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In the Name of God بسم الله

Family wants me to marry but I can’t

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Al salamu aleikum brothers and sisters, 

I am male, 19 and live in a western country. 

Ever since I have become 16 my family father and my grandmother started to try to get me married. Now it hit a new level tho. My family threatened to not let me go to university if I don't get married. I can understand that they are worried about me and that they just want to protect me from sinning, which is a reasonable thing to do. Especially in a western society where all the women are half naked etc. But my problem is that I personally don't feel like I am in a position to marry. I suffer from depression and have been involuntarly hospitalized in the past. But my parents act like it never happened. I also suffer from social anxiety, low self esteem and I  also have trust issues. Also I'm not happy with my current life situation and want to make big changes before I consider marriage. (like working out, improving my mental health, earning money and start studying ) 

But my parents are very stubborn or strict about it. Also it feels kind wierd to just ask for the hand of someone you don't really know. Especially in western society. 

And yes I do sometimes feel lonely or get certain urges but I have learned to suppress them. 

Its not about me being against the concept of marriage but rather me not feeling ready for it. I have tried to make this clearer to my parents but to them it's just some random excuse. 

Can anyone help me with this situation. 

Anyone have an idea of what to do or to say to my parents. Am I even in the right or should I just oblige to my parents will? I'm really not sure what to do anymore. 

Thanks in advance <3

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22 hours ago, MM:) said:

Al salamu aleikum brothers and sisters, 

I am male, 19 and live in a western country. 

Ever since I have become 16 my family father and my grandmother started to try to get me married. Now it hit a new level tho. My family threatened to not let me go to university if I don't get married. I can understand that they are worried about me and that they just want to protect me from sinning, which is a reasonable thing to do. Especially in a western society where all the women are half naked etc. But my problem is that I personally don't feel like I am in a position to marry. I suffer from depression and have been involuntarly hospitalized in the past. But my parents act like it never happened. I also suffer from social anxiety, low self esteem and I  also have trust issues. Also I'm not happy with my current life situation and want to make big changes before I consider marriage. (like working out, improving my mental health, earning money and start studying ) 

But my parents are very stubborn or strict about it. Also it feels kind wierd to just ask for the hand of someone you don't really know. Especially in western society. 

And yes I do sometimes feel lonely or get certain urges but I have learned to suppress them. 

Its not about me being against the concept of marriage but rather me not feeling ready for it. I have tried to make this clearer to my parents but to them it's just some random excuse. 

Can anyone help me with this situation. 

Anyone have an idea of what to do or to say to my parents. Am I even in the right or should I just oblige to my parents will? I'm really not sure what to do anymore. 

Thanks in advance <3

Perhaps you talk to your parents about your problems first, lack of communication here seems to be an underlying issue. Be vocal about what you are going through, ask them to take you for professional guidance(if your parents are one of those that shrug off mental issues, I feel sorry for you mate).

Tell them that you would agree to their idea of marriage after you seek help. Maybe they lowkey know your mental state and for them they see marriage as a means to help you go through things, maybe its just that they don't want you to go astray, only God knows.

In the end try to go for a mutah which would able you to communicate with your spouse, inshallah that might help as well rather jump into a nikah.

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5 hours ago, MM:) said:

But my problem is that I personally don't feel like I am in a position to marry. I suffer from depression and have been involuntarly hospitalized in the past. But my parents act like it never happened.

:salam:

Brother, do you think this might be a reason for your parents wanting you to marry, so you can have someone taking care of you ?

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12 hours ago, AkhiraisReal said:

We have people coming to shiachat complaining about not being able to marry sooner, and then we have people saying they want to marry later.

I know. And I wish them all the best of luck and Allah's (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) help and guidance to find  suitable spouses. In my case tho I am afraid that a marriage would be a burden for me and for the person I marry. 

12 hours ago, Panzerwaffe said:

Marry now for their sake and then marry again when you are set in your field 

Why is this even a dilemma for you ?

I come from a background where divorce is seen as something very shameful and it's only acceptable if the spouse is a bad person or an unbearable to have as a partner. Also I don't think that a second wife will make my situation any better. My problem isnt about who I marry. It's rare that I don't feel ready for it. 

PS: I like you username XD 

11 hours ago, Guest face said:

just get married dude, Islam recommends it as soon as possible

Yes that may be the case for a healthy person. But my lack of mental health and especially my trust issues could affect a potential relationship very severely. 

11 hours ago, Ruqaya101 said:

Maybe you should think very clearly before asking certain and a somehow very  stupid question like that. 

If he’s not happy in their marriage, he won’t be able to make his wife happy. Depression and trust issues aren’t some pass by. They can impact a marriage severely. 

And also, this isn’t acceptable in many families, I assume, his included. Secondly, if he were to do that, he will need to make it clear to the girl he marries, this is her life in the marriage too and she’d have a right to know that she will be getting divorced.

Hm, I personally believe you should maybe just try and think of the cons and pros of the marriage, before coming to a conclusion. Make dua and ask for Allah swts guidance. If it’s still a no from your side, then have a sit down with your family and be able to try and deliver your message clearly so they’re able to understand the risks and your health.

Other than that, I pray you find your answers and I’m hoping you’re support system is strong and stable to help you with your depression, and anxiety. And Allah knows best.

Thank you for your answer. I have been thinking about the pros and cons of marriage for a long time an I feel like the cons outweigh the pros in my situation. But my parents persist that I should get married. And I don't know anymore what to think. That's why I'm here. 

10 hours ago, realizm said:

:salam:

Brother, do you think this might be a reason for your parents wanting you to marry, so you can have someone taking care of you ?

Even if the benefits of marriage would outweigh the cons. I would highly doubt that I will be able to find a spouse that is able and willing to cope with my flaws and issues. 

Never the less I'd like to thank you all for your responses so far :)

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7 hours ago, MM:) said:

I would highly doubt that I will be able to find a spouse that is able and willing to cope with my flaws and issues.

I highly doubt that, especially if youre in a westernised country. Many youthful women don’t go for the physical appearance, they go in and accept all the flaws that come with it. No one goes into a marriage thinking it will be perfect or easy, and many have the flaws and issues you deal with. Women know and as do men, that marriage is a responsibility. Its not some fun and games or a good time.

Have faith brother.

Also don’t mind me asking, but where do you reside?

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6 hours ago, Ruqaya101 said:

I highly doubt that, especially if youre in a westernised country. Many youthful women don’t go for the physical appearance, they go in and accept all the flaws that come with it. No one goes into a marriage thinking it will be perfect or easy, and many have the flaws and issues you deal with. Women know and as do men, that marriage is a responsibility. Its not some fun and games or a good time.

Have faith brother.

Also don’t mind me asking, but where do you reside?

I hope you are right. But as far as I have witnessed quite the opposite is the case. But you never know. Maby was just unlucky and I have just seen the bad cases. 

I am from Hamburg, a city in the northern part of Germany. 

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13 hours ago, Panzerwaffe said:

Marry now for their sake and then marry again when you are set in your field 

Why is this even a dilemma for you ?

The fact that this comment even got approved is baffling!!! Your comment is wrong because he can’t get married to someone he doesnt want to,she shouldnt be the one who is responsible in taking care of him or fixing him,if he is depressed then it can really impact the person he marries because obviously unoblivious to you everyone marries with the expectation of being in a happy family. And if he is depressed then being married may make things worse.what he needs to handle right now is his mental health.not have extra responsibilites. Second the other comment marry again,what you intend he divorce or get a second wife??again youre assuming this wont happen without trauma for him or his wife or their families??you think theyll agree to a divorce?you think she'll be happy with a second wife??

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Listen brother I am so sorry this is happening to you,your parents cannot force you to get married to who you don’t want to. That is an Islamic law.And it is your decision whenever you are ready. could you try to seek independence? Basically earn to stay by yourself and be free from your parents so they don’t make life decisions for you. Second of all ,yes take care of yourself. Get things ready ,have a good life take all decisions to make yourself better and don’t worry if you marry much later. Heck for men ,even if youre 45 you can still a good young good looking wife masha'Allah ,and don’t let other peoples timelines rush you in your life. As long as you nobody else but you are in a good position then feel free to marry. Right now you may need a good Islamic scholar who can understand your situation completely and help support you in putting your foot down in front of your parents. Cuz if youre not happy right now,or you havent had your life ,priorities or things organized,then your marriage may not be happy and you may end up contemplating divorce quickly or be miserable. I have heard some reddit stories of arranged marriage like yours,  married ,now is unhappy but stuck with two kids. Want to leave but don’t know how,just staying for the kids,no don’t live THAT life.As a young man seek your independence and get out and live your own life. Either that or put your foot down and argue hopefully with sincerity that this is NOT the decision you are going to take. Secondly call Islamic or general helplines that have counselors who can help solve your problem. One I know is naseeha.org I believe, it is called naseeha Muslim youth helpline,please visit their website for contact info.don’t trust what shiachatter always say because they are still laymen. They are not expert counselors or experienced and friendly open minded scholars who can help you. Honestly imagine if a woman was facing this crisis of getting forcibly married,apparently then it would be a crime ,but for man ,its not?? Unbelieveable.JazakAllah khair. 

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3 hours ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

Can a Muslim marry a non-Muslim ?

 

Unfortunately I don't have time to go through this. By reading the title I am not sure if you have understood my problem. Is there anything relevant for my question in it? And if yes can you please give me the time stamp. 

Now concerning the question if a man can marry a non Muslim woman. I think that everybody should follow his marji's ruling. 

Fo example I am Sistani and his ruling is that it is allowed to marry ahlul kitab women in a temporary marriage but only if you aren't married to a Muslim women. Or at least that is what I remember. I don't want to be responsible for spreading any misinformation. So do you own research. 

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6 hours ago, Guest Smiles said:

The fact that this comment even got approved is baffling!!!

Registered members' comments don't need approval. But they can be hidden if there is a valid complaint.

 

23 hours ago, MM:) said:

I suffer from depression and have been involuntarly hospitalized in the past.

You've been sectioned*? If this is the case, then I think marriage etc. would be very problematic insofar as someone who is committed for such a reason could be a physical danger to others As I understand it, (as a layperson).

*This has a specific meaning in the United Kingdom: British commit (someone) compulsorily to a psychiatric hospital in accordance with a section of a mental health act:

Edited by Haji 2003
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7 hours ago, MM:) said:

my case tho I am afraid that a marriage would be a burden for me and for the person I marry.

As long as you're upfront and honest from the beginning, you wouldnt be a burden. In fact, many women would empathise with you because they'd also have been through something similar. Many young people (Muslim women and others alike) suffer from depression and many other mental illnesses. Even the perfect girl you see has her own issues. No one is completely happy and no one has everything they want. A good woman will want to solve both of your issues together and get healthier together. If a potential spouse views you as a burden or expresses that in any way, be thankful that she showed that face so you can be rid of her. The Imams taught us to be kind and compassionate and any God fearing woman would want to help you. Have you had therapy before? Perhaps what could be attributing to your depression is loneliness? Of course, don’t marry for the sake of healing your past wounds, but if you find a woman who ticks most of your boxes, consider marrying her. 

Also, you keep mentioning trust issues. I don’t know what caused you to have those trust issues but maybe you should delve into them and solve those issues? 

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51 minutes ago, Haji 2003 said:

Registered members' comments don't need approval. But they can be hidden if there is a valid complaint.

You've been sectioned*? If this is the case, then I think marriage etc. would be very problematic insofar as someone who is committed for such a reason could be a physical danger to others As I understand it, (as a layperson).

*This has a specific meaning in the United Kingdom: British commit (someone) compulsorily to a psychiatric hospital in accordance with a section of a mental health act:

No I was hospitalised bc the doctors feared that I might commit suicide 

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56 minutes ago, MM:) said:

Unfortunately I don't have time to go through this. By reading the title I am not sure if you have understood my problem. Is there anything relevant for my question in it? And if yes can you please give me the time stamp. 

Now concerning the question if a man can marry a non Muslim woman. I think that everybody should follow his marji's ruling. 

Fo example I am Sistani and his ruling is that it is allowed to marry ahlul kitab women in a temporary marriage but only if you aren't married to a Muslim women. Or at least that is what I remember. I don't want to be responsible for spreading any misinformation. So do you own research. 

have you read my comment? 

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18 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

As long as you're upfront and honest from the beginning, you wouldnt be a burden. In fact, many women would empathise with you because they'd also have been through something similar. Many young people (Muslim women and others alike) suffer from depression and many other mental illnesses. Even the perfect girl you see has her own issues. No one is completely happy and no one has everything they want. A good woman will want to solve both of your issues together and get healthier together. If a potential spouse views you as a burden or expresses that in any way, be thankful that she showed that face so you can be rid of her. The Imams taught us to be kind and compassionate and any God fearing woman would want to help you. Have you had therapy before? Perhaps what could be attributing to your depression is loneliness? Of course, don’t marry for the sake of healing your past wounds, but if you find a woman who ticks most of your boxes, consider marrying her. 

Also, you keep mentioning trust issues. I don’t know what caused you to have those trust issues but maybe you should delve into them and solve those issues? 

I have been in therapy multiple times but nothing has changed so far. 

Now concerning the trust issue. Even if I don't have them... How should I just trust a total stranger. A woman I have never met before. How long do I need to get to know her to know if I want to marry her? How can I decide that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? And isn't it weird to ask for the hand of a total stranger? And asking for a someones hand and getting to know someone forces you to be in a social situation which is really nerve-racking if you have social anxiety. I feel uncomfortable being with friends. Let alone being in a new situation especially when they are of such importance for the rest of your life. Only writing this makes me feel anxious let alone beings in such a situation. 

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Salam brother,

Are your parents wanting you to get married immediately or maybe they just want you guys to start getting to know eachother for the purpose of marriage?

I ask this because sometimes depression can be due to loneliness, maybe lack of friends and such. So maybe they see that if you had a partner it may help with the depression.

Allah, the Prophet and Ahlul-bayt always encourage us to be loyal and obey our parents. Sometimes there are things they see which we haven't even thought of. I would have a sit down with them and tell them how you feel but at the same time suggest to them that you are willing to get to know her first, nothing set and stone. Just to see if, who knows maybe it will help your situation and you might find yourself actually wanting to marry her. But, do make it clear to your parents that if after getting to know her, you don't want to move on with it, then they should respect your view as well.

May Allah make it easy for us all.

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On 9/8/2019 at 11:33 AM, Guest Okay then said:

Listen brother I am so sorry this is happening to you,your parents cannot force you to get married to who you don’t want to. That is an Islamic law.And it is your decision whenever you are ready. could you try to seek independence? Basically earn to stay by yourself and be free from your parents so they don’t make life decisions for you. Second of all ,yes take care of yourself. Get things ready ,have a good life take all decisions to make yourself better and don’t worry if you marry much later. Heck for men ,even if youre 45 you can still a good young good looking wife masha'Allah ,and don’t let other peoples timelines rush you in your life. As long as you nobody else but you are in a good position then feel free to marry. Right now you may need a good Islamic scholar who can understand your situation completely and help support you in putting your foot down in front of your parents. Cuz if youre not happy right now,or you havent had your life ,priorities or things organized,then your marriage may not be happy and you may end up contemplating divorce quickly or be miserable. I have heard some reddit stories of arranged marriage like yours,  married ,now is unhappy but stuck with two kids. Want to leave but don’t know how,just staying for the kids,no don’t live THAT life.As a young man seek your independence and get out and live your own life. Either that or put your foot down and argue hopefully with sincerity that this is NOT the decision you are going to take. Secondly call Islamic or general helplines that have counselors who can help solve your problem. One I know is naseeha.org I believe, it is called naseeha Muslim youth helpline,please visit their website for contact info.don’t trust what shiachatter always say because they are still laymen. They are not expert counselors or experienced and friendly open minded scholars who can help you. Honestly imagine if a woman was facing this crisis of getting forcibly married,apparently then it would be a crime ,but for man ,its not?? Unbelieveable.JazakAllah khair. 

I know they can't physically force me to marry and that I could just walk away from my parents and do my own thing. But this would be without my parents blessing. I want them to be proud of me. The funny thing about them not letting me go to university is that I only want to go there to please them. As a matter of fact I always wanted to become a police investigator. But I know that my parents would not approve of that so I wanted to go to uni to make them happy and proud of me. So just disobedience is not an option for me. Then there are only two options left. Either marriage or convincing them that it's not the best thing for my current situation. So far no argument that I have brought up convinced them. But maby you guys have better arguments, or some advice for me. Or maybe you can explain me if and why I am wrong or right because I don't know what to do or to say anymore. 

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On 9/8/2019 at 6:51 PM, smiiley001 said:

So is it that any women from ahlul-kitab that do not believe in the Prophet Muhammad, eat pork and drink alcohol, they cannot be married by a Muslim man either in mutah or permanent marriage?

This doesn't make sense bc if they are ahlul kitab they believe that there is only one God and if they also believe that Mohammed is a Prophet of God that that is basically tashahud wich makes them Muslim and not ahlul kitab. So instead of getting your answers from a yt video just ask a mujtahid

On 9/8/2019 at 6:45 PM, smiiley001 said:

Salam brother,

Are your parents wanting you to get married immediately or maybe they just want you guys to start getting to know eachother for the purpose of marriage?

I ask this because sometimes depression can be due to loneliness, maybe lack of friends and such. So maybe they see that if you had a partner it may help with the depression.

Allah, the Prophet and Ahlul-bayt always encourage us to be loyal and obey our parents. Sometimes there are things they see which we haven't even thought of. I would have a sit down with them and tell them how you feel but at the same time suggest to them that you are willing to get to know her first, nothing set and stone. Just to see if, who knows maybe it will help your situation and you might find yourself actually wanting to marry her. But, do make it clear to your parents that if after getting to know her, you don't want to move on with it, then they should respect your view as well.

May Allah make it easy for us all.

Even if marriage was the right thing for me and could cure my depression, low self esteem etc. and I'd agree to marry. Then I would still have the problem of my social anxiety which would prevent me from getting to know the girl and my trust issues wich would prevent me trusting her enough to marry her. 

And now imagine being married to someone who doesn't trust you on top of  him having other mental health issues and not being attractive. I don't think that I could do this to someone else. My depression would probably just drag her mood down anyway. 

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10 hours ago, smiiley001 said:

So is it that any women from ahlul-kitab that do not believe in the Prophet Muhammad, eat pork and drink alcohol, they cannot be married by a Muslim man either in mutah or permanent marriage?

Salam if they eat pork & drink alcohol so they maybe unclean to touch by a Muslim man but you can still live with her as a partner & if she believes to Prophet Muhammad (pbu) automatically she will be a muslimaha even she doesn't say Shahada.

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21 hours ago, Ruqaya101 said:

I highly doubt that, especially if youre in a westernised country. Many youthful women don’t go for the physical appearance, they go in and accept all the flaws that come with it. No one goes into a marriage thinking it will be perfect or easy, and many have the flaws and issues you deal with. Women know and as do men, that marriage is a responsibility. Its not some fun and games or a good time.

Have faith brother.

Also don’t mind me asking, but where do you reside?

 

13 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

As long as you're upfront and honest from the beginning, you wouldnt be a burden. In fact, many women would empathise with you because they'd also have been through something similar. Many young people (Muslim women and others alike) suffer from depression and many other mental illnesses. Even the perfect girl you see has her own issues. No one is completely happy and no one has everything they want. A good woman will want to solve both of your issues together and get healthier together. If a potential spouse views you as a burden or expresses that in any way, be thankful that she showed that face so you can be rid of her. The Imams taught us to be kind and compassionate and any God fearing woman would want to help you. Have you had therapy before? Perhaps what could be attributing to your depression is loneliness? Of course, don’t marry for the sake of healing your past wounds, but if you find a woman who ticks most of your boxes, consider marrying her. 

Also, you keep mentioning trust issues. I don’t know what caused you to have those trust issues but maybe you should delve into them and solve those issues? 

I felt like these comments really allowed me to grow in my perceptions of women nowadays, thanks for sharing. Wow, you guys can be so kind huh! MashaAllah. 

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On 9/8/2019 at 7:01 AM, MM:) said:

Al salamu aleikum brothers and sisters, 

I am male, 19 and live in a western country. 

Ever since I have become 16 my family father and my grandmother started to try to get me married. Now it hit a new level tho. My family threatened to not let me go to university if I don't get married. I can understand that they are worried about me and that they just want to protect me from sinning, which is a reasonable thing to do. Especially in a western society where all the women are half naked etc. But my problem is that I personally don't feel like I am in a position to marry. I suffer from depression and have been involuntarly hospitalized in the past. But my parents act like it never happened. I also suffer from social anxiety, low self esteem and I  also have trust issues. Also I'm not happy with my current life situation and want to make big changes before I consider marriage. (like working out, improving my mental health, earning money and start studying ) 

But my parents are very stubborn or strict about it. Also it feels kind wierd to just ask for the hand of someone you don't really know. Especially in western society. 

And yes I do sometimes feel lonely or get certain urges but I have learned to suppress them. 

Its not about me being against the concept of marriage but rather me not feeling ready for it. I have tried to make this clearer to my parents but to them it's just some random excuse. 

Can anyone help me with this situation. 

Anyone have an idea of what to do or to say to my parents. Am I even in the right or should I just oblige to my parents will? I'm really not sure what to do anymore. 

Thanks in advance <3

I realised that communication is the most important thing when it comes to family, from experience the more you disclose from them the more strict they actually become. 

You need to open up to them more about it. Tell them you're not ready, and ask them how are you going to look after your wife and fulfill her needs if your life is still unstable? How will she be happy if you're not able to support her financially, especially when you end up getting kids? 

Your parents can't force you to get married either, because its against Islam anyway, so you should also make that clear to them. 

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4 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

I realised that communication is the most important thing when it comes to family, from experience the more you disclose from them the more strict they actually become. 

You need to open up to them more about it. Tell them you're not ready, and ask them how are you going to look after your wife and fulfill her needs if your life is still unstable? How will she be happy if you're not able to support her financially, especially when you end up getting kids? 

Your parents can't force you to get married either, because its against Islam anyway, so you should also make that clear to them. 

Well... That's the first thing I have told them but they don't care. Otherwise I wouldn't have asked you guys. 

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do this.

You are a man act like one. Meaning it is part of nature for you two find a woman and live life. Consider that these days and also your environment, individuals are having relationships, you may end up getting old and not having the choices as when you are young. Unless you are lucky and surrounded by females you can pick from. considering you are on ShiaChat, that tells me that is a NO.

Tell your parents you want to meet like 50 girls then decide which one you like. By the 50th one you should have the confidence and the idea of what you may want. This should take a year or more. By then you should have build that superman body of yours and improved on your confidence and wear tight shirts with skinny jeans that stop your legs from moving with that super cool hair style with a trimmed beard looking like every other guy on the street

. If you end up finding one, decide on rules such as when you want a child etc. Read about relationship and what matters blah blah.

Now I know women here will complain that it is not right, do not listen to them. That is advice of women projecting their insecurities yet , they are more then happy to do the same.

Marriage can go two ways. It can work or it can fail. It can work if both decide to self educate and grow up, it can fail if both or one decides to stay as a child.

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15 hours ago, MM:) said:

I have been in therapy multiple times but nothing has changed so far. 

Now concerning the trust issue. Even if I don't have them... How should I just trust a total stranger. A woman I have never met before. How long do I need to get to know her to know if I want to marry her? How can I decide that this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with? And isn't it weird to ask for the hand of a total stranger? And asking for a someones hand and getting to know someone forces you to be in a social situation which is really nerve-racking if you have social anxiety. I feel uncomfortable being with friends. Let alone being in a new situation especially when they are of such importance for the rest of your life. Only writing this makes me feel anxious let alone beings in such a situation. 

Many, many (if not all) young women have the same fears and anxieties as you. We're all on the same boat. Maybe your anxieties with regard to marriage are a bit greater, but everyone has the same worries nonetheless. I think the only way you can get over that is by actually talking to the girl and asking her questions about things that mean something to you. You could even make a list, of all the things you value, and all your opinions on some key, controversial issues, and ask her about her opinion on those things. That way, you'd get to know what kind of person she is, what her priorities are etc and it would be slightly more professional and productive instead of just random chatter with the opposite sex. Obviously you'd have to do all that with the knowledge and permission of her parents. 

I think you're very anxious because you don’t seem to have much knowledge about the opposite gender. While its refreshing for a young man to think that all girls are perfect and don’t have any issues themselves (lol) we actually all have imperfections and many flaws. And your own future wife might actually be thinking "what guy will accept me, a girl who's suffering from issues X, Y and Z". 

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