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In the Name of God بسم الله
Guest abcd4321

Husband is having an affair.

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Guest abcd4321

I just found out that my husband is having an affair with an old neighbour of ours. I found out today because he came back from a "business trip" and had all his clothes in his luggage, so I was going through it to wash the dirty clothes and I came across a card from a lady with the old neighbours name saying how much she cared for him and all that love stuff, I also found hotel, restaurant receipts to a complete different place than where he said he was going for business.

Upon finding this, I knew something wasn't right, so I went online and got our phone records. there I found that he has been talking to this old neighbour for hours, sending numerous picture messages and all. then I realised we have been fighting more often and each time he would pick a fight on something whether its my food or dressing etc, and then he will just walk out of the house and be gone for hours sometimes he will come back in the middle of the night.

all this time I was so stupid thinking he was probably just really stressed from work and just taking it out on me, and so I would just pray for him, but little did I know, this man that I have been married to for 11yrs was using that as an excuse to go see her. I know this because our online call history also shows ur location when u make/receive calls, and she moved from our neighbourhood to a suburb not too far from us. she is the only one we know there.

Even today we had an argument and he went out and hasn't been back home yet. Its almost midnight now and he left the house at 4pm. I called him around 7pm and he just blew up on me even more and told me hes going to sleep at a hotel. I know its all a lie, hes at her place, I checked his location after.

I feel like such a fool for trusting him, allowing him to belittle me, I even hate that I was actually praying for him all the while he was out having a good time. what is wrong with people, why hurt others like that?

Anyway because its late right now, I plan on calling her house phone tomorrow and asking to speak with him. they will both be very shocked. or does anyone have any suggestions as to how to handle it in the best manner? Islamically/morally of course.

Edited by starlight
Broke post into paragraphs

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Salam, 

I am sorry to hear about your situation. You need to act rationally, not emotionally. For now, just quietly gather as much evidence as you can of him having an affair. Once you have sufficient evidence then you can plan your next move and confront him.

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While it may make you feel better to call up, perhaps it would be better to spend the time compiling your evidence and take it to a religious judge so they can consider dissolving the marriage. (edit: as I was typing starlight had the some of these thoughts too)

Now, I know people will say don't get divorced, but unless by confronting them over the phone it will somehow shock him into never committing adultery again and cleanse the urges of infidelity and secretiveness out of his body and make your husband into a righteous man, I just wouldn't bother putting up with this for any longer.

You don't need to get revenge, you know the truth, you are the better person and you always will be, revenge does not add to that reality.

Edited by aaaz1618

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I agree that you need to think rationally and not emotionally.  I don't think confronting him will be of any value other than being able to feel good for five minutes when you get to say:  "Caught you".. He will most likely deny it, or even if you have definite proof he was there, he will give some reason that makes no sense, and probably, he will blame you (doesn't matter for what he blames you as it will make no sense). Getting angry seems to be his way to sideline and to deflect so I am sure that trying to start a fight with you would be his first line of defence.  So, I really don't think you will get anything of real value from confronting him, especially over the phone. 

I would bide my time and be very patient. Wait it out to give yourself some time to stand back and assess the situation and make plans if needed.  Record what he does and how he behaves.  It will be just more of the  same but this time you have a record.  Don't question him or get into an argument or give him any reason to go off on you.  When you have a written record and can think clearly and objectively, you will be able to accurately determine your current situation, what you want to have in the future and how you are going to get there.  You seem pretty together and capable. When the emotional shock wears off, you will be really surprised with how much clarity, strength and determination that you have to be able to do what is in your best interest. 

Edited by Rashida

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Guest Laws of Islam

As you can see the knee jerk reaction of some will be, "But wait...is it mutah or another permanent marriage?". And they may be correct, in so far as, your husband may Islamically/"legaly" be in another relationship.

However, at the same time you have every right to be angry because we often enter marriage with an understanding of monogamy. Our understanding of what an affair is, is not defined by Islam, rather it is a societal notion and so, commonly, an affair is an affair unless both spouses knowingly consent to a third party. 

Funnily enough, Islam doesn't seem to have any concept of "affairs". Rather it's either a legal marriage or adultery, it's pretty unfortunate. But that doesn't take away from any hurt that you may be feeling right now. You had a relationship that you treasured and a spouse that you trusted who has now betrayed your trust. That feeling of having your trust betrayed by someone you most dearly love is extremely painful. I wish you all the best and hope that you can make it through this painful time.

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43 minutes ago, Guest Laws of Islam said:

because we often enter marriage with an understanding of monogamy. 

What does that even mean? 

As per 'Laws of Islam', it is fine to have second wife as long as he's not violating rights of any of his wife.

In our sister's case, it is unclear whether the man is having affair or legally married to another women. The former leaves no room for any justification on man's side while later begs more questions on lapse of his duties towards first wife. In either case, his behavior towards first wife cannot be excused.

Suggestions should be more focused towards patch-up and saving marriages. 

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1 minute ago, Sirius_Bright said:

What does that even mean? 

As per 'Laws of Islam', it is fine to have second wife as long as he's not violating rights of any of his wife.

In our sister's case, it is unclear whether the man is having affair or legally married to another women. The former leaves no room for any justification on man's side while later begs more questions on lapse of his duties towards first wife. In either case, his behavior towards first wife cannot be excused.

Suggestions should be more focused towards patch-up and saving marriages. 

I agree with you brother. But she said in her post that her husband is treating her badly and he is lying. This is haram, he shouldn’t do this. 

By the way, why should he practice mutah if he is already married and his wife is with him?

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Just now, Diaz said:

I agree with you brother. But she said in her post that her husband is treating her badly and he is lying. This is haram, he shouldn’t do this. 

 

3 minutes ago, Sirius_Bright said:

In either case, his behavior towards first wife cannot be excused.

 

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Guest Abcd4321

Thank you for the responses. I decided the anger and tears really won't get me anywhere so I just prayed and Alhamdulilah I feel a bit better. 

For those asking if it's mut'a, I don't know but shes not a Muslim. Also to my knowledge mut'a is not applicable to him given that he is married with his wife present so there's no reasoning of him needing mut'a.

Lastly, because I have been unable to sleep, he still hasnt come home yet. I've just been going through stuff. I found an old phone of his, he got a new one not too long ago. There were some msgs between her and him on there and somehow he has told her that we are separated and that we r just going through the divorce process. So she actually thinks he is no longer married. So deceitful on both sides. 

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2 minutes ago, Guest Abcd4321 said:

For those asking if it's mut'a, I don't know but shes not a Muslim. Also to my knowledge mut'a is not applicable to him given that he is married with his wife present so there's no reasoning of him needing mut'a.

Regarding the first point you are making you may want to look at the following thread, I am not necessarily endorsing any of the points being made there, but just flagging up their existence:

Regarding the second point, I am not sure I have come across any rulings regarding the presence of a wife and the implications of that in terms of 'needing' mutah. But if anyone has access to such rulings they are welcome to post them here, given how relevant they would be.

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I think you should meet up with the woman and try to have a civil conversation with her. Try and gather information about how long hes been cheating on you, whether she knew he was married, whether he was at all Islamically married to her etc. Once you have all that information you can decide on whether you want to stay married to him or not.

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12 minutes ago, Haji 2003 said:

Regarding the second point, I am not sure I have come across any rulings regarding the presence of a wife and the implications of that in terms of 'needing' mutah. But if anyone has access to such rulings they are welcome to post them here, given how relevant they would be.

Its written in al-Islam.org that makrooh. 

 

Quote from the website 

“Temporary marriage is discouraged when one has a permanent wife who is sexually available to him. ‘Ali Ibn Yaqtin (رضي الله عنه) who was married, asked Imam al-Ridha (عليه السلام) about pleasure marriage. The Imam said to him:

"Why do you want to bother with it while God has provided you what’s better (I.e., permanent wife)."

Another one also asked him about Mut’a, and the Imam (عليه السلام) said:

"It is absolutely permissible and allowed to whom is not provided with (permanent) marriage, then he may act decently by resorting to pleasure marriage. If he was provided with a (permanent) wife, then it is allowed for him (to engage in temporary marriage) when he is away from his wife (e.g., like a traveler)."

Also Imam al-Ridha (عليه السلام) wrote to one of his followers:

"You should revive the Islamic law, but do not persist on pleasure marriage where it would keep you occupied from your permanent wives, for they (permanent wives) might reject the faith and then accuse us."

The scholars consider such restricted allowance only as undesirable, but not forbidden. This is due to other traditions that make it permissible, but it is undesirable/discouraged in the case of having a permanent wife who is sexually accessible.”

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I’m so sorry that you’re in this situation and by allahs grace and will, you will get through it.

I know someone personally who has been in the same shoes as you, and she just fought him over and over about it without making any progress. And to be fairly honest, she just isn’t going anywhere in her life right now and her kids are being greatly impacted. 

I agree with the above comments, gather as much evidence as you can, and either confront the old neighbor with it or with them both, maybe even take a mediator or a witness.

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Hidden by Abu Hadi, 1 hour ago - sounds like a troll

Agreed. Yes, it does. 

Quote

I'm even starting to feel doubt about Shi'ism if it could allow such a ruling to break a family. My family was Sunni, it was only me that chose to become Shia and the reason I married him. I was warned by people in my family of marrying a Shi'a because of Mut'a, I heard all these horror stories of catching different diseases and experiencing neglect each time the men go into mut'a.

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