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In the Name of God بسم الله
Lion of Shia

its impossible for me to get married!!

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On 7/14/2019 at 11:06 PM, Lion of Shia said:

as salaam alakim!!!!!!!!

I currently have no job and im in my mid 30s, im searching for one, but my parents don't want me to get one, they wont me on govt assistance. 
I want to get married before im too old!!! Im looking for jobs that pay good money, I need a car as well, inshallah I will get one. Any advice?

Brother, please excuse me if I sound harsh but that is not my intention. How do you intend to support a wife financially when you yourself are relying on the government for sustenance? God helps those who help themselves! I suspect that your parents want you to remain on government assistance because they believe/know that any income you earn will be less than what is being offered to you in assistance. Or maybe there is more to this than you are telling us and you yourself can not hold down a permanent job. Tell your folks that everyone has to start somewhere and inshAllah you will work your way up. Explain to them that you need to work for your own dignity and sense of self worth. You need to convince them/assure them that you will work hard and make them proud. Seriously dude, I don't believe that from an Islamic point of view your parents can stop you from working. As a you are a guy in your mid 30s you really need to assert your views politely but firmly to your parents. Then you need to organise yourself and your life.

Do you have any qualifications/skills/abilities/experience that you can rely on to get a job? What kind of work are you hoping to do? Have you ever worked in the past and if so what have you done?

It's never too late. Don't focus on getting married right now - focus on overhauling your entire outlook and approach towards life. However, if the idea of getting married acts as a motivating factor for you then all well and good.

Good luck. Your biggest helping hand is at the end of your own arm.

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On 7/15/2019 at 4:17 PM, Aflower said:

Brother, please excuse me if I sound harsh but that is not my intention. How do you intend to support a wife financially when you yourself are relying on the government for sustenance? God helps those who help themselves! I suspect that your parents want you to remain on government assistance because they believe/know that any income you earn will be less than what is being offered to you in assistance. Or maybe there is more to this than you are telling us and you yourself can not hold down a permanent job. Tell your folks that everyone has to start somewhere and inshAllah you will work your way up. Explain to them that you need to work for your own dignity and sense of self worth. You need to convince them/assure them that you will work hard and make them proud. Seriously dude, I don't believe that from an Islamic point of view your parents can stop you from working. As a you are a guy in your mid 30s you really need to assert your views politely but firmly to your parents. Then you need to organise yourself and your life.

Do you have any qualifications/skills/abilities/experience that you can rely on to get a job? What kind of work are you hoping to do? Have you ever worked in the past and if so what have you done?

It's never too late. Don't focus on getting married right now - focus on overhauling your entire outlook and approach towards life. However, if the idea of getting married acts as a motivating factor for you then all well and good.

Good luck. Your biggest helping hand is at the end of your own arm.

damn so powerful I almost cried. :respect:

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2 hours ago, Indigo said:

Get a job for yourself, for your integrity and self sufficiency. Almost any job would be more dignified than not trying to look for a job at all. Do not get on govt assistance unless you have a physically or mentally debilitating condition, otherwise its immoral. 

 A successful man (or woman) has integrity and holds themselves up to good principles and values

Immoral? How it is an immoral?

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Salaam Alaykum Brother,

First get a job, no matter it pays good or not. Gradually get experience and apply for better jobs. Second, calm down and in the meanwhile search for wife. Try online, religious gatherings, every method you think of to find a good wife. Do NOT rely on your parents. Do everything yourself 

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On 7/15/2019 at 4:17 PM, Aflower said:

Brother, please excuse me if I sound harsh but that is not my intention. How do you intend to support a wife financially when you yourself are relying on the government for sustenance? God helps those who help themselves! I suspect that your parents want you to remain on government assistance because they believe/know that any income you earn will be less than what is being offered to you in assistance. Or maybe there is more to this than you are telling us and you yourself can not hold down a permanent job. Tell your folks that everyone has to start somewhere and inshAllah you will work your way up. Explain to them that you need to work for your own dignity and sense of self worth. You need to convince them/assure them that you will work hard and make them proud. Seriously dude, I don't believe that from an Islamic point of view your parents can stop you from working. As a you are a guy in your mid 30s you really need to assert your views politely but firmly to your parents. Then you need to organise yourself and your life.

Do you have any qualifications/skills/abilities/experience that you can rely on to get a job? What kind of work are you hoping to do? Have you ever worked in the past and if so what have you done?

It's never too late. Don't focus on getting married right now - focus on overhauling your entire outlook and approach towards life. However, if the idea of getting married acts as a motivating factor for you then all well and good.

Good luck. Your biggest helping hand is at the end of your own arm.

“And marry those among you who are single and those who are fit among your male slaves and your female slaves; if they are needy, Allah will make them free from want out of His grace; and Allah is Ample-giving, knowing. (24:32)”

ALTERNATE:

"Marry the spouseless among you...if they are poor, God will enrich them of His bounty." (Qur'an 24:32)

That's what the Qur'an literally says..... 

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On 7/16/2019 at 2:18 AM, Ali~J said:

“And marry those among you who are single and those who are fit among your male slaves and your female slaves; if they are needy, Allah will make them free from want out of His grace; and Allah is Ample-giving, knowing. (24:32)”

ALTERNATE:

"Marry the spouseless among you...if they are poor, God will enrich them of His bounty." (Qur'an 24:32)

That's what the Qur'an literally says..... 

I’m not arguing/going against the Qur'an. Good luck with convincing female suitors with those references if you don’t have a job. 

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20 minutes ago, Aflower said:

I’m not arguing/going against the Qur'an. Good luck with convincing female suitors with those references if you don’t have a job. 

I wasn't saying not to have a job... There are plenty of worker jobs or manual labour jobs always available... 

I think the following hadiths are on a less related note but they are still useful.... 

"The wife and children will distract him from Allah and attract him towards seeking [the benefits of] this world and planning a good life for his children by accumulating more wealth...And whatever distracts a person from Allah whether wife, wealth or childrenis disastrous for him." Ihya', vol. 2, p. 119.

 

“A man who marries a woman for the sake of her wealth, Allah leaves him in his own condition, and the  one who marries her (only) for her beauty, he will find in her (things) which he dislikes (displeasing matters) and the one who marries her for the sake of her faith (religiousness), Allah will gather up all these things for him.” Wasail al-Shia, vol. 14, p 31.

I suppose the second hadith can work both ways... 

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Marriage is destined by Allah and saying that its impossible for you to get married is like doubting Allahs abilities to grant you from his blessings. I know men who never worked or were inconsistent with their jobs getting married to women who are successful engineers from top universities and I’ve seen suitors reject a woman because she isn’t employed inspite of being educated. I don’t think so marriage has got anything to do with being employed, even though it might increase your chances of finding a spouse sooner but ultimately its what is written in your destiny. Be patient, work hard and keep praying because only duas can change your destiny.

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1 hour ago, Aflower said:

Sometimes we all need some tough love to put us on the straight and narrow. 

Yup, sometimes you just get it handed to you.

I just did that with my son last weekend and he got the message. A verbal dressing down is a wake up call that we all need every now and then.

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On 7/16/2019 at 12:34 AM, Abu Nur said:

Immoral? How it is an immoral?

Unless you are trying, and unable to find a job, or have a condition that prevents you from working..why should you accept govt money?

if you are fortunate to live in a country with a welfare state, don’t abuse it

Earn your money through your own hard work

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10 minutes ago, Indigo said:

Unless you are trying, and unable to find a job, or have a condition that prevents you from working..why should you accept govt money?

if you are fortunate to live in a country with a welfare state, don’t abuse it

Earn your money through your own hard work

I ask you again, how does it become immoral to accept govt money when they give to those who are in need? 

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@Akbar673

In my opinion it might be a good thing you don’t have a son. This is a terrible way to give advice in my opinion. I get you don’t mean to sound like a jerk but ehhh.. you do and you know it. You don’t know his situation or what’s causing it to be so harsh.

Im not giving excuses here but the economy is pretty rough these days many people agree it’s harder to get a job now than ever before. I’m saying this as someone who has a job by the way. Ya you gotta be responsible and everything and not make any excuses, sure. But we shouldn’t necessarily be harsh on those who are not successful in this regard especially when we don’t know their situation. 

@Lion of Shia no worries brother. This is the state of many people. Your not alone. Do a google search and you’ll see. In terms of getting a job though I would advise going against your parents as if you want to get married you should at least have one. A halal one to be precise. The economy is bad and everything but you should at least try. Dedicate a part of your day. I recommend around an hour searching for a job. That way your at least being responsible and if your efforts are in vain you can them rightfully complain. So at least you’ll have that, only after a long hard effort of course. 

You can get married without a job in my opinion. You just gotta try, you gotta want it, and sort of know where your going, let the family know your situation and plan. A brother I know is married, has no job and goes to university with his wife. His father in law lets the husband live with them. So a lot is possible you know. Try not to give up.

As for the car it can be a double edged sword. Some places it’s not really worth having a car like in New York. You gotta constantly maintain it, pay gas, pay insurance, not to mention it loses value every year. You should get a car when it’s advantageous in my opinion. Public transportation or using a bike suites many people just fine. If you still really want a car It’s not hard to save money and get a used one though if you really want one. 

Edited by Hassan-

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The OP has posted many topics about his mental disorder and bullying he deals with. He doesn't need any more "tough love". Getting such harsh advice might be very bad for him. If anyone deserves Government assistance, it's the OP. And yes, there are plenty of men who don't work, still they get married to women who earn and those women do everything for them. If it was an entitled spoiled person, @Akbar673 your advice would be valid, but knowing OP's history on shiachat, he is not a spoiled, entitled person. He is struggling and it's better to tell him to focus on his mental health and getting independent before thinking about getting married. OP deals with a lot of bullying, please be kind to him and don't vent your frustrations out on him. Men, who are entitled narcissists, and exploit women, never receive any reality check from other men. It's only the oppressed and struggling people like OP who receive such harsh advice. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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16 hours ago, TryHard said:

In my opinion it might be a good thing you don’t have a son. This is a terrible way to give advice in my opinion. I get you don’t mean to sound like a jerk but ehhh.. you do and you know it. You don’t know his situation or what’s causing it to be so harsh.

Hmmm...I do have a 13 year old son and there are indeed times when advice of this nature needs to be given in that exact manner. Do you have any children? I'm not saying its a perfect manner to give advice, but what I am saying is that how effective it is depends on the situation and the person whom you're speaking to. 

I was not aware of the OP's mental health situation. I apologize to @Lion of Shia for that. Having that knowledge before hand would've meant I would've taken a different tact in replying to him. That's on me.

I see that the Mods have deleted my post, and I agree with them for having done that. I wou;d've requested it anywhat had they not already done that.

11 hours ago, rkazmi33 said:

The OP has posted many topics about his mental disorder and bullying he deals with. He doesn't need any more "tough love". Getting such harsh advice might be very bad for him. If anyone deserves Government assistance, it's the OP. And yes, there are plenty of men who don't work, still they get married to women who earn and those women do everything for them. If it was an entitled spoiled person, @Akbar673 your advice would be valid, but knowing OP's history on shiachat, he is not a spoiled, entitled person. He is struggling and it's better to tell him to focus on his mental health and getting independent before thinking about getting married. OP deals with a lot of bullying, please be kind to him and don't vent your frustrations out on him. Men, who are entitled narcissists, and exploit women, never receive any reality check from other men. It's only the oppressed and struggling people like OP who receive such harsh advice. 

As I mentioned above, I wasn't aware of the OP's mental health situation. If I had been, then my approach would've (and should've) been different. I approached it from the exact perspective you mentioned, of someone who is just choosing to not do what they need to do in life. Clearly, that isn't the case with the OP.

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23 hours ago, Abu Nur said:

I ask you again, how does it become immoral to accept govt money when they give to those who are in need? 

There is nothing wrong with accepting when you are in need, I agree with you.  

Is one in need if they wont (not can’t) get a job? 

 

Edit: I understand that in the case of OP there is a legit difficulty in getting a job. I intended what I wrote as a general theme, not having known you OP and I sincerly hope I have not caused you hurt or offence. If I have, please forgive me.

Edited by Indigo

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On 7/15/2019 at 7:34 PM, Abu Nur said:

Immoral? How it is an immoral?

It's basically stealing from people who are more qualified for the services. If you are qualified like me (physical disability), it's not haram at all.

Edited by Gaius I. Caesar

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5 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

It's basically stealing from people who are more qualified for the services. If you are qualified like me (physical disability), it's not haram at all.

It is not stealing as long as they give it to those that are capable to receive and are in need of course. There are healthy people who are jobless but should receive such a money. This is rizk from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

Of course seeking job is always better for people that can find and receive job. Working is part of worshipping. 

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38 minutes ago, Abu Nur said:

It is not stealing as long as they give it to those that are capable to receive and are in need of course. There are healthy people who are jobless but should receive such a money. This is rizk from Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى).

Of course seeking job is always better for people that can find and receive job. Working is part of worshipping. 

No, you misunderstand me. It is stealing from physical or mentally disabled if you are perfectly capable of finding work or able to receive sadaqa from your masjid. However it is not stealing if you genuinely need it like in my case.

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9 minutes ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

No, you misunderstand me. It is stealing from physical or mentally disabled if you are perfectly capable of finding work or able to receive sadaqa from your masjid. However it is not stealing if you genuinely need it like in my case.

For example in Europe, there are particular countries that have income support for people and families who have no jobs even when they are capable to seek one, but because they don't have enough income for their daily living, the government will give them support them. I don't call such a situation as stealing and it is even halal to take such a money.

Edited by Abu Nur

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On 7/15/2019 at 12:06 AM, Lion of Shia said:

as salaam alakim!!!!!!!!

I currently have no job and im in my mid 30s, im searching for one, but my parents don't want me to get one, they wont me on govt assistance. 
I want to get married before im too old!!! Im looking for jobs that pay good money, I need a car as well, inshallah I will get one. Any advice?

Salam,

why don’t your parents want you to get a Job? Why do they want you to be on govt assistance?  Perhaps some pertinent background info is needed about yourself..?

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19 minutes ago, Abu Nur said:

For example in Europe, there are particular countries that have income support for people and families who have no jobs even when they are capable to seek one, but because they don't have enough income for their daily living, the government will give them support them. I don't call such a situation as stealing and it is even halal to take such a money.

I agree but I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about people who misuse these services by faking a disability or a legitimate need. Happens more often than you realize.

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10 hours ago, Gaius I. Caesar said:

I agree but I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about people who misuse these services by faking a disability or a legitimate need. Happens more often than you realize.

I agree that is horrible, it actually also happens here too.

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