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In the Name of God بسم الله
Lilly14

Brother watches very Haram stuff, what should I do?

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On 8/14/2019 at 3:35 PM, Islandsandmirrors said:

You can’t change your brother. You can’t fix him, nor his issues. Not only can you not fix him—it’s not your job to. 

He’s a 30 year old man. By now, he knows the difference between right and wrong and can make his own decisions. Wether those decisions are halal or haram, they are not up for you to meddle and be all up in his business. You are not his mother. He is not a little boy to be sheltered from the big bad world. He’s an adult. So treat and respect him like one. His sins, his victories, the good and bad, are for him to navigate. Trying to meddle and annoy him and being domineering as a family will cause him to resent you all. None of your advice will help your relationship with him—it will only be strained further. 

Do not find him a wife. He wants to find one for himself. Do not snoop on his computer. What he decides to do on the Internet is up to him. Stop the over-bearing behavior. Seriously, it’s so gross that you’re obsessed over his search history. That’s not your place. I think you all need to respect the concept of boundaries, which you all clearly lack. 

I'm not finding him a wife, my mom is. She is the one making the calls, taking to aunties, etc. I can't just go up to my mom and say "stop your extensive on going search for a wife for your son" without giving a reason. And of course my mom will confront him about it, my mom sacrificed everything to raise good Muslim kids, she never has and probably never will have an "oh well my kids will decide for themselves attitude". That "we are a family, we look out for each other" attitude is how she taught me and my siblings to be toward eachother as well. So what's overbearing for you, is normal for us, and leaving anyone to do as they please in my family is neglect. By the way, thanks for assuming I have a obsession with my brother's search history! I didn't have the intention to snoop on him my mom made me and the second time he had left the window open, but I guess you didn't read that part... 

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On 8/14/2019 at 3:22 AM, 2Timeless said:

So why are you listening to his demands? Tell him that unless he changes and shows you that he has the ability to become a  better Muslim, you wont find him a wife.

The biggest problem is how people link addiction to faith. Just like how we don't link mental illness to faith, we should also stop assuming that these addicts lack faith. The more we start judging them and their level of faith, it actually doesn't help their situation. I'm not talking about the OP's brother and I don't want to judge him, but in general no one chooses to be addicted. People with the strongest iman could fall victim to this awful addiction. In the society we live in, probably above 95% of the male population are addicted to harram content. A lot of the "good guys" are good at hiding their addictions in front of their wives. It's not only an individual it's a serious problem which must be tackled on a global level. 

But yeah, the OP's brother's addiction will never completely go away. Even if he manages to abstain from it for a long time, he needs the halal option of satisfying his desires. The best thing is for him to go to a professional and create a proper plan. However he should be looking to get married soon because the long term solution is marriage.

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11 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Just like how we don't link mental illness to faith, we should also stop assuming that these addicts lack faith.

No one makes a conscious decision to develop a mental illness, but we all make conscious decisions to sin. Addictions develop because we, as fallible humans, decide to slip down the path of doing something sinful in the first place. Take the example of a drug addict, he wouldve made the conscious decision to consume drugs in the first place which makes him slip into the wormhole of addiction. 

11 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

In the society we live in, probably above 95% of the male population are addicted to harram content

Not an excuse 

11 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

But yeah, the OP's brother's addiction will never completely go away

Therapy will help it go away and him being told the hard truth will help him regain reasonable expectations of any relationship he gets involved in.

11 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

However he should be looking to get married soon because the long term solution is marriage.

It is scientifically proven that after being addicted to haram content, people cannot tell the difference between a real relationship and a fantasy. Haram content exaggerates everything and no real human relationship is actually the way they portray relationships in haram content. So, getting married will only result in a failure to live up to such unrealistic expectations on behalf of both parties. 

I might come across as unsympathetic but I do empathise with this struggle. However, alot of people think we can just shrug off this issue because it's so common and "alot of good guys" go through it. That's not an excuse though, and it's a sin like any other. We shouldn't trap spouses into marriages that are set up for failure because of mistakes one person made. No one is infallible but some sins don’t only affect our individual faith, but also the faith and life of anyone who gets involved with us. 

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Guest Monad

all humans have an opinion. Not all opinions are correct. But my opinion is always correct.

Your brother is a of the MALE gender. you can research what a male is and why the need to procreate arises from a scientific?religious?biological? or comman-sensical perspective. When men go through puberty, their genetic make up changes and they need a female. Unless they have been eating plenty of soya and that has changed their brain to release estrogen which maked them more female and prone to become homosexual. ( google it, Soya, estrogen, male and women too. )

He is 30 years old. That's practically means he has tried to abstain from coitus for almost 15years of his natural healthy life. Put that into a realistic perspective. How and why did that come about?. Religion? financial? intellectual? what obligations stopped him?.

Also tell him to stop giving you a list. There are no lists, he needs to figure out how he can find a girl and do it. Communities match making is biased. They will match accordingly to status,family heritage, wealth, income, looks, age. therefore his fantasy of his super hot wife is not happening unless he ticks many criteria and knows where to find them. If he uses a dating site, that's good. Let him make his own choices, but if you feel his choices will reflect on your status, then consider your own biases.

2Timeless - all your posts generally project some of form of female victim hood. Stop it, as its coercive and manipulative. Females are not Innocent as they claim to be, especially when they always play the victim even when they are not the victim. Even if he were to marry a female and has watched porn so what?. The female herself would be marrying him based on what? his wealth and projected status?.. She wants to use him like a slave too so she can enjoy the finer things in life? How is that fair?

Also 90% of the posts are by single male and females who never had a relationship. Tells you a lot about the demographics and opinions. Most of the opinions stem from listening to bearded men who have no concept of reality themselves. They come from families or lifestyles different to the poor class. All talk and no game.

In terms of statistics, how many days, times is he watching it?.

If he is addicted to it, then its his fault. Let the weak perish. If you want to save someone use rationality but not religious guilt. Jordan Peterson seems to have saved my men.

Its been a year since my great posts, yet the many have the same responses. You have not changed or learned, Still brainwashed and stuck in a poor cycle of thinking. What subjects and have books have you read apart from religious ones in the last year to open your thinking?. Listening to news and reading newspapers is not one of them. They are thrash.

Even got bored writing this.....

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3 hours ago, Guest Monad said:

Not all opinions are correct. But my opinion is always correct.

Strange, you seem to describe yourself throughout your post :):blabla:

3 hours ago, Guest Monad said:

coercive

 

3 hours ago, Guest Monad said:

manipulative

 

3 hours ago, Guest Monad said:

She wants to use him like a slave too so she can enjoy the finer things in life? How is that fair?

That might've been your experience with women, but I assure you, not all women use men for their money and status. Women who choose a husband on that basis shouldnt represent all women. 

3 hours ago, Guest Monad said:

You have not changed or learned, Still brainwashed and stuck in a poor cycle of thinking.

May Allah help you escape this vicious cycle brother :helpsos:

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I should add if some of you think that most men do not watch porn, have not watched porn, and will somehow magically stop watching porn immediately after marriage — then you’re being naive and engaging in wishful thinking. Most men still watch porn long after they’ve married and have children. Some men are more discreet while others eventually will find porn boring after having the real thing and will reduce watching it significantly. I would say 90-95% of men will watch porn even after marriage (although not as much as before marriage) no matter how religious or not a man might be. 

Most men reduce watching porn and grow bored of it once they are married. Some will stop entirely after some time, while others will not. 

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Guest kung pin lasoo
On 8/15/2019 at 4:17 AM, King said:

lol if you lot think men stop watching porn once they get married then you are all delusional. 

You are wrong!

Not all men who watch porn do it with the same attitude!! Some men like it and think nothing is wrong with it. Some religious and not religious dudes don't like it but do it cause of needs. These dudes try hard to keep away from it but fail every now and again. The first will do it in marriage and the 2nd wont!

You guys on this thread need to stop using the word addiction!!! Sex is a very very strong desire for young men .... If a man watches porn lots of times a day to make him happy then its an addiction. If he watches it less to relieve his built up pressure when he needs to its not an addiction. You guys call food an addiction? Lol!!

You womens will never get how strongs mens sex drive is.

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It's sad to see that people with real life problems come to shiachat and ask for advice regarding their marriage/family situation, and all answers are emotion based from teens, youngsters who have no idea what they are talking about.

"sister do this", "oh no sister do this instead", "sister leave him", "sister tell him he got a problem", "sister blah blah blah...."

6 hours ago, Guest Monad said:

Jordan Peterson seems to have saved my men.

not that I agree with everything he says, but he has lots of good things to say.

Edited by AkhiraisReal

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11 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

So, getting married will only result in a failure to live up to such unrealistic expectations on behalf of both parties. 

You failed to understand my point. I never even said he should asap get married. If you've studied psychology or have some knowledge on it, you would know that we can never completely get rid of an addiction. Even an alcohol addicted can relapse after 10 years of abstinence. Someone who is addicted to harram content can relapse even if he abstains from it for like 3 years. So it's best if the guy gets married so he has a halal and a more natural way to satisfy his desires. I don't understand what you want the guy to do? Sexual desires are very strong, it's not wise to stop and fight them, it's wise to guide them. 

 

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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11 hours ago, 2Timeless said:

No one makes a conscious decision to develop a mental illness, but we all make conscious decisions to sin. Addictions develop because we, as fallible humans, decide to slip down the path of doing something sinful in the first place.

Even guys before the age of puberty can develop this addiction. Some guys at the age of 8 or 9 are addicted to watching harram content. How do you expect a little boy at that age to make a strong decision ? How do you expect a boy to have so much taqwa at that age? It's so illogical to compare buying a drug to this addiction. Harram content is everywhere, from the tv shows to posters etc. Drugs are illegal and you have to actually buy them.

The best solution is for parents to educate and guide their children from a young age as well as marrying them young. This is an issue we need to address as society. It's not that simple as you seem to think - "he just needs to toughen up and not do it".

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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5 hours ago, AkhiraisReal said:

It's sad to see that people with real life problems come to shiachat and ask for advice regarding their marriage/family situation, and all answers are emotion based from teens, youngsters who have no idea what they are talking about.

"sister do this", "oh no sister do this instead", "sister leave him", "sister tell him he got a problem", "sister blah blah blah...."

not that I agree with everything he says, but he has lots of good things to say.

Yeah clearly no idea because Jordan Peterson is well known to be alt far right trash. But still, lots of good points were brought up besides that and a few others. Besides, some young adults are more wise than adults who are older than them.

Edited by Lilly14

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8 hours ago, ali_fatheroforphans said:

Some guys at the age of 8 or 9 are addicted to watching harram content.

This is the exact reason why marriage is not the answer. What do you suggest a 9 year old boy do? Go get married? Even by western standards that is an insanely young age and if you've studied psychology at the most shallow level at the very least, youd know that getting involved in a physical and emotional relationship that young will be disastrous because of the limited cognitive abilities of such a young child. 

My suggestion to the OP is to see a therapist who will help him slowly get off of watching this content. I never said that he will miraculously get rid of the addiction. But it is manageable, and your constant retorts of how many young men struggle with this are very irrelevant. It doesn't matter how prominent a sin is, what matters is how we deal with it. Instead of brushing it under the carpet, acknowledge the issue and deal with it.

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29 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

What do you suggest a 9 year old boy do? Go get married?

Lol our discussion isn't about 9 year old boys so you don't need to divert the topic and focus on that one small point I made which aims to explain a more broad idea - how not everyone makes a conscious effort to get addicted like those who actually buy drugs etc. 

29 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

youd know that getting involved in a physical and emotional relationship that young will be disastrous because of

When did I even define at what age people should get married?

29 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

My suggestion to the OP is to see a therapist who will help him slowly get off of watching this content.

Yeah but a therapist will create a plan for that person to get rid of their addiction. Marriage is the end goal and is part of the recovery proces. Actually psychologists say that if you have a supportive partner and can open up to them about your addiction, it helps a lot. Like I said, and will repeat, there is no set date when you can say "now that person's addiction is gone". Therefore it's pointless to stop anyone from marriage, because they can relapse at any point, and get addicted again.

Edited by ali_fatheroforphans

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