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In the Name of God بسم الله
coconut

EMERGENCY: ANSWERS NEEDED RIGHT AWAY PLEASE - Female introducing parents to a guy for marriage. Tomorrow is the meeting!

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Salam Alaikum. Please I need answers right away!

This topic is about marriage. Please if you can provide Ayas from the Qur'an or Hadiths, this could help me. I have already gathered some information

I am a female Iraq. My mother expects me to marry a Basrawi Shia man one day, who would fit her needs and not mine. I have asked my parents numerous times that I want to meet someone, someone they can introduce me to for marriage but it failed. My mother would not allow it as she sees I am useless, not beautiful and unworthy. My father would not help as he thinks my mother should be the one to help me out on this subject. But my mother will not do anything, and says if someone wants to marry me, someone needs to come. But she is not willing to let anyone know I want to get married and no one knows much about me in the community.

By the way I am 24 years old.

I have met someone online and felt interested in him, so I approached my parents. My dad was much easier on me than my mother. My father said as long as the man makes me happy, is pious, prays, works, has a degree/or working on one, can financially take care of me. And I can see that he is all of these. But my mother rejects him because he is half Asian and not Arab at all. But he and I are born Americans and the American culture is ours, we did not grow up with our parents culture, nor do we think like them. But we are good people, we try to be good, pray, do charity, be kind, study hard, work hard etc. The moment we realized we were interested in each other, I went straight to my father, but it took me another month to face my mother as she and I have no good relationship and I honestly fear my mother as she is rather rude towards me, and controlling. I have never lived my life for my own, but for my parents and I have never been happy as I was not allowed to make friends, go out, do things on my own terms etc. Even though I am someone who does not prefer anything haram, I am yet restricted from everything. I will always try to stay in the straight path, the halal path with all my efforts put into it. 

I grew up naive, and when I realized this, that my parents do not really teach me anything about the world, I began to do so myself when I turned 18, as this was the year I began to go to college. So for 6 years I have been secretly studying about the world, studying people, what they are like, who to watch out for, when I am being lied to, learn about the environment, about Islam, psychology, art, history. Everything but math as I am no good. I did this because I felt unsafe in this world, and I realized this once I started college at 18, because I was attacked on campus, so I knew I had to grow up and realize what the world is like. The point of this is that my father sees me as someone who knows nothing of this world, and that I understand nothing. Even though I have been going to school since I was 5, they teach you about the safe and unsafe parts of the world, and about people. Yet, because I am a female, I know nothing. 

I have met someone online, and we did everything in the most halal way we understood to be halal. Our conversations were clean and proper, we love talking about religion, but we also asked our parents right away about each other, and my dad gave me permission to keep talking to him once my mother knew about him. My mother rejected him for his race, even though he checks out for what a recommended person would be to marry in Islam. We are both Shias, we love the Ahlul Bayt and even though we have never met, he has made me a better person who keeps praying my salah, read the Qur'an more then ever before, study hadiths etc. He has already made me a better person without meeting me. He lives in a different state and flew out to meet me. He came today and well, now its 2am and he will be coming tomorrow after thuhr maybe. It will be our first meet up.

My mother is honestly quite racist as much as I hate saying it. She just hates Asians. And he is half Asian. And my mom is even bothered by the shape of his eyes. My parents are annoyed by the fact that he is someone from online and anyone could lie, and yes I am aware. But thats why we are to meet, so my parents can get to know him and with their permission, we can get to know each other without worry. But its like they do not want to put any effort to get to know him. My father seems to lazy and doesn't want to bother, and my mother will accept no one but a Basrawi Iraqi man with an American citizenship. The chances of this is so slim and to find someone I feel compatible with will be slim as well as I am very picky about who I would want to be with, considering my life has been nothing but sadness, pain and abuse. And my parents are money hungry, they prefer someone who could probably give them what they want. Mainly my mother.

I need to know, my mother is in no right might to decide for me, and I will choose to disobey her since her reasoning goes agaisnt Islam. But if my father rejects him for the fact that he doesnt know him, but doesn't put effort in getting to know him, can I go against him? I know the next person I should ask for permission is my grandfather but he has Alzheimer but he is my mothers father, and he and his wife (my grandma) did not raise their kids to follow Islam all very well. And my other grandfather is in Iraq, sick with cancer, and I have never met him. I spoke to him once. But it doesn't seem right that he can decide? Or can he even if he does not know of me or the man I wish to marry. If my dad will put no effort, can I disobey him? Can I decide that he is not fit to answer? The guy I wish to marry, and I am not someone who would easily accept anyone or give my heart to anyone, his Taqwa is just so strong. You can sense it from a miles away. His smile is so bright and positive. my life never was like this. My home is filled with so much anger and so much cursing. When is it ok to decide for myself on whom I should marry? I just want to live a positive and pious life and I cannot stop crying at all. I really need help. When you know someone is so good, you simply cannot give up until you know they are really right for you. 

Here are ayas and hadiths that I have found.

I want something to tell me that I can disobey my parents when they are being unfair and are not following Islam well. Their is no excuse to not put in time to get to know the boy. And we have so much sabr, we will wait as long as it takes until they accept. But I feel unsafe at home as well.

My mother assumed I held hands with a boy before, and nearly made me drop out of college, sold my car, and almost turned me into a maid. I can’t imagine what will happen when I have a guy coming over tomorrow (yes with my parents awareness) They are putting effort in cleaning the house, painting the walls, organizing everything, and my mom will be cooking. But its all a show. My mom is the type who prefers to make herself look good in front of others and not make her kids happy. 

 

روي عن الإمام الباقر (عليه السلام) أن رسول الله (صلى الله عليه وآله) قال: «إِذَا جَاءَكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ خُلُقَهُ وَ دِينَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ، إِلَّا تَفْعَلُوهُ تَكُنْ فِتْنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَفَسادٌ كَبِيرٌ»
وسائل الشيعة، ج20، ص76

If someone came to you who you find sufficient in behavior and religion, then marry him, if you don’t it is a fitnah and great calamity

 

 

وَأَنْكِحُوا الْأَيَامَىٰ مِنْكُمْ وَالصَّالِحِينَ مِنْ عِبَادِكُمْ وَإِمَائِكُمْ ۚ إِنْ يَكُونُوا فُقَرَاءَ يُغْنِهِمُ اللَّهُ مِنْ فَضْلِهِ ۗ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ

"Marry the single people from among you and the righteous slaves and slave-girls. If you are poor, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will make you rich through His favour; and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is Bountiful, All-Knowing." (Surah 24, Verse 32)

 

A small section of Prophet muhammads (saww) last speech

 


عنه (صلى الله عليه وآله) – في خطبة الوداع -: يا أيها الناس إن ربكم واحد، وإن أباكم واحد، ألا لا فضل لعربي على عجمي، ولا لعجمي على عربي، ولا لأحمر على أسود، ولا لأسود على أحمر، إلا بالتقوى، إن أكرمكم عند الله أتقاكم.
ألا هل بلغت؟ قالوا: بلى يا رسول الله، قال:
فليبلغ الشاهد الغائب (6).
(٦) الترغيب والترهيب: ٣ / ٦١٢ / ٩.


All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black nor a black has any superiority over a white - except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belogs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not therefore do injustice to yourselves. Remember one day you will meet Allah and answer your deeds. So beware: do not stray from the path of righteousness after I am gone.

 

حميد بن زياد، عن الحسن بن محمد بن سماعة، عن علي بن الحسن بن رباط، عن حبيب الخثعمي، عن ابن أبي يعفور، عن أبي عبد الله (عليه السلام) قال: قلت له: إني أريد أن أتزوج امرأة وإن أبوي أرادا غيرها، قال: تزوج التي هويت ودع التي يهوي أبواك.

الكافي ج5 ص 401
this Hadeeth.. a guy went to Imam Sadiq عليه السلام
and told him that "I want to marry a woman but my parents want me to marry another woman.
Imam said to him:
marry the one you like, not the one your parents like.

 

 

­­ يٌا أَيُّهٌا النٌّاسُ إِنٌّا خَلَقْنٌاكُم مِّنْ ذَكَرٍ وَأُنـثَى وَجَعَلْنٌاكُمْ شُعُوباً وَقَبٌائِلَ لِتَعٌارَفُوا إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِنْدَ اللٌّهِ أَتْقٌـكُمْ إِنَّ اللٌّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ

O’ Humanity! Without doubt We have created you from a male and a female and have made you into various nations and tribes, so that you may come to know and understand one another. Definitely the most honoured among you in the sight of Allah is the one who is the most Allah-Consciousness. Surely Allah has full Knowledge and is All-Aware.

 

 

إِتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُمْ مِنْ نَفْسٍ وٌاحِدَةٍ...

“Have taqwa (Allah-Consciousness) of your Lord (O’ People) who created all of you from a single soul…”

 

 

­­ أَيُّهٌا النٌّاسُ! إِنَّ اللٌّهَ قَدْ أَذْهَبَ عَنْكُمْ نَخْوَةَ الْجٌاهِلِيَّةَ وَ تَفٌاخُرَهٌا بِآبٌائِهٌا أَلاَ إِنَّكُمْ مِنْ آدَمَ و آدَمُ مِنْ طِيْنٍ. أَلاٌ إِنَّ خَيْرَ عِبٌادِ اللٌّهِ عَبْدٌ اتِّقٌاهُ

“O’ Mankind! Surely Allah has removed the pride and conceit that existed within you during the days of Ignorance in relation to your fore-fathers. Surely all of you are from (Prophet) Adam and Adam was (created) from mud. Surely the best servant of Allah is that servant who has consciousness of Him.”4

 

إِنَّمٌا النٌّاسُ رَجُلاٌنِ: مُؤْمِنٌ تَقِيٌّ كَرِيـمٌّ عَلى اللٌّهِ وَ فٌاجِرٌ شَقِيٌّ هَيِّنٌ عَلى اللٌّهِ

“Certainly mankind is of two types: the true believer who has piety and nobility to Allah; and the sinner, who is lost and despicable in the sight of Allah.”

 

 

أَلاٌ إِنَّ الْعَرَبِيَّةَ لَيْسَتْ بٌابٌ وٌالِدٌ وَ لٌكِنَّهٌا لِسٌانٌ نٌاطِقٌ فَمَنْ قَصُرَ عَمَلُهُ لَمْ يَـبْلُغْهُ حَسَبُهُ

“Now then, surely your being `Arab is not the basis for your personality nor a part of your essence, rather, it is the language which you speak. So then whosoever is negligent in his actions, then the pride that he has from his father (being an `Arab) will not help him in the least and will not make up for the defects in his (religious) actions).”5

 

­­­ قالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلّمَ): ما بُنِيَ بِناءَ فِي الإِسْلامِ أَحَبُّ إِلى اللهِ عَزَّ وَجَلّ مِنَ التَّزْوِيجِ.

The Messenger of Allah (S) has said, "There is no foundation that has been built in Islam more loved by Allah, (The Greatest and Noblest) than marriage."

 

 

عَنْ أَبِي عَبْدِ اللهِ (عَلَيْهِ السَّلامُ): جاءَ رَجُلٌ إِلى أَبِي فَقالَ لَهُ: هَلَ لَكَ زَوْجَةٌ؟ قالَ لا. قالَ (عَلَيهِ السَّلامُ): لا أُحِبُّ أَنّ لِيَ الدُّنْيا وَما فِيها وَإِنِّي أُبِيتُ لَيْلَةً لَيْسَ لِي زَوْجَةٌ.

It has been narrated from Abi Abdillah that, "A man once came to my father. My father asked him, "Are you married?" The man replied, 'No.' My father (عليه السلام) replied, 'I would not love to have the world and all that is contained within it if it meant I had to spend one night without a woman (beside me).'"

 

And another one is about Jubair, a poor black man that was seeking for a wife. Prophet Muhammad helped him by having him marry a girl from a wealthy family. But her father did not accept the man at first, not believing that Jubair really did receive a message from the Prophet that he was told to come to him (the father) to marry his daughter. The father only accepted someone I believe from their tribe or city. It was by the name of Ansar. And he had to be of equal status or higher. But the daughter over heard and spoke to her father on how they cannot deny the words of the Prophet. So she married a man who was pious, the poor black man, who was not poor in deen. The story is long so I did not put it here, plus I have the notes, and the story is chopped up. But the moral of the story is that money, race adn more is not important and shouldnt be. It is the Taqwa that is important.

 

 

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Dear Sister! Do not get married without your parents' persmission. I had a friend who was Pakistani and married a wonderful religious Iranian guy without her parents' permission. Initially he was good, but after few years and 2 kids, that girl's own sister and cousins seduced her husband and now he has made a team with that girl's family to punish her for disobeying her parents. Men change a lot after marriage and if you go against your parents, you will lose even the little support parents give to their married daughters. Forget about what Islam says, all these rules are only found in books. Real world doesn't follow Islamic rules. 

Edited by rkazmi33

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Guest Peace and Islam
22 minutes ago, rkazmi33 said:

Dear Sister! Do not get married without your parents' persmission. I had a friend who was Pakistani and married a wonderful religious Iranian guy without her parents' permission. Initially he was good, but after few years and 2 kids, that girl's own sister and cousins seduced her husband and now he has made a team with that girl's family to punish her for disobeying her parents. Men change a lot after marriage and if you go against your parents, you will lose even the little support parents give to their married daughters. Forget about what Islam says, all these rules are only found in books. Real world doesn't follow Islamic rules. 

Without meaning to cause offence, this isn't good advice. Parents, particularly those whose minds have been clouded with culture and not Islam, who may have made many sacrifices for their children and perhaps at heart mean well, can often treat their children like property and make terrible judgements. This sister has found a compatible man online, wants him to meet her parents, and for it go down in this manner. I say she should wait for someone like @Abu Hadi if he has time to respond as he gives the most sound advice on these issues.

I know a number of Pakistani women who found decent men in the US/United Kingdom, but whose mothers lured them into marrying someone from Pakistan, only to endure terrible suffering at the hands of the mother in law, who from day one suspected her and threw every accusation under the sun. 

 

 

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The consent and agreement of both husband and wife to the marriage is a condition for the marriage contract to be valid. 

From Sayyid Sistani(ha)

However, there are conditions attached to the marriage contract:

1. The verbal proposition of marriage and its acceptance. That is, it is not sufficient for both parties to agree the marriage, be it permanent or fixed-term; nor would the written contract alone be sufficient to consummate the marriage.

2. The intent to consummate the marriage, be it by the man or wife, if they have performed the contract rite themselves, or their representative.

3. The wholehearted agreement of man and wife.

4. Explicitly identifying both the man and the woman to be wed. Thus, the contract shall not be valid, if, for example, a man said to another, “I give you one of my daughters in marriage”....

https://www.al-Islam.org/jurisprudence-made-easy-ayatullah-Ali-Sistani/dialogue-marriage

 

So if you do not wish to marry the man and do not consent to the marriage, the aqd is not valid and you are not actually married. This has nothing to do with obedience to parents. Obedience to parents is a seperate issue. I'm sorry if this answer isn't relevant. I'm not sure exactly what you are asking, but this is my attempt to answer the question. 

Salam. 

 

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I met my husband online — who is half Arab, half Asian. We’ve been married for 1 year, together for 3. 

Trust your intuition. Trust your heart. 

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20 hours ago, coconut said:

Salam Alaikum. Please I need answers right away!

This topic is about marriage. Please if you can provide Ayas from the Qur'an or Hadiths, this could help me. I have already gathered some information

I am a female Iraq. My mother expects me to marry a Basrawi Shia man one day, who would fit her needs and not mine. I have asked my parents numerous times that I want to meet someone, someone they can introduce me to for marriage but it failed. My mother would not allow it as she sees I am useless, not beautiful and unworthy. My father would not help as he thinks my mother should be the one to help me out on this subject. But my mother will not do anything, and says if someone wants to marry me, someone needs to come. But she is not willing to let anyone know I want to get married and no one knows much about me in the community.

By the way I am 24 years old.

I have met someone online and felt interested in him, so I approached my parents. My dad was much easier on me than my mother. My father said as long as the man makes me happy, is pious, prays, works, has a degree/or working on one, can financially take care of me. And I can see that he is all of these. But my mother reje

cts him because he is half Asian and not Arab at all. But he and I are born Americans and the American culture is ours, we did not grow up with our parents culture, nor do we think like them. But we are good people, we try to be good, pray, do charity, be kind, study hard, work hard etc. The moment we realized we were interested in each other, I went straight to my father, but it took me another month to face my mother as she and I have no good relationship and I honestly fear my mother as she is rather rude towards me, and controlling. I have never lived my life for my own, but for my parents and I have never been happy as I was not allowed to make friends, go out, do things on my own terms etc. Even though I am someone who does not prefer anything haram, I am yet restricted from everything. I will always try to stay in the straight path, the halal path with all my efforts put into it. 

I grew up naive, and when I realized this, that my parents do not really teach me anything about the world, I began to do so myself when I turned 18, as this was the year I began to go to college. So for 6 years I have been secretly studying about the world, studying people, what they are like, who to watch out for, when I am being lied to, learn about the environment, about Islam, psychology, art, history. Everything but math as I am no good. I did this because I felt unsafe in this world, and I realized this once I started college at 18, because I was attacked on campus, so I knew I had to grow up and realize what the world is like. The point of this is that my father sees me as someone who knows nothing of this world, and that I understand nothing. Even though I have been going to school since I was 5, they teach you about the safe and unsafe parts of the world, and about people. Yet, because I am a female, I know nothing. 

I have met someone online, and we did everything in the most halal way we understood to be halal. Our conversations were clean and proper, we love talking about religion, but we also asked our parents right away about each other, and my dad gave me permission to keep talking to him once my mother knew about him. My mother rejected him for his race, even though he checks out for what a recommended person would be to marry in Islam. We are both Shias, we love the Ahlul Bayt and even though we have never met, he has made me a better person who keeps praying my salah, read the Qur'an more then ever before, study hadiths etc. He has already made me a better person without meeting me. He lives in a different state and flew out to meet me. He came today and well, now its 2am and he will be coming tomorrow after thuhr maybe. It will be our first meet up.

My mother is honestly quite racist as much as I hate saying it. She just hates Asians. And he is half Asian. And my mom is even bothered by the shape of his eyes. My parents are annoyed by the fact that he is someone from online and anyone could lie, and yes I am aware. But thats why we are to meet, so my parents can get to know him and with their permission, we can get to know each other without worry. But its like they do not want to put any effort to get to know him. My father seems to lazy and doesn't want to bother, and my mother will accept no one but a Basrawi Iraqi man with an American citizenship. The chances of this is so slim and to find someone I feel compatible with will be slim as well as I am very picky about who I would want to be with, considering my life has been nothing but sadness, pain and abuse. And my parents are money hungry, they prefer someone who could probably give them what they want. Mainly my mother.

I need to know, my mother is in no right might to decide for me, and I will choose to disobey her since her reasoning goes agaisnt Islam. But if my father rejects him for the fact that he doesnt know him, but doesn't put effort in getting to know him, can I go against him? I know the next person I should ask for permission is my grandfather but he has Alzheimer but he is my mothers father, and he and his wife (my grandma) did not raise their kids to follow Islam all very well. And my other grandfather is in Iraq, sick with cancer, and I have never met him. I spoke to him once. But it doesn't seem right that he can decide? Or can he even if he does not know of me or the man I wish to marry. If my dad will put no effort, can I disobey him? Can I decide that he is not fit to answer? The guy I wish to marry, and I am not someone who would easily accept anyone or give my heart to anyone, his Taqwa is just so strong. You can sense it from a miles away. His smile is so bright and positive. my life never was like this. My home is filled with so much anger and so much cursing. When is it ok to decide for myself on whom I should marry? I just want to live a positive and pious life and I cannot stop crying at all. I really need help. When you know someone is so good, you simply cannot give up until you know they are really right for you. 

Here are ayas and hadiths that I have found.

I want something to tell me that I can disobey my parents when they are being unfair and are not following Islam well. Their is no excuse to not put in time to get to know the boy. And we have so much sabr, we will wait as long as it takes until they accept. But I feel unsafe at home as well.

My mother assumed I held hands with a boy before, and nearly made me drop out of college, sold my car, and almost turned me into a maid. I can’t imagine what will happen when I have a guy coming over tomorrow (yes with my parents awareness) They are putting effort in cleaning the house, painting the walls, organizing everything, and my mom will be cooking. But its all a show. My mom is the type who prefers to make herself look good in front of others and not make her kids happy. 

 

روي عن الإمام الباقر (عليه السلام) أن رسول الله (صلى الله عليه وآله) قال: «إِذَا جَاءَكُمْ مَنْ تَرْضَوْنَ خُلُقَهُ وَ دِينَهُ فَزَوِّجُوهُ، إِلَّا تَفْعَلُوهُ تَكُنْ فِتْنَةٌ فِي الْأَرْضِ وَفَسادٌ كَبِيرٌ»
وسائل الشيعة، ج20، ص76

If someone came to you who you find sufficient in behavior and religion, then marry him, if you don’t it is a fitnah and great calamity

 

 

وَأَنْكِحُوا الْأَيَامَىٰ مِنْكُمْ وَالصَّالِحِينَ مِنْ عِبَادِكُمْ وَإِمَائِكُمْ ۚ إِنْ يَكُونُوا فُقَرَاءَ يُغْنِهِمُ اللَّهُ مِنْ فَضْلِهِ ۗ وَاللَّهُ وَاسِعٌ عَلِيمٌ

"Marry the single people from among you and the righteous slaves and slave-girls. If you are poor, Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) will make you rich through His favour; and Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) is Bountiful, All-Knowing." (Surah 24, Verse 32)

 

A small section of Prophet muhammads (saww) last speech

 


عنه (صلى الله عليه وآله) – في خطبة الوداع -: يا أيها الناس إن ربكم واحد، وإن أباكم واحد، ألا لا فضل لعربي على عجمي، ولا لعجمي على عربي، ولا لأحمر على أسود، ولا لأسود على أحمر، إلا بالتقوى، إن أكرمكم عند الله أتقاكم.
ألا هل بلغت؟ قالوا: بلى يا رسول الله، قال:
فليبلغ الشاهد الغائب (6).
(٦) الترغيب والترهيب: ٣ / ٦١٢ / ٩.


All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black nor a black has any superiority over a white - except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belogs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not therefore do injustice to yourselves. Remember one day you will meet Allah and answer your deeds. So beware: do not stray from the path of righteousness after I am gone.

 

حميد بن زياد، عن الحسن بن محمد بن سماعة، عن علي بن الحسن بن رباط، عن حبيب الخثعمي، عن ابن أبي يعفور، عن أبي عبد الله (عليه السلام) قال: قلت له: إني أريد أن أتزوج امرأة وإن أبوي أرادا غيرها، قال: تزوج التي هويت ودع التي يهوي أبواك.

الكافي ج5 ص 401
this Hadeeth.. a guy went to Imam Sadiq عليه السلام
and told him that "I want to marry a woman but my parents want me to marry another woman.
Imam said to him:
marry the one you like, not the one your parents like.

 

 

­­ يٌا أَيُّهٌا النٌّاسُ إِنٌّا خَلَقْنٌاكُم مِّنْ ذَكَرٍ وَأُنـثَى وَجَعَلْنٌاكُمْ شُعُوباً وَقَبٌائِلَ لِتَعٌارَفُوا إِنَّ أَكْرَمَكُمْ عِنْدَ اللٌّهِ أَتْقٌـكُمْ إِنَّ اللٌّهَ عَلِيمٌ خَبِيرٌ

O’ Humanity! Without doubt We have created you from a male and a female and have made you into various nations and tribes, so that you may come to know and understand one another. Definitely the most honoured among you in the sight of Allah is the one who is the most Allah-Consciousness. Surely Allah has full Knowledge and is All-Aware.

 

 

إِتَّقُوا رَبَّكُمُ الَّذِي خَلَقَكُمْ مِنْ نَفْسٍ وٌاحِدَةٍ...

“Have taqwa (Allah-Consciousness) of your Lord (O’ People) who created all of you from a single soul…”

 

 

­­ أَيُّهٌا النٌّاسُ! إِنَّ اللٌّهَ قَدْ أَذْهَبَ عَنْكُمْ نَخْوَةَ الْجٌاهِلِيَّةَ وَ تَفٌاخُرَهٌا بِآبٌائِهٌا أَلاَ إِنَّكُمْ مِنْ آدَمَ و آدَمُ مِنْ طِيْنٍ. أَلاٌ إِنَّ خَيْرَ عِبٌادِ اللٌّهِ عَبْدٌ اتِّقٌاهُ

“O’ Mankind! Surely Allah has removed the pride and conceit that existed within you during the days of Ignorance in relation to your fore-fathers. Surely all of you are from (Prophet) Adam and Adam was (created) from mud. Surely the best servant of Allah is that servant who has consciousness of Him.”4

 

إِنَّمٌا النٌّاسُ رَجُلاٌنِ: مُؤْمِنٌ تَقِيٌّ كَرِيـمٌّ عَلى اللٌّهِ وَ فٌاجِرٌ شَقِيٌّ هَيِّنٌ عَلى اللٌّهِ

“Certainly mankind is of two types: the true believer who has piety and nobility to Allah; and the sinner, who is lost and despicable in the sight of Allah.”

 

 

أَلاٌ إِنَّ الْعَرَبِيَّةَ لَيْسَتْ بٌابٌ وٌالِدٌ وَ لٌكِنَّهٌا لِسٌانٌ نٌاطِقٌ فَمَنْ قَصُرَ عَمَلُهُ لَمْ يَـبْلُغْهُ حَسَبُهُ

“Now then, surely your being `Arab is not the basis for your personality nor a part of your essence, rather, it is the language which you speak. So then whosoever is negligent in his actions, then the pride that he has from his father (being an `Arab) will not help him in the least and will not make up for the defects in his (religious) actions).”5

 

­­­ قالَ رَسُولُ اللهِ (صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيهِ وَآلِهِ وَسَلّمَ): ما بُنِيَ بِناءَ فِي الإِسْلامِ أَحَبُّ إِلى اللهِ عَزَّ وَجَلّ مِنَ التَّزْوِيجِ.

The Messenger of Allah (S) has said, "There is no foundation that has been built in Islam more loved by Allah, (The Greatest and Noblest) than marriage."

 

 

عَنْ أَبِي عَبْدِ اللهِ (عَلَيْهِ السَّلامُ): جاءَ رَجُلٌ إِلى أَبِي فَقالَ لَهُ: هَلَ لَكَ زَوْجَةٌ؟ قالَ لا. قالَ (عَلَيهِ السَّلامُ): لا أُحِبُّ أَنّ لِيَ الدُّنْيا وَما فِيها وَإِنِّي أُبِيتُ لَيْلَةً لَيْسَ لِي زَوْجَةٌ.

It has been narrated from Abi Abdillah that, "A man once came to my father. My father asked him, "Are you married?" The man replied, 'No.' My father (عليه السلام) replied, 'I would not love to have the world and all that is contained within it if it meant I had to spend one night without a woman (beside me).'"

 

And another one is about Jubair, a poor black man that was seeking for a wife. Prophet Muhammad helped him by having him marry a girl from a wealthy family. But her father did not accept the man at first, not believing that Jubair really did receive a message from the Prophet that he was told to come to him (the father) to marry his daughter. The father only accepted someone I believe from their tribe or city. It was by the name of Ansar. And he had to be of equal status or higher. But the daughter over heard and spoke to her father on how they cannot deny the words of the Prophet. So she married a man who was pious, the poor black man, who was not poor in deen. The story is long so I did not put it here, plus I have the notes, and the story is chopped up. But the moral of the story is that money, race adn more is not important and shouldnt be. It is the Taqwa that is important.

 

 

Salam alaikum wa rahmatullah

I pray that Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى) makes it easy for you sister, when I saw your post I didnt know what to say bc I have never really had that experience, but I couldn't ignore your post.

Now let's talk about your parents. Yes, they can be a pain and they leave us with no choice but to abide by their rules whether we like it or not, and since I am an Iraqi myself whose half Basrawi I can understand your situation. Many girls like us don't have the freedom or even the ability to raise our voices because we always believe that they'll never understand us. They are the ones who chose to raise us in a Western society so therefore they should have seen coming the fact that we will not have the same mindset as theirs. Sister, the narrations and the evidence you have put forth are reliable sources, but even if you'd show these to your parents it wouldn't process in their minds because their deeply rooted into their culture and traditions, and that is the sad truth. However, you did say that your dad showed some lenience which is better than nothing even though he isn't putting in that much effort.

This reminds me of something I went through a few months back. Like you, I met him online and found that he was really suitable, his intentions were pure and since it just started off as a infatuation I immediately disagreed since I knew what it would lead to in terms of my parents. I didn't want the feelings to progress so I had to end it bc I knew that it wouldnt work out not only bc of his race but bc my parents would never let me marry at the age of 18. Heck they've never even opened up the topic of marriage with me because they think it'll distract me from my studies.They are very judgemental, even if he was a decent Iraqi man they'd still judge him.  Also I knew that we were both scratching the surface and not thinking deeply about the obstacles that would come. It just seemed too complicated and I wasn't mentally ready. I was just in a small bubble; I  felt trapped and I wanted to escape, and ik that this isn't really the right mindset when it comes to marriage. And I honestly pray that it works out for you sister, because no girl deserves to go through this. It is already obvious that you are mentally prepared for facing the challenges with your parents and your husband to be. 

20 hours ago, coconut said:

I am a female Iraq. My mother expects me to marry a Basrawi Shia man one day, who would fit her needs and not mine. I have asked my parents numerous times that I want to meet someone, someone they can introduce me to for marriage but it failed. My mother would not allow it as she sees I am useless, not beautiful and unworthy. My father would not help as he thinks my mother should be the one to help me out on this subject. But my mother will not do anything, and says if someone wants to marry me, someone needs to come. But she is not willing to let anyone know I want to get married and no one knows much about me in the community.

okay but this is really cruel honestly, she's your mother. She is meant to give you hope and not belittle you and im sorry for that

 

20 hours ago, coconut said:

I grew up naive, and when I realized this, that my parents do not really teach me anything about the world, I began to do so myself when I turned 18, as this was the year I began to go to college. So for 6 years I have been secretly studying about the world, studying people, what they are like, who to watch out for, when I am being lied to, learn about the environment, about Islam, psychology, art, history. Everything but math as I am no good. I did this because I felt unsafe in this world, and I realized this once I started college at 18, because I was attacked on campus, so I knew I had to grow up and realize what the world is like. The point of this is that my father sees me as someone who knows nothing of this world, and that I understand nothing. Even though I have been going to school since I was 5, they teach you about the safe and unsafe parts of the world, and about people. Yet, because I am a female, I know nothing. 

Thats the problem. Our parents choose to hide things from us and not realise that we live in a different generation, so we're going to face more obstacles. Our parents think we have a small mind, we understand nothing and that we're not mature yet, like seriously when do they expect us to be mature? When we're freaking 30?! 

 

20 hours ago, coconut said:

I have met someone online, and we did everything in the most halal way we understood to be halal. Our conversations were clean and proper, we love talking about religion, but we also asked our parents right away about each other, and my dad gave me permission to keep talking to him once my mother knew about him. My mother rejected him for his race, even though he checks out for what a recommended person would be to marry in Islam. We are both Shias, we love the Ahlul Bayt and even though we have never met, he has made me a better person who keeps praying my salah, read the Qur'an more then ever before, study hadiths etc. He has already made me a better person without meeting me. He lives in a different state and flew out to meet me. He came today and well, now its 2am and he will be coming tomorrow after thuhr maybe. It will be our first meet up.

This is really good, get to know him in person and know his true intentions. Insha Allah it will work out. And all im going to say is that if does eventually turn out positive then don't lose him regardless of what your parents will say or do. For God's sake you're a 24 year old young woman to choose your own life and decisions and your parents need to understand that it is time to let you go.Your mum can say as many harsh words about him and his race but don’t let that get to you. Because you are on the right path. And if his intentions are good and he is willing to marry you, then he will keep fighting for you and convince your parents. As you said he is religious and makes you happy, so there's no reason for your parents to reject his proposal.

And once again I pray that Inshallah it will work out for the both of you bihaq Ahlul Bayt (عليه السلام)

fee amanillah

Edited by 3wliya_maryam

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On 7/13/2019 at 4:17 PM, rkazmi33 said:

Dear Sister! Do not get married without your parents' persmission. I had a friend who was Pakistani and married a wonderful religious Iranian guy without her parents' permission. Initially he was good, but after few years and 2 kids, that girl's own sister and cousins seduced her husband and now he has made a team with that girl's family to punish her for disobeying her parents. Men change a lot after marriage and if you go against your parents, you will lose even the little support parents give to their married daughters. Forget about what Islam says, all these rules are only found in books. Real world doesn't follow Islamic rules. 

Sister, there is a high likelihood that both partners will change after marriage (for better or for worse), irrespective of whether you have a love marriage or an arranged marriage. There is no guarantee in life that if you have an arranged marriage, and if God forbid things don't work out well, that your parents will come to your rescue. In fact, with the benefit of life experience and having observed how things have panned out for many people around me, I would be inclined to think the opposite. If one's parents are not considering one's happiness when selecting a spouse, what makes you think that they will be concerned about your happiness if you encounter any issues/obstacles further into married life?

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On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

My mother expects me to marry a Basrawi Shia man one day, who would fit her needs and not mine.

Sorry, I'm not Iraqi but I'm assuming a Basrawi Shi'a is someone who is from Basra ?

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

I have asked my parents numerous times that I want to meet someone, someone they can introduce me to for marriage but it failed.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

I have met someone online, and we did everything in the most halal way we understood to be halal. Our conversations were clean and proper, we love talking about religion

Oh my...your Mother said this to you? or is this how you see yourself?

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

My father would not help as he thinks my mother should be the one to help me out on this subject.

Do you and your Father have a stronger relationship then you and your Mother have?

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

But my mother will not do anything, and says if someone wants to marry me, someone needs to come. But she is not willing to let anyone know I want to get married and no one knows much about me in the community.

That's driven by her cultural beliefs. Not grounded in Islam by any measure. Its one of the many cultures of the world which places a value on a woman's life based on things which are utterly meaningless. Sadly, this mindset infects people across the world. Its something I staunchly disagree with.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

By the way I am 24 years old.

Culturally, age is a factor which places an unnecesary label on a woman if she is unmarried, realistically, it means nothing.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

I have met someone online and felt interested in him, so I approached my parents.

How well do you know him in person? Have you met in person?

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

My dad was much easier on me than my mother. My father said as long as the man makes me happy, is pious, prays, works, has a degree/or working on one, can financially take care of me.

That is the difference between the heart of a Father and the heart of a Mother. Most Fathers are only concerned with the happiness their daughter can have and not concern themselves with anything else. Mothers on the other hand view it differently. They see it more from a social and society perspective.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

And I can see that he is all of these.

Again, how well do you know him in person? How long have you known him?

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

But he and I are born Americans and the American culture is ours, we did not grow up with our parents culture, nor do we think like them.

I know exactly what you are talking about. My parents are from India, while I was born in the U.S. To hold that opinion, is something that people that aren't in that boat can't understand properly. 

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

The moment we realized we were interested in each other

How exactly did that come about? How long did you know him? How well do you know him? The reason I'm asking is meeting someone on the internet is a bit of a double edged sword. Its a great way to meet someone, but you also have to get to know them at a level which can not be achieved only online. You have to meet in person eventually and then start interacting to get to know them not only on an Islamic level, but also on an interpersonal level. You have to get know them on a level in which it leaves you no doubt as to whom you are choosing to marry.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

I went straight to my father, but it took me another month to face my mother as she and I have no good relationship and I honestly fear my mother as she is rather rude towards me, and controlling.

Hmmm...that would explain things as to how your relationship with your Mother is. However, despite what she has done you do need to take what she says and feels into consideration. At the end of the day regardless of how you and her may have different opinions and perspectives on things, she is still your Mother and that means you shouldn't do anything which will cause her to react negatively or emotionally. There's a right way of asking for what you want and a wrong way.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

I grew up naive, and when I realized this, that my parents do not really teach me anything about the world, I began to do so myself when I turned 18, as this was the year I began to go to college.

Well, we're all naive to some degree when we are growing up. That's due to our Parents shielding us from harm and evil. When we are free to roam around in the real world we have to take our Parents intentions into consideration because as we all know there's a lot of trouble out there. However, what do you mean when you said "I began to do so myself"? If you're speaking of learning new things and seeing what's out there, then that's what every person goes through.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

So for 6 years I have been secretly studying about the world, studying people, what they are like, who to watch out for, when I am being lied to, learn about the environment, about Islam, psychology, art, history.

How so?

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

I did this because I felt unsafe in this world, and I realized this once I started college at 18, because I was attacked on campus, so I knew I had to grow up and realize what the world is like.

What happened exactly?

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

The point of this is that my father sees me as someone who knows nothing of this world, and that I understand nothing.

Like I said above, we're all naive when we step out into the real world. If I had a dollar for everytime I had a rude awakening when I first stepped out (in fact, it still happens to me at times so its not limited to any specific time) I'd have at least a $100 in my pocket. Being naive is not a sin, but to not realize you are naive is a bigger setback. Life is an endless learning opportunity.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

Even though I have been going to school since I was 5, they teach you about the safe and unsafe parts of the world, and about people.

Being book smart is not the same as being street smart. One you learn in the classroom, the other you learn in the real world. Learning something in the classroom is not the equivalent to learning it in the real world.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

Yet, because I am a female, I know nothing. 

Being male or female has nothing to do with it. I know countless women that could take me to school and teach me the things that I don't even realize I needed to know, or should've known. My wife, mother & even daughter will attest to that...lol.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

I have met someone online, and we did everything in the most halal way we understood to be halal. Our conversations were clean and proper, we love talking about religion

What else have you spoken about besides religion? Marriage, life goals, children, cultural things, travel, family members (what do you know about his family?), etc...

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

He came today and well, now its 2am and he will be coming tomorrow after thuhr maybe. It will be our first meet up.

You need to form your opinion after this meeting, and subsequent meetings before deciding if you want to marry him or not. In my opinion, you are not at the point where you can make that decision yet.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

My mother is honestly quite racist as much as I hate saying it. She just hates Asians. And he is half Asian. And my mom is even bothered by the shape of his eyes.

In time, when she gets to know him on a personal level her opinion will change. This will take time, but its not something that can not be achieved. If he indeed appeals to her on a human level then the racism will dissapear by itself.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

My parents are annoyed by the fact that he is someone from online and anyone could lie, and yes I am aware.

Can you fault them for it? As I mentioned above online doesn't mean anything in the grand scheme of things. Meeting someone in person is the key deciding factor, and then its finding out the critical things about them which should lead to whether you want to consider marrying them or not.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

My father seems to lazy and doesn't want to bother

Trust me its not laziness, you mentioned he thinks of you as naive to the real world. He's acting that way because he doesn't place enough stock in your ability to make the right decision. He's not taking all of this seriously because he sees this as you making another naive step in life. Trust me no father is lazy when it comes to his daughter's future.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

The chances of this is so slim and to find someone I feel compatible with will be slim as well as I am very picky about who I would want to be with

You found this one, why won't you be able to find another if it doesn't workout with him? What are you picky about? What do you look for in a spouse?

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

my parents are money hungry, they prefer someone who could probably give them what they want. Mainly my mother.

That's not a very nice thing to say about your Parents. Even if you feel they are like that, you shouldn't speak about them in that manner. They know things and have gone through things in their life which have caused them to take that opinion and approach. Their reason are their own.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

I need to know, my mother is in no right might to decide for me

She has every right. She brought you into this world. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her and your Father. As such, they have every right to be involved in the decision making process. You have equal right to say what you wish and feel. It has to be a decision made with those that are older and wiser than you, in accordance what your desires are. To go against their opinions and better judgment will only lead to problems and disaster.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

I will choose to disobey her since her reasoning goes agaisnt Islam

How so? Do explain your reasoning for that?

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

if my father rejects him for the fact that he doesnt know him, but doesn't put effort in getting to know him, can I go against him?

Your father will make his decision based on what he does know. How do you know he's not putting any effort in? No Father will take something like this lightly. If he feels even a shred of doubt that this isn't the best thing for you he will say no. Bottom line is both of your Parents, whether you like it or not, are only to your benefit. They are older, wiser and trust me they do know better. They've lived longer than you, have seen more than you, have experienced more than you and have learned lessons from those experiences in ways you can’t realize yet. 

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

The guy I wish to marry, and I am not someone who would easily accept anyone or give my heart to anyone, his Taqwa is just so strong. You can sense it from a miles away. His smile is so bright and positive. my life never was like this.

Yet, you have decided to marry him before meeting him in person? Sounds to me as if you have chosen to follow emotion at the expense of logic. You're basing your opinion of his Taqwa based on what you have read in interacting with him online, yet have you seen his Taqwa in the real world? Anyone can sit and say whatever they want, but the practice of what they preach isn't always the same. 

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

My home is filled with so much anger and so much cursing.

If you want my opinion, it seems that you are so desperate to move out of your parent's home that you are immediately jumping on anything that offers you that opportunity, regardless of whether it is logical or not.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

I just want to live a positive and pious life and I cannot stop crying at all.

How often does the crying happen? How often do you feel saddened and upset? How long has that been going on for?

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

When you know someone is so good, you simply cannot give up until you know they are really right for you. 

Again, my question is how long have you been speaking to him? How well do you know him in person? What else have you talked about besides religion? So many questions that need to be answered before anyone can take this statement from you seriously. Nothing you have said in your post so far is leading me to believe that you have done nothing but spend time with him online and have not gotten to know anything else about him, am I right?

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

I want something to tell me that I can disobey my parents when they are being unfair and are not following Islam well.

So basically you want someone to find a reason in Islam to allow you to get what you want? That's called searching for a loophole. You're looking to twist Islam to serve your own purposes. What will you do when Islamically, and to be honest logically, no one is able to give you the answer you want to hear? To be honest, I don't see anything Islamically sound in what you are describing. Islam doesn't say to just look at religion only as the grounds for marrying someone, there are countless other things that need to be considered such as how is he in his temperament? How his family is? How will they treat you? How happy or unhappy will you make your Parents when you naively choose to fight with something, that quite frankly I don't think you are at a point of making a decision on?

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

I feel unsafe at home as well.

Please explain.

On 7/13/2019 at 4:31 AM, coconut said:

Here are ayas and hadiths that I have found.

Have you discussed these hadith with an Alim? You can't blindly quote Islamic text without knowing what the context of the verse is or the nature of the hadith. We don't even have the sources of these Hadith to know if they are from Shia sources. Please provide those.

In a nutshell, I'm of the opinion that you are letting emotion guide your decision at the expense of logic. You need both. Also, based on what you have said about your home life as well as your relationship with your Mother, it would appear to me that you may be suffering from a level of Depression. That would seem to be what is clouding your judgment at this time. Perhaps, speaking to a Mental Health Professional will serve you best at this time. 

Not telling you to end it with this guy, but you have a lot of things to do on your end before you can make a decision on him. First, you have to make yourself better. The years of being in a home which is problematic has affected you internally. You need to address that before you bring that into a marriage because your spouse doesn't need to have to deal with that baggage. Secondly, you are not at the point where you can make a proper decision of yes or no as to if this man is right for you. Based on what you've posted I don't see enough information to make a major life decision on. Perhaps you can answer the questions I've asked you.

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3 minutes ago, Akbar673 said:

That is the difference between the heart of a Father and the heart of a Mother. Most Fathers are only concerned with the happiness their daughter can have and not concern themselves with anything else. Mothers on the other hand view it differently. They see it more from a social and society perspective.

100% correct! 

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5 minutes ago, Akbar673 said:

gain, my question is how long have you been speaking to him? How well do you know him in person? What else have you talked about besides religion? So many questions that need to be answered before anyone can take this statement from you seriously. Nothing you have said in your post so far is leading me to believe that you have done nothing but spend time with him online and have not gotten to know anything else about him, am I right?

Good questions!

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On 7/13/2019 at 2:01 PM, coconut said:

And I can see that he is all of these. But my mother rejects him because he is half Asian and not Arab at all. But he and I are born Americans and the American culture is ours, we did not grow up with our parents culture, nor do we think like them.

Salam online meeting is not enough , but I recommend you to see & talk with  the man that your mother offered to you then ask your parent that they see & talk with your online friend after this ,but it must be physical & he must brings his parents & tries to fit your parents standards in meeting ,anyway at the end the choice is only for you not not anyone else 

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On 7/13/2019 at 2:31 PM, coconut said:

My mother is honestly quite racist as much as I hate saying it. She just hates Asians. And he is half Asian. And my mom is even bothered by the shape of his eyes. My parents are annoyed by the fact that he is someone from online and anyone could lie, and yes I am aware. But thats why we are to meet, so my parents can get to know him and with their permission, we can get to know each other without worry. But its like they do not want to put any effort to get to know him. My father seems to lazy and doesn't want to bother, and my mother will accept no one but a Basrawi Iraqi man with an American citizenship. The chances of this is so slim and to find someone I feel compatible with will be slim as well as I am very picky about who I would want to be with, considering my life has been nothing but sadness, pain and abuse. And my parents are money hungry, they prefer someone who could probably give them what they want. Mainly my mother.

 

:hahaha: Your mom is funny,

but dear sister, do not be hasty. Be patient, Be calm and Be thoughtful. Meeting a person is not sufficient. Imam Ali (عليه السلام) says: "If you want to search a good candidate for marriage, look at its mother first". So, I would like to think about you as your old relative and would ask these questions if I were there as your online uncle:

1. Have you met the family of the boy ?

2. Are you really sure that he really lives where he says he is living?

3. Have you visited his family and country ?

4. Have you asked the neighbors or other relatives as to how the family is like ?

5. Have you got enough knowledge about his personality like have you seen his friends or his contacts or where he works ?

Lastly, it is true that sometimes mothers react so lazy that the age of marriage is passed, but you should also be thoughtful that you should not decide about your future without having enough knowledge about the person. I pray that Allah (عزّ وجلّ) helps you to decide best for your future for the sake of Ahlebait (عليه السلام).

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torturing Britain resident ( Ali Isa Ahmad) by UAE police for wearing Qatar dress during soccer last year play of Iraq-Qatar in UAE 

http://fa.abna24.com/news/اخبار-ورزشی/شکنجه-هوادار-فوتبال-در-امارات-به-خاطر-پوشیدن-پیراهنی-با-پر_755029.html

d4a913529777ac6254ba8a7124f5aa49_966.jpg
630a3c90cb9df03f0735929447c2962a_758.jpg

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On 7/13/2019 at 8:17 AM, rkazmi33 said:

Dear Sister! Do not get married without your parents' persmission. I had a friend who was Pakistani and married a wonderful religious Iranian guy without her parents' permission. Initially he was good, but after few years and 2 kids, that girl's own sister and cousins seduced her husband and now he has made a team with that girl's family to punish her for disobeying her parents. Men change a lot after marriage and if you go against your parents, you will lose even the little support parents give to their married daughters. Forget about what Islam says, all these rules are only found in books. Real world doesn't follow Islamic rules. 

Thank you for responding but I found your comment not to be reliable. You are telling me that I shouldn't rely on my own faith, but I believe in Allah, and I love my faith far to much not to see how it will take me along this journey. Even if the world doesn't follow Islamic rules, why should I become one of those people? As the saying goes, if a group of people jumped off a bridge to their deaths, would you go along with them? Alhamdullah I am aware enough to know your advice towards the end isn't proper. I understand the story you gave, but I am fully aware of the potential things that could place. So let me end this comment by saying, my mom did reject him because she thought he was small, small eyes and not tall enough. But my father accepted him, they spent 12 hours talking the first day alone. We will marry inshallah in two years time. When I showed my father all the ayas and hadiths I gathered, he was proud of me, and told me he knows all of these facts. And he went against my father for my sake. He went as far as saying that he, the man I will marry inshallah, is better than his own sons (my brothers) Thats how pious he was, kind, and a great to speak with.

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On 7/13/2019 at 8:42 AM, Guest Peace and Islam said:

Without meaning to cause offence, this isn't good advice. Parents, particularly those whose minds have been clouded with culture and not Islam, who may have made many sacrifices for their children and perhaps at heart mean well, can often treat their children like property and make terrible judgements. This sister has found a compatible man online, wants him to meet her parents, and for it go down in this manner. I say she should wait for someone like @Abu Hadi if he has time to respond as he gives the most sound advice on these issues.

I know a number of Pakistani women who found decent men in the US/United Kingdom, but whose mothers lured them into marrying someone from Pakistan, only to endure terrible suffering at the hands of the mother in law, who from day one suspected her and threw every accusation under the sun. 

 

 

Thank you for the response. Yes, my mother follows the culture in some aspects, this being one of them. But alhamdullah my father is not like this. The meeting went shockingly well alhamdulillah. My father accepted the man, and we will marry in two years time inshallah. I showed my father all the evidence I gathered together to fight for this, and he was rather proud of me for putting the effort to prove how serious I am about this. And he went against my mothers opinion. Although my mom didn't accept him based on him being "small" which I can fully say he isn't as we finally met. I think his height didn't please my mom, and that he has Asian like eyes. But it does make me wonder, if she thinks this of him, than what of my brother? He is much shorter. Will no one marry him because hes small? Alhamdulillah his family likes me. His father is still not sure about me, but his sisters and his mother really like me. His mother is very kind and calm. My mother on the other hand.... shes difficult but lately shes been trying to have me do something so I am not sad. Which has been very strange for me.

Oh yeah, I already see my aunts preparing to go against this whole marriage. But I am stubborn, and very sure about what I want in my life, and I never obey a person whose reasonings are absolutely ridiculous and go against Islam. Nor do I care about their opinions as I am not close to them and they do not know me to know what I want. But its funny watching their expressions and reactions lol and the comments they have.

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On 7/13/2019 at 8:46 AM, Abu Hadi said:

The consent and agreement of both husband and wife to the marriage is a condition for the marriage contract to be valid. 

From Sayyid Sistani(ha)

However, there are conditions attached to the marriage contract:

1. The verbal proposition of marriage and its acceptance. That is, it is not sufficient for both parties to agree the marriage, be it permanent or fixed-term; nor would the written contract alone be sufficient to consummate the marriage.

2. The intent to consummate the marriage, be it by the man or wife, if they have performed the contract rite themselves, or their representative.

3. The wholehearted agreement of man and wife.

4. Explicitly identifying both the man and the woman to be wed. Thus, the contract shall not be valid, if, for example, a man said to another, “I give you one of my daughters in marriage”....

https://www.al-Islam.org/jurisprudence-made-easy-ayatullah-Ali-Sistani/dialogue-marriage

 

So if you do not wish to marry the man and do not consent to the marriage, the aqd is not valid and you are not actually married. This has nothing to do with obedience to parents. Obedience to parents is a seperate issue. I'm sorry if this answer isn't relevant. I'm not sure exactly what you are asking, but this is my attempt to answer the question. 

Salam. 

 

Thank you for the information you gathered and gave to me. I can let you know that my father has accepted the man, and we will get married in two years time Inshallah.

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On 7/13/2019 at 9:51 AM, Islandsandmirrors said:

I met my husband online — who is half Arab, half Asian. We’ve been married for 1 year, together for 3. 

Trust your intuition. Trust your heart. 

I do trust my intuition, and I can proudly say that my dad accepted him! We will marry inshallah in two years time! So I will use this time to get to know him in person, as I am aware we can appear different online vs meeting in person. 

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On 7/15/2019 at 3:18 AM, Aflower said:

Sister, there is a high likelihood that both partners will change after marriage (for better or for worse), irrespective of whether you have a love marriage or an arranged marriage. There is no guarantee in life that if you have an arranged marriage, and if God forbid things don't work out well, that your parents will come to your rescue. In fact, with the benefit of life experience and having observed how things have panned out for many people around me, I would be inclined to think the opposite. If one's parents are not considering one's happiness when selecting a spouse, what makes you think that they will be concerned about your happiness if you encounter any issues/obstacles further into married life?

I am not very close to my parents, we never shared a bond. Every time I do seek for help, I always regret it. So I learned to put effort in taking care of myself, and alhamdulillah, I was able to succeed more in life without needing to obey rules that make no sense or go against Islam, or is for selfish reasons. I am fully aware that people can change, but we cannot believe that the outcome will be bad for everyone. I can see something good coming from this, and the guy I will marry, he has been changing me into a better Muslim, one who reads the Qur'an more, pray on time, to not be sad or angry, as I was raised around people who are constantly mad. He has so much patience, and through him, I can already see myself being a better person, making dua more, studying Islam etc. And this is all through the phone calls. He is even helping me read the Qur'an entirely so I can finally complete it for the first time, something my parents never helped or encourage growing up. If I encounter any obstacles, I will speak to a sheikh, read the Qur'an, make dua and pray for allahs guidance. The guy and I are very big on communication. We think its important to communicate if something is bothering us, upsetting us etc, as it could hurt us. And how can we grow and improve together if we are not opening up to each other. And he really has been helping a great deal as I am a sensitive soul. Also, my father really loved talking to him and getting to know him. And he accepted him, and we will get married in two years time, next step we are taking is meeting his parents to come up with a full plan for both families to agree with.

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27 minutes ago, coconut said:

Thank you for the response. Yes, my mother follows the culture in some aspects, this being one of them. But alhamdullah my father is not like this. The meeting went shockingly well alhamdulillah. My father accepted the man, and we will marry in two years time inshallah. I showed my father all the evidence I gathered together to fight for this, and he was rather proud of me for putting the effort to prove how serious I am about this. And he went against my mothers opinion. Although my mom didn't accept him based on him being "small" which I can fully say he isn't as we finally met. I think his height didn't please my mom, and that he has Asian like eyes. But it does make me wonder, if she thinks this of him, than what of my brother? He is much shorter. Will no one marry him because hes small? Alhamdulillah his family likes me. His father is still not sure about me, but his sisters and his mother really like me. His mother is very kind and calm. My mother on the other hand.... shes difficult but lately shes been trying to have me do something so I am not sad. Which has been very strange for me.

Oh yeah, I already see my aunts preparing to go against this whole marriage. But I am stubborn, and very sure about what I want in my life, and I never obey a person whose reasonings are absolutely ridiculous and go against Islam. Nor do I care about their opinions as I am not close to them and they do not know me to know what I want. But its funny watching their expressions and reactions lol and the comments they have.

ALHAMDULLILAHHHH sisterrrrrrrr, reading this actually made me so happy !! And because you had faith in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), you were patient and you were brave. Whatever is written will happen no matter what. Once again, congratulations and Insha Allah all the best in the future

 

fee amanillah

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42 minutes ago, coconut said:

I do trust my intuition, and I can proudly say that my dad accepted him! We will marry inshallah in two years time! So I will use this time to get to know him in person, as I am aware we can appear different online vs meeting in person. 

congratulo! Sister

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1 hour ago, coconut said:

I do trust my intuition, and I can proudly say that my dad accepted him! We will marry inshallah in two years time! So I will use this time to get to know him in person, as I am aware we can appear different online vs meeting in person. 

MashaAllah, congratulations sister. May Allah grant you a blessed union.

Why 2 years? Are there specific private reasons for setting this time or is that the amount of time it takes to know someone? How will you be interacting in these 2 years? Or has a formal engagement aqd been done?

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On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

Sorry, I'm not Iraqi but I'm assuming a Basrawi Shi'a is someone who is from Basra ?

Yes.

 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

Oh my...your Mother said this to you? or is this how you see yourself?

I do not understand. I was stating that I went to my parents and seeking for a spouse through their help, but they would not help me. But I met someone online who I thought would be great to further get to know through my parents (which I only received from my father)

 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

Do you and your Father have a stronger relationship then you and your Mother have?

I don’t have a strong relationship with my parents, but I am more comfortable talking with my father. As he is generally an open minded man.

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

Culturally, age is a factor which places an unnecesary label on a woman if she is unmarried, realistically, it means nothing.

I am aware, but I did not want to appear as someone who could be 12 years of or 15 when I made this post. I said I was 24 because I had a feeling someone might ask. 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

That's driven by her cultural beliefs. Not grounded in Islam by any measure. Its one of the many cultures of the world which places a value on a woman's life based on things which are utterly meaningless. Sadly, this mindset infects people across the world. Its something I staunchly disagree with.

Yes, and thankfully my father doesn't agree with my mothers culture. He spoke to her and tried to make it clear to my mother that my culture is different from theirs, and that she needs to accept it. He told her that she needs to accept that I was raised around diverse people, being open minded, different ways of thinking etc.

 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

How well do you know him in person? Have you met in person?

 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

Again, how well do you know him in person? How long have you known him?

No, we did not meet him person at first. Because I respect myself and my parents enough not to walk with a boy alone, as we are never alone, shaytan is always there in those moments. We live in different states, so meeting wouldn't have happened either way, as we are focused on work and or studies more. But he did fly out last month to my state in order to meet with my parents and speak to them. It was less about meeting me, and more about having my parents get to know him. And it went very well with my dad. I think my mom simply doesn't like how Asians look, so my mom rejected him for that reason. Her opinion doesn't really matter in the end if its due to these reasonings. Its running close to a year since we have spoken now. And the next steps my dad and I are taking is flying out to him so we can meet his family. When he did come, my father only allowed me to speak to him for ten minutes alone at a very public place, where we saw the waterfalls. My dad really loved showing off our state. But we barely spoke, as we were incredibly shy. The story is kinda funny lol But since we will be marrying in two years time, which was the plan I and the guy I will marry (mehdi) made before my father made that decision as we want to meet more in person to get to know each other inshallah. Especially as I am very picky and I know how people can change over time, I am not someone who wishes to rush such a big decisions. PLus finishing my degree and then getting an internship is my first priority. 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

That is the difference between the heart of a Father and the heart of a Mother. Most Fathers are only concerned with the happiness their daughter can have and not concern themselves with anything else. Mothers on the other hand view it differently. They see it more from a social and society perspective.

Interesting perspective, I did not think of this or have come across this concept. But it is exactly this way with my parents. My mom wants a good attractive looking man, while my dad wants an open minded man who will make me happy and have a roof over my head, and food on a table/floor, while he has a degree, and prays.

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

How exactly did that come about? How long did you know him? How well do you know him? The reason I'm asking is meeting someone on the internet is a bit of a double edged sword. Its a great way to meet someone, but you also have to get to know them at a level which can not be achieved only online. You have to meet in person eventually and then start interacting to get to know them not only on an Islamic level, but also on an interpersonal level. You have to get know them on a level in which it leaves you no doubt as to whom you are choosing to marry.

It was through a Muslim marriage app, I decided to give it a go, just to see how it was set up and I found it to be interesting actually. So I gave it a try. After a few days of talking with the Mehdi, we decided we would like to get to know each other more with our parents permission and awareness. So my dad accepted this, and his mother accepted. My mom rejected and his dad was iffy about me not being paki. But hes opening up to me slowly, he just has to see if I am crazy or just a normal gal. Which is understandable and good of him to have this thinking, as he wants his son to be safe first.

 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

Hmmm...that would explain things as to how your relationship with your Mother is. However, despite what she has done you do need to take what she says and feels into consideration. At the end of the day regardless of how you and her may have different opinions and perspectives on things, she is still your Mother and that means you shouldn't do anything which will cause her to react negatively or emotionally. There's a right way of asking for what you want and a wrong way.

I cannot completely agree with this, my mother makes decisions that go against Islam, and I think its only right to make it clear instead of having her walk blindly. Shes changing slowly. But when she met Mehdi, she couldn't even deny he was a good person. She could not find any fault to gossip about him other than him looking Asian. She is changing, but very slowly. And I only need my fathers opinion Islamically so... my mother and I have a bad relationship and I have tried and tried again to get closer, but its hard. All I do is cry cause it breaks my heart, as I am a family person, very nurturing. I ended up taking over raising my youngest siblings who are twins instead of my mother raising them. I was so lonely, I had no friends, no family to speak to, so I raised the twins and I love them so much and they love me too.

 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

Well, we're all naive to some degree when we are growing up. That's due to our Parents shielding us from harm and evil. When we are free to roam around in the real world we have to take our Parents intentions into consideration because as we all know there's a lot of trouble out there. However, what do you mean when you said "I began to do so myself"? If you're speaking of learning new things and seeing what's out there, then that's what every person goes through.

When I graduated out from high school and started to go to college and got my first job, I began to interact with people, meet people from around the world. I never grew up having a chance to learn of what type of people exist out there and I didn't know how easy I could fall into a group of bad people. I met one girl who came from the Middle East, I didn't know she was a bad person, she was using me as I had a car, while she was a student studying abroad. She spread false rumors about me whenever I did not feel comfortable disobeying my parents at the time, by going out late, coming home late, walking with guys. As this is not something I enjoy doing. One guy she liked happened to like me as I was very shy and kind. That drove her crazy. But I would not have seen this had I not have been warned by other people who saw how innocent I was at the time. Alhamdulillah I was being protected by my new friends I had made at college at the time. Sunni boys wanted to rape me for being Shia and the only way they could have known I was Shia was through that girl, and she knew them all. I was being followed etc. The story is very long but, this is what I had to experience, I literally couldn't tell who was bad or good, I couldn't tell who was lying at all. I was filled with so much fear, but that pushed me to grow up. Getting many jobs helped me interact with people as well at work life and dealing with costumers. Painting at the beach drew in people, and I'd end up conversing with them. When I started college, I wanted to stop being very shy and scared to socialize, so I took the chance to be around new people that didn't know me, so I tried to open up. It was a hard first three years, nothing but torture, pain, fear for the most part. I'm sorry, I keep typing and typing cause I don't know how much I need to say to make it very clear on how much I had grown up. 

 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

I did this because I felt unsafe in this world, and I realized this once I started college at 18, because I was attacked on campus, so I knew I had to grow up and realize what the world is like.

The plan for that attack was successful, I was always on campus as I did not enjoy being at home, since I was constantly abused. So I would study at campus a lot, but its not filled with students all hours of the day. The Arab guys found an opportunity, and I couldn't fight back against a group of scary guys as I am short and petite. It was all because of her. I learned that she wanted me to drive her to some guys homes so she could sleep with them. But alhamdulillah I didn't listen to her or play a role in filling her requests. I'd go as far as to the beach or the mall. At the time, I was more scared to face my parents and too scared to disobey them. But after everything, I changed. I couldn't live a sad, abusive, controlled life anymore. So I stood up for myself, spoke up, grew up and made my own decisions. Before, my grades were bad, my English was worse, I had no skills. But I am an artist, I study architecture, my grades are good and I receive scholarships cause I stopped listening to my parents. 

 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

What else have you spoken about besides religion? Marriage, life goals, children, cultural things, travel, family members (what do you know about his family?), etc...

Yes, we have spoken about all these topics and more. We simply just don't discuss about inappropriate conversations that are not allowed outside of marriage. 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

You need to form your opinion after this meeting, and subsequent meetings before deciding if you want to marry him or not. In my opinion, you are not at the point where you can make that decision yet.

There are people who cannot make decisions, but there are people who can. I already know what I want, and I met him when he came, it went well and we will continue to meet. What I have learned is, no one can have an opinion regarding me. Its the peoples opinion that made my life fall apart. I built it back up alone. 

 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

You found this one, why won't you be able to find another if it doesn't workout with him? What are you picky about? What do you look for in a spouse?

Someone like Mehdi. Thats what I look for. Since I have been attacked, I changed into someone who became more cold, I stopped caring about people in general, I couldn't have cared less about people either. Its changed though. It was my depression and fear that put me into that position for a while. But I can't even tell you how many Muslim men I have spoken to. Its more like, they approach me, and to entertain their stupidity, cause I did not trust any man at all anymore after being attacked, I'd be the one who made clean conversations, someone who was just makes normal conversations with anyone you meet. And the amount of men who have tried to fool me, tried to sweet talk me, tried to "marry me" as this was also the time when I began to dress nice (modest) but also began to lose weight, wear some makeup. Many tried to hit on me, and its not something I am trying to show off. I am here to explain to you alone on what I have experienced. The audacity so many men had to speak to me rudely, make inappropriate comments. I felt like their mother, lecturing them every time this happened. For what happened to me in the past, I felt like I literally knew nothing about men/boys. So if a guy tried to talk to me, I didn't mind, as long as it was public or online. This was more for me to see what guys are like, so I can spot when they will try to trick me, mess with me, lie to me, flirt. But I never gave them what they wanted. I was always speaking like I was just another regular person. But it was fun to put them in their place and see how they couldn't get anything out of me other then lectures from Islam (:

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

That's not a very nice thing to say about your Parents. Even if you feel they are like that, you shouldn't speak about them in that manner. They know things and have gone through things in their life which have caused them to take that opinion and approach. Their reason are their own.

I wouldn't say this lightly because I want to. It's the truth. I know more than what I have shared.

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

If you want my opinion, it seems that you are so desperate to move out of your parent's home that you are immediately jumping on anything that offers you that opportunity, regardless of whether it is logical or not.

You judge me without knowing me. I do not wish to suddenly get married in order to move out. I wanted to get to know someone now so I can take this chance to get to know him over time within a few years. Because once I graduate, I want to do internships, and I plan to study abroad. And unfortunately, the older a girl gets, its harder for her to get married. Besides, I have the right to want to get married when I feel as though I am ready. And considering I want to live abroad to further my architecture but maintain a job there, I wanted to get to know someone now, someone who is willing to look for a job elsewhere. Him being American wasn't something I plan. sure I can meet someone abroad, but how can I without my parents being present? Once I move out, I don't plan on coming back, this family has abused me, cursed at me, sees that I am worthless, that I am incapable of doing anything and they have mentioned many times its because I am a female, yet I am working hard to make a point that I am smart, I can do things, I know how to design very well, I can cook, I can clean, I can take care of infants, children etc. I didn't choose architecture just so I can have a degree and a mediocre job. I have goals in helping people through architecture in the Middle East, and I can't do it from. The fact I found someone who is an American with my culture was honestly just lucky. They could have been from anywhere and I would have been ok. But I am not making rash decisions, these are big and serious decisions I am making. I've discussed it with Mehdi, and we try to look at things from a realistic point of view, but it doesn't mean I wont work hard to strive towards my goals. Getting to know someone now is more fair to the guy, since its important the he knows goals that I have. One of the reasons why mehdi wanted to further get to know me is because he was fascinated by my goals.

 

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

Again, my question is how long have you been speaking to him? How well do you know him in person? What else have you talked about besides religion? So many questions that need to be answered before anyone can take this statement from you seriously. Nothing you have said in your post so far is leading me to believe that you have done nothing but spend time with him online and have not gotten to know anything else about him, am I right?

Let me make it clear, we talk about everything, literally everything, sometimes we run out of things to talk about cause we have covered so much. Its nearly been a year. I am not going about this like a blind girl in love. Our next step is wanting to have our parents permission in hanging out together in the next two years, because I am fully aware that people are different in person. And I made that clear to mehdi, we can appear different in person, I can appear different. Its important that we meet first, and not just once, but multiple times with the permission of our parents. I grew up with a very sad life, I will not walk in blindly into a marriage only to end up sad, I am taking my life far to seriously, cause I am tired of not being happy with my family. One day, and not now, but one day I want my own family, but only when we are settled with a home and jobs. I also watch other people around me who get married, I learn from their mistakes as the number of divorces are scary high. But you know what, Allah knows everything.

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

So basically you want someone to find a reason in Islam to allow you to get what you want? That's called searching for a loophole. You're looking to twist Islam to serve your own purposes. What will you do when Islamically, and to be honest logically, no one is able to give you the answer you want to hear? To be honest, I don't see anything Islamically sound in what you are describing. Islam doesn't say to just look at religion only as the grounds for marrying someone, there are countless other things that need to be considered such as how is he in his temperament? How his family is? How will they treat you? How happy or unhappy will you make your Parents when you naively choose to fight with something, that quite frankly I don't think you are at a point of making a decision on?

You are very wrong and again, you decide to judge me negatively. I am not looking for loopholes, I am looking for facts and if Islam says I cannot marry on my own terms, even if my parents go against Islam 100%, then I would have listened to them. Because I am trying very hard in such a bad environment to follow Islam, and to be good, but its hard when you have no influence in your life. I began to look at Ahlul Bayt, the Prophets and Islam as my guidance. I was looking for answers because I was not sure if their was any, and I do not want to do things incorrectly, I had no idea on how to look for answers. I have faith in Allah, and I believe every rule set in Islam is set perfectly. I will obey any rules that is given to me. The topic of marriage and knowing how parents play a role is very new to me, I didn't know much which is why I was seeking for help. But you know what Sayed Sistani says, you do not need your mothers permission, but you need your fathers. And if your father is not in his right mind, then your grandfather, but if he too is not right in his mind, then go to your brother etc etc. I just found it ridiculous that my mother would not give a slight chance to meet mehdi so we all can get to know him in person over time. Mehdi and I wanted to have two years. But she rejected him because he has "small" eyes. That was her reasoning. I had to see if Islam was okay with such a decision as I am here trying to have a serious topic with her, but because she has made it clear throughout the years, she hates asians, anyone with black skin, mexicans and more. So I needed to know when Islam draws a line on these things. If my parents rejected him for unislamic reasons, I would have gone to my friends mother, I do not plan to actually make decisions alone, because I am aware that we can be blinded as people, and sometimes we make irrational decisions. I always had a backup. I just needed the facts first. I tried to seek help through a sheikh, but it took him two months to respond and he finally did after a week passed when I met Mehdi. Shiachat was my last solution with so little time left.

On 7/15/2019 at 11:29 AM, Akbar673 said:

Have you discussed these hadith with an Alim? You can't blindly quote Islamic text without knowing what the context of the verse is or the nature of the hadith. We don't even have the sources of these Hadith to know if they are from Shia sources. Please provide those.

In a nutshell, I'm of the opinion that you are letting emotion guide your decision at the expense of logic. You need both. Also, based on what you have said about your home life as well as your relationship with your Mother, it would appear to me that you may be suffering from a level of Depression. That would seem to be what is clouding your judgment at this time. Perhaps, speaking to a Mental Health Professional will serve you best at this time. 

Not telling you to end it with this guy, but you have a lot of things to do on your end before you can make a decision on him. First, you have to make yourself better. The years of being in a home which is problematic has affected you internally. You need to address that before you bring that into a marriage because your spouse doesn't need to have to deal with that baggage. Secondly, you are not at the point where you can make a proper decision of yes or no as to if this man is right for you. Based on what you've posted I don't see enough information to make a major life decision on. Perhaps you can answer the questions I've asked you.

I was not blindly looking for hadiths or ayas. I had to do research and have my friends father, who is a sayed ensure everything I have was correct. I have been trying hard to apply logic. Does it not prove to you, coming here, sharing all of this say that I am trying hard to understand what I can and cannot do? I could have easily disobeyed my parents completely, left my home and all. My classmates influencing me to run away and stay with them. But no, I wanted to look through Islam to help me out. How can you look down on that? And I have been diagnosed with depression, I do see a therapist, I seek help from everyone I can ask help from. But I try to do anything with facts on my side. And try to remember please, I wouldn't do anything against Islam, nor would I look for loopholes. I was being sincere on the fact that I lacked knowledge on this topic and all I wanted was proper advise. I am addressing the problem at home, I have been for a few years now, and I am the one trying to change it, I am the one who approaches my parents on these issues, and my brothers are beginning to do so as well. And I know I am at a point where I can make a decision, and that is wanting to get to know Mehdi more. I have spent nearly a year talking to him online, now I just need to do it in person more often. I should have properly stated, but I mean that I want a potential marriage with him, but I cannot make such a life long decision so quickly. And I was constantly bringing this up with my father particularly.

You need to work on not judging people so quickly. 

 

Salam

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On 7/16/2019 at 1:28 PM, Flying_Eagle said:

:hahaha: Your mom is funny,

but dear sister, do not be hasty. Be patient, Be calm and Be thoughtful. Meeting a person is not sufficient. Imam Ali (عليه السلام) says: "If you want to search a good candidate for marriage, look at its mother first". So, I would like to think about you as your old relative and would ask these questions if I were there as your online uncle:

1. Have you met the family of the boy ?

2. Are you really sure that he really lives where he says he is living?

3. Have you visited his family and country ?

4. Have you asked the neighbors or other relatives as to how the family is like ?

5. Have you got enough knowledge about his personality like have you seen his friends or his contacts or where he works ?

Lastly, it is true that sometimes mothers react so lazy that the age of marriage is passed, but you should also be thoughtful that you should not decide about your future without having enough knowledge about the person. I pray that Allah (عزّ وجلّ) helps you to decide best for your future for the sake of Ahlebait (عليه السلام).

If you are curious about the answers to these questions, I have answered them already with other responses. 

But I do want to make it clear for everyone. I prefer both my parents to accept him, and I certainly will be patient in having my mother accept him. My father has approved. But you can read the answers more in depth from other responses I made.

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1 hour ago, 3wliya_maryam said:

ALHAMDULLILAHHHH sisterrrrrrrr, reading this actually made me so happy !! And because you had faith in Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَ تَعَالَى), you were patient and you were brave. Whatever is written will happen no matter what. Once again, congratulations and Insha Allah all the best in the future

 

fee amanillah

Thank you! Yes alhamdullilaahh!!!! I am trying my best to do things according to Islam. I wanted to build some knowledge so I can properly have a discussion with my parents on this, but I couldn't as I didn't have so much information just yet. But my faith was very strong with Allah, especially the night before he arrived. Someone gave me this quote, "Allah never gives us a test we cannot pass". I had trouble sleeping, but this quote finally let me sleep before he arrived. Because I believed that I just need to be patient, follow Islamic rules, and not be rash or emotional in the process, have faith in Allah and never to doubt him, even if it doesn't work out between Mehdi and I, I believe Allah knows whats best for me. I won't be upset, as things happen for a reason. Its just scary doing this with so little knowledge on the topic of Marriage.

I am just happy my father is willing to give this a chance to get to know the family and friends. Because I know how important it is in our culture to know the community around to ensure if the person is good, but we don't have this.

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40 minutes ago, coconut said:

If you are curious about the answers to these questions, I have answered them already with other responses. 

But I do want to make it clear for everyone. I prefer both my parents to accept him, and I certainly will be patient in having my mother accept him. My father has approved. But you can read the answers more in depth from other responses I made.

if you father has accepted him, insha-Allah, your mother will accept him too. Just keep it up. sister, May Allah (عزّ وجلّ) do for you what is best. fe Aman Allah.

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