Jump to content
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!) ×
Guests can now reply in ALL forum topics (No registration required!)
In the Name of God بسم الله
alih13

No longer a Muslim, how to proceed

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

2 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

If he doesnt tell his wife would that still mean their marriage is invalid? 

If his wife knows he is an unbeliever, she can't remain married to him. If he's an atheist, he is only limited by secular law and his conscience - he can remain married to a Muslim if he wants. Atheists have no external moral codes.

Edited by notme
typo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This must be such a hard patch for you, honestly wouldn't know what to do if I was in your position. When you have doubts it's always good to talk to your wife, before these problems eat away at you, maybe she would have understood your troubles. I assume for whatever reason such conversation was not possible. 

All I can say is I hope you are able to find your way and you and your family stay at peace.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
33 minutes ago, aaaz1618 said:

This must be such a hard patch for you, honestly wouldn't know what to do if I was in your position. When you have doubts it's always good to talk to your wife, before these problems eat away at you, maybe she would have understood your troubles. I assume for whatever reason such conversation was not possible. 

All I can say is I hope you are able to find your way and you and your family stay at peace.

my wife is extremely religious, I have tried approaching the topic, I know what the end result will be.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, notme said:

If you love your family, you should tell no one. This is for you to endure, don't make your family suffer because of your choice.

Don't understand this answer, being a munafiq is just about the worse thing one can be.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
34 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

Don't understand this answer, being a munafiq is just about the worse thing one can be.

If he's an unbeliever, he isn't bound by the laws of Islam. He can remain with his family.

If his wife knows he's an unbeliever, she can't stay with him or allow their children to remain in his custody.

Therefore, his choice to become a non-believer should be his burden, not the burden of his wife and children. He should continue going through the motions of being a Muslim, fast, pray, give charity, and not tell anyone that he has given in to doubt. Maybe in time he will believe again.

My answer would be different if he were unmarried, or even if married briefly and with no children.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, alih13 said:

my wife is extremely religious, I have tried approaching the topic, I know what the end result will be.

I see. It's unfortunate if that is true, that she wouldn't want to help you in your faith if she is as religious as you say. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Alaykum Salam Ali.

From what I’m reading and seeing, this looks like a test from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى)

Now, I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through but I do know one thing, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) knows. The fact you’re unhappy and you stated you never wanted to be a disbeliever shows you’ve given into your doubts.

Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) tests each person differently. Repenting and realizing your mistake will grant you and your family khayr Inshallah.

Maybe if you elaborate on what made you disbelieve, we, as your brothers and sisters, can help you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, notme said:

because of your choice.

It doesn't seem a choice but a belief that developed through ten years.

3 hours ago, alih13 said:

but I would be hurting too many people if I came out and said im no longer a Muslim...

any advice???

I know plenty of guys in your situation and most have chosen not to say anything, but they lead a double life. Fortunately, they were never known to be committed Muslims, so they had little to hide. That's a choice for nominal Muslims. It's a matter of priorities. I would dare to say that family is a priority...

Nevertheless, if you choose to be honest (something that technically seems right), you should be ready for the tough backlash, and assume your responsibilities as a father (keep contributing to the maintenance of your kids).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, notme said:

If he's an unbeliever, he isn't bound by the laws of Islam. He can remain with his family.

If his wife knows he's an unbeliever, she can't stay with him or allow their children to remain in his custody.

Therefore, his choice to become a non-believer should be his burden, not the burden of his wife and children. He should continue going through the motions of being a Muslim, fast, pray, give charity, and not tell anyone that he has given in to doubt. Maybe in time he will believe again.

My answer would be different if he were unmarried, or even if married briefly and with no children.

Whether he believes or not does not negate the reality of the hereafter. I would not encourage an easier life here for a worse life in the hereafter. If being an open unbeliever is better than being a hypocrite for his eternal afterlife, we should encourage that in my opinion. There is so much that is unseen that effects spirituality. What if being married to a hypocrite brings the wife down unbeknownst to her. Maybe she would rather be married to a true believer who will raise her station and bring her closer to Allah, even if that means going through divorce. 

I don't know the best thing to do, this is just food for thought. I'd rather not give actual advice though. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You would be surprised how many people are in your shoes, especially in the West.  It is far too damaging to come out and be honest.  Most people just keep pretending or maintain pretty weak beliefs, participate in some religious activities and do just fine.  If your wife is super religious though it will be a lot tougher.  

Edited by King

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Bismillah and salams,

I am sorry about your current situation and am empathetic of how you must feel. I don't wish to come from a position of judgement, but I will speak frankly about the consequences of such a situation, generally at least. If you were to apostatize then your marriage contract would be dissolved, you are no longer mahram to your wife and that's the end of your relationship -- and it wouldn't be fair to her to keep this from her if you really did apostatize. It doesn't need to get there though. Don't ruin your family's lives, as the other members have said, at this point in your life your sons need you and it would be devastating to your wife. I don't presume to know the extent of your engagement but you really must seriously consider your theological position, your current line is open to the same review and regret as your last; so take a step back and keep learning and engage more people. These are serious things, intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally. Don't give your newfound apparent certainties the benefit of the doubt and the title of conclusion, especially given the complexity of them and their repercussions.

wassalam

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Then again, what is it exactly to apostatize? It can be that you no longer believe in Islam and/or the idea that a God exists. But as long as you don't publicly say it, are you an apostate to others?

One necessary question is, do you need to publicly say it, in your opinion? Do you feel the need to do so, emotionally or ethically speaking?

As @King correctly pointed out, many people are in your situation, and they have little to do to fake it. Attend once or twice a year the Islamic centre and say alhamdulillah when sneezing. Lack of belief is way more common than it seems, public acknowledgement of atheism is another whole issue, as ironical and pointless as it may seem. From among the youth of my local Islamic centre (around 30~40) people, the majority of them have lost faith in even the most basic rulings (such as non-halal meat, alcohol, and zina). Most of them are cultural Muslims, and may not eat pork due to them being accustomed to it. From all my colleagues in the Arab highschool (who all identified as Muslims), none is committed. In one case, I remember seeing a bottle of rum next to a Qur'an in the night table. So socially speaking (leaving theology aside), "being Muslim" is almost free, so to speak.

And to be honest, a healthy family may be much more important than the differences we may have in beliefs. I don't know if what I'm saying is islamically correct (as technically she should divorce if she finds out you stopped believing), but in your situation you can completely judge by yourself using your own reason. Reason and common sense tend to speak the truth. And generally, people don't usually worry about a non-practicing partner compared to someone who is openly and publicly atheist. Like, the reactions are completely and categorically different.

Anyway, keep us informed if you don't mind, I'm always curious about such reactions towards public atheism within religious families.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, aaaz1618 said:

I see. It's unfortunate if that is true, that she wouldn't want to help you in your faith if she is as religious as you say. 

she is willing to help, I no longer want to seek help. I can no longer believe in the unseen, which includes Allah, angels, jinn, heaven, hell, barzakhi life, Prophetic, divinity, miracles, reward and punishment. I don’t find any proof for any of these things and find Islam to be more or less like other religions.

I want a different life style and a different life partner... but have decided that I will sacrifice that for my kids etc .. just worried about mine and their future.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
13 hours ago, alih13 said:

my wife is extremely religious, I have tried approaching the topic, I know what the end result will be.

Salam if he is not kind with his family & highly attached to rituals that keeps him away from family & helping you ,he is not extremely religious but he deluded by his beliefs ,all of our Imams were caring about their family & were helping their wives even our Marjas are very helpful toward their family although they can refrain from their family in name of religion but ignorant people by bad behaving are defaming others by  super ritual acts in name of being extremely religious that is condemned by Imam Ali (عليه السلام) & rest of our Imams & Marjas.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
46 minutes ago, alih13 said:

she is willing to help, I no longer want to seek help. I can no longer believe in the unseen, which includes Allah, angels, jinn, heaven, hell, barzakhi life, Prophetic, divinity, miracles, reward and punishment. I don’t find any proof for any of these things and find Islam to be more or less like other religions.

I know you said you did not want to discuss theology, but I am really interested in knowing what you mean by "proof"? What do you mean you cannot find any "proof" for the unseen? What do you believe would constitute valid "proof" that the unseen exists?

Quote

I want a different life style and a different life partner... but have decided that I will sacrifice that for my kids etc .. just worried about mine and their future.

If you were to leave your family, do they have any support - especially immediate financial support - from the community, family, parents, or even you?

Edited by Ibn al-Hussain

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
28 minutes ago, Ibn al-Hussain said:

I know you said you did not want to discuss theology, but I am really interested in knowing what you mean by "proof"? What do you mean you cannot find any "proof" for the unseen? What do you believe would constitute valid "proof" that the unseen exists?

If you were to leave your family, do they have any support - especially immediate financial support - from the community, family, parents, or even you?

I would be willing to stay together or support them financially.

sorry I don't want to discuss the proof question or why I am currently in this state of mind.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, alih13 said:

I havent told anyone about this. I am not too happy in my marriage as I want to do different things but feel like I have to continue pretending to be a Muslim because my wife may leave me, it would hurt my parents etc

The reason you are not happy is because you want to do other things! Unislamic things perhaps?

1 hour ago, alih13 said:

I want a different life style and a different life partner... but have decided that I will sacrifice that for my kids etc .. just worried about mine and their future.

" they have taken satan(la) to be the master of their affairs"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, alih13 said:

I would be willing to stay together or support them financially.

sorry I don't want to discuss the proof question or why I am currently in this state of mind.

Isnt it easier for you if you just tried to go back to Islam? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, alih13 said:

sorry I don't want to discuss the proof question or why I am currently in this state of mind.

I suppose it's difficult for anyone on here to help then. Our only help to you is all being here to listen to you I guess.

We're all probably tempted to give our viewpoints, but, to what use would that be?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, alih13 said:

she is willing to help, I no longer want to seek help. I can no longer believe in the unseen, which includes Allah, angels, jinn, heaven, hell, barzakhi life, Prophetic, divinity, miracles, reward and punishment. I don’t find any proof for any of these things and find Islam to be more or less like other religions.

Okay, but what do you believe now?

the universe created itself? It’s as logical as did your mother give birth to her self? If believing in God doesn’t seem realistic, believing in atheists theories are way worse

 

13C54F48-2711-4CD9-B09D-C8D7541A77AA.jpeg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, Isaam said:

Okay, but what do you believe now?

the universe created itself? It’s as logical as did your mother give birth to her self? If believing in God doesn’t seem realistic, believing in atheists theories are way worse

 

13C54F48-2711-4CD9-B09D-C8D7541A77AA.jpeg

I don't believe in anything nor any theories. I posted this thread in family section, mods moved it to theology.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, Mzwakhe said:

The reason you are not happy is because you want to do other things! Unislamic things perhaps?

" they have taken satan(la) to be the master of their affairs"

ironically I want to live a more honest life where I am not pretending all the time.

and also thats your belief and I respect that, but I no longer see life with Islamic or unislamic lenses.

I see life the way an animal is. once an animal dies, do you worry about where it's "soul" will go? you might tell kids their pets go to pet heaven, that is how I see heaven and hell, make us feel good places. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, alih13 said:

you might tell kids their pets go to pet heaven, that is how I see heaven and hell, make us feel good places. 

 

If that was true, that religion is for comfort it’s not. You know why? Because Muslims believe it’s very hard to get into heaven, and we have the fear of Hell.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/11/2019 at 3:05 PM, alih13 said:

salaam... im a married man for about 10 years with 2 kids that are below the age of 7... I'm 36 years old. I was a devout a Muslim for much of my life, however in the past 10 years I really began looking for the truth. sadly it's resulted in me longer believing in Allah, a God etc... this post is not about my theological problems. I never wanted to be a disbeliever, but that really is the state of affairs at the moment.

I havent told anyone about this. I am not too happy in my marriage as I want to do different things but feel like I have to continue pretending to be a Muslim because my wife may leave me, it would hurt my parents etc

on the other hand I'm really unhappy and feel like im being dishonest, and maybe my kids deserve a better father than me... (but they may never get another father)... but I would be hurting too many people if I came out and said im no longer a Muslim...

any advice???

Do you pray or fast in front of them?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
21 minutes ago, Ibn al-Hussain said:

He needs to inform his wife as soon as possible and nullify the marriage in the most sensible manner. Or else this is essentially cheating and making a mockery of her trust, and has disastrous consequences in future for children.

Either way it's disastrous for his wife and children! This is a no win situation for them!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 8/12/2019 at 12:05 AM, alih13 said:

salaam... im a married man for about 10 years with 2 kids that are below the age of 7... I'm 36 years old. I was a devout a Muslim for much of my life, however in the past 10 years I really began looking for the truth. sadly it's resulted in me longer believing in Allah, a God etc... this post is not about my theological problems. I never wanted to be a disbeliever, but that really is the state of affairs at the moment.

I havent told anyone about this. I am not too happy in my marriage as I want to do different things but feel like I have to continue pretending to be a Muslim because my wife may leave me, it would hurt my parents etc

on the other hand I'm really unhappy and feel like im being dishonest, and maybe my kids deserve a better father than me... (but they may never get another father)... but I would be hurting too many people if I came out and said im no longer a Muslim...

any advice???

Brother, you should never lose hope in finding out answers of your questions. There isn't any perfect truth except God. Many philosophers and scientists reached to conclusion that there has to be an intelligent one who keeps balance and regulate affairs two examples of this are Leibnz and Einstein. While searching for truth you be tested with:

1. Restivity, and

2. Wrong thoughts 

But, its solution lies in being Patient and thinking about the properties of problem itself. This will help you to find your way back to Allah (عزّ وجلّ).

I wish you good luck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest To u
On 8/11/2019 at 6:39 PM, Bakir said:

It doesn't seem a choice but a belief that developed through ten years.

I know plenty of guys in your situation and most have chosen not to say anything, but they lead a double life. Fortunately, they were never known to be committed Muslims, so they had little to hide. That's a choice for nominal Muslims. It's a matter of priorities. I would dare to say that family is a priority...

Nevertheless, if you choose to be honest (something that technically seems right), you should be ready for the tough backlash, and assume your responsibilities as a father (keep contributing to the maintenance of your kids).

Salam, these plenty of guys that you know who are like this,are all of them Shia?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...