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Guest anon5361

Demanded a divorce for my cousin that married my best friend

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Guest anon5361

I was a matchmaker between my cousin(female and bestfriend(male). My mom breastfed my cousin, so there is no marriage between her and I. My cousin's family is very rich, and pretty much helped my bestfriend with everything(material) that he has now. They paid for a masters program for him, bought him a car, lived in her fathers house rent free etc. All throughout this time, you would never know, my cousin treated him with respect. He always used to thank me, with all that her and family did for him and that she was a really good wife. 

So the dilemma is that apparently last year my cousin confessed to my best friend that she had been with a man before him. he was very angry but eventually calmed down and initially she thought he had left it as a past thing, but he had been holding a grudge all throughout this time. Now two weeks ago, he caught her snooping into his phone and he got angry, apparently shes been doing it alot, he just ignored her, but that time she got some info that he didnt want her to see. Anyway last week he said he changed his phone code, and that when he wasnt near his fone, someone tried to access it and he blamed her (turns out it was his brother). he blamed my cousin and said he was done with the marriage, that ever since she told him about her past, he can’t be married to a woman like her. 

Yes, what my cousin did in the past is wrong but she repented long time ago, even before she met him. Also I know my friend, he is no angel either. He was a ladies man back then. So few days ago, my cousin calls me crying, I rush to her house and I see him stuffing her clothes in a suitcase and telling her to leave. he sees me and starts yelling at me saying all the bad names about my cousin. So I stop him and I tell him, look you are no angel and that was why I felt the two of them were a fit because Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) in Qur'an said Chaste men for Chaste women and Unchaste men for Unchaste men. So when I tell him that, he gets even more annoyed saying it doesnt apply to men. Its just women, they always have to be Chaste, that even their punishment with Allah is different. At this point many other things are said, I get really mad with the way hes treating my cousin, and shes just begging him to forgive her, so I tell her to go pack her bag and come with me. She agrees and we leave the house. I have heard from some of my other friends that he has met another lady and he wants to marry her thats why he did all this to my cousin. I got so angry I mean after all that my cousin and her family did to him. 

My cousin has told me hes been treating her very badly the past year and thats what started the snooping around that she did on his phone because she wanted to understand why the change in his behavior. Anyway, now my cousin is at my house, he hasnt called or anything, the parents on both sides want them to reconcile but I feel like its better they divorce. If anyone has any advice, pls do share. He is impotent by the way so they don;t have any kids.

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I don’t want to be impetuous and make a decision. Invite them both to your plsce, you, wife, and husband sit together and talk. Its soon to think of divorce now. Talk and tell them to do whatever they can to solve the issues. Tell them to consider ALL possible options. 

BTW, talk with the girl and inform her about all aspects of the situation and family. Inshaallah خیر

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6 hours ago, Guest anon5361 said:

I was a matchmaker between my cousin(female and bestfriend(male). My mom breastfed my cousin, so there is no marriage between her and I. My cousin's family is very rich, and pretty much helped my bestfriend with everything(material) that he has now. They paid for a masters program for him, bought him a car, lived in her fathers house rent free etc. All throughout this time, you would never know, my cousin treated him with respect. He always used to thank me, with all that her and family did for him and that she was a really good wife. 

So the dilemma is that apparently last year my cousin confessed to my best friend that she had been with a man before him. he was very angry but eventually calmed down and initially she thought he had left it as a past thing, but he had been holding a grudge all throughout this time. Now two weeks ago, he caught her snooping into his phone and he got angry, apparently shes been doing it alot, he just ignored her, but that time she got some info that he didnt want her to see. Anyway last week he said he changed his phone code, and that when he wasnt near his fone, someone tried to access it and he blamed her (turns out it was his brother). he blamed my cousin and said he was done with the marriage, that ever since she told him about her past, he can’t be married to a woman like her. 

Yes, what my cousin did in the past is wrong but she repented long time ago, even before she met him. Also I know my friend, he is no angel either. He was a ladies man back then. So few days ago, my cousin calls me crying, I rush to her house and I see him stuffing her clothes in a suitcase and telling her to leave. he sees me and starts yelling at me saying all the bad names about my cousin. So I stop him and I tell him, look you are no angel and that was why I felt the two of them were a fit because Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) in Qur'an said Chaste men for Chaste women and Unchaste men for Unchaste men. So when I tell him that, he gets even more annoyed saying it doesnt apply to men. Its just women, they always have to be Chaste, that even their punishment with Allah is different. At this point many other things are said, I get really mad with the way hes treating my cousin, and shes just begging him to forgive her, so I tell her to go pack her bag and come with me. She agrees and we leave the house. I have heard from some of my other friends that he has met another lady and he wants to marry her thats why he did all this to my cousin. I got so angry I mean after all that my cousin and her family did to him. 

My cousin has told me hes been treating her very badly the past year and thats what started the snooping around that she did on his phone because she wanted to understand why the change in his behavior. Anyway, now my cousin is at my house, he hasnt called or anything, the parents on both sides want them to reconcile but I feel like its better they divorce. If anyone has any advice, pls do share. He is impotent by the way so they don;t have any kids.

It's honestly sad to see so many of these threads nowadays like what is happening to this society

I'm just going to say it right there; men are selfish, evil and arrogant creatures who only like to boost their egos.

I don't get why some men are sensitive about womens' past. The past is in the past, done and dusted, and there's nothing to do in order to reverse and change it. The fact that he's angry because she only had one relationship a long time ago and as revenge he decides to go and fancy another woman; it just shows how immature he is. Shame on him for treating her that way after everything her and her family sacrificed for him. 

6 hours ago, Guest anon5361 said:

So when I tell him that, he gets even more annoyed saying it doesnt apply to men. Its just women, they always have to be Chaste, that even their punishment with Allah is different. At this point many other things are said, I get really mad with the way hes treating my cousin, and shes just begging him to forgive her, so I tell her to go pack her bag and come with me. She agrees and we leave the house. I have heard from some of my other friends that he has met another lady and he wants to marry her thats why he did all this to my cousin. I got so angry I mean after all that my cousin and her family did to him. 

Oh shut the hell up.  What is he a mufti. Men suddenly have free will now, they can do whatever they want. Just bc Islam permits them to marry more than one wife gives them the validation to go and fancy any woman they want. 

no offence to the male users here but stuff like this gets to me. No woman ever deserves to go through something like this, and I hope that he gets his own taste of medicine

 

If you want my advice, she should end things with him. I don't believe in the whole reconciliation thing, because like you said he's already found another woman and now wants to marry her. What will happen after she begs for his forgiveness? What if he still chooses to marry her, do you think your cousin would want him to have a second wife? And she shouldn't even apologise to him, if he can't accept her past and for who she was, then he's a piece of trash. Marriage is about understanding eachother's flaws, accepting them and assisting them into becoming better individuals. 

She needs to end it with him asap, she doesn't deserve him at all. Reconciliation will not make things any better imo. 

 

I hope things work out for her and Insha Allah she gets through this with ease. 

 

fee amanillah

 

 

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13 hours ago, Guest anon5361 said:

apparently last year my cousin confessed to my best friend that she had been with a man before him.

Not trying to defend the guy and I don’t know the details nor have I heard his side of the story. However your cousin should have not lied to him about her past relationships, it seems that all the problems that came, came from that one lie. I assume that she lied initially, please correct me if I am wrong.

If its still possbile you should try to mend their relationship, that would have great sawab for you.

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4 hours ago, Soldiers and Saffron said:

Not trying to defend the guy and I don’t know the details nor have I heard his side of the story. However your cousin should have not lied to him about her past relationships, it seems that all the problems that came, came from that one lie. I assume that she lied initially, please correct me if I am wrong.

If its still possbile you should try to mend their relationship, that would have great sawab for you.

Because of his own past, he is in no position to judge her. The OP does not say that she lied about her past. He says that he did not know about it.  

Big difference.

In any case he is using his judgement of her as a tool for personal gain and to let go of his responsibilities.  He is not in the right.  He has drained what he can from her family and wants to move on to new opportunities. Would be interesting to see what is potentially being offered by the family of the new woman.  Think we can at least guess that she is not coming empty handed.

So much talk about women seeking money through men but this of men seeking wealth and opportunity through women's families is much more common than people acknowledge.

Edited by Rashida

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12 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

I'm just going to say it right there; men are selfish, evil and arrogant creatures who only like to boost their egos.

It's very wrong for you to generalize this way about men. Having such a strong mindset against men may not be so good for you.

Edited by AStruggler

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28 minutes ago, Rashida said:

The OP does not say that she lied about her past. He says that he did not know about it.  

Big difference.

Lets see if OP can clarify, regardless I think we can all agree its not a good idea to lie about ones past.

Its hard to judge these things properly because you only hear one side of the story and you don’t know the details. I hope things get better for them.

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19 hours ago, Guest anon5361 said:

So few days ago, my cousin calls me crying, I rush to her house and I see him stuffing her clothes in a suitcase and telling her to leave.

 

19 hours ago, Guest anon5361 said:

At this point many other things are said, I get really mad with the way hes treating my cousin, and shes just begging him to forgive her, so I tell her to go pack her bag and come with me. She agrees and we leave the house.

 

19 hours ago, Guest anon5361 said:

My cousin has told me hes been treating her very badly the past year and thats what started the snooping around that she did on his phone because she wanted to understand why the change in his behavior. Anyway, now my cousin is at my house, he hasnt called or anything, the parents on both sides want them to reconcile but I feel like its better they divorce. If anyone has any advice, pls do share. He is impotent by the way so they don;t have any kids.

 

19 hours ago, Guest anon5361 said:

My mom breastfed my cousin, so there is no marriage between her and I.

In that case, she is not your cousin; she is your sister! That is good, otherwise people might gossip that she ran away from her husband and started living with you! Please get her to go to her parents home. Gossip can be devastating to you and for her. 

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40 minutes ago, Soldiers and Saffron said:

Lets see if OP can clarify, regardless I think we can all agree its not a good idea to lie about ones past.

Its hard to judge these things properly because you only hear one side of the story and you don’t know the details. I hope things get better for them.

A woman is not required to give details of her past.  If she did not lie, she did not sin.  

The OP did not say she lied.  And you are right, we don't know the details so it is especially important not to embellish and then it is even worse to take that even one step further and make judgements based on this created information and state it as fact, as in, "she should not have lied".

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What's this obsession with virginity? Seriously, like Lysistrata, women should avoid these guys as an act of rebellion itself, not only for their own good. They aren't going to be better men. They are not going to question themselves, their lack of education, their vices and their behaviours. These men were destroyed since they received the sexist education that is imposed within our communities, making them believe they will have no responsibility. And most of our women are also destroyed (in an ideological sense) by this education until the oppression they live make them, fortunately, reconsiderate their ideas. Though you may still find stupid women being sexist against their own gender regardless of a cheating disgusting husband. Stupidity cannot be cured easily when you invite it to your house. As for these sexist men, it all seems halal for them and there are people who defend these behaviours in the name of fiqh (take the ridiculous example of threads defending thighing babies or cheating on your wife through mutah in ShiaChat itself, which I have always expected to be a little better than real world debates). This moral legitimization of sexism and cruel ruthless behaviour isn't going to change by being weak in front of such filth.

Apart from that, what your friend did is so typical from these cowards. They blame women's chastity or whatever stupid fault they can point at (in the name of "Islam") to do whatever they want. He just wanted another girl, but he wants to look pious and good, and prefers to destroy her reputation instead of acknowledging that he is indeed a pig.

Our communities and our fiqh are in debt with common sense and simple empathy.

Edited by Bakir

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22 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

It's honestly sad to see so many of these threads nowadays like what is happening to this society

I'm just going to say it right there; men are selfish, evil and arrogant creatures who only like to boost their egos.

This is a consequence of the wrong social education and imposed sexist gender roles. We are all responsible for them, at all times. Change starts within each family. We may criticize this on the internet, but we will probably see it within our communities and relatives, and if we don't speak against it, we are not helping in any way. My own cousin, who is also very close to me, has shown a similar behaviour and I just can't call him pig and coward any more than I already did. And I hate his wife, she's the typical stereotypical brainless Muslim woman. But she doesn't deserve to be cheated on, nor to see her reputation fall because of a divorce (because we all know how divorced women are tagged within our retardef communities).

Edited by Bakir

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12 hours ago, Rashida said:

make judgements based on this created information and state it as fact, as in, "she should not have lied".

"I assume that she lied initially, please correct me if I am wrong."

Edited by Soldiers and Saffron

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Guest Valor

So they both had Haram relationships? I guess everything has consequences. And who knows maybe it's better for them to get separated. 

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7 hours ago, Soldiers and Saffron said:

"I assume that she lied initially, please correct me if I am wrong."

This is why one does not assume, ever.  Even with the caveat of "please correct me if I am wrong" - after issuing a statement not based on a reliable source or in this case, no source at all. 

When one assumes, it is easy to go that one step further and say "she should not have lied".  The assumption has now become a "fact" - based on nothing reliable.  That is why we need to avoid stating assumptions and that is what I have addressed in my other post. This is very common and very wrong.  This is how rumours and malicious gossip starts which can become quite destructive and damage someones life.  Don't play a part in this.

We need to own up to our missteps and not try and divert and minimize.  We all stumble on our way but ultimately we need to be an example of searching for the higher road.

Edited by Rashida

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Guest anon5361

Salam Everyone, 

Sorry I have not been able to respond, its just been crazy.

It appears she did lie to him before they got married but later on told him, this is something I just found out, and to me she was very wrong for doing such. However, she told him about it quite some time ago and he was fine with it. He was upset initially but eventually he said something along the lines of "we have all made our mistakes and only Allah can judge us" so its clear he decided to make it an issue because he met someone and is trying to justify his actions.

Personally, I think its best for my cousin to separate, the way he has disrespected her too much, he apparently doesnt talk to her, if she calls him he doesnt answer, he barely answers her greetings. and in addition he actually doesn't take care of any of his responsibilities as a man, she does everything for herself including buying and cooking food, her clothes, her general upkeep. Its been like this ever since they got married. I mean what kind of a man is that, a Muslim man at that. That is such a major responsibility that Allah has bestowed on us, we should be proud of upholding such a direct responsibility. At least that's the way I see it. If my wife or kids have any need, it may stressful if I can't fulfil it immediately but it also gives me motivation bcoz I feel like its all part of the tests that Allah is giving me, and when I manage to provide through the will of Allah, I feel so grateful and happy that Allah made me pass that hurdle. 

I feel so bad, like I never thought my friend would be like that, at the very least, if he doesn't want the marriage he could have just initiated an amicable divorce. 

 

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1 hour ago, Guest anon5361 said:

 

I feel so bad, like I never thought my friend would be like that, at the very least, if he doesn't want the marriage he could have just initiated an amicable divorce

 

This is the most fair and reasonable and just thing to do. However it seems some men cannot be man enough to say they no longer want their wife, and will do anything to slander or mistreat her so she initiates the divorce  and by so doing, he gets to tell the world, "she walked out on the marriage" while in reality they had exited it aeons before her.

Like the Qur'an says:

وَإِنۡ أَرَدتُّمُ ٱسۡتِبۡدَالَ زَوۡجٖ مَّكَانَ زَوۡجٖ وَءَاتَيۡتُمۡ إِحۡدَىٰهُنَّ قِنطَارٗا فَلَا تَأۡخُذُواْ مِنۡهُ شَيۡـًٔاۚ أَتَأۡخُذُونَهُۥ بُهۡتَٰنٗا وَإِثۡمٗا مُّبِينٗا

(Yusuf Ali)
But if ye decide to take one wife in place of another, even if ye had given the latter a whole treasure for dower, Take not the least bit of it back: Would ye take it by slander and manifest wrong?

-Sura An-Nisa', Ayah 20

 

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3 hours ago, Rashida said:

This is why one does not assume, ever.

 

2 hours ago, Guest anon5361 said:

It appears she did lie to him before they got married but later on told him

I guess we are starting to see the other side of the story... 

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1 hour ago, Kaya said:

 

I guess we are starting to see the other side of the story... 

Which side if I may ask? The side of the story where a non-virgin woman is doomed to be treated as a second hand item?

As with any other sin, lying has its context. Would you be happy cutting the fingers of a thief who had nothing to eat? None would be ok with that. In the same way, our communities leave almost no decent opportunities for women with a past, thus lying becomes a shortcut (it would give a woman time to demonstrate she is more than the imposed prejudices on her). It doesn't matter if their past was sinful or not. It would be exactly the same, socially speaking, if she married and divorced instead of doing zina. These differences may be taken into consideration by Allah, if any, but not by society. She is seen as dirtier and lower merely for having a past.

This is the other side of this joke we call life.

Edited by Bakir

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52 minutes ago, Bakir said:

It would be exactly the same, socially speaking, if she married and divorced instead of doing zina.

It is HALAL for a woman to marry and divorce, and no one would lose their respect for a woman who marries and divorces, except the ignorant people.

It is HARAM for a woman to commit zina, and no one could have respect for such a person unless they repent and change their way of life.

How someone calling these two 'exactly the same' is beyond my capacity to understand. Socially speaking or not, one of them is against the decree of Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), and that should be the end of the matter.

"... who submit (their wills), who believe, who are devout, who turn to Allah in repentance, who worship (in humility), who travel (for Faith) and fast - previously married or virgins." Qur'an 66:5

The Qu'ran does not say anything bad about women who were previously married. But it does view Zina as being something completely negative, unlike being previously married.

Edited by Kaya

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1 minute ago, Kaya said:

It is HALAL for a woman to marry and divorce, and no one would lose their respect for a woman who marries and divorces, except the ignorant people.

You got my point. That's why I called them the same socially speaking, because in case you didn't notice, our communities are made up of ignorant people.

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Another interesting point related to the topic at hand. No one asked if she married a guy before him. Again, as I said, it doesn't matter. She's been with a guy before, that's what matters. There has been another man, and this idea is terrible for fragile masculinity. It's not about Islam to begin with, that's why I compared zina to divorce. Do you guys really think men in our communities think and feel like the Qur'an tells them to think and feel, or like social mentality and prejudices tell them to think and feel? The answer is clear.

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19 minutes ago, Bakir said:

You got my point. That's why I called them the same socially speaking, because in case you didn't notice, our communities are made up of ignorant people.

Haha sorry brother I thought that you meant it was the same whether she did zina or married and divorced... :sign_sorry:

I do understand that some people in the community look down upon women who divorce, and this is wrong honestly...

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26 minutes ago, Bakir said:

Another interesting point related to the topic at hand. No one asked if she married a guy before him. Again, as I said, it doesn't matter. She's been with a guy before, that's what matters. There has been another man, and this idea is terrible for fragile masculinity. It's not about Islam to begin with, that's why I compared zina to divorce. Do you guys really think men in our communities think and feel like the Qur'an tells them to think and feel, or like social mentality and prejudices tell them to think and feel? The answer is clear.

It’s nice to see someone point this out as almost all men expect women to be the same. The clear answer is no one is perfect and everyone has to answer for their own actions.  

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