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AkhiraisReal

Lack of proper hijabis, should I marry non Muslim

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Salam.

In the area where I live, there are not many Muslims. And the ones that are Muslim don't have proper hijab. There is always something, either from exposing pants or little hair showing or lack of social hijab. I am not Mr.. perfect, I have many areas I need to work on myself, but if I am going to marry a Muslim woman I want her to have proper physical and social hijab because that marriage will most likely be a nikah(permanent marriage).

I am looking for halal relationship, whether Nikah or mutah. I am mostly looking into mutah since I don't think I will find a Nikah wife for some time. I want to protect my deen and don't want shaytan in my life. We all have our physical needs, and I want to fulfill that need in halal way, which is marriage.

I have been looking for some woman and talked to them, but I also feel bad doing that. They might be able to help my protect 50% of my deen, but they might also destroy 50% of my other deen. The woman I have been looking for and talked to are just normal woman, yoga pants, exponsing pants, exposing shirts etc you name it.

I am in a big dilemma. I have no idea what to do.

Marrying non Muslims might solve some of our needs, but they also bring other problems with them. I know that aytaullahs say it's allowed to marry ahlul kitab. But are there any ahlul kitab in todays world? are ahlul kitab, todays Christians that believe God has a son? and I am going to take them as my wife.....

I feel like marrying non Muslim I will let go Ahlul Bayt, and let them down. But at the same time if I don't marry, I am afraid shaytan is going to attack me. You guys might suggest patience and prayers and duas, but it isn't easy. Our physical drive (probably the only reason I want to get married for) is probably the strongest drive we have.

It's Muharram soon, please brothers and sisters pray for me and pray for our other brothers and sisters to never let go of Ahlul Bayt no matter what we have to go through.

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6 minutes ago, notme said:

Let me get this straight: because the muslimas who you meet do not have perfect hijab, you want to marry a woman who has no hijab at all? I'm confused. What is your motivation?

Sounds weird? 

Yes. Because I want to marry someone with proper hijab permanently. But someone with no hijab only temporary to fulfill desires 

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32 minutes ago, notme said:

Ah, that makes more sense.

Be honest about your intentions and don't break any hearts. I wish you success if God wills it.

well that's another dilemma. In temporary marriages most likely hearts are going to get broken. Because it's temporarily. And if I tell a woman I will only be with you to fulfill my desires, you think she will marry me? no.

If I tell her my honesty, that I will marry her temporarily for some few months, and then maybe permanently if she becomes Muslim and follows the rules and wajibas. Do you think she will marry me now? most likely no.

so there are dilemmas upon dilemmas.......

If I am 100% sure hearts are going to get broken, am I still allowed to enter temporarily marriage without telling them that I might not be going 100% in the relationship and that I am only doing this to fulfill desires. But if you would like to be my wife for longer time or permanent then you must become Muslim and follow the wajibas. But obviously if I say that in the beginning stage, she most likely is going to reject me.  I sound like a monster. But this is the dilemma I am facing.

 

Edited by AkhiraisReal

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1 hour ago, notme said:

So you're saying you want to use and mislead someone? No I can't recommend that. How would you feel if someone did the same to you? Always treat people the way you would want to be treated.

Just be honest. If Allah wills and you do the work, you'll find someone suitable. If not, consider the temporary celibacy to be your trial.

I would feel really bad if it happened to me or someone I knew.

 

25 minutes ago, starlight said:

In other words "I am not Mr....Perfect but yet I demand someone who is perfect and expect my permanent wife to be perfect" 

Brother, a word of advice for you. I have been reading your posts. You need to learn a lot about understanding humans and respecting women before you should marry or you can end up harming yourself and another person. 

maybe I have many expectations on my permanent wife, but there is a very good reason. You see, this permanent wife is going to carry my child some day, and she will nurture that child for 9 months straight. What if I worry that my child will be mislead, if the mother is not in proper physical and social hijab, what if my daughter will not do the same. What if my son don't find it important on his wife. Or what if my wife actually manages to convince me that it's not important.

You see if we as men are not strong in our believe then someone most likely a woman (since we men are weak for woman) will mislead us.

Edited by AkhiraisReal

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24 minutes ago, starlight said:

In other words "I am not Mr...Perfect but yet I demand someone who is perfect and expect my permanent wife to be perfect" 

Brother, a word of advice for you. I have been reading your posts. You need to learn a lot about understanding humans and respecting women before you should marry or you can end up harming yourself and another person. 

Besides I think I have more respect for woman than most people here have.

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5 minutes ago, starlight said:

Are you, who is going to impregnate the wife and donate half your DNA, perfect? Would you be able to give a perfectly healthy, emotionally supportive and spiritually nourishing home environment to your wife while she is carrying your baby? What if your are constantly criticising your wife and they pick this up from you? What if your daughter feels put off from Hijab because of your nitpicking your wife about it as in if accidentally she shows a strand of her hair? What if they learn some of your less than perfect religious practices??

You are very correct. They will pick from us men too.

but what is your point? shall I not have social and physical hijab as a requirement to be my permanent wife?

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Wa alaykum salam.

If we lack in sincerity,if we are not open heart toward the person that we want to marry(not about haram of the past cause this do not have to be discosed at all),so if you are going to lack sincerity,I think you are going to facr the consequence of it on yourself for so much time.If the other person is sincer and we are not with that person,this can result in rolling down for us very badly!

And do not look at exterior aspect so much,like a diamond or a gem,do not look at what is know when you find it,look if is a gem,a piece that need to be treated the right way to shine so much!

Look at the sincerity(of her) and first of all,if you can image her to be the mother of your children In Sha Allah!If you'll think about this aspect,if her can be the mother of your children In Sha Allah,you are going to solve the search,In Sha Allah!

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15 minutes ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

Do wish OP would change his avatar to something random. Dislike having to mentally associate Shaikh Zakzaky with this guy's views and posts.

Any suggestions? Even though it's off topic.

Edited by AkhiraisReal

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Salam brother. 

You sound so entitled that it's actually worrisome that you will drag a woman into this mess. As others have mentioned before, perfect hijab isn't the be all and end all of a perfect wife. There's a chance she may do proper hijab but hates your parents, or she does proper hijab but doesn't want to do any household work (or asks you for money to do them as is her right). How would you feel then? You need to realize that humans aren't perfect. You sound very naive and I feel you're not emotionally ready to be a husband. 

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14 minutes ago, starlight said:

You should, but with the realization that she isn't going to be perfect. She is a human being and prone to negligence and making mistakes. There are other things to be kept in mind when looking for a good Islamic wife. How is her akhlaq? Is she open to learning about religion? (and there will be mistakes on the way) Is she materialistic? spendthrift? selfish? arrogant? someone not capable of showing empathy and mercy? What if her religious practices are better than yours and she starts openly critcising or showing disdain for you and your family for yours? What if she does not just Hijab but also a perfect niqab yet is unable to forgive you for your little everyday mistakes (and everyone of us commits those)  ?

it's never going to be perfect since we are fallible, but many things can still be done. All the things that you mentioned is part of the social hijab. thank you for the input anyways. Always good to learn from the Shia sisters too.

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1 hour ago, AkhiraisReal said:

I would feel really bad if it happened to me or someone I knew.

 

maybe I have many expectations on my permanent wife, but there is a very good reason. You see, this permanent wife is going to carry my child some day, and she will nurture that child for 9 months straight. What if I worry that my child will be mislead, if the mother is not in proper physical and social hijab, what if my daughter will not do the same. What if my son don't find it important on his wife. Or what if my wife actually manages to convince me that it's not important.

You see if we as men are not strong in our believe then someone most likely a woman (since we men are weak for woman) will mislead us.

Brother you're worried about your future child's Iman, but you're not worried about the very real possibility of having a baby with the non-Muslim woman in a mutah marriage, and said woman has a good chance of never becoming Muslim? Some women have gotten pregnant using both the pill and protection before, while the chance of pregnancy is small even in that case, you never know if the woman you're in mutah with doesn't try to trap you into financially supporting her for years and years by intentionally getting pregnant. Unless you're okay with a non-Muslim having equal say in raising a potential child and providing financial assistance to do your duty as a father, then you really need to consider if mutah is right for you. And if you are looking to marry a practicing muslima for a long term marriage, some don't look favorably on men who have had mutah, and if you have a child too, and some of those who have never had kids won't be interested in you. 

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5 minutes ago, AkhiraisReal said:

it's never going to be perfect since we are fallible, but many things can still be done. All the things that you mentioned is part of the social hijab. thank you for the input anyways. Always good to learn from the Shia sisters too.

Salam when you have access to marry or do mutah with a Muslim woman it's not moral & true to do mutah with non Muslim woamn even Muslim woman doesn't has proper Hijab & there is many cases that Muslim women fixed their Hijab after marrying .

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4 minutes ago, Ashvazdanghe said:

Salam when you have access to marry or do mutah with a Muslim woman it's not moral & true to do mutah with non Muslim woamn even Muslim woman doesn't has proper Hijab & there is many cases that Muslim women fixed their Hijab after marrying .

I have never seen that myself in my entire life. I have seen many many of the opposite though.

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11 minutes ago, Lilly14 said:

Brother you're worried about your future child's Iman, but you're not worried about the very real possibility of having a baby with the non-Muslim woman in a mutah marriage, and said woman has a good chance of never becoming Muslim? Some women have gotten pregnant using both the pill and protection before, while the chance of pregnancy is small even in that case, you never know if the woman you're in mutah with doesn't try to trap you into financially supporting her for years and years by intentionally getting pregnant. Unless you're okay with a non-Muslim having equal say in raising a potential child and providing financial assistance to do your duty as a father, then you really need to consider if mutah is right for you. And if you are looking to marry a practicing muslima for a long term marriage, some don't look favorably on men who have had mutah, and if you have a child too, and some of those who have never had kids won't be interested in you. 

there are many halal ways to fulfill the desires. But I get your point

Edited by AkhiraisReal

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Lol this guy is just trolling us, come on. He talks about wanting the perfect wife in hijab because of the children and in the same sentence talks about marrying non-Muslim women? Because the children, right? 

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14 minutes ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Lol this guy is just trolling us, come on. He talks about wanting the perfect wife in hijab because of the children and in the same sentence talks about marrying non-Muslim women? Because the children, right? 

Never said anything about perfect hijab. Just proper physical and social hijab if I am going to marry them permanently. Is it too much to ask for? I wish I was trolling. 

Edited by AkhiraisReal

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2 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

He talks about wanting the perfect wife in hijab because of the children and in the same sentence talks about marrying non-Muslim women?

I think you missed this bit:

7 hours ago, AkhiraisReal said:

Yes. Because I want to marry someone with proper hijab permanently. But someone with no hijab only temporary to fulfill desires 

I've not read enough of the OPs other posts on other threads to come to a view on his overall disposition, but the line of enquiry in this thread seems sincere enough to me and even if it is not, I can imagine that other brothers may face a similar dilemma and set of choices.

Edited by Haji 2003

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2 hours ago, AkhiraisReal said:

what is your point? shall I not have social and physical hijab as a requirement to be my permanent wife?

A woman should observe social and physical hijab first and foremost for Allah. Not for a husband. Not for parents. Not for society. The path to God is a personal path that is an inner process. We are never perfect from the beginning and maybe we will still not be perfect when the day comes. That is why we will always need Gods forgiveness.
Have you thought about that maybe if you find some one you think is a pious woman who observe social and physical hijab whom you marry and have children with, but after some time she take of the hijab and become an ex-Muslim? You can not own other people. All have their own path. Some will go astray and you can not stop them or know in advance.

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Ws,

Unless the sisters are relaying the message of the holy Qur'an, hadiths from Ahlul Bayt(عليه السلام) or the words of learnt scholars on this matter, I would advise you not to take their personal opinions on male related issues too seriously. 

It would be like a group of zebras lecturing a crocodile on how to eat and what to eat. They both get hungry and need food, but that's about where the resemblances stop.

 

As for your problems, I would personally advise you to:

1. Move to a place with more and hopefully better Muslims if possible.

2. If you can’t, then put the word out there that you are seeking a good Muslim wife, tell the sheikhs of the masjids in your town.

3. If nobody helps you with finding a good Muslim wife for marriage and you can’t find anyone yourself where you live, then look for a wife abroad or in other cities.

4. In the meanwhile do your best to have sabr, if your run out of sabr then do whatever you can to protect yourself from haram.

5. Find a Ahlul Kitab for time based marriage, no need for lies, you can say you want to get to know her and in fact she might be a very good human who might become Muslim in the future. Thats how many revert women became Muslims from my observations, through relationships with a Muslim man.

 

I don’t know how liberal ahlul kitab are where you live but where I live its not that strange for them to enter relationships without the initial hope of getting married in their sense and having kids and growing old. Most of them try to be/live with another person without commitments before they decide.

Whatever you do, protect yourself from haram, whether thats lying or other haram.

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Guest Valor

He's just seeking a partner that dresses very modestly, what's wrong with that? And with regards to the Muta thing, that's just..........NO. 

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1 hour ago, 2Timeless said:

It is, when you admittedly do not have perfect social or physical hijab.

This just sounds like another Shia man trying to justify his desire to use an "imperfect" non Muslim woman until he finds his perfect, innocent and naive permanent wife. 

Edit- also, do you think every single modestly dressed hijabi lady will accept you? Just like you have demands so do other women. You can simply ask the women on here (most of whom dress modestly) and alot of us will say that we wouldn't accept a man who expects perfection (which is in itself impossible) when he himself is not perfect. 

I was thinking the same thing lol. Most Muslimas/their families turn down many suitors before finding a suitor that is **simply** promising enough to give a chance and meet in person.

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2 hours ago, Soldiers and Saffron said:

It would be like a group of zebras lecturing a crocodile on how to eat and what to eat. They both get hungry and need food, but that's about where the resemblances stop.

This analogy is disturbing, but the advice given in the post is very good.

 

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6 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

Lol this guy is just trolling us, come on.

He's not trolling. He's just a young person who lacks wisdom. Be kind.

Wanting a wife with hijab is not unreasonable. Expecting perfection will cause him much loneliness, which will give him time to work on improving himself, if he takes the opportunity.

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Dear OP,

You can choose to do Mut'a, but you do have to be honest with the woman. The rules of Mut'a does require you to have a start and end date, and you also have to give her a dowry that you agree upon. You also need to communicate to her that after the end date she needs to do Iddah of 3 menstrual cycles where she cannot be with another man. You have to let her know all those things.  If she doesn't accept any of those, then obviously no contract.

If you don't tell her any of the above and you go and have a relationship with her, then it's zina, not mut'a. 

Here's a link that gives the full details of contracting a Mut'a:  https://www.al-Islam.org/muta-temporary-marriage-Islamic-law-sachiko-murata/four-pillars-muta

As for the type of permanent wife you are looking for, u are free to want to be with whoever you want. Focus on bettering yourself for Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) and pray to Him that He gives you a suitable partner that is best for you, and Insha Allah you won't go wrong.

May Allah make it easy for us all. Amin.

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11 hours ago, AkhiraisReal said:

Salam.

In the area where I live, there are not many Muslims. And the ones that are Muslim don't have proper hijab. There is always something, either from exposing pants or little hair showing or lack of social hijab. I am not Mr... perfect, I have many areas I need to work on myself, but if I am going to marry a Muslim woman I want her to have proper physical and social hijab because that marriage will most likely be a nikah(permanent marriage).

I am looking for halal relationship, whether Nikah or mutah. I am mostly looking into mutah since I don't think I will find a Nikah wife for some time. I want to protect my deen and don't want shaytan in my life. We all have our physical needs, and I want to fulfill that need in halal way, which is marriage.

I have been looking for some woman and talked to them, but I also feel bad doing that. They might be able to help my protect 50% of my deen, but they might also destroy 50% of my other deen. The woman I have been looking for and talked to are just normal woman, yoga pants, exponsing pants, exposing shirts etc you name it.

I am in a big dilemma. I have no idea what to do.

Marrying non Muslims might solve some of our needs, but they also bring other problems with them. I know that aytaullahs say it's allowed to marry ahlul kitab. But are there any ahlul kitab in todays world? are ahlul kitab, todays Christians that believe God has a son? and I am going to take them as my wife.....

I feel like marrying non Muslim I will let go Ahlul Bayt, and let them down. But at the same time if I don't marry, I am afraid shaytan is going to attack me. You guys might suggest patience and prayers and duas, but it isn't easy. Our physical drive (probably the only reason I want to get married for) is probably the strongest drive we have.

It's Muharram soon, please brothers and sisters pray for me and pray for our other brothers and sisters to never let go of Ahlul Bayt no matter what we have to go through.

Sorry to break it you but it's not that easy to find that perfect hijabi woman of your dreams. So you're going to trick a woman and coerce her into mut'ah; and then just dump her away like a piece of paper when you finally end up finding the girl up to your standards? No it doesn't work like that. And what happens if you have a child with her? What will you do then, and how will you raise him/her knowing the mother isn't Muslim? And I don't think any woman would want to marry a man who has this type of mindset. Marrying a non Muslim can complicate things, be it mut'ah or permanent marriage.

I get it that you want to protect your deen and not fall into haram, but this isn't the right mindset for marriage. It isn't just about fulfillment of desires. 

 

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I can see that majority of the responses have come from the Shia sisters. Very few of the brothers have replied.

Are all brothers in shiachat married or have they just given up.

No brothers in shiachat that's in similar situation? or you guys accept your wife walking around with no hijab, as long as everything else is good such as akhlaaq etc.

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