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In the Name of God بسم الله
3wliya_maryam

SISTERS ONLY THREAD - no sneaky men

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Salam alaikum warahmatullahi wa barakaatu,

The reason why I am very strict about it being a sisters' thread is because it concerns a female body part. Its going to sound very dramatic, but lemme just get to the point.

As some of you might know, I have had a bad history with my weight since childhood. It was very hard because of my sensitivity where there were times where I literally broke down because of how difficult it was. The older I became the worse it got. Last year, I don't know how or what suddenly motivated me, but I was more determined than ever. I controlled my diet, did workouts and eventually I began to see results. I lost so much weight alhamdullilah, and I was and still am very proud of myself. 

But despite losing weight, I had another problem. Wearing certain clothes. What triggered me the most was wearing clothes that I thought were to be comfortable and modest, yet my mother who is extra will pick out something to say about it. This is something that I had to deal with ever since uni started. Almost every single day I leave the house she finds something to pick on and thinks that I'm not wearing modestly, so I'm forced to go and change. The sad thing is that whenever I go shopping myself and choose my own clothes without my mother having to choose, I worry that I would not be allowed to wear it. I always fear that she would say something. I lost so much weight, but the only problem that I have is - my buttocks. My buttocks are always in the way and this is the reason why I can't wear certain clothes. No matter how baggy or how loose,  even if they don't really show the whole figure, I can’t even wear it. For example, today I brought two different jumpers. I tried it on, with a skirt and it was pretty loose, but then when I started walking my glutes began to show. The material didn't stick that much or revealed the shape of my glutes, like it wasn't even that bad but I could literally hear my mums words in my head telling me that it is tight. I don't even enjoy shopping clothes or even buying clothes to begin with bc I know what the outcome is. If I buy something nice, my parents wouldn't approve.  And she'd want to know EVERYTHING I buy, bc she's the mum and she has the right to know. If I don't tell her, she gets mad. The other day I went shopping during my uni break bc I had nothing to do and I didnt feel like I needed to tell them, but then when I ended up showing them what I got, I expected a happy reaction, but instead they tried to find an excuse to say that it wasn't modest. They were even more mad that I didnt tell them I went shopping when its literally like two minutes away. Ever since then I stopped shopping for clothes bc I can already imagine what my mother's reaction would be. She wasn't even happy with the clothes I brought today.

For this reason, I have been putting pressure on myself to lose extra weight only bc of my glutes. My parents aren't forcing me to lose extra weight, im just basically forcing myself.

I seriously want to hear a fatwa from Sayyid Sistani or any other different marja3 on modesty and how we should cover ourselves as women. There are even parents who don't allow their daughters to leave the house without an abayah.

Look, I get that I'm being dramatic and it sounds childish, but to me this is something serious bc it has affected me mentally aswell. These days my mood swings have been rapidly fluctuating and I get short tempered easily. When it comes to these little things I can't control my temper because of the fact that these little things are turned into something major and thats what pisses me off the most. When someone chooses to exaggerate on something so small, I can't seem to get over it. Like chill out. I am angry bc I want to be grateful but bc of how they take things so seriously it just makes us feel that way. We start feeling ungrateful, I don't know if there's another way to explain it. We just feel controlled all the time. We displease them if we ever choose to do something thats not wrong behind their backs. 

All I want is some advice or a fatwa from any maraji3 that discusses modesty

fee amanillah

 

@Islandsandmirrors @starlight   @Aflower  @2Timeless  @Ruqaya101  

Edited by 3wliya_maryam

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I have a friend who is on the chubbier side and is trying to lose weight from the same areas as you mentioned. She goes through the low periods you talked about so I can understand what you must be feeling. 

1. Never let yourself feel bad about the weight or body shape. As long as you are healthy everything is good. This friend of mine is the prettiest amongst us all and we constantly remind her of this so contribution of weight towards looks is very magnified thanks to the size zero models.

2. I don't think their are specific narrations or rulings other than clothes not being form fitting, too eye catching and not according to 'urf'

3. sister lolz, I know you didn't ask for clothes suggestions but I will take the liberty. Can you try making changes to your wardrobe and maybe that'll be more accepting for your parents? I know it sounds unfair but maybe that will be a happy medium. I don't know about the weather where you live but adding some ponchos or capes like these might be a good addition to your wardrobe? I have lots of these(almost mid thigh length) and I find them both practical and hijab friendly(with a scarf and looser pants) and I always get lots of compliments and a couple of coworkers tried copying this style :blush: so I think they are a good choice. Maybe your mother will find your outfit more modest if you throw these over your shirt/top. 

298516389_images(36).jpeg.28103908ec1e390f7beb9e4ca2128814.jpeg743426171_images(35).jpeg.7cb7f21f885822387e0dcea095e2fa4c.jpeg314412031_images(40).jpeg.79368a614305efa5974ec9f8dd4ea4f0.jpeg

Edited by starlight

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2 minutes ago, starlight said:

I have a friend who is on the chubbier side and is trying to lose weight from the same areas as you mentioned. She goes through the low periods you talked about so I can understand what you must be feeling. 

1. Never let yourself feel bad about the weight or body shape. As long as you are healthy everything is good. This friend of mine is the prettiest amongst us all and we constantly remind her of this so contribution of weight towards looks is very magnified thanks to the size zero models.

2. I don't think their are specific narrations or rulings other than clothes not being form fitting, too eye catching and not according to 'urf'

3. sister lolz, I know you didn't ask for clothes suggestions but I will take the liberty. Can you try making changes to your wardrobe and maybe that'll be more accepting for your parents? I know it sounds unfair but maybe that will be a happy medium. I don't know about the weather where you live but adding some ponchos or capes like these might be a good addition to your wardrobe? I have lots of these(almost mid thigh length) and I found them both practical and hijab friendly(with a scarf and looser pants) and I always get lots of compliments and a couple of coworkers tried copying this style :blush: so I think they are a good choice. Maybe your mother will find your outfit more modest if you throw these over your shirt/top. 

298516389_images(36).jpeg.28103908ec1e390f7beb9e4ca2128814.jpeg743426171_images(35).jpeg.7cb7f21f885822387e0dcea095e2fa4c.jpeg314412031_images(40).jpeg.79368a614305efa5974ec9f8dd4ea4f0.jpeg

how funny. Today I saw a poncho and my mums like buy it and I refused for some reason lol

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Salam,

Firstly, congratulations on losing weight - that is indeed no small feat. Be proud - you have earned it!

Wearing clothes that parents approve of can often be tricky territory. I've been through all this myself with my own mother but for different reasons.

As sister @starlight pointed out, capes and especially kimonos are a great choice. In the United Kingdom, there's a great variety of fusion attire available that is actually considered to be both trendy and classy (depending on what you choose and how you style it). My life saver clothing to beat the heat are sheer (but printed) chiffon kimonos that I throw over jeans and a top, over an abaya if I'm going to mosque, or even over churidar pygamas and kameez if I don't fancy wearing a dupatta. I prefer the ones that have a discrete drawstring on the inside so that you can tighten it if you prefer. This kind of lightweight fabric allows you to feel cool; it doesn't cling to your body, and the print of the fabric means that to a degree you can't see through the fabric. I must have over two dozens of them. Some in light colours for day wear and some that are covered in sequins, crystals, tassels and fringes for evening wear. One of my white English friends asked if she could borrow some of my kimonos to wear to a Glastonbury festival last year; so I figured they must be cool! The fact that she probably wore them with a bikini and a mini skirt underneath is a separate matter but it shows how versatile it is!

Also, as odd as this may sound, take it as a compliment that your mother is concerned about your dressing. She obviously must think that all the boys will be admiring you if she is analysing you in so much detail! 

One interesting thing that I have noticed is that the older mummies walk around with lycra skin tight abayas with every lump and bump on display, whilst they shroud their daughters in layers and layers of clothes. Often times these mummies have much bigger buttocks and bosoms than their young daughters, yet they are always fussing over and trying to cover their daughters! There is no such rule that young girls have to be more cautious about their dressing than the older mummies/aunties. Sometimes it helps to show people the mirror. How about you politely and discretely point out to your mother that her buttocks are being revealed (or whatever may apply in her case), even more than yours when she moves? Ask her how she will address that. Remind her that it is as important that she follows the rules that she is saying applies to your dress code. This may help her to develop some empathy for your situation and predicament.

Furthermore, remind her that you are doing a damn good job of being a good Muslim girl who tries her level best to dress modestly and who covers her hair. Your mother should be immensely proud of you for pulling that off! In addition, remind her that more than what you wear, it's how you conduct yourself that matters. The root cause of your mothers concerns is that she doesn't want you to attract any unwarranted attention from the opposite sex. Reassure that you can brush off any attention that comes your way (if it does), tactfully and politely. If she knows that you are safe and know how to manage awkward encounters then it may help to dispel some of her fears or anxieties.

Last but not least, ask her to remember what it was like when she was younger. We have so many restrictions on us as Muslim girls as it, we should at the very least be able to enjoy a bit of colourful and flamboyant fashion (as long as it still modest wear). 

Good luck! Do keep us updated about how things develop.

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If you’re dressing modestly according to Islam, then no one is allowed to pick on you for your choice of wardrobe. Islam doesn’t limit a woman’s options to one type of clothing. There are panchos, long sweaters, long blouses, etc. how you decide to cover up is your business. You are allowed to have your own sense of style. 

I would recommend having a talk with your mother and how her critical remarks and controlling your way of dress hurts you. That your intention is to cover up for the sake of Allah. And that you are dressing as modestly as you can. 

And congratulations on losing weight! So proud of you! 

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10 hours ago, Islandsandmirrors said:

If you’re dressing modestly according to Islam, then no one is allowed to pick on you for your choice of wardrobe. Islam doesn’t limit a woman’s options to one type of clothing. There are panchos, long sweaters, long blouses, etc. how you decide to cover up is your business. You are allowed to have your own sense of style. 

I would recommend having a talk with your mother and how her critical remarks and controlling your way of dress hurts you. That your intention is to cover up for the sake of Allah. And that you are dressing as modestly as you can. 

@Islandsandmirrors In theory what you are saying is 100% correct. However, in practice, whilst the OP is still single and living under her parent's roof, things may not be so black and white. If the OP's mother was willing to follow Islam to T without any personal/cultural bias, I suspect that the OP wouldn't be seeking our feedback. In my opinion, in addition to Islamic references, the OP is looking for some persuasion advise on how to convince her mother that her style/manner of dressing is in fact appropriate and modest. 

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