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In the Name of God بسم الله
Abdullah Salam

PLEASE HELP. How to save my wife/marriage

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Walaikum as salam brother

If you don't have any kids it may be best to simply move on. Ultimately our aim is Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and not the love of any one woman. It might hurt at first but in the long term this might be best for you. 

If you do move on and find someone else be prepared to commit yourself fully to your new marriage for the sake of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) even if your previous companion returns and begs you to get back with her.

Quote

I have heard that if u ask Imam Hussein (عليه السلام) for anything for the sake of Zuqaina(عليه السلام) that he will respond in giving what you ask out of his love for her. I have asked Imam Hussein (عليه السلام)to ask Allah to grant me one last chance with my wife for the sake of Zuqaina (عليه السلام). I have even read that if we write our need in a letter to Imam Al-Mahdi and cast it into a body of water that the Imam will receive it and respond to your request. So......

It is best to avoid doing such things and to ask for dua in the way taught by the Qur'an and the ma'soomeen (عليه السلام) 

Wallahu a'lam 

Edited by Mahdavist

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First of all don't take the advice from us shiachatters so serious, since we can never know your situation 100% and most of our responses will be emotional based and majority of us are not even mature to take part in discussions like this.

But I would like to say some things.

This is a messed up story. What kind of wife tells her husband we are not married anymore I am going back to my ex? What kind of wife longs to sleep with non mahram men. What kind of wife........

She doesn't sound like a very good Muslim. A wife that can't respect the boundaries of marriage has no respect from me. That's disgusting behaviour.

There are minimum 3 billion women in the world. You can't find any other women more pious and more beautiful than her? What happened to us Shia, we beat our chest for our Imam and shout labayka ya Hussein and want to be servants of our Imam. Yet this is the behaviour we accept from our wives?

May Allah hasten the reappearance of our Imam, and may us all be saved from evil women like this.

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So brother this is a very sad situation here.... You are probably very hurt and heartbroken at the moment and the only thing which can cure heartbreak is time. It will get better brother don't worry. And one day believe me you'll wake up feeling at peace and you won't even remember how hurt you felt it will be OK...

4 hours ago, Abdullah Salam said:

So here I am 3 states away my wife will not return my calls she claims we were never married and that she is still married to her ex and that he is a Muslim again (he has clearly deceived her).

Brother I'm sorry to say this but first you must accept that she isn't coming back now.... OK? She wasn't the one for you. Over time you'll forget about her.... 

4 hours ago, Abdullah Salam said:

This woman is an AMAZING muslimah and if I lose her I REFUSE to EVER marry again

Well I said a similar thing.... And in the beginning it will really hurt to even think about any other girl but slowly slowly you'll get back into it again and when the time comes and you think that you're ready, there are special Dua's to ensure that you find a pious, kind woman, more on that when you're ready though... But as I said before it probably hurts a lot right now, it probably hurt to even read what I said above but it had to be said.... 

And finally, if she comes back don't let her back in, she clearly didn't love you because she hurt you so much but with the will of Allah you'll be OK..... And I can empathise brother, I know how it feels.... Take care... 

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1 hour ago, AkhiraisReal said:

What kind of wife longs to sleep with non mahram men.

What is wrong with you? How do you know what's going on in that woman's head? Shes no saint, but her ex is clearly a horrible person and there's no doubt that he's been manipulating and using her for his benefit. 

1 hour ago, AkhiraisReal said:

What happened to us Shia, we beat our chest for our Imam and shout labayka ya Hussein and want to be servants of our Imam

...yet you go around making disgusting claims about women you know nothing about. Keep your disgusting and misogynistic thoughts to yourself. 

As for the OP: you sound like a good man and all you can do is try to make sure that your wife isnt being manipulated by this guy. Let her family know and maybe even get an Imam involved. No one should hear their spouse tell them that they were never married and that they will return to their ex.  Just try and make sure she's not being manipulated and deceived and then move on. 

Edited by 2Timeless

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6 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

What is wrong with you? How do you know what's going on in that woman's head? Shes no saint, but her ex is clearly a horrible person and there's no doubt that he's been manipulating and using her for his benefit. 

...yet you go around making disgusting claims about women you know nothing about. Keep your disgusting and misogynistic thoughts to yourself. 

As for the OP: you sound like a good man and all you can do is try to make sure that your wife isnt being manipulated by this guy. Let her family know and maybe even get an Imam involved. No one should hear their spouse tell them that they were never married and that they will return to their ex.  Just try and make sure she's not being manipulated and deceived and then move on. 

Why are you showing rude attitude to @AkhiraisReal? And do YOU know what's going on in Everyones head? 

 

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Sorry to hear about your situation brother, I hope it gets better, I would also advise to to move on from her, even if she comes back, the trust between you two will never be the same again and thats not a good basis to build a family upon.

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I don't know your wife well enough to say this applies to your wife. But being in an abusive relationship with someone is sometimes like an addiction, the victim knows its bad but still stays and clings to hope, due to the few moments of niceness they experienced from their abuser that makes them believe that their abuser deep down loves them. The trauma from the months, years of abuse combined with possibly suffering severe abuse/trauma as a child and/or mental illness that could play a huge role in them staying and going back with them, sometimes requires therapy to heal... Not to mention many physical abusers are also emotional abusers (master manipulators and opressors) who will promise that they've changed once they realize their victim is succeeding in forgeting them.

My own best friend kept going back to her abuser, who emotionally and physically abused her, sent her nudes to all her family and friends to ruin her reputation and isolate her, and used her phone to send texts to guys to make her seem promiscuous and sent them to her family and friends again to ruin her reputation and isolate her, and even choked her until she passed out and she almost died. Her close relatives, her cousin, and I all tried to convince her again and again to leave him, but she keeps going back anyways. After months of listening to her problems, supporting her to leave and to go get counseling, and worrying myself sick, and her not leaving, I finally cut things off with her until she stays away from him for months without even talking to him...

Edited by Lilly14

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I don't know how you yourself would do this, but I think you should take a step back and take a breather so you can think straight. This woman has shown her true colors as a not so good person. She has no loyalty, abandoning you for a "shinier rock" without hesitation. She didn't even have any loyalty for him, marrying you as soon as she can after he was imprisoned. And for her to even consider a man like him raises all kinds of red flags.

11 hours ago, Abdullah Salam said:

She literally just changed overnight. I don’t know how or why this happened. The day before when we spoke everything was going to be ok. She said ahe loved me and we were ok. Then out of nowhere she hates me and wont speak to me.

I don't think she did change, I think those were her true feeling the entire time. 

I understand your pain, but please don't give her this much leverage over you. Don't be so desperate to have her back. You are better than her, she doesn't deserve you. And I'm not saying that just to make you feel better. A spouse is expected to be loyal and supportive in marriage, why would you want her back after she betrayed you like that? That's how I feel about the matter, but this is my only advice: There is a good chance that she will want to come back to you, most likely after her husband goes to prison again, or when she realizes that she's made a mistake. If this happens. do not take her back. Her actions let you know how she saw your relationship, as something like someone temporarily staying at a friend's guestroom while their house is being repaired. 

11 hours ago, Abdullah Salam said:

1. I have recited Dua'a Zalool

2. asked Imam Hussein (عليه السلام) for the sake of daughter Zuqaina

3. Written and called out to Imam Al-Mahdi

God is going to answer them, and take care of you, and what He has in mind as the best action may not be getting back with her. He might bring you a different woman who you'll love even more. For all we know, all of this could be a mercy from God, and he made you dodge a bullet by separating you two. I can guarantee you that that convert will not find happiness in a relationship with that kind of woman. And please read all of these messages again some time later, love warps our senses.

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4 hours ago, hasani said:

Why are you showing rude attitude to @AkhiraisReal? And do YOU know what's going on in Everyones head? 

 

How would you feel if some random guy accused your wife of "longing to sleep with non mahram men"? People's morals and respect for themselves just continues to degrade. 

The gheera that all of you always ramble about doesn't only apply to only your own sisters, mothers and wives. It applies to all women. A true man will have gheera over any of his sisters in humanity or Islam and will never talk ill of her in public and make such disgusting accusations. 

Edited by 2Timeless

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7 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

How would you feel if some random guy accused your wife of "longing to sleep with non mahram men"?

The girl literally left her husband for another man, who yes, was/is non mahram to her. Did she go to her ex without longing for him first?

Where is the "accusation" in this case exactly? Seems to be a statement summarizing what happened.

 

Gheera is not only related to women, gheera is related to all boundaries of God, you should have gheera for all of Gods boundaries, such as the boundaries that get overstepped when a married women leaves her husband while still married and goes to a non mahram. At least that is what the OP has explained.

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14 minutes ago, Soldiers and Saffron said:

The girl literally left her husband for another man, who yes, was/is non mahram to her. Did she go to her ex without longing for him first?

Her ex was literally incarcerated. I'm not defending her at all, and the OP should consider leaving her, but that doesn't mean he loses all sense of logic and compassion. For all we know, the girl could've been manipulated, deceived, or threatened by her ex to get back to him. There are a 101 possible reasons for her actions, even though they should never be condoned. Have people considered that she might fear her ex and that's why she complied to his demands to get back to him (eg)? Not everything is so black and white. While what she did was haram, that's only for Allah to judge because only He knows what's truly going on in her mind and what her circumstances really are. 

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27 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

While what she did was haram, that's only for Allah to judge because only He knows what's truly going on in her mind and what her circumstances really are. 

That is true that only God knows the full story but like you said, it was haram and when it comes to moral its not always black/white but when it comes to haram or halal, it is in fact either haram or halal.

This was haram.

 

I understand your point though, honestly spoken it is hard to say anything about any situation presented here as we only hear one side of the stories every time.

Edited by Soldiers and Saffron

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Salam...

To @Abdullah Salam

You are so much in love with your "wife" and possibly get so much peaceful of heart when with her.  Therefore, missing her will be end of road for you.  You have been intoxicated with love to her!  Similar to Hindustani movies.

Just ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and shafaat of Ahlul Bayt to have patience descends into your heart.  Meaning that currently you cannot go through the pain of missing her, but with that patience you can.  Just like taking strong pain killer when you suffer pain on your lower back.  There is pain but you won't feel it.

You need this patience until you are able to clear up your mind and to understand that love to a woman has a limit.  And you also has limitation to control events and people.  You need this patience until you can surrender your fate to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).  Let Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) decide.  Hold on to Him (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

We pray that sooner or later you will understand why and what actually occured between you, your wife and the other person.  It may take years.  At present, the communication with your wife is cut off.  But not with Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

And move on with trust in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

 

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We must judge the actions of a person. 

If she loves you and shows you respect and has changed you bla bla bla = Her actions show that she is willing to sleep with another man. 

The above 2 don’t make sense. Always equates words with actions. Her actions show absolute disgusting behaviour. I have been in your position, move on. You will find something far better. Trust me. 

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20 hours ago, Abdullah Salam said:

Assalamu Alaikum.

There is a story before my question but I REALLY need your help PLEASE give me ANY advice you may have.

My brothers/sisters I am having a VERY VERY rough time in my marriage. My wife and I recently moved a few states away. I had to return to our state of origin for a week or 2 to straighten some things out. When I told my wife I was going to be home soon she told me "do not come back. I don’t want you anymore we are done and Im going back to my ex". She WAS married to a brother who only cconverted to be with her and then refused to pray, shaved his beard and beat her. He went to jail for beating her. While he was incarcerated she informed him that because his actions clearly showed he wasn't a Muslim (not praying, shaving the beard, beating her, doing drugs) that their marriage wasnt valid and ahe was moving on. After 3 month waiting period her and I were married by contract we BOTH signed. 

Waalaykumsalaam,

I read your entire post a few times and I would like to first and foremost say that I'm not married so I may not understand what you're going through exactly but these are some of my thoughts and some advice on the matter. Your wife was physically and emotionally abused and that's not something you get over within 3 months. Unfortunately, what this sounds like is that she used you as a rebound (for lack of a better word), people who through such abuse usually crave attention and reassurance and instead of speaking to a therapist or getting medical assistance she got married to you so that she can regain some sense of self worth. It also sounds like your wife is being manipulated by her ex, abusers will generally get back in your life in order to destroy it the moment they find out you're happy. 

20 hours ago, Abdullah Salam said:

So here I am 3 states away my wife will not return my calls she claims we were never married and that she is still married to her ex and that he is a Muslim again (he has clearly deceived her). She was put out of the room we were renting and is currently in a homeless shelter with her children. I am TRYONG to contact her to send money and I am trying ro make it right but I can’t even get in contact with her. 

I'm guessing by your use of pronouns "her children" that those kids are not yours but are from her first husband, if so, then she must be an even easier target for emotional manipulation by her ex. Again, there may be the possibility that she may not be manipulated by her ex at all and maybe she was just biding her time and was consciously aware of what she was going to put you through when she left to get back with her ex, if so, then I'm sorry to say that you're better off without such a woman. It'll hurt at first but with time you will get over it. HOWEVER, if she is being manipulated you need to make sure she gets proper therapy and help before she ruins her and her children's lives again. 

20 hours ago, Abdullah Salam said:

Her knowledge and wisdom are vast she has up until now been sooooo extremely supportive and has helped to make me a much better man and Muslim. She literally just changed overnight. I don’t know how or why this happened. The day before when we spoke everything was going to be ok. She said ahe loved me and we were ok. Then out of nowhere she hates me and wont speak to me. I LOVE MY WIFE SO MUCH. My heart is so broken. 

If she changed overnight so quick then it's quite suspicious as manipulation by her ex would take a while for her to make such a big decision of leaving you so I'm guessing that maybe she was aware of what she was doing and did out of her own free will and that she was putting up an act and being fake. I understand that you're in love with her and that tends to make us overlook when the person treats us poorly but please use this time away to bring some clarity into your thoughts and think about how much pain she is causing you. Even if she is being manipulated it'll still be hard to get back with a person who is so easily manipulated and who is emotionally unstable. Your wife needs therapy and medical attention so she can make a proper decision for herself.

20 hours ago, Abdullah Salam said:

PLEASE are there ANY dua'a I can make? Is there ANYTHING I can do to get my wife back to remain her husband. I have prayed to Allah in the manner the companions of the cave did when the rock block their way out (asking in the name of a righteous act I did PURELY for Allah), I have heard that if u ask Imam Hussein (عليه السلام) for anything for the sake of Zuqaina(عليه السلام) that he will respond in giving what you ask out of his love for her. I have asked Imam Hussein (عليه السلام)to ask Allah to grant me one last chance with my wife for the sake of Zuqaina (عليه السلام). I have even read that if we write our need in a letter to Imam Al-Mahdi and cast it into a body of water that the Imam will receive it and respond to your request. So......

1. I have recited Dua'a Zalool

2. asked Imam Hussein (عليه السلام) for the sake of daughter Zuqaina

3. Written and called out to Imam Al-Mahdi

MY QUESTION- Is there ANYTHING else I can do? Are there ANY dua'a that will help me get just 1 more chance (thats all I need)? Is there anyone I can call on? Anythong I can say or ask for? Any action I can take. This woman is an AMAZING muslimah and if I lose her I REFUSE to EVER marry again (I'm only 34). I love her so much. Can you PLEASE make dua'a for me (Abdullah) and my wife (Nikema). She was even willing to go to Iran with me. When I met her she was Sunni but accepted the Ahl al-Bayt (عليه السلام) IMMEDIATELY when I taught her about them. She is a newer shahada only about a year old. Could you please make dua'a and offer ANY advice or help? Thank you so much. Assalamu Alaikum.

You keep saying she's an amazing muslimah but being a good Muslim is not only about having knowledge and praying and fasting, it's about implementing that knowledge and having some emotional intelligence and understanding how your actions and words could impact others and hurt them. I'm not saying your wife is a bad person, I'm just saying that she's been through a lot and is not in the right frame of mind, she needs time to recover from her traumatic experiences. If it's meant to be it will be but always remember that if Allah can create her then He can create others like her and others even better than her. I pray that Allah helps you get through this and I pray your wife gets out of the emotional and mental turmoil she is in right now. Pray a 2 rakat namaaz sincerely asking Allah to guide you in the right direction. 

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On 9/16/2019 at 7:24 PM, Abdullah Salam said:

Assalamu Alaikum.

There is a story before my question but I REALLY need your help PLEASE give me ANY advice you may have.

 

Salam recite al - Vadood الودود  

400 times daily for one week with intention of being loved with her 

https://youtu.be/jH6F1nSRees

 

Edited by Ashvazdanghe

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On 9/17/2019 at 2:41 AM, 2Timeless said:

How would you feel if some random guy accused your wife of "longing to sleep with non mahram men"? People's morals and respect for themselves just continues to degrade. 

Good job at derailing the thread. It's clear you think you know every bit about people. 

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