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In the Name of God بسم الله
Sumerian

Relying and following parents in marriage

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Some people are of the opinion that a parents of a married person should not dictate his or her relationship. And while I agree no one has the right to "dictate" (extreme word), - but I do believe one's parents, especially mother, has the complete right to intervene when ever they see fit. 

I'm not married btw. But if I do get married I don't believe I have the courage to tell my parents, ESPECIALLY my Mum, to not get involved. No way. Nor should I even want to have this "courage".

Thoughts?

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You'll learn, inshallah . . . and probably the hard way.  :hahaha:

Jump ahead, say, 25 years. Your child and their spouse are arguing. You ask what's going on.

"He/She/lt put the bread in the toaster upside down."

"l toast my own bread because He/She/lt always burns it."

 

So, Sumerian, how do you intervene?

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Please, please for the love of God, do not bring your mother in the middle of your future relationship —or really, your relationship in general. 

I’m not saying your mother shouldn’t have any say in giving her opinion on the marriage process, but there are plenty of mothers, who are very kind and caring and want the best for you... until things get real and you’ve made a commitment to marry someone. Then the claws come out (or after you’re married) Not necessarily at you, but directed at the bride or the future bride to be.

Trying to drive a wedge between you and she. Or making snide comments about her appearance, her hijab, her personality—anything. Then you are stuck in the middle and that’s when the meddling really begins. Basically, when their sons get married, many mothers will want her son and the future spouse to be close, but not too close. They become uncomfortable with you having another woman in your life. 

If you let your mom meddle in the process of finding a spouse, you bet that “monster-in-law” behavior will come out. Limit her influence on the process. You never want a future mother-in-law to be too involved in a process like this. I am telling you so you can be aware. Besides, many Middle Eastern moms like having their son obey whatever they say and to keep them co-dependent or be too open with regards to your marriage. 

Mother-in-laws do not have a right to intervene. This is what causes problems between you and your future spouse. If you allow or believe your mother has a right to intervene, she will cross boundaries and this will destroy your marriage. Your wife will feel like you don’t have her back. Your loyalty will be with your wife when you’re married. Not with your parents. 

This doesn’t happen to just one or two people—this type of behavior transcends nationality and backgrounds. Do not involve your mother or allow her to control you in your relationship. Never overshare about your future marriage — it will be used against you.

I just gave you the secrets of “girl code talks”. How to be Married 101: always side with your wife. Even if you disagree, support her in front of your family and your friends, and you’ll have the happiest, most loving marriage with minimal problems. You can thank me in 5-10 years. 

 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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@Islandsandmirrors thank you for your comment sister, I have a few points -

1) My parents have more life experience than me though. Why would I not welcome their intervention? 

2) Getting married does not mean now my obedience level to my parents should drop.

3) I think the whole wife vs mother-in-law thing is sensationalised. It sure happens and especially in Middle Eastern households, but not to the extent it is portrayed. This isn't a boxing ring.

4) What does "always agree with your wife mean"? Does that mean I am expected to "okay" wrong actions? What if my future wife did an incorrect thing, can I not point it out?

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6 hours ago, hasanhh said:

You'll learn, inshallah . . . and probably the hard way.  :hahaha:

Jump ahead, say, 25 years. Your child and their spouse are arguing. You ask what's going on.

"He/She/lt put the bread in the toaster upside down."

"l toast my own bread because He/She/lt always burns it."

 

So, Sumerian, how do you intervene?

don’t get it brò

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Just now, Sumerian said:

don’t get it brò

You will when you get marred.

The same with husband, wife and in-law jokes. You do not understand them until you have been through the trials of being marred.

Old people do not call marred life "the Eternal Battle" just for no ___ dang reason.

The example l gave illustrates the stupid kind of arguments spouses get into --usually as a substitute for other disagreements and to express their individual frustrations and animosities towards their other.

Q: And you want parents and in-laws complicating this?   

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I do think it is wiser to involve parents in the process because even if you do not involve them, those who wish to bring out the claws will do so at any time. And even if you have involved them, a non interfering parent will not interfere, ever, in a marriage but may intervene incase it is needed e.g incase of an incident involving abuse, shirking of responsibilities , or helping out to raise the kids so the young(er) couple get time to bond, study, work etc.

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6 hours ago, Sumerian said:

 

@Islandsandmirrors thank you for your comment sister, I have a few points -

1) My parents have more life experience than me though. Why would I not welcome their intervention? 

2) Getting married does not mean now my obedience level to my parents should drop.

 

 

No problem, @Sumerian. To answer your points:

1. Simple: in-laws, primarily the husband’s parents, will mostly intervene and inevitably meddle because the sons allow them to. It’s because a son never puts proper boundaries in place for when a new bride enters into the family. Just because they have more life experience does not give them the right to intervene within your marriage. 

Many in-laws won’t have the best interest of their son when he gets married. They don’t care about making sure their son’s relationship remains happy. This is because when in-laws intervene, they aren’t thinking about their son and his happiness—all they will thinking about is how to make things difficult between the bride. Wether in big or small ways—it doesn’t matter. They don’t want the bride to be happy, to have better things in life. 

2. You should not obey your parents the way you’d obey your wife. Biggest mistake of your life. When someone gets married, man or woman, their loyalty and their spouse comes first. Drama ensures when you obey your parents as if you are still unmarried. Be an independent man, emotionally speaking, from your parents.

Yes, be kind and good to your parents, be there for them like any son would, but you never have to obey them after you’re married. 

 

6 hours ago, Sumerian said:

) I think the whole wife vs mother-in-law thing is sensationalised. It sure happens and especially in Middle Eastern households, but not to the extent it is portrayed. This isn't a boxing ring.

4) What does "always agree with your wife mean"? Does that mean I am expected to "okay" wrong actions? What if my future wife did an incorrect thing, can I not point it out?

3. Lol that’s what I thought too. But trust me, even the less meddling types will display this sort of behavior, to varying degrees. The wife doesn’t necessarily have to do anything to provoke any sort of reaction—mostly, it’s because in-laws, no matter how good or bad, will not be able to stand, deep down, their son having a woman that isn’t immediate family into his life. They will not be able to stand you giving someone else attention. 

The in-laws believe along the lines of this, “I raised my son to obey me. I raised him. So he needs to obey whatever I say. I know his weak spots to get him to keep him emotionally dependent. I do all the raising just to have another woman swoop him up and become his everything? Not if I can help it.” They don’t often want or try to get a couple to divorce, but rather, they just want there to be constant tension between you and your future wife. So that you’ll view your wife as a source of stress, not realizing that likely in-laws are the ones creating stress and the problems from behind the scenes.

Now, some mother-in-laws are so obvious in their stunts. Others are way more sneaky about it. 

 

4. When I say to agree with your wife, I mean that in front of your family, you’ll agree with her. That you will stand by her side. That to your family you will be seen as a unit, with a unified front. This doesn’t mean that you’ll be okay with everything she does. This means that in front of your family, you two do not point out each other’s mistakes, flaws, things you’ve done wrong or the things you don’t agree with. Same thing for a wife in front of her parents.  

Disagree with her when you are alone. Never point these things out in front of your parents. You could say, “I didn’t agree when you said x, y, z back there, but I didn’t say anything in front of my parents because I knew that it wasn’t the right time or place for it.” If you are not presented as a unified front, in-laws will begin to meddle in extremely toxic ways. 

Problems between the wife and her in-laws would never be there or would be there to a lesser degree if only a son is 1. Aware enough to detect the behavior in his family 2. Able to maintain boundaries when they cross the line 3. When you have your wife’s back. 90% of problems wouldn’t be there because you wouldn’t give them the opportunity to meddle when you are your wife are a solid team. When in-laws see that they can pit you against her, that’s when they will emotionally and sometimes even financially take advantage of their son. 

 

Edited by Islandsandmirrors

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16 minutes ago, Sumerian said:

You raise some really interesting points but I really can't imagine my own mother like that. It's hard for me to see it like this sister.

:furious:"You seein' any better now?"

Edited by hasanhh

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4 minutes ago, hasanhh said:

:furious:"You seein' any better now?"

Brò thats the woman that raised me my whole life and did everything to ensure I was living my day to day as a comfortable person, and now she doesn't care about my happiness, and will try to make my marriage stressful?

Man that seems too generalised. Sister @Islandsandmirrors maybe this is the behaviour of SOME in laws. Surely it cannot be all of them? 

Edited by Sumerian

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@Sumerian  Here is a short story. l remember it. There was this conversation, at one point one of the several daughters-in-law said,

Happiness is "seeing your mother-in-law drive off a cliff in her new Cadillac."

 

6 minutes ago, Sumerian said:

Brò thats the woman that raised me my whole life and did everything to ensure I was living my day to day as a comfortable person, and now she doesn't care about my happiness, and will try to make my marriage stressful?

 YES    at 90+% level

Man that seems too generalised. Sister @Islandsandmirrors maybe this is the behaviour of SOME in laws. ...

......Surely it cannot be all of them? 

Well, not the dead ones.

:threatenlumber:"I guess Sumerian needs an education before it is too late."

Edited by hasanhh
punctuation

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27 minutes ago, Sumerian said:

ou raise some really interesting points but I really can't imagine my own mother like that. It's hard for me to see it like this sister.

Let’s pray and hope that your mother won’t act like this so long as you set boundaries and present a unified front together. She will try and start some antics but might give up when she sees that you’re no longer under her thumb. 

 

9 minutes ago, Sumerian said:

Brò thats the woman that raised me my whole life and did everything to ensure I was living my day to day as a comfortable person, and now she doesn't care about my happiness, and will try to make my marriage stressful?

Of course she cares about you... but she will not care about your marriage because it’s not about you anymore. No mother, and I mean this, likes to see their son happy with a woman who isn’t them. 

She raised you and made sure you were comfortable. And happy. Now another woman, your future wife, is making sure you are comfortable and happy. Mother in laws will never, ever be 100% okay with that. Ever. They want their son for themselves. 

It’s being able to show the new bride who is boss. It’s no longer about you. It’s about angering the bride. I sent you a video on an unfortunately, a very common experience with in-laws. 

23 minutes ago, Sumerian said:

Man that seems too generalised. Sister @Islandsandmirrors maybe this is the behaviour of SOME in laws. Surely it cannot be all of them? 

Let me tell you: this is EVERY mother in law. Some might display less or more of this type of toxic behavior. But the effects are the same. Something happens when their son(s) get married and they just can’t take it. 

Be careful. Or else, this might be your future:

 

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You do realize it is quite common for mothers to be overly attached to their sons and actually get jealous of the attention new wives get at their expense?  It happens way more than you think.  As wise as older people are, they are still human and it's not easy for a lot of mothers to let their sons be truly independent.  Marriage is a huge change not only for you but also your current family.  At some point you have to chart your own course and make your own decisions.  This means playing a balancing act between the wife and mother.  It is extremely difficult to do at times and it's one of the primary reasons of discord and fights in marriages.  I can assure you the vast majority of women are not down with you just blindly accepting all your mothers dictates.

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Listen, as long as obedience to parents is concerned, there is nothing wrong in making decisions ourselves and dictating our own life. Our parents can't pamper us our whole lives, and marriage is a phase in life, where it's our turn to man up and make important decision. Of course, we should love our parents, visit them, care for them, help them, and even get their advice on matters. But ultimately we need to make decisions ourselves and create a new dream life with our spouses. I think Islam does give us that level of independence.

However, I don't agree that all parents will be uncomfortable and get jealous of the attention new wives get. I've had a conversation with my mum and she cares a lot about who I end up with. It really depends on who we pick as our spouse. If parents never liked the spouse you chose to start with, that's when parents act this way.

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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I hope you find a good balance! My uncles who were mommy's boys became "yes men" to their wives and their wive's families, and made their own mother (who has always been someone who minds her own buisness, never does ghaybah and tries to change to change the subject instead, etc) an afterthought. Reversely, except for my grandma, the women in my family all had abusive husbands, and the husbands were also "yes men" to their families, and made the wife and kids an afterthought. 

Edited by Lilly14

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There is a way to balance such a situation. You are correct in saying that your obedience and respect towards your parents shouldn't reduce, God forbid, after marriage. 

What's important is that from your side you don't initiate over involvement in your private affairs. Also don't get into the habit of discussing domestic issues with others, they have to be solved internally. This means you need to be discrete and cover the faults of your partner. 

Furthermore, for the future we must keep in mind that even if we allowed our parents to get involved due to respect and obedience, we shouldn't necessarily do the same thing when we have children of our own. 

Wallahu a'lam 

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