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Lilly14

Brother watches very Haram stuff, what should I do?

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2 minutes ago, Lilly14 said:

My mom worries severely a lot about everything especially her kids (often can't sleep at all at night because of her worries). She saw my brother looking at stuff on the computer that he was being shifty about and to her it seemed like the screen showed gambling websites, she asked me to check his history today when he was at work... It was eBay (where you can bid on items you want) and I told her that that's what it must have been, and he was being shifty since my mom doesn't like him spending too much money. But I saw that there was a few porn listed in his history too... I didn't tell her anything yet because simply when my brother watching movies that have gore and kissing scenes stresses her out and upsets her!!! 

My brother just starting working for the first time alhamdollilah so we have started looking for a girl for him to marry months before he even started. 

I'm very worried about his iman... He sometimes forgets to pray since he works double shifts, and when he does he does so in a way that there's no way he is reciting everything. And he doesn't like checking ingredients in food labels to avoid haram foods... We've talked to him about these things countless times with no luck. 

May Allah make it easy for you and your mom 

Maybe try telling some one reliable and responsible who can speak to him or you can make him watch one video by Nouman Ali khan regarding what pornography does to the soul and other Muslim speakers who have explained in details about the dangers. May Allah guide us all ! 

With regards to marriage it’s a good option as well but first make him stop all of the things he’s doing by affection not by being all strict and stuff 

From a sister 

:)

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Salam,
Are you older than him? If yes, then you may have very good influence on him. Just be affectionate and talk to him about this, don't involve your mom now, as it will make things complicated. Try to make him understand the bad effects that porn causes. Although refraining from porn who are already addicted to it, is not an easy task. So, you have to keep patience & may have to councel him again and again. Give him marriage as soon as possible. It is now become obligatory for him. And never forget to make dua for him. Ask Allah to guide him. If possible read Dua Tawassul and ask Ahle bayt (عليه السلام). to help & guide him.

66659682_1130251523849351_3381991350634283008_n.jpg

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2 hours ago, Noor Taleb said:

May Allah make it easy for you and your mom 

Maybe try telling some one reliable and responsible who can speak to him or you can make him watch one video by Nouman Ali khan regarding what pornography does to the soul and other Muslim speakers who have explained in details about the dangers. May Allah guide us all ! 

With regards to marriage it’s a good option as well but first make him stop all of the things he’s doing by affection not by being all strict and stuff 

From a sister 

:)

Thank you sister! Unfortunately, there are no other male relatives in my family besides my brother. I wish there was a lecture that included several topics including the spiritual dangers of pornography so I could show it to him without it seeming like I knew his secret/violated his privacy. 

My mom is as loving to us as she is a worrier, but nothing she says seems to affect him.

I know what you mean sister. He needs to work on himself before getting married, or else these problems will only get transferred on his wife, and its not her job to fix a man, or stay with a man who comes into marriage with this behavior... And it might amplify these problems into martial problems, divorce, etc. Not to mention my brother wants a religious wife, but he doesn't seem to think that he has to become worthy of a religious wife. We are religious family and if a religious woman married him, she will feel lied to if she sees this behavior, and feel she could have married someone better. No woman deserves that situation. 

Please pray for him!

 

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3 hours ago, Stitcher said:

Salam,
Are you older than him? If yes, then you may have very good influence on him. Just be affectionate and talk to him about this, don't involve your mom now, as it will make things complicated. Try to make him understand the bad effects that porn causes. Although refraining from porn who are already addicted to it, is not an easy task. So, you have to keep patience & may have to councel him again and again. Give him marriage as soon as possible. It is now become obligatory for him. And never forget to make dua for him. Ask Allah to guide him. If possible read Dua Tawassul and ask Ahle bayt (عليه السلام). to help & guide him.

66659682_1130251523849351_3381991350634283008_n.jpg

Im much younger than him, and we are not close enough to have these types of conversations. I know that he would be hurt, and embarrassed that I invaded his privacy, and might not even spark a change in his behavior. Thank you for the dua recommendation! Please keep my brother in your prayers! 

Edited by Lilly14

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You mentioned that he works double shifts, does that mean 16 hours everyday? Is this his choice or is he required to work that much? Work environment has become hostile and cut throat kind of environment, I get tired only after working for 8 hours. I believe the reason for all your brother's problems is working so much. He is mentally and physically exhausted and probably stressed out. If he doesn't want to check the ingredients, you should check for him. He is earning halal rizq which is like doing jihad. You should give him credit for that. 

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Your brother is an adult and can choose to do whatever he wants in his life. So it's not a matter to find a way to change his ways, that is up to him.

Now, if he lives at your home, he should respect the rules you have. Buying food without checking the ingredients can be problematic for the rest of the people living in that house. There are a lot of items that have impure ingredients and you may consume them if you are not aware.

It's not his potential wife's job to fix him, but neither it is yours nor your mother's. It's up to him. If you already addressed these issues to him, don't keep insisting.

Edited by Bakir

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37 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

You mentioned that he works double shifts, does that mean 16 hours everyday? Is this his choice or is he required to work that much? Work environment has become hostile and cut throat kind of environment, I get tired only after working for 8 hours. I believe the reason for all your brother's problems is working so much. He is mentally and physically exhausted and probably stressed out. If he doesn't want to check the ingredients, you should check for him. He is earning halal rizq which is like doing jihad. You should give him credit for that. 

He doesn't always work double shifts to be fair, but he literally just started the job. How fast he prays and not wanting to check labels has been a problem for years. We do our best to check labels for him, but of course we aren't with him all the time.

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14 minutes ago, starlight said:

This line of thought has destroyed families!

You will see your sibling jumping heading towards potential danger and you will shrug and sit back or look in the other direction 'he is an adult and he can choose to do whatever he likes with his life' 

But it's true star, as well as it's true that if he misbehaves, he will have to leave the household. Living with your family involves certain rules. If he is not willing to accept them, it's not the family's duty to fix him.

It happened with my brother, for instance, and that indeed destroyed our family. If we just casted him from home on time because he didn't obey any rule, we wouldnt regret all the suffering we have lived... That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to guide him, but it's not your job, but his.

Edited by Bakir

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25 minutes ago, Bakir said:

Your brother is an adult and can choose to do whatever he wants in his life. So it's not a matter to find a way to change his ways, that is up to him.

Now, if he lives at your home, he should respect the rules you have. Buying food without checking the ingredients can be problematic for the rest of the people living in that house. There are a lot of items that have impure ingredients and you may consume them if you are not aware.

It's not his potential wife's job to fix him, but neither it is yours nor your mother's. It's up to him. If you already addressed these issues to him, don't keep insisting.

I understand there is a limit in what we can do for him, and in the end its up to him if he wants to change.But its not just him he needs to think about now, since he needs to get married. I think we need to have a serious talk with him about his bad habits when it comes to deen, because I doubt a religious wife that he wants would ever put up with all that from the start. 

Edited by Lilly14

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3 minutes ago, Lilly14 said:

I understand there is a limit in what we can do for him, and in the end its up to him if he wants to change.But its not just him he needs to think about now, since he needs to get married. I think my mom and I need to have a serious talk with him about his bad habits when it comes to deen, because I doubt a religious wife that he wants would never put up with all that from the start. 

You don't know when he's getting married. I would rather focus on home rules. Buying haram food is kind of insulting to you and your mother, and you shouldn't allow him to gain terrain at your home with this behaviour. Warn him and remind him that if he wants to live at home he has to obey certain rules.

Edited by Bakir

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21 minutes ago, Bakir said:

You don't know when he's getting married. I would rather focus on home rules. Buying haram food is kind of insulting to you and your mother, and you shouldn't allow him to gain terrain at your home with this behaviour. Warn him and remind him thah if he wants to live at home he has to obey certain rules.

the other day he bought Altoid mints, and hadn't read the label, and they had gelatin. He hadnt thought mints would have gelatin. Its fair, but all of us know haram ingredients can be found in many foods that don't make sense to have haram ingredients. This type of stuff he does, not like bringing home Haram meat on purpose. Like usual he just brushes us off if we tell him to do better.

Edited by Lilly14

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38 minutes ago, Bakir said:

But it's true star, as well as it's true that if he misbehaves, he will have to leave the household. Living with your family involves certain rules. If he is not willing to accept them, it's not the family's duty to fix him.

Making him leave the family might seem like a good solution now but can be harmful in the long term. If her brother leaves home it will have a bad impact on their's mother emotional well being and slowly tear the family apart to the point that everyone goes their own ways.Such person has little chances of ever returning to the right path. It also goes against the Islamic obligation of Amr bil maroof.  Leaving someone to their own ways should only be a last resort measure when all options have been exercised or the person is seriously detrimental for other family members. 

Six people in my ex's home are now divorced. None of the fathers kept in touch with their children nor bothered to take care of any financial responsibilities. Reason, when marriages of siblings were falling apart no one bothered to step in as a mediator and resolve the problems. What you said above about adults doing what they want with their lives is a very oft repeated sentence in their household. Now almost all of them are old, never remarried and living alone in their twilight years. What would happen to them in the akhira about the rights of their children is another story. 

On the other hand someone else I know kicked his(he is a jerk) wife and three kids out of the house, the husband's family stepped up, have housed the wife and kids until situation resolves and is pressuring the husband to pay for his children's expenses. 

[Edit] sorry,went off on a tangent here!

Edited by starlight

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3 minutes ago, starlight said:

it will have a bad impact on their's mother emotional well being and slowly tear the family apart

True, you got a point here.

And yeah, I also believe in the obligation of amr bil ma'roof, but to an extent.

However, reading that the guy doesn't buy haram food on purpose, means he just doesn't take these issues as seriously as the rest of his family. Completely different issue than what I had in my head. I thought he was buying haram food on purpose.

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10 hours ago, Lilly14 said:

Thank you sister! Unfortunately, there are no other male relatives in my family besides my brother. I wish there was a lecture that included several topics including the spiritual dangers of pornography so I could show it to him without it seeming like I knew his secret/violated his privacy. 

My mom is as loving to us as she is a worrier, but nothing she says seems to affect him.

I know what you mean sister. He needs to work on himself before getting married, or else these problems will only get transferred on his wife, and its not her job to fix a man, or stay with a man who comes into marriage with this behavior... And it might amplify these problems into martial problems, divorce, etc. Not to mention my brother wants a religious wife, but he doesn't seem to think that he has to become worthy of a religious wife. We are religious family and if a religious woman married him, she will feel lied to if she sees this behavior, and feel she could have married someone better. No woman deserves that situation. 

Please pray for him!

 

Exactly my point !!!  You understood 

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11 hours ago, Lilly14 said:

Thank you sister! Unfortunately, there are no other male relatives in my family besides my brother. I wish there was a lecture that included several topics including the spiritual dangers of pornography so I could show it to him without it seeming like I knew his secret/violated his privacy. 

My mom is as loving to us as she is a worrier, but nothing she says seems to affect him.

I know what you mean sister. He needs to work on himself before getting married, or else these problems will only get transferred on his wife, and its not her job to fix a man, or stay with a man who comes into marriage with this behavior... And it might amplify these problems into martial problems, divorce, etc. Not to mention my brother wants a religious wife, but he doesn't seem to think that he has to become worthy of a religious wife. We are religious family and if a religious woman married him, she will feel lied to if she sees this behavior, and feel she could have married someone better. No woman deserves that situation. 

Please pray for him!

 

I recently saw a good lecture about this. The entire lecture isn't about porn, it is about Jihad An Nafs, in general, but Sayyid Ammar specifically talks about the effects of watching porn (this part starts at approx 40 min into lecture). Here is the link. The specific part you are asking about starts at 40:42 but the part before this is very important for understanding this point he is making. 

 

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15 hours ago, Abu Hadi said:

I recently saw a good lecture about this. The entire lecture isn't about porn, it is about Jihad An Nafs, in general, but Sayyid Ammar specifically talks about the effects of watching porn (this part starts at approx 40 min into lecture). Here is the link. The specific part you are asking about starts at 40:42 but the part before this is very important for understanding this point he is making. 

 

Jazakallah Khayr!!!! Dr.. Ammar is my favorite lecturer, he really pulls you into his discussions with his topics/points and energy. 

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Trigger warning: Lots of sex talk about pornography and masturbation in my post below:

Porn addiction is a lot more common today than parents know. For decades doctors lied and promoted masturbation as having "no ills". We are now also seeing the rise of movements like #NoFap which focus on not just quitting watching pornography, but also quitting masturbation altogether (which is quite a task, I'll admit). This is a very taboo topic and so in certain cultures, parents would rather not bring it up at all. This is a gateway to disaster as it pretty much gives the children free reign over what they end up looking at. The earlier you start, the more damaging the consequences. I stumbled on porn by accident as a very young teen and it has permanently messed up how I get aroused.

Approach your brother from a scientific standpoint, independent of religious authority. When the facts are on your side he's sure to learn. Watching pornography and masturbating releases dopamine. The dopamine isn't the problem, it's how it's released. This neurotransmitter is, from an evolutionary standpoint, only there to reward behaviors which will help you sustain yourself. So, whatever you're watching on the big screen, that will be reinforced and gradually become a nearly permanent part of your sex life. I know this from experience and I wish I'd been protected somehow. It's clear that pornography is influencing how men see women in society, as queries in countries with high rape rates like India tend to be quite graphic. By the way, the most searched term on porn sites is TEEN! Objectification is never good. 

At the very least, he should quit pornography, even if he can't quit masturbation. What he chooses to masturbate to will ultimately take control of his sex life and ruin it. He'll be unable to get naturally aroused and will have to rely on pornography, even if he has a woman on him. If he gets too comfortable with his hand, he may prefer his own in getting off over a woman's.

 

 

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An update- I went to print something on his computer since the printer is in his room, and I saw he had a dating website open... I didn't snoop to see what he was doing or saying on it. I couldn't function yesterday I was so shocked, literally yesterday my mom asked me why I looked like a ghost. When he came home I told my brother truthfully that moms overall life stresses had been causing her to cry a few days ago and that we should try to give her less burdens. My brother knows we are trying to find him a wife with the specifications he gave us himself. I don't know what he is thinking! On one hand I don't want to cause a huge drama for my poor mother or make my brother just become more sneaky, but nothing stays in the dark forever and my mom will find out herself sooner or later, and the more involved he is the more it will hurt my mother. My mom sacrificed literally everything she could have sacrificed in her life. All she asked of us to get an education and be decent Muslims. 

Edited by Lilly14

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@Lilly14 How old is your brother?

I would agree with what @Propaganda_of_the_Deed said above(I wonder why no else thought of this before) 

I understand you being so concerned about him but don't get overly anxious. From my years on ShiaChat this is a very common battle for men and sometimes women too. While it's not good for Imaan I have seen many people recovering from it. Slim chances, I know but is there a chance you can convince him to come to ShiaChat? 

Trust in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), things will be okay InshaAllah.

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34 minutes ago, Lilly14 said:

An update- I went to print something on his computer since the printer is in his room, and I saw he had a dating website open... I didn't snoop to see what he was doing or saying on it. I couldn't function yesterday I was so shocked, literally yesterday my mom asked me why I looked like a ghost. When he came home I told my brother truthfully that moms overall life stresses had been causing her to cry a few days ago and that we should try to give her less burdens. My brother knows we are trying to find him a wife with the specifications he gave us himself. I don't know what he is thinking! On one hand I don't want to cause a huge drama for my poor mother or make my brother just become more sneaky, but nothing stays in the dark forever and my mom will find out herself sooner or later, and the more involved he is the more it will hurt my mother. My mom sacrificed literally everything she could have sacrificed in her life. All she asked of us to get an education and be decent Muslims. 

Getting your brother married wont solve any issues. Instead you'll burden an innocent girl with his problems. Would you marry a guy who does the things your brother has? 

He'll keep doing what he does. What he needs to change is his mindset and the strength of his faith. He doesnt need a woman to fix everything. 

Edited by 2Timeless

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1 minute ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

Most of yall would never be married if that was the case.

I think the degree of the sin is different though. Surely not all men watch haram videos and spend their time on dating sites and eat haram food etc etc. We all sin, but the type of sin and the extremity of it is a huge factor.

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6 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

I think the degree of the sin is different though. Surely not all men watch haram videos and spend their time on dating sites and eat haram food etc etc. We all sin, but the type of sin and the extremity of it is a huge factor.

Habitually and currently maybe not, but if every guy with access to the net has never watched anything dodge, especially in their teen years.... I mean, it's kinda normal (as in common). I am in no way condoning or legitimising. But without anyone exposing their sins, (which is haram too), I think plenty have done the things what op's brother has done at some point or another and would be unfair for them to not have marriage prospects on account of that (not that all potential spouses will know of course).

Edited by Propaganda_of_the_Deed

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4 minutes ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

would be unfair for them to not have marriage prospects on account of that (not that all potentials will know of course).

That's the thing though. I'm not naive enough to think that most men/women have a clean slate. But if this man isn't even careful enough to hide the things he does from his own mother and sister, you think he'll bother hiding it from his wife? He's addicted,  and yes, while alot of men watch dodgy things, not all of them are addicted, so they're easily able to stop watching that stuff when they get married. If hes addicted though, he'll not be able to suddenly let go of it as soon as he gets married and he will have unrealistic expectations from his wife which will eventually lead him to have secret (halal/haram) relationships to satisfy the expectations he's built by watching this stuff. 

The first step should be to help him let go of this desire and lead a more Islamic lifestyle as much as possible, and then seek a partner. 

Edited by 2Timeless

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53 minutes ago, Propaganda_of_the_Deed said:

@Lilly14 is there a father or father-figure, maybe an uncle who can speak with him man to man. Normally in these cultures males would tend to listen to advice from an older male they respect over a female relative. Especially as this is a sensitive topic.

No unfortunately! None of the older males in our family care about us, and would be even worse influences even if they did. 

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59 minutes ago, starlight said:

@Lilly14 How old is your brother?

I would agree with what @Propaganda_of_the_Deed said above(I wonder why no else thought of this before) 

I understand you being so concerned about him but don't get overly anxious. From my years on ShiaChat this is a very common battle for men and sometimes women too. While it's not good for Imaan I have seen many people recovering from it. Slim chances, I know but is there a chance you can convince him to come to ShiaChat? 

Trust in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), things will be okay InshaAllah.

Just turned 30! My mom has always been the most important thing to my brother. If he isn't respecting my mom of all people anymore, then I doubt he'd listen to people online. :(

Edited by Lilly14

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50 minutes ago, 2Timeless said:

Getting your brother married wont solve any issues. Instead you'll burden an innocent girl with his problems. Would you marry a guy who does the things your brother has? 

He'll keep doing what he does. What he needs to change is his mindset and the strength of his faith. He doesnt need a woman to fix everything. 

I didn't know any of this when we first started searching months ago. I've already mentioned that I wouldn't want to marry someone like him, so a good Muslima shoudnt have to either.

He had casually mentioned how a lot of Muslimas these days are only Muslim on the outside and that if we didn't find someone like he wanted,  he'd rather marry a non-Muslim..... He was so specific about the type of girl he wanted us to find too, like Jeeze give us time to find such a specific girl before going off on dating websites!!!!!

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2 hours ago, Lilly14 said:

I didn't know any of this when we first started searching months ago. I've already mentioned that I wouldn't want to marry someone like him, so a good Muslima shoudnt have to either.

He had casually mentioned how a lot of Muslimas these days are only Muslim on the outside and that if we didn't find someone like he wanted,  he'd rather marry a non-Muslim..... He was so specific about the type of girl he wanted us to find too, like Jeeze give us time to find such a specific girl before going off on dating websites!!!!!

Double standards at its finest 

:dry:

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9 minutes ago, Noor Taleb said:

Double standards at its finest 

:dry:

I know sister :( I always respected my brother but I've lost that now. My mom did everything you can imagine to raise him right, and in the end he is doing these things, thinking these things. Seeing all my relatives kids, many of my family friend's kids, and now my own brother doing these things is like a cold slap in the face reminding me that holding onto iman is now the most difficult thing. 

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1 minute ago, Lilly14 said:

I know sister :( I always respected my brother but I've lost that now. My mom did everything you can imagine to raise him right, and in the end he is doing these things, thinking these things. Seeing all my relatives kids, many of my family friend's kids, and now my own brother doing these things is like a cold slap in the face reminding me that holding onto iman is now the most difficult thing. 

When guys and girls start becoming this way one loses its hope in humanity :cry:

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3 hours ago, Lilly14 said:

I didn't know any of this when we first started searching months ago. I've already mentioned that I wouldn't want to marry someone like him, so a good Muslima shoudnt have to either.

He had casually mentioned how a lot of Muslimas these days are only Muslim on the outside and that if we didn't find someone like he wanted,  he'd rather marry a non-Muslim..... He was so specific about the type of girl he wanted us to find too, like Jeeze give us time to find such a specific girl before going off on dating websites!!!!!

So why are you listening to his demands? Tell him that unless he changes and shows you that he has the ability to become a  better Muslim, you wont find him a wife.

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