Please help me!!!!

[Guest GuestExistingMemberOnSC]

Hi, I just want to say that firstly please approve this post, I'm in genuine need of help and so MODS please please approve this post. 

My big problem is masturbation.... I'm in my late teens and I started to have sexual desire when I was about 10 and I discovered masturbation around this time too. I didn't know it was completely haraam back then but it kind of felt wrong... But it developed into a bad habit because of the desire which lives in every human being.... Some years after this I realised it was haraam. And since then I've been fighting a losing battle with masturbation. And brothers and sisters the desire and intensity of the urges does NOT die down as at all. It just gets worse and worse. Then just a couple months ago I learned of the state of janabah. I was in a state of janabah for 6 years because my parents never educated me. Allahu Akbar. Just this year I did my ghusl janabah after masturbating probably over 3000 times I have calculated brothers and sisters. May God have mercy on me 

Then after educating MYSELF I told my parents I want to get married. They said "no, you're too young" after 6 months of pleading with them they agreed that I can speak to a girl oqho is from the other side of the world (Pakistan) in messaging only. I only have a rough idea of what she looks like, and I met her once but I didn't really meet her... It was at a public event and she was just there we didn't speak or anything but that was before my parents arranged for me to start messaging her. Come to the present and I'm in love with this girl even though I still haven't seen her face properly yet and even though she's on the other side of the world we still have mutual love at this point. She even wants to marry me soon (when I say soon I mean in 5/6 years) but the journey has been so long and tourmenting brothers and sisters that this time is short for me... 

But back to my problem of masturbation, before masturbation there's the incredibly strong build of urge and sometimes it's triggered other times it's spontaneous, this is the life of a teenager brothers and sisters. After I'm finished I feel disgusting, ashamed, embarrassed and not worthy of the girl in my life. She doesn't know about the problem by the way.... It would break her little heart.. 

That fact that it would break her heart.... breaks my heart. I feel like a monster and I need to stop this curse from hell. Sometimes I feel so sick of myself especially now in the month of Muharram Allahu Akbar. What did I do in my life to deserve this girl who has a heart of gold and I'm in love with her personality not her physical appearance because obviously I have never seen her properly... But in 2019 with all the evil and hatred in the world who cares about looks? A girl with a glowing personality that she has is the best girl....

So people of ShiaChat help me with my problems until I can marry and take care of my urges in a halal way with my wife... 

Thank you. 

[EthidiumIodide]

What many of the brothers and sisters on this site will tell you is to go out and exercise, study, never be alone, etc. I'm not sure how useful this will be, especially since you have a few years before your aqd iA. Muslims in the West are faced with the fact that the society they live in is not conducive to marriage at your age, so I feel bad for you to be honest, you want to do good but the deck is stacked. 

Secondly, I am not sure why you think it would break her heart. You're assuming a little too much about her. Sounds like you think she's masoom and doesn't understand how you could commit gunah. 

[Abu Hadi]

9 hours ago, Guest GuestExistingMemberOnSC said:

Hi, I just want to say that firstly please approve this post, I'm in genuine need of help and so MODS please please approve this post. 

My big problem is masturbation.... I'm in my late teens and I started to have sexual desire when I was about 10 and I discovered masturbation around this time too. I didn't know it was completely haraam back then but it kind of felt wrong... But it developed into a bad habit because of the desire which lives in every human being.... Some years after this I realised it was haraam. And since then I've been fighting a losing battle with masturbation. And brothers and sisters the desire and intensity of the urges does NOT die down as at all. It just gets worse and worse. Then just a couple months ago I learned of the state of janabah. I was in a state of janabah for 6 years because my parents never educated me. Allahu Akbar. Just this year I did my ghusl janabah after masturbating probably over 3000 times I have calculated brothers and sisters. May God have mercy on me 

Then after educating MYSELF I told my parents I want to get married. They said "no, you're too young" after 6 months of pleading with them they agreed that I can speak to a girl oqho is from the other side of the world (Pakistan) in messaging only. I only have a rough idea of what she looks like, and I met her once but I didn't really meet her... It was at a public event and she was just there we didn't speak or anything but that was before my parents arranged for me to start messaging her. Come to the present and I'm in love with this girl even though I still haven't seen her face properly yet and even though she's on the other side of the world we still have mutual love at this point. She even wants to marry me soon (when I say soon I mean in 5/6 years) but the journey has been so long and tourmenting brothers and sisters that this time is short for me... 

But back to my problem of masturbation, before masturbation there's the incredibly strong build of urge and sometimes it's triggered other times it's spontaneous, this is the life of a teenager brothers and sisters. After I'm finished I feel disgusting, ashamed, embarrassed and not worthy of the girl in my life. She doesn't know about the problem by the way.... It would break her little heart.. 

That fact that it would break her heart.... breaks my heart. I feel like a monster and I need to stop this curse from hell. Sometimes I feel so sick of myself especially now in the month of Muharram Allahu Akbar. What did I do in my life to deserve this girl who has a heart of gold and I'm in love with her personality not her physical appearance because obviously I have never seen her properly... But in 2019 with all the evil and hatred in the world who cares about looks? A girl with a glowing personality that she has is the best girl....

So people of ShiaChat help me with my problems until I can marry and take care of my urges in a halal way with my wife... 

Thank you. 

You already know what the solution is. Get married ASAP. This may be difficult and your parents may be upset and you might have to put some of your plans on hold. The fact that ypu feel bad about doing this sin means that there is still hope for you and tauba is an option.

The problems is if u wait 5 to 6 years, as im sure your parents want, there is a risk that in 5 years this spiritual disease would have progressed to the point where you do this sin and probably other related ones and don’t feel bad and don’t make the effort to do tauba. At that point there is almost no hope for you. 

It amazes me that if someone were diagnosed with cancer, would they wait 5 years before getting treatment ? You have a disease worse than cancer because cancer can only kill your body. This disease can kill your soul. You know that already. Get married Get married Get married. 

[Guest GuestExistingMemberOnSC]

10 hours ago, EthidiumIodide said:

Secondly, I am not sure why you think it would break her heart. You're assuming a little too much about her. Sounds like you think she's masoom and doesn't understand how you could commit gunah. 

Yeah I know that everyone commits sin, but it's just the sensitive and disgusting nature of my sin which I think would upset her the most... 

[Guest GuestExistingMemberOnSC]

9 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

The problems is if u wait 5 to 6 years, as im sure your parents want

Yes that's true my parents want me to wait. Even the girl wants me to wait 5 years so she can finish studying...

9 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Get married Get married Get married. 

I would be completely fine with getting married soon or even muta but it wouldn't make any difference since with my situation she'll only live with me (she is in another country now) after completing her studies... which is as I mentioned 5 years... 

[Guest Ahmad]

I feel exactly what you go through. Millions of other people do. Its a battle thats very hard to fight and when you lose over and over it makes you feel hopeless and guilty and dirty. The society and world that we live in wants things to be this way and it makes me sad how Shaytan is able to make this life on earth a hell for us.

But Allah sees your struggles. Even if you try to stop and you can't, just know that if you ask for forgiveness Allah will definitely forgive you a million times over. It can get tiring to masturbate and keep on asking for forgiveness but as long as you keep on trying to control yourself then you're ok in God's book. It's the effort that counts and this is a sin that targets the very nature of a human being, sexuality, which makes it so hard to avoid. 

I'm 20 and still have many years to go until I can get a permanent marriage but I'm hoping for a mutah in the meanwhile, as soon as everyone can stop social distancing 

[Abu_Zahra]

46 minutes ago, Guest Ahmad said:

I'm 20 and still have many years to go until I can get a permanent marriage

Why? What's stopping you from marrying right now? 

[Guest Ahmad]

11 hours ago, Mahdavist said:

Why? What's stopping you from marrying right now? 

Permanent marriage is unrealistic considering I'm still in school. 

Temporary marriage might happen but not anytime soon with covid 

[Abu_Zahra]

44 minutes ago, Guest Ahmad said:

Permanent marriage is unrealistic considering I'm still in school. 

Temporary marriage might happen but not anytime soon with covid 

School shouldn't be an obstacle. You can get married and continue studying. 

[The Green Knight]

@OP

Masturbation is one thing, watching porn is another. I hope you do not consider both part of the same package deal because if you are into watching porn, at your age, then that will be devastating for you, socially, physically, mentally and spiritually. Whatever the debates or your researches tell you about masturbation, and no matter how difficult the urges are, stay away from pornography. That is my only advice for you.

[Zainuu]

On 9/6/2019 at 6:23 PM, Guest GuestExistingMemberOnSC said:

Hi, I just want to say that firstly please approve this post, I'm in genuine need of help and so MODS please please approve this post. 

My big problem is masturbation.... I'm in my late teens and I started to have sexual desire when I was about 10 and I discovered masturbation around this time too. I didn't know it was completely haraam back then but it kind of felt wrong... But it developed into a bad habit because of the desire which lives in every human being.... Some years after this I realised it was haraam. And since then I've been fighting a losing battle with masturbation. And brothers and sisters the desire and intensity of the urges does NOT die down as at all. It just gets worse and worse. Then just a couple months ago I learned of the state of janabah. I was in a state of janabah for 6 years because my parents never educated me. Allahu Akbar. Just this year I did my ghusl janabah after masturbating probably over 3000 times I have calculated brothers and sisters. May God have mercy on me 

Then after educating MYSELF I told my parents I want to get married. They said "no, you're too young" after 6 months of pleading with them they agreed that I can speak to a girl oqho is from the other side of the world (Pakistan) in messaging only. I only have a rough idea of what she looks like, and I met her once but I didn't really meet her... It was at a public event and she was just there we didn't speak or anything but that was before my parents arranged for me to start messaging her. Come to the present and I'm in love with this girl even though I still haven't seen her face properly yet and even though she's on the other side of the world we still have mutual love at this point. She even wants to marry me soon (when I say soon I mean in 5/6 years) but the journey has been so long and tourmenting brothers and sisters that this time is short for me... 

But back to my problem of masturbation, before masturbation there's the incredibly strong build of urge and sometimes it's triggered other times it's spontaneous, this is the life of a teenager brothers and sisters. After I'm finished I feel disgusting, ashamed, embarrassed and not worthy of the girl in my life. She doesn't know about the problem by the way.... It would break her little heart.. 

That fact that it would break her heart.... breaks my heart. I feel like a monster and I need to stop this curse from hell. Sometimes I feel so sick of myself especially now in the month of Muharram Allahu Akbar. What did I do in my life to deserve this girl who has a heart of gold and I'm in love with her personality not her physical appearance because obviously I have never seen her properly... But in 2019 with all the evil and hatred in the world who cares about looks? A girl with a glowing personality that she has is the best girl....

So people of ShiaChat help me with my problems until I can marry and take care of my urges in a halal way with my wife... 

Thank you. 

Go step by step.

1. First and foremost, put a stop to watching any adult content. Even avoid to watch simple romantic movies, because they all trigger. This is probably the hardest and the most decisive step.

2. Try to acquire company of religious and pious people. Stay away from people who are deviated. They will harm your spirit.

3. Keep a fast every week. Keep yourself away from electronic devices while sleeping.

4. When sexual desires hit you, try your best to not touch your private parts.

5. Always do wudhu, recite Ayat ul Kursi before sleeping. 

From my personal experience, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is enough to cure every illness. Strengthen your belief on Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) as it will always be the strongest weapon in your life.

Above were some simple advices. Also, follow a plan of living which will keep you busy. An empty mind is a place of Satan. So, always keep dping some work. What can be better than earning knwoledge. While alone and free, try to acquire knowledge or go to a nice walk.

I always mention this plan of living given by Imam Al  Baqir (عليه السلام) :

 

Divide your day in 4 parts: 

      1. Prayers and Munajaat (talk with Allah)

      2. Daily Work and study (for your living)

      3. Talking to friends and family

      4. Halal entertainment (hobbies that keep you motivated and are permissible in Islam)

Also, meditate everyday in the manner adviced in the video in the below post:

 

Lastly, women are humans and not angels or houris. Brother, I also used to think like that only but at the end I found myself to be much more simple and decent than some women. So, please discard this assumption completely that :

what would she think?

Or, I am a beast and she is so great?

Allah, Allah . Chill man.

She is a human being and interact with her like that only. If she is really good and is real modest and pious. Then, marry her soon. And stay in her company to avoid evil. That might work though I am not sure. Frankly, brother. Such a thing never worked for me. Women are no saviors, they are humans. 

[Guest Ahmad]

4 hours ago, Mahdavist said:

School shouldn't be an obstacle. You can get married and continue studying. 

Just because it SHOULDN'T be an obstacle doesn't mean it ISN'T. For one my parents would take forever to convince.  Second, nowadays, women want to pursue careers above all else because previous generations did not have that privilege. And I myself am not in favor of getting married extremely young like 18 or 19 because even tho this is a safeguard against haraam acts, it can also be a setup for divorce when two immature teens get married just for sex. To me, it is much better for them to be patient for a little while, UNLESS they fear that they are falling into terrible sins. 

[Abu_Zahra]

6 hours ago, Guest Ahmad said:

Just because it SHOULDN'T be an obstacle doesn't mean it ISN'T. For one my parents would take forever to convince.  Second, nowadays, women want to pursue careers above all else because previous generations did not have that privilege. And I myself am not in favor of getting married extremely young like 18 or 19 because even tho this is a safeguard against haraam acts, it can also be a setup for divorce when two immature teens get married just for sex. To me, it is much better for them to be patient for a little while, UNLESS they fear that they are falling into terrible sins. 

As a male you don't need to convince your parents. You can certainly try but ultimately it's your decision. 

You and your wife can both study together, I know various couples who have done this successfully alhamdulillah. 

[313_Waiter]

 

[Quran313]

I did dua for you brother. Do NOT tell this problem to the girl you wanna marry. Ask her to marry soon. 5,6 years is too late. At least recite a temporary marriage contract or the Nikah contract between you two until you both have marriage ceremony

[Quran313]

Look, ONE GHUSL IS ENOUGH FOR ALL YOUR JINABAT STATES. NO NEED TO DO GHUSL MANY TIMES. It's a Fiqhi rule, but avoid this sin. I know it's hard, but I do dua for you everyday to overcome this. I remember you in my dua.

[Maisam Haider]

21 hours ago, Mahdavist said:

As a male you don't need to convince your parents. You can certainly try but ultimately it's your decision.

Yes, but when a man rightly makes the ultimate decision to get married soon, against all odds, that doesn't necessarily mean that his marriage will actually take place as soon as he wishes. Even if he tries his best he may have to wait for several years for nikah or even mutah to take place. That's because getting married is not something which is in every man's own personal control. Had that been the universal case, most young men would have been married at young ages.

Circumstances today can make it so extremely hard to get married for a young man, that several years of wait is a very realistic prospect. If a person is in such a situation where he can predict that despite his earnest desire for marriage or even mutah, it is highly unlikely to happen anytime within the next several years, then advising him to get married, get married, get married is like adding salt on wounds. The intention of such advice is good but this is like telling a starving person to "eat food or else you will die" when he is in the middle of the desert and there is no availability of any food or water anywhere for the next hundreds of miles.

Perhaps a better advice for the starving man would be to encourage him that even if he is starving and has no food and water, he should still be patient and continue to walk, even if for miles and miles until eventually he can find some food and water, however long that may take.

Isn't this what Islam requires and expects from unmarried people.... that however long it may take for them to get married, even if years and years, they must still remain patient, avoid sins and suppress/curb their natural desire to the point that sexual sins do not take place? If achieving this goal of remaining chaste for years/decades before marriage had been impossible, then why would the law require unmarried people to make an attempt to reach this goal? 

When someone believes marriage will not take place anytime soon despite his earnest efforts, then more stress should be put on encouraging him to stay patient and chaste than the advice to get married. That's because getting married is not something which is in a man's own control but on the other hand when it comes to controlling the sexual desire, the law states that it is obligatory / mandatory to control it before marriage - thereby clarifying that sexual desire is controllable even when marriage is a remote possibility. 

That's my point of view but happy to receive criticism, if you disagree. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Maisam Haider

[Abu_Zahra]

2 hours ago, Maisam Haider said:

That's my point of view but happy to receive criticism, if you disagree. 

The obstacles and barriers to marriage that you have described are socially and culturally imposed. 

If one is prepared to resist social and cultural expectations then I believe marriage certainly is possible at an early age. 

Of course, one would need to take the time and effort to find a woman whose guardian is also willing to compromise on these conventions. It can be challenging but not impossible.

 

[Maisam Haider]

15 minutes ago, Mahdavist said:

The obstacles and barriers to marriage that you have described are socially and culturally imposed. 

I didn't say they are not culturally imposed. I agree that Islam doesn't put any baseless restrictions on early marriages and most of the hindrances are due to society. 

But even if a person resists the culture and makes his maximum effort to get married early and tries his level best, it is still possible that he might have to wait for a long time, extending over several years, because making an effort to get married early is not a guarantee that early marriage will actually take place, because the resistance from the society may be greater than maximum effort the man can put in. 

I think many young men fall in this category where they try very hard to get married early, but the society, family, relatives, circumstances do not allow marriage to take place. The man's struggle is not deficient but society's opposition may be greater. 

We cannot blame such men for not trying enough or not resisting the society enough..they may have already put in their maximum possible effort. Perhaps it is better to give them hope that even if they cannot get married despite their maximum effort, they can still remain patient and sexually chaste for extended periods with Allah's help, until marriage eventually becomes possible, however long it may take. 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Maisam Haider

[Guest Ahmad]

Couldn't have said it better myself @Maisam Haider

[Guest Shia_Kid]

Dude go to easypeasy.org its the ONLY solution that can save you trust me on this one

[Maisam Haider]

On 9/7/2019 at 3:13 AM, Abu Hadi said:

It amazes me that if someone were diagnosed with cancer, would they wait 5 years before getting treatment ?

There are cancer patients in this world who wait for long time to get treatment. This isn't because they wish to delay treatment - it is because they cannot afford the treatment and there is nobody who will help them financially. If getting treatment was in their own hands, they would not wait a single day. 

Similarly, there are many young unmarried men in this world who wish to get married and would not wait a single day - but they cannot get married because their marriage is not in their own hands. Their circumstances do not allow them to get married, so they have to wait for long time, even years. For example, if a person is in prison and wishes to get married, he might have to wait for his prison term to end which may take years or decades. This isn't something which is in his control. Or suppose a man is engaged to a woman who is in a different country and due to immigration rules, they cannot travel and meet each other until their visa is processed which can take years. 

In these circumstances, you cannot blame the individual for delaying marriage. Instead, they should be given hope that sooner or later, Allah will remove the obstacles that prevent their marriages. But until that happens, they should remain patient. Asking them to get married when they are facing such difficult situations can be more depressing and hurtful, even though the advice is good, but it can be painful to think that if you had the chance, you would not wait a day to get married but may be forced, compelled, bound by circumstances to stay single for extended periods. 

[Abu Hadi]

4 hours ago, Maisam Haider said:

There are cancer patients in this world who wait for long time to get treatment. This isn't because they wish to delay treatment - it is because they cannot afford the treatment and there is nobody who will help them financially. If getting treatment was in their own hands, they would not wait a single day. 

Similarly, there are many young unmarried men in this world who wish to get married and would not wait a single day - but they cannot get married because their marriage is not in their own hands. Their circumstances do not allow them to get married, so they have to wait for long time, even years. For example, if a person is in prison and wishes to get married, he might have to wait for his prison term to end which may take years or decades. This isn't something which is in his control. Or suppose a man is engaged to a woman who is in a different country and due to immigration rules, they cannot travel and meet each other until their visa is processed which can take years. 

In these circumstances, you cannot blame the individual for delaying marriage. Instead, they should be given hope that sooner or later, Allah will remove the obstacles that prevent their marriages. But until that happens, they should remain patient. Asking them to get married when they are facing such difficult situations can be more depressing and hurtful, even though the advice is good, but it can be painful to think that if you had the chance, you would not wait a day to get married but may be forced, compelled, bound by circumstances to stay single for extended periods. 

The prisoner thing is a seperate issue which we discussed before. I know in that case it is not in their hands, and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is AL Gafoor, Al Rahim. 

As far as someone who has their freedom, and especially those men who have a job, money, car, etc, their situation is not the same as a prisoner. Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) gives freedom with responsibility and accountability. Those who have more freedom are more accountable and have more responsibility before Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) to stick to the Haqq and not deviate from it.

A man who is healthy, sane, has some financial independence, and has freedom of movement such as a car, a place to live, etc, doesn't have much of an excuse. Especially those who live in the West who have lots of opportunities to do Mutah. Mutah was made halal by Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for exactly this type of situation, where a man is single but does not have a way to marry permenantly because of different types of situations. Masturbation / Pornography is such as huge problem today and one of the main reasons is that most younger brothers and sisters don't have the courage to have a real and frank discussion with their parents about the subject. I know it is uncomfortable and hard to do, but life is full of uncomfortable and hard things that have to be done at one point or another. If brothers and sisters don't get used to doing this when they are young, they will have all sorts of problems in their life. 

These young brothers and sisters need to be honest with their parents and tell them to look up the fiqh ruling of their marjaa' in regards to marriage. All of them say basically the same thing. If a person is falling into haram as a result of not being married, it is WAJIB for them to marry. Marry means any type of marriage, permenant or temporary. If they are doing haram, they don't need to go into details with their parents, but they need to say 'This fatwa applies to me'. I would tell them 'Mom, Dad, Salat is wajib. Are you going to tell me to wait 5 or 6 years to do Salat, Fasting, etc'. No they would never tell you this, but when it comes to marriage they will say that. It makes no sense, either from a logical or religious point of view. It is only happening because people accept the status quo and say 'well that's just the way things are'. Its only the way things are because people accept that. It doesn't have to be. 

The main thing parents are afraid of is their 'reputation' in the community. Let's be honest, it has very little to do with their children. If they were honest they would say that. When they are 'questioned' about their children by the 'community' police force (you know who I'm talking about, the chatty aunties club) they don't want to have to say that their son didn't  have his M.S. or Ph.d or MD and a 3000 square foot house in the nicer suburb with two new cars and then got married to a virgin for the first time so that they are viewed as 'less than' or 'inferior to' Brother X or Brother Y who just got married and has these things. This is the main concern, not the deen of their children. This kind of 'community' culture has become toxic to the point where young brothers and sisters are leaving the religion all together rather than having to deal with this. You can't make one mold or one prototype for marriage and try to squeeze everyone into it. It doesn't work, and it destroys people in the process. 

Unless there is a serious attempt to confront this type of toxic community culture based on love for the dunya in the disguise of Islam, nothing will ever change. Marriage was made easy in Islam for a very good reason. It is only this toxic culture that makes it difficult or impossible. 

 To actually get married, you only need 4 things. 

1) Tawakul. Reliance on Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). With Tawakul, the impossible becomes possible. A good example of this is the founding of the Islamic Republic of Iran. Shia brothers and sisters should study this revolution and see how the entire world was lined up to destroy this revolution and Imam Khomeni(رضي الله عنه), and they failed and Imam succeeded despite overwhelming odds. This was due to Tawakul

2) Niyyat. Proper intention to get married. Seeking of Halal marriage with the sincere intention to do this when the opportunity presents itself

3) Flexibility. Seek out opportunities for marriage wherever they present themselves. Don't just look at the traditional routes. Be open to new routes. Also, don't have in your mind a fixed idea of a spouse and think this is the only person I will marry. Have maximum flexibility in those areas where it is possible to be flexible and you will widen your pool of opportunities and marriage will become easier.

4) Work. You need to actually seek out the opportunities, follow up, go to events, etc. It takes work = time + effort + energy. If you are not willing to put in the work, then the above 3 are irrelevant. You need to actually do the things you need to do in order to make an opportunity into a reality. 

The fifth one is deen(Islam and specifically following path of Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام))) but I am assuming this one because this is a Shia website. At the same time, without following Islam and teaching of Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام)) in general, the other 4 become irrelevant. So whenever you want to get married, look at your hand, (five fingers) and repeat to yourself Deen(the thumb and most important as the thumb is the most important part of your hand), Tawakul, Niyyat, Flexibility, and Work. Now with those 5 fingers you can grab the halal marriage relationship. 

If someone does those 4 things, it won't be too long before they are married. I have actually never personally known of anyone, even those in difficult situation, who did these things and was not married within a year. One of the best times to make the niyyat to start this process is the Arbaeen, which is coming up shortly. Imam Hussein((عليه السلام)) stood on the plains of Karbala facing an army of 30,000 and he had 72. Despite these odds, he accomplished his goal, which was to save the religion of Islam and the teachings of his grandfather, Rasoulallah(p.b.u.h) from those who wished to deviate and corrupt the teachings. Begin with asking Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) by the Haqq of Aba Abdillah((عليه السلام)) and the sacrifice he made for the religion, and you will be successful with the help of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). 

Edited September 7, 2021 by Abu Hadi

[Syed Ali Mehdi Shah Naqvi]

On 1/4/2021 at 11:00 PM, Mahdavist said:

School shouldn't be an obstacle. You can get married and continue studying. 

I wish parents thought the same way. 

But no. Education, handsome salary, house, cars are way more important than following religion and saving kids from gunnah and punishment in afterlife. Whocares about religion anyways.

On top of that, most of relatives get labled as  brothers/sisters in Pakistan like seriously? Somebody need to tell them to STOP THIS NONSENSE 

Edited September 7, 2021 by Syed Ali Mehdi Shah Naqvi

[Diaz]

3 hours ago, Syed Ali Mehdi Shah Naqvi said:

But no. Education, handsome salary, house, cars are way more important than following religion and saving kids from gunnah and punishment in afterlife. Whocares about religion anyways

Don’t forget about the mahr and the wedding ceremony/Party that literally cost half of our life. 
 

 

[Maisam Haider]

Agree with everything you said brother Abu Hadi. 

6 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

If they are doing haram, they don't need to go into details with their parents, but they need to say 'This fatwa applies to me'.

Regarding the fatwa...I consider it this way:

If a man knows that it is easily possible for him to get married as soon as he wishes, without any hurdles, then it is not a matter of concern if he develops fear of sin by being unmarried - because the solution for that fear (marriage) is available to him. He will follow the fatwa that he has to get married if he develops fear of sin and the issue will be solved. 

But when a man knows that he will not be able to get married easily, because of severe resistance from family/society/circumstances etc., and it may take him months-years to get married, then he actually shouldn't develop fear of sin. Because fear of sin makes marriage wajib and when the man knows that he will not be able to marry anytime soon, then he should not put himself in any situation where marriage becomes wajib upon him. 

If unmarried men first make marriage wajib upon themselves by developing fear of sin and then they are unable to get married because of family/society pressures, then they could be questioned why they made marriage obligatory upon themselves in the first place. So the ideal situation should be that men who find it difficult to get married anytime soon, should not make marriage obligatory on themselves, because they would then find themselves in a position where they will not only have to face the grief of having the fear of sinning but also the grief of not being able to fulfill something which is wajib for them. So, when marriage isn't possible...then there should be no fear of sin either. 

This is one angle to look at the fatwa which makes marriage wajib. Of course, there can be other angles too. 

But the jist is that when people cannot get married, then they should be extra-extra-extra careful that they suppress their sexual desires to such low levels, that even the fear of sin does not arise.... because otherwise they would make something wajib upon themselves which they will not find easy to fulfill. 

Edited September 7, 2021 by Maisam Haider

[Abu Hadi]

On 9/7/2021 at 12:16 PM, Maisam Haider said:

Agree with everything you said brother Abu Hadi. 

Regarding the fatwa...I consider it this way:

If a man knows that it is easily possible for him to get married as soon as he wishes, without any hurdles, then it is not a matter of concern if he develops fear of sin by being unmarried - because the solution for that fear (marriage) is available to him. He will follow the fatwa that he has to get married if he develops fear of sin and the issue will be solved. 

But when a man knows that he will not be able to get married easily, because of severe resistance from family/society/circumstances etc., and it may take him months-years to get married, then he actually shouldn't develop fear of sin. Because fear of sin makes marriage wajib and when the man knows that he will not be able to marry anytime soon, then he should not put himself in any situation where marriage becomes wajib upon him. 

If unmarried men first make marriage wajib upon themselves by developing fear of sin and then they are unable to get married because of family/society pressures, then they could be questioned why they made marriage obligatory upon themselves in the first place. So the ideal situation should be that men who find it difficult to get married anytime soon, should not make marriage obligatory on themselves, because they would then find themselves in a position where they will not only have to face the grief of having the fear of sinning but also the grief of not being able to fulfill something which is wajib for them. So, when marriage isn't possible...then there should be no fear of sin either. 

This is one angle to look at the fatwa which makes marriage wajib. Of course, there can be other angles too. 

But the jist is that when people cannot get married, then they should be extra-extra-extra careful that they suppress their sexual desires to such low levels, that even the fear of sin does not arise.... because otherwise they would make something wajib upon themselves which they will not find easy to fulfill. 

Ideally what you are saying is true, but the world where the norm is that the single man doesn't even fear doing haram, well, that is not the world we are living in. I wish it were.

We have to act based on 'facts on the ground'. The real facts. Not what we want them to be. The real facts are so obvious to everyone who has lived in the world and/ or been on ShiaChat for 5 minutes. How many topics do we have 'I am addicted to porn / masturbation' or 'I had a girlfriend / boyfriend and I want to end the relationship', etc. At least in the West, where I live, this is actually the norm. I am talking about muslims. not non muslims (non muslims have went way, way beyond this into corruption we can't even imagine). The only reason everyone does not realize that this is the norm is because either they don't want to see it or they don't want to admit it, believing that it would encourage the minority who is not doing this to do it. The topic of this thread is another proof. I have been on here long enough for most everyone to realize that I am definitely not encouraging the minority to do this, but I am merely stating a fact. So the norm is beyond fear of haram, it is actual haram. The fear of haram is for that minority group who has managed to hold out from doing haram despite the strong pull of society in the direction of haram. They are the ones who have managed to swim upstream against a strong current, may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) continue to bless them. 

The only way you can go forward toward a goal, either as an individual or a society, if first recognizing where you are (really) at currently. This is where we are at, unfortunately. We now need to figure out how to move forward. 

Edited September 9, 2021 by Abu Hadi

[Maisam Haider]

On 9/9/2021 at 3:56 PM, Abu Hadi said:

The fear of haram is for that minority group who has managed to hold out from doing haram despite the strong pull of society in the direction of haram. They are the ones who have managed to swim upstream against a strong current, may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) continue to bless them. 

If the people who aren't falling into sin, but just have the fear of haram, are the minority group, then who are those unmarried people who neither fall into haram, nor do they have any fear of haram? This is a very, very important group of unmarried men because the fatwa about marriage is actually and mainly directed at these men who don't sin and don't even fear sin either. 

The fatwa states: Marriage is recommended, unless there is fear of sin, in which case it becomes obligatory. 

This fatwa seems to show that the norm, or the default state is that an unmarried man neither commits sin nor has any fear of sin. This is how all unmarried man are expected to be,  from the way the fatwa is designed. For such a man, marriage is recommended. 

But the person who has fear of sin is considered an exception here, not the rule. The fearful man is already someone who has deviated from the standard group of men for whom marriage is recommended. 

The point is that the fatwa doesn't say that marriage is obligatory for every person who is baligh, unless he has no fear of sin - in that case, it is recommended to marry. 

The fatwa is the other way round and it is mainly addressing people who are unmarried and they don't sin and they also don't have any fear of sin. If such people are no where to be found, then why is the fatwa directed at them?  

Even people who don't sin but just have the fear of sin are technically one step behind the unmarried man who is fully chaste without any slightest chance of sin at all.

Should this not be the goal of an unmarried man.....to not just stop sinning, but also have no fear of sin either?...so that he is included in the standard category of men for whom marriage is recommended but not obligatory. 

Regardless of how difficult it may be to stay chaste, and how difficult it may be to get married or do mutah, the ideal unmarried muslim is the one who has no fear of sin. Since Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى). never tests anyone with a burden greater than what he can carry, and at the same time, Islamic law requires that unmarried men do not sin even if they have to stay unmarried for their entire lives, it means that it must be possible to stay unmarried for very long periods and still neither sin nor have any desire to sin. 

So if an unmarried man develops fear of sin, he should look at where he has gone wrong... because he could have been a man who is so pious that he doesn't even fear sin. If he hasn't become a man like that, then he should blame himself rather than blaming the society. 

Edited September 10, 2021 by Maisam Haider

[Labyika ya Khamenei]

Try reading Quran everyday watch lots of religious stuff, stop watching videos that has females half naked like, snapchat tiktok should be avoided since there's female half naked so you stop thinking about masturbation. if your parents don't let you marry and marriage saves you from sinning you can marry without your parents permission but got forgot make sure you are ready for example finical, ready to be a dad, ready to handle arguments etc. Don't forget to do tuba, don't message her since you said 5 to year 6 until you can get married, you shouldn't message any girl if there's no family involved because youse aren't alone there's a devil with youse. May Allah guide us, May Allah grant us highest level of Jannah, May Allah Appear Imam Mahdi (ajtf). 

[Abu Hadi]

On 9/10/2021 at 5:15 PM, Maisam Haider said:

If the people who aren't falling into sin, but just have the fear of haram, are the minority group, then who are those unmarried people who neither fall into haram, nor do they have any fear of haram? This is a very, very important group of unmarried men because the fatwa about marriage is actually and mainly directed at these men who don't sin and don't even fear sin either. 

The fatwa states: Marriage is recommended, unless there is fear of sin, in which case it becomes obligatory. 

This fatwa seems to show that the norm, or the default state is that an unmarried man neither commits sin nor has any fear of sin. This is how all unmarried man are expected to be,  from the way the fatwa is designed. For such a man, marriage is recommended. 

But the person who has fear of sin is considered an exception here, not the rule. The fearful man is already someone who has deviated from the standard group of men for whom marriage is recommended. 

The point is that the fatwa doesn't say that marriage is obligatory for every person who is baligh, unless he has no fear of sin - in that case, it is recommended to marry. 

The fatwa is the other way round and it is mainly addressing people who are unmarried and they don't sin and they also don't have any fear of sin. If such people are no where to be found, then why is the fatwa directed at them?  

 

I am not saying they are nowhere to be found, I said they are more or less rare, depending on where you live and what environment you are in. 

For example, a marjaa' taqleed, who lives in Qum or Najaf, was raised in a family of Sadat, is in a pure environment with no haram around him, then in that situation, yes, there are probably many who are in that situation of being single with no fear of committing haram. The vast majority of Shia in the world don't live in that situation. They live in London or New York or Singapore, Karachi, Tehran, Beirut, etc, where haram is all around them and they are surrounded on every side by people who are either non practicing muslims or in the case of those who live in the West, non muslims. So the majority of the people around them have absolutely no respect for mahram / non mahram, halal and haram. In that situation, in which the vast majority of Shia live in, is it any surprise to you that they would fall into sin because of not being married. Add on top of that Internet / Social Media in which every kind of haram is only a click away, and you can come to understand what the situation is. 

The marjaa' and those directly around them, and maybe even some fortunate brothers and sisters on ShiaChat are living in environments and places like the marjaa are living in and their situation is similar to theirs, i..e surrounded by Shia who are practicing and in a place where the government and society respects the norms of Islam as taught by Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام)). A t the same time, they need to understand that they are a small minority amoung the followers of Ahl Al Bayt((عليه السلام)) and they would not assume that everyone or even most live the life that they live. 

 

[Maisam Haider]

I fully understand what you are saying.

Actually my comments were actually a question, rather than a comment. The question is directed at the way the fatwa is designed. 

If most shia unmarried men are those who are either falling into sin or at least have fear that they might sin, then the fatwa should address this majority and it could be something like: 

It is obligatory to get married for everyone, unless a person has no fear of sinning (and in this case it is still recommended). 

But the actual fatwa appears to show that the normal/default/standard condition of an unmarried man is that he doesn't have any fear of sin. If he develops the fear, he becomes an exception to the rule. 

So my question is....if the fatwa considers unmarried men with no fear of sinning as the standard type of men, then is this the type that an unmarried person should aim for ? 

Does Islam want that ideally an unmarried man should not have any fear of sin? If yes, then the target and goal of all unmarried men should be that if they cannot get married anytime soon, then they should not just avoid sin, they should even have no fear of sinning either. 

I'm not claiming this is the correct interpretation of what Islam actually demands and expects from unmarried men. But it appears to me (and I may be mistaken) that the fatwa is designed to highlight this point. 

[Maisam Haider]

17 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

In that situation, in which the vast majority of Shia live in, is it any surprise to you that they would fall into sin because of not being married.

Not a surprise at all. It's completely understandable. But when it comes down to Islamic law, we see that the law does not consider any of these issues as a valid excuse or any justifiable reason to sin.

Even if a man lives in the West and is surrounded by intense sexual temptations from all sides....and even if he can neither get married nor do mutah.....and even if he has to stay like this for months-years without finding any halal opportunity to fulfill natural sexual urge...... Even then he can still not justify to commit a single sexual sin in all his unmarried life. If he does it even once, he would have crossed the limits; he would be considered a transgressor and a criminal as per Islamic law. 

We know that Allah talla never tests anyone with a burden greater than what he can carry. So, if a man is facing all these temptations and can't get married, he still cannot claim that he has any justification for sin. 

So....no matter how difficult the society may be, a man must be able to reduce his sexual desire to the point that he doesn't sin despite all the temptations. If he sins, then he is himself a culprit. Of course, Allah is most forgiving but the man should accept that he is a criminal if he sins. 

This is one way to look at it. But many people look at it the other way - which is to think that sexual desire is so strong that if it doesn't get fulfilled, then it is impossible to avoid sin, especially in the West. But is this a correct way to think about it because this tends to shift the blame away from the individual and puts it on the natural urge and the society?