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In the Name of God بسم الله

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Mr. Islandsandmirrors is a very sociable, friendly dude. He wants to help people and goes often into “future therapist mode” where he attempts to fix everyone’s problems as well providing that space for anyone to just emotionally dump every problem onto him. (This is also an issue for me but that’s besides the point.) 

The point is that I think this excessive “space creating nonjudgmentally and openly” atmosphere that he creates attracts very needy and emotionally unhealthy individuals. I also have this tendency (although I’ve been learning how to put boundaries) and it became so unhealthy for me (I naturally absorb people’s emotions anytime I’m in a room and see through “the core” of others, not necessarily  what they say, or the masks they put on.) that I couldn’t tell the difference between my own emotions and the emotions of others and I always felt like I was drowning in other people’s problems. 

Anyhow, there in particular is a woman whom we all would hang out with in group settings that I last made a post on. She’s a chronic complainer and mostly complains to gain the sympathy of others so she’d embellish and exaggerate the truth and milk something just to see certain emotional reactions and for people to just care. (She said that after sitting on her computer for the whole day, her arm started hurting.) Now, I’m usually very empathic and never like to use the term “whining” in attempt to shut down someone’s feelings, but once I see someone is taking advantage emotionally of my creating a safe space and a listening ear, I tend to distance myself and indirectly call them out for it. 

For instance, when she complained that her husband said that she complains too much, (he’d ask her how her day would be when he would get home from work and she’d just start complaining about her body aches and pains and being always down.) I said, “well, why don’t you find something positive and happy to talk about when he gets home? Like a funny video you saw, or just not think about the pain and say, ‘I’m good.’?” And she gave me the nastiest look and started bawling her eyes out and screamed at me, “That’s not a real marriage! I shouldn’t have to LIE!”

Then she started talking about how she has lupus and fibromyalgia (and likely some personality disorder, I’m guessing.) and that it’s permanent and how her husband should never get angry or complain to her about anything that he finds frustrating. 

Mr. Islandsandmirrors said that her husband is just doing the best he can to take care of her. But I wasn’t so patient and could feel frustration creep into my voice when I said, “I know someone who has been married for over 30 years and also has to be taken care of. You think other people have never gotten frustrated in that time?” And she started to say something along the lines of that people being frustrated is crappy and that it’s wrong.

Furthermore, she has this problem where she seeks company of men, as in, she wants only male friends to emotionally take care of her. When I suggested that she find a women’s support group for trauma, she disagreed with me immediately and said that she doesn’t want to lose the male friend (whom she cheated with multiple times) when she was separated from her husband at the time. “Because he understands trauma”. Sure, lady. Because your stupid womanizer male friend is more important than your husband and you want to keep him in the back burner just in case. Stupid.

Sorry for writing a novel, but the same man she insists on staying friends with also gave her a couch. That’s still in her house. And her husband has a problem with that (obviously). I deliberately asked her, quite pointedly, “Why would he give you a couch? Why are you keeping it?” And her face was like, “oh crap, gotta think of some dumb excuse.” And said, “because I had just moved out and had no money.” lol. 

Jesus Christ, it was all incredibly frustrating and when I pretended to check my phone, Mr. Islandsandmirrors made an excuse so we could leave. This is just one example but there have been multiple people, wether men or women, who just milk something for sympathy/emotionally dump everything. How do Mr. Islandsandmirrors and I put up healthy boundaries in group settings before they start acting all needy? 

EDIT: I don’t know why “Mr......” has two periods instead of one. Maybe a programming typo/error? EDIT 2: now “Mr.....” has three periods when I only put one. 

Edited by Hameedeh
Typo removed. EDIT remains.

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I think this is the reason she doesn't share her problems with other women. Women usually form a team against one woman, that woman then becomes demsel in distress and looks for a knight in shining armor. In the above clip, I really don't see what was the fault of that poor girl. I think Tyra Banks just threw a tantrum to get high ratings for the show. Tyra Banks was so upset because that girl didn't cry. Everyone knows that women fake cry in reality shows. Secondly, since childhood we were taught to accept defeat graciously, so I don't see how this poor girl committed a crime by not crying which made Tyra so angry. I have been at the receiving end of women's wrath all my life. Some day when you will have kids or you will fail at something, then you will find yourself in same position and then you will understand. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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