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In the Name of God بسم الله

Husband likes to masturbate

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Salam

I'd like to get an opionion if it's the norm that a husband chooses to masturbate and watch porn as it makes him feel good. Why he chooses to do this if he's married ? He is aware it's haram but doesn't think it hurts anyone so not a problem doing it.

I'd like to know do alot of men who are married do this ? Is this something that is happening in marriages that is widespread and noone talks about it? 

Does the man have the right to do this if for what ever reason his wife does not give him what he needs when he needs it? Or is it still wrong ? Has a wife got the right to ask him to stop this behaviour ? And if he does not, what can she do?

Thank you

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I don't like to judge people, but that's disgusting behavior to be honest.

He rather have sex with his hand than to have sex with his wife. There might be some problem in either wife or husband or both.

It's haram and it damages both partners.  Watching porn will change the brain of your husband thinking of sex and woman differently, the way shaytan want us to think of them. It's damaging for both partners because of the expected standards on the partner, which is all fake. Not to mention it's addicting and strong as drugs that is classified illegal.

it's one of the strongest drug that no one talks about, I can't understand how such a thing is still legal. Well this is the system of shaytan so welcome to his world....... Where what's good for you is illegal and whats bad for you legal. Within some few years sex between wife and husband might even become illegal to protect the society from some kinds of unknown disease......

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On 9/7/2019 at 5:01 PM, Aliya 16 said:

Salam

I'd like to get an opionion if it's the norm that a husband chooses to masturbate and watch porn as it makes him feel good. Why he chooses to do this if he's married ? He is aware it's haram but doesn't think it hurts anyone so not a problem doing it.

I'd like to know do alot of men who are married do this ? Is this something that is happening in marriages that is widespread and noone talks about it? 

Does the man have the right to do this if for what ever reason his wife does not give him what he needs when he needs it? Or is it still wrong ? Has a wife got the right to ask him to stop this behaviour ? And if he does not, what can she do?

Thank you

Masturbation is absolutely haram in any circumstance and you’re husband has to stop if he thinks it has no harm physically then try and explain to him how sins actually alter and deform our souls.

When and why did he start doing this?

Do you not make yourself available or he just prefers it?

Maybe he feels like sleeping together has gotten boring or dull, try introducing something that might turn him on and attract him towards you.

Here is a very interesting talk about this topic that might help you

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On 9/7/2019 at 11:01 PM, Aliya 16 said:

Does the man have the right to do this if for what ever reason his wife does not give him what he needs when he needs it? Or is it still wrong ? Has a wife got the right to ask him to stop this behaviour ? And if he does not, what can she do?

Yes this is absolutely haraam and not acceptable under any circumstance, that's why teens have a hard time with desires and urges... 

But it's the husbands duty to satisfy his wife's needs and it's the wife's duty to satisfy her husband's needs... 

An important merit of marriage is legitimate sexual pleasure and gratification. Sexual acts bring about one of the highest of worldly pleasures and, according to Islam, are not only decent and legitimate acts if done with the intention to become closer to Allah [qasd-e qurbat] but also good deeds that have rewards [thawab]. Furthermore, sexual relations are even obligatory in some circumstances.

"A woman came to the Prophet (S) and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah! What are the rights of men upon their wives?’ He replied, ‘She must obey him and not be disobedient. She must not give charity from his house without his permission. She must not perform voluntary fasts without his permission. She must not deny him her body, even if she is on the back of a camel. And she must not exit her home without his permission."

Ibid, p. 158.

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These things are an addiction, so should be treated like any other addiction. The harm isn't the masturbation, let's be honest, that isn't necessarily going to kill a marriage but the lust over other women likely could, so first replace the harmful matter which is the porn with something permissible. While doing this address the reason behind the addictive action, there will be one, whether it's sensation, preference etc, then you can be targeting that as a couple. That is the first step, don't expect to stop someone from an addictive action straight away, you'll end up disappointed with the result.

Edited by aaaz1618
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Often men has a bigger sex drive than women. That is also why most rapist are men. Masturbating and watching porn is haram as far as I know (don't know of any scholars who would allow it). If my husband did this I would inform him about it once but if it didn't take anything away from me I wouldn't be bothered about it. It is between him and God. I think it is the lesser evil. It would be much worse if he went out and raped someone, went to a prostitute or had an affair with a real person.

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On 9/7/2019 at 5:01 PM, Aliya 16 said:

Salam

I'd like to get an opionion if it's the norm that a husband chooses to masturbate and watch porn as it makes him feel good. Why he chooses to do this if he's married ? He is aware it's haram but doesn't think it hurts anyone so not a problem doing it.

I'd like to know do alot of men who are married do this ? Is this something that is happening in marriages that is widespread and noone talks about it? 

Does the man have the right to do this if for what ever reason his wife does not give him what he needs when he needs it? Or is it still wrong ? Has a wife got the right to ask him to stop this behaviour ? And if he does not, what can she do?

Thank you

Walaikum Assalam Sister,

Hope you're well. I am sorry to hear that your personal life is problematic. I would to commend you for mustering the strength to ask such a difficult and personal question. Hats off to you.

I am currently a junior doctor training to be a psychiatrist. Hence I think I can hopefully answer your question from different points of view (I.e. medical, psychological and spiritual).

Medical Perspective: there are no physical health issues reported in people who masturbate

Psychological Perspective: Contemporary and traditional psychology has always been favourable towards masturbation. Even today, psychology demonstrates that masturbation can have certain benefits and can be a form of a stress-reliever in both the sexes

Spiritual Perspective: It is VERY important to understand that masturbation has been condemned by our religion (I.e. Islam, following the Jurisprudence of Imam Jafar-as-Sadiq (AS)). The reason is that masturbation is the easy way out to satisfy the psychological and natural craving of the human body. This is very important to understand.

Our body has certain rights over us, regardless of us harming others or not, there are limits which are very well understood if one WANTS to understand the answers.

Our religion promotes early marriage, because both, male and female have certain hormonal changes and their body starts having certain needs. The human being (who is very easily a prey to the desires of the body, chooses to fulfil these desires in many way)

e.g. Eating all the time doesn't harm any body, but the persons body will deteriorate, drinking all sorts of drinks will have consequences on the body and the mind regardless of the person not harming others, sleeping all the time doesn't harm any body but the person themselves because they lose time etc.

Masturbation is looked down upon by our Masumeen and hence it is our duty to avoid it as much as we can. When people get married, they have the proper channel to fulfil their bodies' sexual needs and hence I would think that it would be considered a Maqrooh act at the very least. Especially when it is causing uneasiness to the other partner.

I hope your partner tries to understand that he is harming no one, but his own psychological health and he is also harming you by making you prone to doubt yourself.

Prayers your way.

Kind regards,

Khudi

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48 minutes ago, Revert1963 said:

Often men has a bigger sex drive than women. That is also why most rapist are men. Masturbating and watching porn is haram as far as I know (don't know of any scholars who would allow it). If my husband did this I would inform him about it once but if it didn't take anything away from me I wouldn't be bothered about it. It is between him and God. I think it is the lesser evil. It would be much worse if he went out and raped someone, went to a prostitute or had an affair with a real person.

Asbagh bin Nubatah quotes Imam 'Ali as follows: "Almighty God has created the sexual desire in ten parts; then He gave nine parts to women and one to men." The hadith goes on: "And if the Almighty God had not given the women equal parts of shyness, then each man would have nine women related to him." 

In other words, Allah has given the women greater part of sexual desire but He has also neutralized it by giving equal parts of shyness to them.

You be the judge... 

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31 minutes ago, Ali~J said:

Asbagh bin Nubatah quotes Imam 'Ali as follows: "Almighty God has created the sexual desire in ten parts; then He gave nine parts to women and one to men." The hadith goes on: "And if the Almighty God had not given the women equal parts of shyness, then each man would have nine women related to him." 

In other words, Allah has given the women greater part of sexual desire but He has also neutralized it by giving equal parts of shyness to them.

You be the judge... 

I always thought that men had more libido than women.

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41 minutes ago, Ali~J said:

Asbagh bin Nubatah quotes Imam 'Ali as follows: "Almighty God has created the sexual desire in ten parts; then He gave nine parts to women and one to men." The hadith goes on: "And if the Almighty God had not given the women equal parts of shyness, then each man would have nine women related to him." 

In other words, Allah has given the women greater part of sexual desire but He has also neutralized it by giving equal parts of shyness to them.

You be the judge... 

it could be that it means to say that woman are more sensitive when aroused. And that they can climax more.

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10 minutes ago, AkhiraisReal said:

it could be that it means to say that woman are more sensitive when aroused. And that they can climax more.

Yeah as I said, you be the judge brother... :bye:

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21 minutes ago, Mohammadi_follower said:

I always thought that men had more libido than women.

I guess that women are just good at hiding the fact that they're aroused.. It does say that they're very shy too.. 

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29 minutes ago, Ali~J said:

I guess that women are just good at hiding the fact that they're aroused.. It does say that they're very shy too.. 

Sometimes when I see some women in instagram I am asking me if it always true nowadays.

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I am sorry in advance for a long post! :blush:

Being a male myself, I can try understand and relate to your husband's issue. But before heading the below points, ask yourself what is your contribution to the issue you have just mentioned. Do you have regular sex with your husband? Or is he the type who doesn't want to have sex with you even though you initiate it?

I have spoken to many married men and of what I can conclude is the following:

  1. First year of marriage: Majority women change after first year of marriage, I mean their sexual life reduces due to marital stress and other personal preference. Men who used to have alot of sex in first year of marriage, will suffer alot when the wife decides to cut down on sex after first year. There are alot of cases were women would have sex less than 5 times a year which leaves the male to sort other ways out.
  2. Pregnancy: Sex goes out of the window during pregnancy and after: hence the male is left nowhere to satistfy his needs. Many women do not like being touched and dislike intimacy during pregnancy and after, hence the male comes up with other ways to relieve himself. You can search on google about Incels and you will read alot of posts about how men are sexually starved and then end up masturbating and view porn. I know women change during the pregnancy and after, not because they want to but its because the hormones kick in. I did a research into it and found there is a hormonal control going on which makes them repel male intimacy. So I understand their behaviour but I am just many males don't understand this behaviour and would simply think their wives are not interested in them and find other ways. The crazy thing is many women don't know of these hormonal controls too. I know of a case where a husband divorced his wife when she was pregnant because she lost interest in him and didn't like when he touched her or kissed her... I mean touch as in hugs and holding hands. He thought she is cheating on him and hence the divorce.
  3. Loss in sex interest: Some women prefer to decrease sex altogether without discussing with their husbands without any valid reason. They simply think sexual life is for the dating period only and has no room in married lifestyle. They do not even provide a way out for their husbands. eg mutah etc
  4. Physical Appearance: I know of males who have been put off by their wives weight or how they look after pregnancy. I know of girls who just gain weight and do not take care of their body. Okay, I do not support any male to look down on women who gain weight or how they look after pregnancy as thats simply selfish of the males to do so. She wouldn't gain weight or gain those stretch marks had the male not decided to pregnate her. So I am not saying women should become extra sensitive to this point of mine, but I am saying this is what I have heard from few males.
  5. Clothing at home: Some women dress up all covered as if the husband is a nah mahram. I mean except the hair showing, the rest is all loose clothing. There are males who love to look at their wives in sexual ways but these type of clothing puts them off. Hence they look at porn to see other women with sexual clothing which turns them on.

I would suggest you should talk to your husband openly about why he is doing so and also listen to him without judging him. Many males are suffering in silence. (I am not saying females are not, as there are cases of females suffering too when their males don't satisfy them and they are left then to masturbate or go to haram relations to relieve themselves). Please bear in mind some males would not easily discuss their reasons of masturbation with their wife as they wouldn't want to hurt her with the reasons why they are doing so.

Lastly, you can pray for him and make earnest dua to Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to help him in this misfortune. Whatever you do, please don't resent him as its just one of those where the spouse needs dua rather than being judged.

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It is a sin. I can say that virtually every man struggles with it at some point. It is better that he acknowledges the sin than being in denial about it. Not just the masturbation, but the gazing at strange women and the normalization of zina. It is an industry that destroys lives, so it’s hardly “harmless.”

It is in no way the wife’s fault. But if you love your husband, there are ways of helping him wean off this sin. The first is having him acknowledge that it is indeed a sin. Then he can find ways to limit his alone time with such devices (leaving computers/phones in common rooms). Some men masturbate to fill a sexual void — the primary reason for nikah is to exit the state of sin that bachelorhood naturally creates, so regular sexual relations would be a function of marriage, and it is a wife’s duty to not deny her husband’s advances (unless there are extenuating circumstances). Even mut’a would be preferable to masturbation, but I’m not necessarily recommending that as the solution (as it can create other problems). You should encourage him to open up about what he wants, and try to be patient with the answer. It could be a superficial problem, or it could be a foundational one.

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Thank you all for your comments / advice. 

We have been married for some time now and our sexual relationship is still very good. I'm also quite sexual and we will fulfil each other's needs when ever we require. For that reason I'm shocked he would turn to such an act. He's reassured me or a nothing to do with me but sometimes likes a release and he finds that way helps him distress. He is aware it's wrong and states he's doing it alot less. But I still cannot understand why he is doing it.  As you say it's between him and Allah. He knows it's wrong and as his wife I'm made it clear I'm not happy with it. The rest is up to him. I cannot do anything more.

Thank you all. 

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11 minutes ago, Qa'im said:

Some men masturbate to fill a sexual void — the primary reason for nikah is to exit the state of sin that bachelorhood naturally creates, so regular sexual relations would be a function of marriage, and it is a wife’s duty to not deny her husband’s advances (unless there are extenuating circumstances).

For those of us on restricted diets (for health reasons) the trick is to ensure that the desire for unhealthy foods does not arise in the first place by eating a ton of the good stuff. So I would add to your advice by politely suggesting that the OP is proactive in ensuring that her husband is 'drained' and remains in that state on an almost permanent basis. He will then run from even the sight of another female. 

The above was written before the previous post was submitted. I'd still stand by the general principle.

Edited by Haji 2003
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On 9/8/2019 at 2:31 AM, Aliya 16 said:

Salam

I'd like to get an opionion if it's the norm that a husband chooses to masturbate and watch porn as it makes him feel good. Why he chooses to do this if he's married ? He is aware it's haram but doesn't think it hurts anyone so not a problem doing it.

I'd like to know do alot of men who are married do this ? Is this something that is happening in marriages that is widespread and noone talks about it? 

Does the man have the right to do this if for what ever reason his wife does not give him what he needs when he needs it? Or is it still wrong ? Has a wife got the right to ask him to stop this behaviour ? And if he does not, what can she do?

Thank you

His behavior is wrong... no justifying it...

As a man, I have a solution for you, it's not very good. You have to understand your husband is a sick person, and addicted to sex and porn... his will power is too weak.

As a normal human, you can't meet the supply to his demand, and internet is a ready, free, and anonymous supply of sexual fantasy and gratification.

He might stop if you increase activity with him, you could make deals... that he cut back on it if you provide it halal...thats the negative part, it would require sacrifice on your part...

 

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On 9/9/2019 at 5:12 PM, Qa'im said:

The primary reason for nikah is to exit the state of sin that bachelorhood naturally creates, so regular sexual relations would be a function of marriage

If it is natural for bachelorhood to create a state of sin, then it would mean that Islam expects something unnatural from unmarried people by asking them to remain chaste. This cannot be true because Islam is a religion of nature. If it demands that unmarried people should not fulfill their sexual urges in any way at all, it means that being completely chaste before marriage is not something unnatural. What is unnatural is that a person is unmarried and commits sexual sins. Allah has not given any unmarried person a sexual desire so strong that it would force him to sin. If anyone sins, the blame has to be put on his unnaturally and abnormally heightened sexual urges which he has himself generated in the first place. I'm not claiming that premarital chastity is easy, but I don't believe that it is the natural urge which drives man to sexual sins before marriage. Rather his nature should push him away from any unwanted, unacceptable, forbidden sexual urges before marriage. 

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On 9/7/2019 at 11:01 PM, Aliya 16 said:

watch porn as it makes him feel good.

It also makes sense that we're in the state of chaos in terms of Muslim marriages.

he has no idea what he is doing & he's inviting unseen strangers to your bedroom.

in a while, you'll know how evil his 'good feel' is.

On 9/7/2019 at 11:01 PM, Aliya 16 said:

Why he chooses to do this if he's married ? He is aware it's haram but doesn't think it hurts anyone so not a problem doing it.

applying Allah((سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى))'s guidance is not for everyone. everyone can learn soooo much & fail to understand what was learned.

I [deleted] it off, the pressure of the lower self, due to being not married whilst the unseen make use of this opportunity presented to them. When [deleted], a scene is created of say with whoever lady & her being far from the action, the connection with her will be made by them & they benefit out of that energy transfer. So these things are deceitful & now they'll initiate the spiritual sexual sin in your subconscious to fulfill their evil through ...& whoever.

Back to your husband, to stop this cycle, fasting is recommended, once the spiritual self is active the physical self with its passions will be rendered void. The unseen use the physical to harm the spiritual self of men. They know about the superiority of the spiritual self & it's weakness is in the flesh. Other unseen things are said to play & attached themselves to the genitals such that individuals are forever aroused & the target is both genders using one to get the other. Have you seen sisters acting strange under the hijab? This matter needs to be addressed quickly Insha'Allah. 

So, please tell your husband to stop transferring energy to these things

 

Edited by Haji 2003
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Thanks @aaaz1618, I have edited the post above yours, but obviously had to hide yours as well.

Edited by Haji 2003
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Yes and no! A lot of husbands do masturbate but we can't assume that all watch hardcore porn (because I can imagine some people are drawn away from this filth). In fact my little sister's best friend caught this uncle in our Shia community watching porn (on his laptop). There is also another "religious" uncle who was caught video chatting with girls on Skype. Yes, married men do have these tendencies. Masturbation addiction opens the door for perverted tendencies where you prefer other women over your own wives.

A lot of men are addicted sadly and it's not for us to be overly judgemental. We shouldn't shame them if they have the right intentions - as in if they acknowledge that it's a sin and are trying to get rid of their addiction. If wives are willing to help their husbands overcome their porn addiction, it can make the whole process of recovery so much easier. Even psychology confirms that opening up to a loved one about your addiction, makes the road to recovery smooth. 

I don't blame wives being heart-broken upon catching their husbands watching porn. I understand how painful it is to find your husband watching those actresses who wear tonnes of make-up and have fake bodies. Not just the porn industry, even hollywood movies put women out there for display, so every random guy in the town can look at women who appear to have a "perfect" body. It's very destructive. But it's important to not freak out. Talk to your husbands and ask them questions in a non-judgemental way. If your husband happens too be a serious addict, take him to a psychologist. We need to tell men out there that it's okay to seek help.

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On 9/7/2019 at 5:01 PM, Aliya 16 said:

 Why he chooses to do this if he's married ?

Does the man have the right to do this if for what ever reason his wife does not give him what he needs when he needs it?

I suspect you answered your own question there.

If that is indeed what you are doing to him then sister may I ask who or what gave you the right to do so? And for what purpose are you denying him his right?

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14 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Yes, married men do have these tendencies. Masturbation addiction opens the door for perverted tendencies where you prefer other women over your own wives.

True. It is said that marriage saves half religion, but this doesn't happen automatically. Married men have to make big efforts and show self restraint and self control to avoid sins, just like the unmarried. 

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In our narrations, it's stated that whether one ejaculates due to masturbation or bestiality, they're both considered Zina. 

There are people, who may think masturbation is no big deal. It is. In a narration, masturbation and bestiality are putt side by side, and ejaculation due to either is equated with Zina. 

 

Edited by SoRoUsH
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On 9/9/2019 at 4:37 PM, Guest SimpleMuslim said:

There are alot of cases were women would have sex less than 5 times a year which leaves the male to sort other ways out.

There are cases where women do not have sex with their husbands even once in a year. Such women are denying the rights of their husbands. However, the husband still cannot present this as a valid reason or a justification or legitimate excuse to masturbate. Even if the wife never has sex with her husband, and the husband is unable to remarry or do mutah, he would still not be allowed or permitted in any way at all to masturbate - even if he has to remain sexless all his life, despite being married.

If the wife refuses sex, she will be held responsible in the next world, but if the husband masturbates because the wife is refusing sex, he too would be held responsible and he would not be able to give any excuse for it. Rather it would be expected that even if he can never have sex despite being married, he still must never masturbate.

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I will mention something I don’t think has really been discussed, I know this issue and it is because of the way a mans brain is percieving Pleasure and effort. The reason masturbation is so addictive and can become a substitute for someone even when married/in relationship (as this occurs outside marriage with non-Muslims frequently) is because porn allows the ability to view multiple women and with very little physical effort achieve (almost) the same pleasure levels. So to the primal brain this is better. Once a man knows the damage it is causing to himself (go read the topic of 'No-Fap' don’t want to type a book here) and to his loved ones around him, then they make the effort to stop and its just like an addiction, intercourse cannot replace it immediately. Also assess how you're libido's are matching up, sexual fustration dosent have to be released every time with full blown intercourse but I'm not getting into details. 

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On 9/9/2019 at 2:05 PM, Revert1963 said:

Often men has a bigger sex drive than women. That is also why most rapist are men. Masturbating and watching porn is haram as far as I know (don't know of any scholars who would allow it). If my husband did this I would inform him about it once but if it didn't take anything away from me I wouldn't be bothered about it. It is between him and God. I think it is the lesser evil. It would be much worse if he went out and raped someone, went to a prostitute or had an affair with a real person.

These kind of behaviour does open doors to rape and sleeping with prostetutes or cheating. Pornography should be frowned upon like ALCOHOL

You cant just leave your husband and say 'Ill leave him in God's Hand'

Maybe thats how far you want to go with your husband but you have set a low bar for yourself. 

You need to just tell him 'What if i watch other naked men and them having se* with other women' .....Trust me that hits hard on a man

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