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In the Name of God بسم الله
Sister79

Hard to walk away

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Salam.
Does he understand his faults & is willing to change himself?
Whats about your in laws? Specially father-in-law & mother-in-law?  Are they supportive towards you? Or they blindly supports him?
Set up a meeting involving guardians from both sides. See if it works, if he wishes to change then thats better for both you & the kids. Divorce can take a heavy toll on your kids. So it shouldn't be an option until everything fails.

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I'm so, so sorry sister! You don't deserve this! Sister, from your description your husband does pretty much what my own father would do to my mom. Not only that but your story sounds identical to most stories women share in the domestic violence support groups I'm in on social media. He has all the signs...making up lies to destroy your reputation and cheating (emotional abuse), financial abuse only towards you and the kids, physical abuse, neglecting his own wife and kids. He's possibly exposing you to STDS, if not worse too! Before you leave plan very carefully, research, ask around on domestic violence forums for guidance, and delete any search history and hide other traces of your plans so he never sees it coming. It's very important that you find a domestic violence advocate in your area, who are familiar with the laws and can guide you best. Collect as much evidence as you can against him, like take pictures of bruises, cuts you get, file a police report when you leave, file a protective order, etc. Abusers often seek out their victims to severly hurt them or kill them if they find out they've left, and they often make up lies and get good lawyers so they can get custody of the kids, even though they don't really care about the kids, they just do it to spite their ex-wife. Men like this sometimes don't even change after completing therapy. You could spend 20 more years with him and it will be the same thing, except then you're mind and body will be even more worn out from the abuse. Inshallah you and your children find peace. 

Edited by Lilly14

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Thank you for the replies, the sad truth is that I know I am not alone in a situation like this, I know many woman who are in the same shoes unfortunately, his family knows what he is doing and told him many times that it is wrong, but he just silence them by giving them money. He will not change, and he will not discuss, I tried that, but he got so angry, so I just stopped. 

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11 hours ago, Sister79 said:

Thank you for the replies, the sad truth is that I know I am not alone in a situation like this, I know many woman who are in the same shoes unfortunately, his family knows what he is doing and told him many times that it is wrong, but he just silence them by giving them money. He will not change, and he will not discuss, I tried that, but he got so angry, so I just stopped. 

Sister, I will say it loud and clear : DIVORCE HIM. 

Hes not going to change so easily, and from the looks of it it doesn’t seem like he’ll change at all. He’s been this way for a long time now. 

14 hours ago, Sister79 said:

As Salam Aleykom, 

I would like to ask for advice. It is very hard for me since I have never done this before but I feel that I am no longer able to carry on. I have been married for 13 years and have 4 beautiful children, Alhamdurilla. Our family is the perfect family to the outsiders, my husband is in a highflyer job earning huge amount of money, our children are good kids, but as I said it is only from the outside. During our marriage my husband, from his own fault have lost his entire money few times due to bad business deals, and we had to start everything from zero, I have never complained and never made him feel bad about it, I stood by him, I have never married him for his money or his good looks, I have always been there thick or thin. He was someone I looked up to I thought he will guide our family the right way, but unfortunately it is not the case. He very much changed during the years, family does not interest him other than paying the school fees and buying food. He is always angry at home, verbally and physically abusive, he controls everything by money, for us he is not happy to provide, but for his siblings the funds are unlimited. But this is something you could live with if there was love or care, or even respect, but there is none, we and especially myself I am dying for my husband`s effection, But there is none, I get only the degrading words, that I am useless and worthless, slowly he reduced my confidence to nothing. He has friends whom are neither married or have been divorced, they go on boys holiday and engage in mutah with prostitutes, my husband since we are married has done this at many times as I came to know just recently, that includes the times when we were newlyweds and when I was pregnant,  even during Muharram, it is absolutely heartbreaking, he justifies his actions making up stories about me to his friends, as I came to know, he portrays me as a horrible dirty person. I would have loved to feel loved by my husband I do not know how it feels like when your husband take you out for dinner, or speak to you with effection, how sad is that. From his wife he denies this but for the prostitutes he gives it freely. I have no respect left for him at all and I do not see it in me to stay, I hoped and prayed that he might change, I stayed to let my kids grow up in a family, but now I do not see any other way , other than leave with the children. But I am sad for them, they deserved better than this. May Allah give me guidance. 

Not only is it unfair for you, but also they’re children that they’d have to grow up with a careless father. Don’t just sit and wait and expect him to love and change you , I know it’s hard, but if it continues like that it will affect your mental health as well as your kids wellbeing. 

No one can change easily, I’m just saying. Maybe if he did have some faith, but it doesn’t seem like he has any of that either. And it’s okay for him to go out and marry prostitutes through mutah bc apparently Islam permits it. This is so wrong. Men can do whatever they want right? But it’s okay for him to point out your faults and make you seem like a dirty woman.

Honestly disgusting, and sorry to the males here, but I hope youse understand why a lot of us tend to label most men as “trash”.

I hope things get better for you inshallah 

fee amanillah

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1 hour ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

Sister, I will say it loud and clear : DIVORCE HIM. 

Reading the sister's story made me very upset as well. Especially mutah in Muharram while he has a Muslim wife at home... Absolutely heartbreaking.

But I would hesitate to say "Divorce him" as quickly as that. I definitely understand why she would. But if there is a way for them to reconcile and live happily then that would be sooo much better for the children. They would have smiles on their face and a father to support them while growing up.

Dear sister @Sister79, is it possible for him to promise:

- Treating you with respect and love

- Being responsible with the family income

- Being responsible with his role as a father

- Living based on the Qu'ran & Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام)

- Stoping with the mutahs

If he promises the above, then I advise you to give him a second chance. And if you talk nicely to him I am sure that there is a way he would accept; no man wants to lose his marriage and children.

Best of wishes to you, and praying for your family's happiness :)

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I don’t advise divorce for most married people, as I am married myself and there is a greater depth of commitment that perhaps some people who have never been married won’t understand, but honestly, sister, divorce might be your best option. 

But you have to create a plan to get away from your abusive husband. That’s the most important thing here. 

However, before divorcing him, I’d give him an ultimatum. Tell him that bankrolling his family stops or else he will lose you and his children. That unless he cuts them off financially you will leave and that he will never see his children again. Some men might consider changing their ways when they see you won’t put up with it. Or that you back down against conflict easily. I can’t for sure say that it will work for him, but it is an option to see if he willing to seriously mend his ways. 

If he flat out refuses after that ultimatum, then it’ll be clear that he doesn’t care at all. Also, don’t listen to his empty promises saying he will change and stop sending money to his family—he needs to show it by action. The ultimatum will also give you some peace of mind if you’re anxious or feel guilty for leaving him when you decide to (which you should never feel given that he has treated you poorly.) 

The end goal would be to divorce him and drag him to court to gain full custody of your children, with him having supervised visits (or no visits at all) since you said that he is verbally and physically abusive. When you do divorce, make sure you make it clear how badly he abused you and your children in court to ensure that you are granted full custody. 

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10 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

And it’s okay for him to go out and marry prostitutes through mutah bc apparently Islam permits it.

I don't think it is permitted.

May God help you Sister and grant you guidance.

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11 hours ago, Kaya said:

But I would hesitate to say "Divorce him" as quickly as that. I definitely understand why she would. But if there is a way for them to reconcile and live happily then that would be sooo much better for the children. They would have smiles on their face and a father to support them while growing up.

I partially agree. Even if he does change, what makes you think he will change forever? There is a possibility that he could fall back into his old habits, unless of course he is committed to supporting and caring for his family, and being stronger in his faith

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10 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

I don’t advise divorce for most married people, as I am married myself and there is a greater depth of commitment that perhaps some people who have never been married won’t understand, but honestly, sister, divorce might be your best option. 

But you have to create a plan to get away from your abusive husband. That’s the most important thing here. 

However, before divorcing him, I’d give him an ultimatum. Tell him that bankrolling his family stops or else he will lose you and his children. That unless he cuts them off financially you will leave and that he will never see his children again. Some men might consider changing their ways when they see you won’t put up with it. Or that you back down against conflict easily. I can’t for sure say that it will work for him, but it is an option to see if he willing to seriously mend his ways. 

If he flat out refuses after that ultimatum, then it’ll be clear that he doesn’t care at all. Also, don’t listen to his empty promises saying he will change and stop sending money to his family—he needs to show it by action. The ultimatum will also give you some peace of mind if you’re anxious or feel guilty for leaving him when you decide to (which you should never feel given that he has treated you poorly.) 

The end goal would be to divorce him and drag him to court to gain full custody of your children, with him having supervised visits (or no visits at all) since you said that he is verbally and physically abusive. When you do divorce, make sure you make it clear how badly he abused you and your children in court to ensure that you are granted full custody. 

I don’t think bankrolling his family is the greatest issue here, rather his failure to provide sukoon for his family through cheating, verbal, physical and emotional abuse and stinginess in providing for his wife and children. 

I am sorry for what you are going through sister, but you know best what your "threshold" is. Are you able to sustain yourself and your children financially incase of a divorce? Most men do their best not to provide after a divorce especially the kind who are stingy even while married to you.

May Allah bring you relief soon and guide you to the best decision and the best time to make that decision.

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20 minutes ago, habib e najjaar said:

I don’t think bankrolling his family is the greatest issue here, rather his failure to provide sukoon for his family through cheating, verbal, physical and emotional abuse and stinginess in providing for his wife and children. 

I am sorry for what you are going through sister, but you know best what your "threshold" is. Are you able to sustain yourself and your children financially incase of a divorce? Most men do their best not to provide after a divorce especially the kind who are stingy even while married to you.

May Allah bring you relief soon and guide you to the best decision and the best time to make that decision.

If she lives in the US and he does as well, he has to pay child support, based on stuff like how many kids he has, and how much he makes. Though it's not unheard of men finding loopholes, like permanently fleeing the country, or working illegally for years so the government thinks they are unemployed and doesn't make them pay. It's sick how they will condemn their own kids into poverty and all it's struggles and dangers just to spite their ex wife.

Edited by Lilly14

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salam. confronting him, ulatiums, cousneling will not work. I don't know which cultrue you are coming from, but it it is a fadl based cultrue as I suspect, he will most likely blame her and try to prevent preceived damage to his fadl by hurting her, taking the kids abroad, killing her etc. best to make a plan to get the kids well he is at work and go to a domestic violence shelter, make police report, file for divorce. parents may not be an option for her as unfornately in many of our cultrue it is ultimate shame for duaghters to return home, they may pressure her to go back for sake of fadl. 

may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) protect you sister. 

also as others hinted get an hiv/std screening no telling what he brought back from mutah with mashur mutazina nisatun

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1 hour ago, Guest To u said:

Hello yes I have a question here,do you guys agree with the concept of mutah?or are you just disagreeing that he shouldnt do it just cuz hes married?

According to my marja, a married man needs permission of his wife before taking a second (or subsequent) wife who is non-Muslim. It's generally safe to assume that prostitutes are not Muslim, nor even probably Ahlul Kitab.

Marriage, even temporary, is fine. Deception, exposure to risk of infection, and lying about her to his friends is not fine at all. And most likely his marriages are invalid anyway.

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Salam, 

First some housekeeping stuff. I have hidden or deleted posts that are Off Topic. This is not a thread about the permissibility of mutah with prostitutes. BTW, if a women is known for committing zina (adultry), I.e. a prostitute, mutah with that women is not allowed, even if she claims to be Muslima or Ahl Al Kitab, end of story. The only reason this is 'controversial' in the minds of some people, is because there are some on here, unfortunately, who like to believe things they have heard here and there, on Wikipedia, on some xyz esheik site, rather than go to the resalat of their marjaa or discuss this topic with a knowledgeable alim. 

To the OP, 

Divorce is an option, it shouldn't be your first option. It is very important, for the sake of your children, that you find someone in your local area who is trustworthy (I.e. who won't disclose your secrets or your husband's secrets to others) and knowledgeable regarding the religion of Islam and ask them if they could mediate between you and your husband and make some kind of a plan and come to an agreement as to how you will resolve these issue that you are having in your marriage. If you do this, an agreement is made, then your husband breaks the agreement, then at that point, divorce should be considered. 

I say this because when problems like this occur in a marriage, it is almost always the case that both spouses are doing things, or not doing things that they should do, that contribute to the 'downward spiral' of the marriage. It is very easy to look at the faults of others and judge (that is the easiest thing in the world to do), it is very difficult to look at one's own fault and judge oneself based on those faults. Most people go their entire lives only looking at the faults of others and not their own. You have given your perspective on the situation. We haven't heard your husband's perspective, and I'm sure he has one and his analysis of the issue would be different than yours. These issues should be discussed in private, with a trustworthy and knowledgeable person, and he goal should be to come to an understanding first, then an agreement between you and your husband about how to move forward in the relationship. You should disregard most of the advice you hear on this thread. Some people come here with 'pre built' agendas and have already decided in their minds what is the reality of your situation, although the information they are given is next to nothing (No offense, but a knowledgeable person would need alot more information than what you have given in order to even attempt to make a judgement or decision about what is going on with your marriage). It is not appropriate for Muslim/a s to make judgements with almost no information, but that doesn't stop them from doing it, unfortunately. 

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On 8/22/2019 at 4:50 AM, Abu Hadi said:

Salam, 

First some housekeeping stuff. I have hidden or deleted posts that are Off Topic. This is not a thread about the permissibility of mutah with prostitutes. BTW, if a women is known for committing zina (adultry), I.e. a prostitute, mutah with that women is not allowed, even if she claims to be Muslima or Ahl Al Kitab, end of story. The only reason this is 'controversial' in the minds of some people, is because there are some on here, unfortunately, who like to believe things they have heard here and there, on Wikipedia, on some xyz esheik site, rather than go to the resalat of their marjaa or discuss this topic with a knowledgeable alim. 

To the OP, 

Divorce is an option, it shouldn't be your first option. It is very important, for the sake of your children, that you find someone in your local area who is trustworthy (I.e. who won't disclose your secrets or your husband's secrets to others) and knowledgeable regarding the religion of Islam and ask them if they could mediate between you and your husband and make some kind of a plan and come to an agreement as to how you will resolve these issue that you are having in your marriage. If you do this, an agreement is made, then your husband breaks the agreement, then at that point, divorce should be considered. 

I say this because when problems like this occur in a marriage, it is almost always the case that both spouses are doing things, or not doing things that they should do, that contribute to the 'downward spiral' of the marriage. It is very easy to look at the faults of others and judge (that is the easiest thing in the world to do), it is very difficult to look at one's own fault and judge oneself based on those faults. Most people go their entire lives only looking at the faults of others and not their own. You have given your perspective on the situation. We haven't heard your husband's perspective, and I'm sure he has one and his analysis of the issue would be different than yours. These issues should be discussed in private, with a trustworthy and knowledgeable person, and he goal should be to come to an understanding first, then an agreement between you and your husband about how to move forward in the relationship. You should disregard most of the advice you hear on this thread. Some people come here with 'pre built' agendas and have already decided in their minds what is the reality of your situation, although the information they are given is next to nothing (No offense, but a knowledgeable person would need alot more information than what you have given in order to even attempt to make a judgement or decision about what is going on with your marriage). It is not appropriate for Muslim/a s to make judgements with almost no information, but that doesn't stop them from doing it, unfortunately. 

I have to say I agree with what you say, but I know that mediation will never happen between us, on my side I am happy to acknowledge my mistakes, but he would never admit his, he has done things in the past towards me, I know he would never ever would disclose that. Doing something wrong is a circle, he does something that hurt me, then I act back and it carries on, like there is a wall between us, and neither of us can break the circle. To be honest I reached a bottom low, where I even stopped to try. Everything I say or do or think is wrong in his eyes. I know we reached the end, I think we both know, I am really very sad for him, because despite of all I know he is good man who who got really lost, and while I am happy to face or pay for my mistakes, at this moment I am broken by him, while he remains strong, but I know one day he will awake and remember all the things he has done and that day he will be really broken and ashamed. Please do not get me wrong, I really do not wish for him that, every time I pray, I ask Allah to forgive him, if there are things he has done wrong, I ask Allah to guide him, that is the only thing I can do right now. May Allah guide us all on the right path. 

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Salam, 

Just so you can clear yourself from your side, let me run through the most common issues, from the women's side, that cause the marriage to spiral downward. If none of these apply to you or your marriage, that is fine, but please, please, please, be honest with yourself about this. 

Intro: 99% of men, unless they are actually insane, or completely evil (both of which are very rare and we should not assume our spouse is one of these without good evidence) are reacting to a situation in the marriage. What I am trying to say, the actions don't come from nowhere. Their reaction may be disproportionate or inappropriate to the situation, though. Most common are. 

1. Loss of wealth, position, reputation cause them to lose confidence in themselves, I.e. affect their sense of self worth. The husband or wife lose their job or their reputation in the community is destroyed or damaged. This becomes the catalyst for their actions to change, they become less religious, lose faith in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), then start to do things (haram) which they didn't do previously, then these actions start to have consequences and the spiral continues downward. Loss of wealth, position, reputation doesn't always cause this effect, but it is a common one, especially for men and some women also. 

2. Wife is passive / aggressive toward husband. This is the most common issue I have seen, at least in Muslim marriages from the wife's side and the most common cause of the downward spiral. The wife is not happy with something in the marriage, where they live, his career choice, his family, his character / morals. So instead of confronting the husband directly and talking about these things, she does things to 'get back' at him deliberately, things that might she knows will 'push his buttons' and will annoy him. When she sees that these actions  are not having the effects she wants, she will escalate and do things that are haram but acceptable within her circle, like for example denying herself to him sexually for not a good reason. 

3. Wife interjects her family into the marriage in inappropriate ways. 

4. Wife is overly concerned with her kids and other family members and makes her husband feel as if he is the 'last' priority in her life. 

All of these things have the same effect, which is the husband feels that he is an alien in his own house. Especially if he is the breadwinner / sole earner, he will feel as if he is facilitating a house and a family that doesn't respect him and has no concern for his needs or his feelings. So the natural course is that he will find ways to feel comfortable / needed / happy outside the home and then he will eventually see the home as an alien world which will eventually lead to the home breaking apart. 

That is why I said you and your husband need to make efforts to find a mediator that can figure out what is the root cause of the situation and fix it. It is very hard to do this for you and him alone, because you are in the middle of a situation and probably cannot see the situation objectively. Salam. 

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“If the eyes of a woman cry over a man that opressed her, then the Angels will curse him with every step he walks”

~ Imam Ali (عليه السلام)

My heart aches for you and your precious kids auntie, I will keep you in my prayers and Inshallah life will turn good for you and your family.

Peace and blessings upon you.

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12 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

Salam, 

Just so you can clear yourself from your side, let me run through the most common issues, from the women's side, that cause the marriage to spiral downward. If none of these apply to you or your marriage, that is fine, but please, please, please, be honest with yourself about this. 

Intro: 99% of men, unless they are actually insane, or completely evil (both of which are very rare and we should not assume our spouse is one of these without good evidence) are reacting to a situation in the marriage. What I am trying to say, the actions don't come from nowhere. Their reaction may be disproportionate or inappropriate to the situation, though. Most common are. 

1. Loss of wealth, position, reputation cause them to lose confidence in themselves, I.e. affect their sense of self worth. The husband or wife lose their job or their reputation in the community is destroyed or damaged. This becomes the catalyst for their actions to change, they become less religious, lose faith in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), then start to do things (haram) which they didn't do previously, then these actions start to have consequences and the spiral continues downward. Loss of wealth, position, reputation doesn't always cause this effect, but it is a common one, especially for men and some women also. 

2. Wife is passive / aggressive toward husband. This is the most common issue I have seen, at least in Muslim marriages from the wife's side and the most common cause of the downward spiral. The wife is not happy with something in the marriage, where they live, his career choice, his family, his character / morals. So instead of confronting the husband directly and talking about these things, she does things to 'get back' at him deliberately, things that might she knows will 'push his buttons' and will annoy him. When she sees that these actions  are not having the effects she wants, she will escalate and do things that are haram but acceptable within her circle, like for example denying herself to him sexually for not a good reason. 

3. Wife interjects her family into the marriage in inappropriate ways. 

4. Wife is overly concerned with her kids and other family members and makes her husband feel as if he is the 'last' priority in her life. 

All of these things have the same effect, which is the husband feels that he is an alien in his own house. Especially if he is the breadwinner / sole earner, he will feel as if he is facilitating a house and a family that doesn't respect him and has no concern for his needs or his feelings. So the natural course is that he will find ways to feel comfortable / needed / happy outside the home and then he will eventually see the home as an alien world which will eventually lead to the home breaking apart. 

That is why I said you and your husband need to make efforts to find a mediator that can figure out what is the root cause of the situation and fix it. It is very hard to do this for you and him alone, because you are in the middle of a situation and probably cannot see the situation objectively. Salam. 

I have to say the there is lots of truth in what you wrote, and it is nice actually to hear it from the man side. Firstly the loss of money highly impacted him, it has almost left us bankrupt, and I had to return to live with my family for 1,5 years with 2kids at that time we had only 2 children, in order to save money on running a home. Most of his so called friends cut him off because he was no longer in the same financial condition as them. The other thing about me, as a woman I have needs, I work very hard for our family, and I have to say for his family as well, for years I was the one who held his family together, his siblings like to fight with each other and I took the role of being the peacekeeper, so I always gathered them in my house cooked lunch, etc, anytime I was there when somone was sick, or needed help with kids. I was happy doing this. But because of his previous money troubles he got very unhappy about spending money, and our greatest enemy, our eyes are started working. My eyes started to notice, what my sister in laws got, new clothes new gold new house etc. Although I have never spoke about it inside me I was screaming, please reward me, with anything, with a box of chocolate, a flower, anything, but nothing came. I think that is the point I felt that he does not care about me. About the kids, you are spot on as well, we have 3 girls and 1 boy, so as our relation started to fall apart I looked at my girls and I made a mission of mine to educate them to the highest level, in my mind I said I will let them to have a a great degree a great job to be independent, so if they are married and their husband is not good, they have a choice to walk away.  I have achieved, but it's mean that basically I am sitting and teaching them for hours. My first child is on a national register for being highly gifted and talented, but the same time, she is child with behaviour problems. So yes basically there is truth in what you wrote except, I never ever involved my family, they have no clue whatsoever, my father wasn't blessed with a son, and he loves my husband as his own, he calls him my son,  I have never had the heart to tell him that actually he might not be as great as he thinks,so that part is not involved in this matter. Right know as I am looking back, I do not know how to feel anymore, very very confused. 

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2 hours ago, MohannadAlHamdani said:

“If the eyes of a woman cry over a man that opressed her, then the Angels will curse him with every step he walks”

~ Imam Ali (عليه السلام)

My heart aches for you and your precious kids auntie, I will keep you in my prayers and Inshallah life will turn good for you and your family.

Peace and blessings upon you.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate it. 

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