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In the Name of God بسم الله
3wliya_maryam

When is it considered haram to go behind our parents' backs?

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Salam,

Nowadays it is a common thing for us young adults to go behind our parents' backs (may Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) prolong their lives). Sometimes they leave us with no choice. Sometimes we are forced to lie because our parents have instilled a fear into us for not speaking up the truth. We know how they'd react. So this question somehow crossed my mind; when is it considered haram to go behind our parents' backs? The thing is if Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) were to question us on the day of judgement on this matter what excuse will we have? 

 

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34 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

Sometimes we are forced to lie because our parents have instilled a fear into us for not speaking up the truth. We know how they'd react. So this question somehow crossed my mind; when is it considered haram to go behind our parents' backs

Lying isn't permissible except under one of two conditions irrespective of whether we do it in front of our parents or not. Once we become adults it's our duty to work on improving ourselves and obligatory upon us to ask forgiveness from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for our parents and any mistakes they might have made in raising us. 

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19 minutes ago, Noor Taleb said:

May you please elaborate on ‘go behind our parents back’ 

I'll give an example

say you had your uni break and you had nothing to do. you decide to go out to the shops or somewhere without them knowing. is that considered a sin?

14 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

You should not do anything that if our Imam (عجّل الله تعالى فرجه الشريف) was watching, he wouldn't approve. 

could you pls explain that

 

6 minutes ago, starlight said:

Lying isn't permissible except under one of two conditions irrespective of whether we do it in front of our parents or not. Once we become adults it's our duty to work on improving ourselves and obligatory upon us to ask forgiveness from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) for our parents and any mistakes they might have made in raising us. 

okay but what if it has impacted our mental health? if u know what I mean

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12 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

the shops or somewhere without them knowing. is that considered a sin?

If the parent's had forbidden the daughter then she shouldn't, otherwise it is okay. Maybe one should generally take a permission from them about going to shops in free time between classes. 

12 minutes ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

okay but what if it has impacted our mental health? if u know what I mean

LOL I don't know ... I am guilty of something similar :blush: There have been times when I have taken a little detour and gone clothes shopping when my Mum thought I was only doing grocery shopping but I am older. 

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2 minutes ago, starlight said:

If the parent's had forbidden the daughter then she shouldn't, otherwise it is okay. Maybe one should generally take a permission from them about going to shops in free time between classes. 

LOL I don't know ... I am guilty of something similar :blush: There have been times when I have taken a little detour and gone clothes shopping when my Mum thought I was only doing grocery shopping but I am older. 

The thing is my parents the other day told me off for clothes shopping. They said if u ever wanted to go you must let us know. Although I don’t find it necessary bc its like two minutes away. I just worry that there would be a time where I really want to go but they'd say no so id have no choice but to listen to them. My dad's more lenient on this matter though, compared to my mum. 

I don't know I have been rebellious alot and im trying to gain my parents' trust to avoid their suspicions. plus I am a bad liar bc I never liked lying in general lols

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Were you with others? Maybe they are worried about your safety as a young Muslim woman by herself. Were you spending money they gave you? Maybe they just want to keep tabs on how you are managing expenses? Of course you know better the situation but if you put their mind at ease about whatever they are worried about, maybe they will grant more freedom. 

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4 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

Were you with others? Maybe they are worried about your safety as a young Muslim woman by herself. Were you spending money they gave you? Maybe they just want to keep tabs on how you are managing expenses?

Well no doubt they're worried but kind of extra aswell

Others? If I ever did go out it was with only one specific friend. I hardly go out and I don’t see people alot in general

7 minutes ago, ireallywannaknow said:

Of course you know better the situation but if you put their mind at ease about whatever they are worried about, maybe they will grant more freedom. 

well I don't know but it'll take a while for them to allow that

 

 

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2 hours ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

I'll give an example

say you had your uni break and you had nothing to do. you decide to go out to the shops or somewhere without them knowing. is that considered a sin?

could you pls explain that

 

okay but what if it has impacted our mental health? if u know what I mean

I wouldn’t  go anywhere without parents permission but I’m guilty of not listening to them as well . Parents care for you so that’s why they want to know where you go this is no extra things as look what is happening around the globe with women you’ll understand 

we all can improve and inshAllah khair 

Edited by Noor Taleb

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My take on this is that when parents are 'extra' and put forward unnecessary do's and don'ts, the kids end up rebelling. @3wliya_maryam, you are such a good young lady to be so concerned about your parents expectations. Personally, I'm really proud of you and you should be proud of yourself too. 

Look hun, my advise to you would be to just follow your parents rules whilst you are living under their roof. Is it fair? No. But if they see you going to a shop behind their back, they may start questioning what else you do behind their back, (which I know is nothing), and they may therefore enforce even more restrictions on you.

I wish there was a magic formula to make parents see things logically but there isn't unfortunately. I know how angry you must feel - but see it as a test from Allah for which you will be greatly awarded. I know this won't help your situation much, but it's the only comfort/solace I can offer.

Whatever happens don't allow them to coerce you into marrying a man you don't like/don't know. Choose your battles - that is the one you do not want to lose.

InshAllah when you are financially independent you can live your own life on your terms. Chin up!

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1 hour ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

The thing is my parents the other day told me off for clothes shopping. They said if u ever wanted to go you must let us know. Although I don’t find it necessary bc its like two minutes away. I just worry that there would be a time where I really want to go but they'd say no so id have no choice but to listen to them. My dad's more lenient on this matter though, compared to my mum. 

Lol it's really not a big deal. My parents are the same. Just call them and say you need to go get something and theyll let you unless they're super super strict (which doesnt seem like they are) or it's a bad place to go. If you go behind their back to shop at a place that's literally 2 mins away from your house, you'll lose their trust and it will be extremely difficult to regain it.

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