of a special affinity for you like you have for them or they're just being kind to you because that's just how they are!

Since the past 10 days, I find myself thinking about her everyday, craving for her attention (simple halal attention), craving for the opportunity to impress her, waiting for her next text or the next excuse to talk to her and etc etc...I feel like spritiuallity I've taken a hit from all of this even though technically I may not have committed any serious haram or anything...But the thing is, if I ask myself if I see her as my wife, my response is no response. I don't know! The thing is I've always had a different girl in mind. Also, looking at things from a third person perspective, we don't match in many ways. But, at the same time, we could match too. She's really an amazing person in many ways, she has a very charming personality. She really values her faith too and wears the hijab but she isn't the most proper in her practice. It's so confusing. I just feel really down right now. My life feels stuck right now and that all I can think about is her. 

Anyway, the arrow of her attraction has definitely pierced my heart. What am I, as a guy who tries to be religoius, supposed to do now?

Any thoughts, comments, advice, advice to make her like me but keep things halal, or anything else would be appreciated on anything I've said. Thank you.

 

[starlight]

The way to keep things Halal is nikkah, temporary or permanent. See if you can ask her parents. 

[habib e najjaar]

LOL @ OP. Since its been all of 10 days, first take a bit of time to analyse if you want to spend the rest of your life with her as your only wife and the mother of your children. Forever. And ever, and ever. If not, do what it takes to get rid of those feelings. The nature of the heart is such that it will eventually get over this "high" sometimes much sooner than you think. So you need non emotional purely logical reasons to want to be with her, since they are a more stable foundation for a marriage than an erratic heart beat.

Also, IF you want to marry her is the environment you are in conducive to marriage or are there some crazy issues that could make this a terrible choice e.g wrong nationality, citizenship status, race, wrong kind of Sayyid, non Sayyid etc. These are not religious or valid reasons, but if they come up do you have it in you to forge ahead anyway or will you quit along the way?

InshaAllah things work out in a way that is good for your dunya and aakhirah. In the meantime, keep up your social and visual hijab as well as the hijab of your wahm/imagination so that it does not fire up the little engine called lust that can potentially shut down reason.

Wa billahi tawfeeq

[Soldiers and Saffron]

Salam,

Sounds like infatuation, especially since you have only known her for 10 days in your whole life.

Do you know the difference between infatuation and love?

Infatuation is what you feel for a girl you barely know after 2 meetings, love is what your mother feels for you when you start to get depressed and fail at school/work because your infatuated with a girl you don’t know and its messing with your health.

 

I think you should talk to your parents and ask them to find you a suitable match for marriage, sounds like its the right time for you.

[Vindemiatrix]

Brother, you need to calm down, take a step back or you're going to get very hurt here.... 

All you need to do is talk to your parents and see if they can form an alliance with the girl's parents.... That's the most Halal way.... 

Then if they agree then you'd probably get supervised contact/Mut'ah or just messaging for a bit then Mut'ah etc... 

Edited September 17, 2019 by Ali~J

[Guest fish_head]

It sounds like you're losing it. This is purely 100% my opinion, I can't back this up with a hadith or anything. But I think it would be ideal if the girl made you think even more about God. Someone who you see as a partner in spirituality who will help elevate your faith to new heights. You should trust your gut, if it isn't screaming at you with a clear answer then take it as a sign that you don't even want her. Women are charming creatures, we can say we're tough men of faith who can resist their allure, but that just isn't how things work. You can put a pretty girl next to the most pious mo'min you know, and even he'd start sweating and thinking stupid things. That's why we have to maintain our distance, only speak to them when it's appropriate/necessary, and stay professional and cordial. Even Prophet Yousef s.a, tried to run out that door when Zulaikha approached him. If a man who is physically incapable of sinning did that then why should we kid ourselves? It's impossible to be tough and just tolerate this, the only way to avoid this kind of sin is to literally avoid it.

You let your guard down and got charmed. Unfortunately you can't just flip a switch and stop having feelings for her, so ride it out until the next semester where you don't have to see her, and then you can slowly start to forget about her. Or who knows, maybe she is the one. Maybe she's supposed to marry a more religious person who guides her instead of you getting that privilege. Not saying that to give you any ideas, but I shouldn't be so arrogant as to just write her off as an unnecessary temptation.

 

As for the texting: People are more confident when messaging. They can take their time when responding, say things that they wouldn't normally be comfortable saying face to face, and express themselves perfectly. It sidesteps a lot of important social skills that should have been developed and as a result you have an entire generation of awkward people. Because of this, a weird thing happens where people have two separate relationships with the same person. Online they're very close, irl they're awkward and uncomfortable.

[Jannat786]

You are deeply infatuated with this girl. I'd suggest you take some time away from texting her or talking to her just to give yourself some clarity of thought. Is being religious a non-negotiable factor for you? If yes, then don't compromise on it now only for the rush of gaining her attention because believe me these "butterflies in your stomach" feelings will eventually pass and then you'll be forced to acknowledge the good and bad in her. When that does happen and you realize her level of religiousness is not what your personal preference is then you'll have no one else to blame but yourself for overlooking it when deep down you knew it was a crucial element. Also, bear in mind that when someone is not as religious as you or somewhere at a similar level of religiousness as you then one of two things can happen; 1) she might be encouraged to be more religious because of you, OR 2) you might become less religious because of her, this is bound to happen, I speak from personal experience. It could go either way. Remember, at the end of the day, Allah is able to instill or remove love from our hearts so make a sincere dua to Allah that if this is beneficial for your deen then to keep these feelings of attraction (you can approach her and her parents then) and if it's something that will take you away from Him then to expel such feelings from your heart. InshAllah, what's best for both of you will happen. 

[Guest Brother77]

4 hours ago, Soldiers and Saffron said:

you have only known her for 10 days in your whole life.

4 hours ago, Soldiers and Saffron said:

Infatuation is what you feel for a girl you barely know after 2 meetings,

Sorry if I was a little unclear, I actually first got to know of her existence like 4-5 months ago as we have mutual connections in school and outside of school. And I've met her (not one on one) at least two to three times before these past 10 days, I think I did always had this subtle special liking for her from the start. However, these past 10 days is when I've had to work and interact with her closely and regularly, so far it's been mostly virtual except the two times I talked about in my original post. 

[Guest Brother77]

5 hours ago, habib e najjaar said:

LOL @ OP. Since its been all of 10 days, first take a bit of time to analyse if you want to spend the rest of your life with her as your only wife and the mother of your children. Forever. And ever, and ever. If not, do what it takes to get rid of those feelings. The nature of the heart is such that it will eventually get over this "high" sometimes much sooner than you think. So you need non emotional purely logical reasons to want to be with her, since they are a more stable foundation for a marriage than an erratic heart beat.

I see, thank you for your advice. When people decide to get married, do they do it based completely based off purely logical reasons? Or are the purely logical reasons supposed to be there but supplemented with this this strong attraction towards the person from the heart as well? If I look at things from purely a logical lens, I could probably find some one to be a match for me in a lot more ways but am I supposed to just dismiss her from my mind now . However, maybe I'm just making things difficult for myself and being too picky.

5 hours ago, habib e najjaar said:

Also, IF you want to marry her is the environment you are in conducive to marriage or are there some crazy issues that could make this a terrible choice e.g wrong nationality, citizenship status, race, wrong kind of Sayyid, non Sayyid etc. These are not religious or valid reasons, but if they come up do you have it in you to forge ahead anyway or will you quit along the way?

If I were to decide to move forward with this, the only obstacles I'm seeing in my way is that she's older than me by 1-2 years, her family I heard is quite wealthy where mine is pretty average/middle-class, the religious practice incompatibility (but who knows, she's showed genuine religious interest, maybe she could change) and lastly I still am quite far from being financially established.

5 hours ago, habib e najjaar said:

InshaAllah things work out in a way that is good for your dunya and aakhirah. In the meantime, keep up your social and visual hijab as well as the hijab of your wahm/imagination so that it does not fire up the little engine called lust that can potentially shut down reason.

Wa billahi tawfeeq

InshaAllah, remember me in your prayers.

[Guest Brother77]

4 hours ago, Ali~J said:

Brother, you need to calm down, take a step back or you're going to get very hurt here.... 

All you need to do is talk to your parents and see if they can form an alliance with the girl's parents.... That's the most Halal way.... 

Then if they agree then you'd probably get supervised contact/Mut'ah or just messaging for a bit then Mut'ah etc... 

Thanks.

5 hours ago, Soldiers and Saffron said:

when you start to get depressed and fail at school/work because your infatuated with a girl you don’t know and its messing with your health.

 

I won't let this happen, thank you for the warning though.

 

[Guest Brother77]

5 hours ago, Guest fish_head said:

It sounds like you're losing it. This is purely 100% my opinion, I can't back this up with a hadith or anything. But I think it would be ideal if the girl made you think even more about God. Someone who you see as a partner in spirituality who will help elevate your faith to new heights. You should trust your gut, if it isn't screaming at you with a clear answer then take it as a sign that you don't even want her. Women are charming creatures, we can say we're tough men of faith who can resist their allure, but that just isn't how things work. You can put a pretty girl next to the most pious mo'min you know, and even he'd start sweating and thinking stupid things. That's why we have to maintain our distance, only speak to them when it's appropriate/necessary, and stay professional and cordial. Even Prophet Yousef s.a, tried to run out that door when Zulaikha approached him. If a man who is physically incapable of sinning did that then why should we kid ourselves? It's impossible to be tough and just tolerate this, the only way to avoid this kind of sin is to literally avoid it.

Very interesting food for thought! You sound like a very wise person mA. But I do have to say, my attraction for isn't just because of her looks, yes she is good looking but she isn't like some model either. I've came across many good looking muslimas before and not fallen for them. You're right, women are charming creatures indeed.

5 hours ago, Guest fish_head said:

You let your guard down and got charmed. Unfortunately you can't just flip a switch and stop having feelings for her, so ride it out until the next semester where you don't have to see her, and then you can slowly start to forget about her.

Wow, maybe you're right.

5 hours ago, Guest fish_head said:

Or who knows, maybe she is the one. Maybe she's supposed to marry a more religious person who guides her instead of you getting that privilege. Not saying that to give you any ideas, but I shouldn't be so arrogant as to just write her off as an unnecessary temptation.

Maybe you're right again, God knows. If that's the case, iA things become easy and just happen properly on their own.

5 hours ago, Guest fish_head said:

As for the texting: People are more confident when messaging. They can take their time when responding, say things that they wouldn't normally be comfortable saying face to face, and express themselves perfectly. It sidesteps a lot of important social skills that should have been developed and as a result you have an entire generation of awkward people. Because of this, a weird thing happens where people have two separate relationships with the same person. Online they're very close, irl they're awkward and uncomfortable.

Oh my God, you've nailed it! I think this is exactly what's happened and what happens so oftenly nowadays. I'm going to defninitly keep what you've said here in mind so I do not miss out on developing those important social skills which allow for quality connection when meeting someone in real life.

"Because of this, a weird thing happens where people have two separate relationships with the same person. Online they're very close, irl they're awkward and uncomfortable." 

-Guest Fish_Head

I'm still "wow-ing" at how accurate and representive this statement is of reality for many people nowadays!

[Guest Brother77]

1 hour ago, Jannat786 said:

You are deeply infatuated with this girl. I'd suggest you take some time away from texting her or talking to her just to give yourself some clarity of thought. Is being religious a non-negotiable factor for you? If yes, then don't compromise on it now only for the rush of gaining her attention because believe me these "butterflies in your stomach" feelings will eventually pass and then you'll be forced to acknowledge the good and bad in her. When that does happen and you realize her level of religiousness is not what your personal preference is then you'll have no one else to blame but yourself for overlooking it when deep down you knew it was a crucial element. Also, bear in mind that when someone is not as religious as you or somewhere at a similar level of religiousness as you then one of two things can happen; 1) she might be encouraged to be more religious because of you, OR 2) you might become less religious because of her, this is bound to happen, I speak from personal experience. It could go either way. Remember, at the end of the day, Allah is able to instill or remove love from our hearts so make a sincere dua to Allah that if this is beneficial for your deen then to keep these feelings of attraction (you can approach her and her parents then) and if it's something that will take you away from Him then to expel such feelings from your heart. InshAllah, what's best for both of you will happen. 

Thank you so much.

1 hour ago, Jannat786 said:

you can approach her

If I do decide to move forward, am I supposed to approach her at all when it comes to this stuff or am I supposed to just go directly to the parental level? If I were to approach her, what would be the ideal way of doing it do you think?

[habib e najjaar]

1 hour ago, Guest Brother77 said:

I see, thank you for your advice. When people decide to get married, do they do it based completely based off purely logical reasons? Or are the purely logical reasons supposed to be there but supplemented with this this strong attraction towards the person from the heart as well? 

It is possible to have a good marriage founded on purely logical grounds, because even logic dictates that one should marry someone they feel they are comfortable with from the looks and personality perspective. Thinking a potential spouse looks good is not an emotional, unislamic or bad thing. Infact one should make sure that they marry someone whose general looks they are ok with, and if they know they have a specific uncompromisable "need" in a spouse, they should make sure the potential has that e.g a person who cannot live with a person with 6 toes or crooked tooth and it would bother them endlessly even if that person happened to be amazing in all other respects should make sure about this before they marry.

The issue of concern here is the fact that being around her may make you do stuff you do NOT want to do, and which you will hate having done if you do it (unless I read wrong). You are having a crush. You may have more of these before you marry. They WILL pass. Issue is, IF she is a potential very good match for you, and your heart is doing sujood and rukoo each time you see or think about her,  you may want to turn on the logic full blast to confirm there are valid logical reasons for approaching her family asap.

Wa billahi tawfeeq

[Jannat786]

55 minutes ago, Guest Brother77 said:

Thank you so much.

If I do decide to move forward, am I supposed to approach her at all when it comes to this stuff or am I supposed to just go directly to the parental level? If I were to approach her, what would be the ideal way of doing it do you think?

You're welcome!

Personally, I'd like the man to first approach me and speak about his feelings and let me know of his intentions. You'll have to be very direct and also very careful with your words. After contemplation if you do wish to take it forward then you can tell her that you're quite attracted to her because of her personality and you'd like to know her more but in a halal way and with her parent's permission, tell her that she can take her time to decide whether or not she'd like to pursue this further and if she can imagine something more permanent with you and once she has decided she can let you know. If she decides to take it further then you can ask her how best to approach her parents and if she says no then thank Allah as you tried your best to go convey with your feelings in a halal way and with good intentions but if it didn't workout then He has a better plan for you and someone even better for you. Trust in Him. Good luck!

[habib e najjaar]

4 minutes ago, Jannat786 said:

You're welcome!

Personally, I'd like the man to first approach me and speak about his feelings and let me know of his intentions. You'll have to be very direct and also very careful with your words. After contemplation if you do wish to take it forward then you can tell her that you're quite attracted to her because of her personality and you'd like to know her more but in a halal way and with her parent's permission, tell her that she can take her time to decide whether or not she'd like to pursue this further and if she can imagine something more permanent with you and once she has decided she can let you know. If she decides to take it further then you can ask her how best to approach her parents and if she says no then thank Allah as you tried your best to go convey with your feelings in a halal way and with good intentions but if it didn't workout then He has a better plan for you and someone even better for you. Trust in Him. Good luck!

Assuming she is like you, this could work. The other type of girls HATE to be approached directly and will turn down a potential good guy because he took a "wrong" approach by asking directly. I speak from experience 

[Jannat786]

6 minutes ago, habib e najjaar said:

Assuming she is like you, this could work. The other type of girls HATE to be approached directly and will turn down a potential good guy because he took a "wrong" approach by asking directly. I speak from experience 

If it was a guy I did not know then yes I too would turn him down but OP is friends with this girl so it might get awkward if he directly approached her parents without asking her first. Her parents might also think that they were in a haram relationship if OP went up to her parents like "Assalamalaykum, I'm friends with your daughter and I want to marry her maybe". The girl might think of him as creepy if he went behind her back and did that and so it's best if he talks to her first, finds out if she's interested and also find out how best to approach her parents without giving off a wrong impression. 

I'm sorry you've had such experiences though, better luck next time eh?

[habib e najjaar]

5 minutes ago, Jannat786 said:

If it was a guy I did not know then yes I too would turn him down but OP is friends with this girl so it might get awkward if he directly approached her parents without asking her first. Her parents might also think that they were in a haram relationship if OP went up to her parents like "Assalamalaykum, I'm friends with your daughter and I want to marry her maybe". The girl might think of him as creepy if he went behind her back and did that and so it's best if he talks to her first, finds out if she's interested and also find out how best to approach her parents without giving off a wrong impression. 

I'm sorry you've had such experiences though, better luck next time eh?

A female friend/sister would be less formal than the parents, but can let you know early enough if she is available or willing to consider you. All this thinking and she might be halal engaged to somebody else

Plus, if you let your family know there is a girl you are interested in for marriage, you will get a ton of research on her to help you confirm your decision or change it, and it would then be your parents approaching her family, so thered be no room for awkward skinny guy from college stammering infront of intimidating middle eastern dad

Edited September 17, 2019 by habib e najjaar

[habib e najjaar]

1 hour ago, Guest Brother77 said:

If I were to decide to move forward with this, the only obstacles I'm seeing in my way is that she's older than me by 1-2 years, her family I heard is quite wealthy where mine is pretty average/middle-class, the religious practice incompatibility (but who knows, she's showed genuine religious interest, maybe she could change) and lastly I still am quite far from being financially established.

Does your financial status mean you are years away from being able to marry even if she does accept you? If that is the case, more reason to give yourself plenty of time to get over the crush and see if you still want to be with her forever once the hormones and reasoning faculties are back in full normal function.

[Jannat786]

1 minute ago, habib e najjaar said:

A female friend/sister would be less formal than the parents, but can let you know early enough if she is available or willing to consider you. All this thinking and she might be halal engaged to somebody else

Definitely! he should speak to a friend or sister, it'll be easier and less nerve wracking. Haha let's not dampen OP's hopes and dreams! 

[2Timeless]

2 hours ago, Guest Brother77 said:

Sorry if I was a little unclear, I actually first got to know of her existence like 4-5 months ago as we have mutual connections in school and outside of school. And I've met her (not one on one) at least two to three times before these past 10 days, I think I did always had this subtle special liking for her from the start. However, these past 10 days is when I've had to work and interact with her closely and regularly, so far it's been mostly virtual except the two times I talked about in my original post. 

You knew of her "existence" 4-5 months ago? And? You thought she looks pretty she might be funny but there are 101 girls who you will find pretty and funny and know of her existence for over 5 months. 

Also, you might say it's not arrogance but it is. Why do you keep saying you're better than her Islamically? Firstly, do you think it's fair for her to be considered inferior on an Islamic level by her husband? Secondly, do you want to marry someone who you think will bring you closer or further from Allah? 

[Guest Valor]

What do you mean her practice of religion does not match yours? 

Also, if you're interested, just get to know her. 

Peace,..

[Jibrael-e-Muhammadi]

On 9/17/2019 at 12:01 AM, Guest Brother77 said:

Any thoughts, comments, advice, advice to make her like me but keep things halal, or anything else would be appreciated on anything I've said. Thank you.

Probably you should ask her and if she says yes then VOILA otherwise find anyone who is appropriate to your life style. A man has to think by brain and not by feelings.

[Guest Brother77]

I appreciate the comments I've recieved, some of them were quite funny lol.

2 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

You knew of her "existence" 4-5 months ago? And? You thought she looks pretty she might be funny but there are 101 girls who you will find pretty and funny and know of her existence for over 5 months. 

You misread.

2 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

Also, you might say it's not arrogance but it is. Why do you keep saying you're better than her Islamically? Firstly, do you think it's fair for her to be considered inferior on an Islamic level by her husband? Secondly, do you want to marry someone who you think will bring you closer or further from Allah? 

What are you saying...If someone is considering someone for marriage they're obviously going to have to dicuss the potential spouse's religiousity, if religiousity is important for the person. No one is attacking the person's connection with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), we're simply just commenting on what's outwardly apparent to us. The girl could be way better than me religiously/spiritually. It's not about arrogance, it's about the need to verbalize what I think of her religiousity if I want to discuss and determine if this person is right for me based on my own religious practice and preferences. 

2 hours ago, Jannat786 said:

If it was a guy I did not know then yes I too would turn him down but OP is friends with this girl so it might get awkward if he directly approached her parents without asking her first. Her parents might also think that they were in a haram relationship if OP went up to her parents like "Assalamalaykum, I'm friends with your daughter and I want to marry her maybe". The girl might think of him as creepy if he went behind her back and did that and so it's best if he talks to her first, finds out if she's interested and also find out how best to approach her parents without giving off a wrong impression. 

Lol that's true, she might just be like what the heck.

2 hours ago, habib e najjaar said:

Does your financial status mean you are years away from being able to marry even if she does accept you? If that is the case, more reason to give yourself plenty of time to get over the crush and see if you still want to be with her forever once the hormones and reasoning faculties are back in full normal function.

Well I'm still studying and come from a normal 2-storey 3 bedroom house, 2 car family. Islam reccomends early marriage but if her family asks me about my career and income, I don't think it will look that nice if I tell them that I still have some years to study before getting a job and becoming well off financially. Eeverything is so competitive nowadays too, even a normal degree doesn't mean as much or get you as far anymore. You really have to grind your way towards dunyai success these days, the grinding becomes a full time job on its own. That deen-dunya balance really is a challenge.

Ughhh, early marriage is truly a dream and luxury that's probably best forgotten for the average guy nowadays.The one who gets to marry early is truly blessed. Unfortunately there's just too many barriers these days. People these days just want to see you materialistically set before giving you their daughter.

Perhaps it's time to just put a rock in the place of my heart and forget about her and girls and marriage in general for some time and just give myself my full and undivided attention. 

The advices given here have really helped, I feel that my faculty of reason and logic is re-opening again (it's because of the advices or it's because I haven't had any "bright" interaction with her for a while LOL), iA I stay sensible. 

I don't mean to interpret or comment on or misuse any hadith but this situation reminds me of that hadith in nahjul balagha, "a women is a scorpion whose grip is sweet".

[Jannat786]

32 minutes ago, Guest Brother77 said:

I appreciate the comments I've recieved, some of them were quite funny lol.

You misread.

What are you saying...If someone is considering someone for marriage they're obviously going to have to dicuss the potential spouse's religiousity, if religiousity is important for the person. No one is attacking the person's connection with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), we're simply just commenting on what's outwardly apparent to us. The girl could be way better than me religiously/spiritually. It's not about arrogance, it's about the need to verbalize what I think of her religiousity if I want to discuss and determine if this person is right for me based on my own religious practice and preferences. 

Lol that's true, she might just be like what the heck.

Well I'm still studying and come from a normal 2-storey 3 bedroom house, 2 car family. Islam reccomends early marriage but if her family asks me about my career and income, I don't think it will look that nice if I tell them that I still have some years to study before getting a job and becoming well off financially. Eeverything is so competitive nowadays too, even a normal degree doesn't mean as much or get you as far anymore. You really have to grind your way towards dunyai success these days, the grinding becomes a full time job on its own. That deen-dunya balance really is a challenge.

Ughhh, early marriage is truly a dream and luxury that's probably best forgotten for the average guy nowadays.The one who gets to marry early is truly blessed. Unfortunately there's just too many barriers these days. People these days just want to see you materialistically set before giving you their daughter.

Perhaps it's time to just put a rock in the place of my heart and forget about her and girls and marriage in general for some time and just give myself my full and undivided attention. 

The advices given here have really helped, I feel that my faculty of reason and logic is re-opening again (it's because of the advices or it's because I haven't had any "bright" interaction with her for a while LOL), iA I stay sensible. 

I don't mean to interpret or comment on or misuse any hadith but this situation reminds me of that hadith in nahjul balagha, "a women is a scorpion whose grip is sweet".

Unfortunately, that's how it is these days, we just have to deal with it I guess. Lolll, staying away for a while really restarts your brain, doesn't it? Don't despair though, who knows what the future holds, maybe you'll eventually end up with her or someone even better. When we're infatuated with someone we tend to think that that's it this is the best person to ever exist and I'll never find someone better than this! but remember that if Allah can create her then he can create others just like her and girls even better than her so don't worry and try to focus on pleasing Allah and InshAllah He will please you!

[habib e najjaar]

On 9/17/2019 at 8:15 AM, Jannat786 said:

I'm sorry you've had such experiences though, better luck next time eh?

Haha I eventually got married to someone who took the right route to approach me. We divorced 7 years later, but I still respect the fact that he took the right route 

[Jannat786]

3 minutes ago, habib e najjaar said:

Haha I eventually got married to someone who took the right route to approach me. We divorced 7 years later, but I still respect the fact that he took the right route 

Oh that sucks I guess but as long as you're happy! 

[Haji 2003]

This is a little bit like bidding to hold the Olympics isn't it?

There is some pressure to make a credible bid by having the right infrastructure in place, but at the same time the IOC will look kindly on future plans to building stadia. Perhaps her parents might look kindly on prospects rather than current status. Getting to know the family a bit better would give you some idea. This will also ensure that you do not go in with a silly bid, because not only will the bid get rejected but it may also compromise the chances of a future bid.

Of course the IOC has members who take bribes and in this instance the corollary would be trying to skew the field in your favour by trying to influence those close to her. She does not have any brothers by any chance? Or friends that you could get to know?

As you do this, you'll likely be better placed to draw her social network map, which would also give you insights into the sort of people she likes hanging around with and her interests, which would also be of use to evaluate whether you want to take matters further.

Of course you want to be subtle about this and not give the impression of being a weirdo.

As for my personal experience in these matters. 0. Nadda.

I only ever proposed to one person and that was a few days after seeing her in person for the first time and that was accepted.

[Quran313]

Talk to her about marriage and your feelings

[habib e najjaar]

7 minutes ago, Quran313 said:

Talk to her about marriage and your feelings

#creepalert

[Ashvazdanghe]

Salam recite al - Vadood الودود  

400 times daily for one week with intention of being loved with her 

https://youtu.be/jH6F1nSRees

[Pumpkin]

On 9/17/2019 at 1:11 AM, Soldiers and Saffron said:

Salam,

Sounds like infatuation, especially since you have only known her for 10 days in your whole life.

Do you know the difference between infatuation and love?

Infatuation is what you feel for a girl you barely know after 2 meetings, love is what your mother feels for you when you start to get depressed and fail at school/work because your infatuated with a girl you don’t know and its messing with your health.

I think you should talk to your parents and ask them to find you a suitable match for marriage, sounds like its the right time for you.

This post is on point. 

Don't let lust cloud your judgement in what you want in a wife because more important than you is how you're impressionable kids will be raised by said wife.

Also, don't judge other too harshly... Most people arent born perfect Muslims, a lot people grow in deen with time lol

[Guest PingPong]

Guest Fish_Head is amazing, so precise and so accurate.

I’ll add a bit more, although not to that scale of wisdom. 

Allah crosses our paths with people for a reason. Sometime they are our test, sometime we are their test, sometime Allah wants us to be connected with them, we just don’t know (not a leaf falls but He knows it).

I would not pass on this opportunity if she is Shia and your heart clicks on her to an extent. But do this, I know hard to do when you are in late teens, but next time you talk to her, talk to her as emotion-free as you can, sort of a big cousin-brother or something. Throw away all emotions, be as real You as possible, she deserves to know real you. When we come out as genuine people, others naturally respond in kind. This way, you would get to know real her. 

Once things get into a comrade-ire stage (which is not haram, because you are still meeting in the presence of other people, never break Islamic social hijab rules), you both would proceed to marriage talk (or not). You both won’t have regrets, no matter where it goes. 

Another thing, any sane parents of a marriage age daughter would not expect their to be son-in-law to be millionaire right out of college (or during it). If they are unreasonable in that way, they are not worth it to begin with. 

Another wonderful advice above somewhere, ask Allah to give her to you only if it’s best for you, otherwise ask Him to give you something better, actually make this dua’ for everything you ever ask Allah. 

[RepentantServant]

Lol brother you’re just hella infatuated right now.

Let me make one thing clear. You’re not the only guy she’s talking to. Girls have many options & many guys talking to them.

If a girl really wants you, she would make it known. 

In terms of texting & in person, just know that girls are one way in text, but can be different in person, especially hijabis lol. 

Also, if you really like her, she’s probably noticing all the things you’re doing to try & impress her. Girls know when a guy is trying & when he’s trying too hard. So she’s probably noticed all that you’re doing because again, girls know these things, & they probably have other guys doing the same things as you & trying to impress them as well or whatever. Hijabis are a total different ball game my friend.

Lastly, if you really like her, then just ask her to hang out or whatever (Halal intentions only of course). Be straight up with her. Don’t beat around the bush. Or you can just indirectly ask her if she even hangs out with guys, by saying something like ‘so do you hang out with guys or would baba get mad lol’. You’ll know what she’s down for by the answer she gives to that.

Anyhow, if you guys continue talking, just be chill. Be cool. Be a G. Try not to try so hard lol.

Take care & good luck

[hasanhh]

On ‎9‎/‎17‎/‎2019 at 1:01 AM, Guest Brother77 said:

Anyway, the arrow of her attraction has definitely pierced my heart. What am I, as a guy who tries to be religoius, supposed to do now?

Any thoughts, comments, advice,

The obvious:  

[83838]

Easy peasy.
Don't waste your time and energy. Don't be afraid. Just propose marriage. (This is what I have done, lol)
If she agrees, you still have 3 slots more. (I'm not saying that you should have many wifes or not, no one knows the future)
If she disagrees, she will know that you don't want to be bothered and move on so that the task can be done swiftly.

Edited September 19, 2019 by 000